bodily functions

Head Butts and Yoga Butts: What works in the gym, doesn’t always work out of the gym

May 16, 2012

This, my friends, is the Rear Naked Choke in action. (I think, feel free to correct me if it isn’t.) Clearly Golem in front is not amused but the guy in back is totally laughing. See? Funny. The Rear Naked Choke Hold came back to haunt me tonight. There I was, sitting in on a jujitsu demonstration as part of my attempt to try out every program Lifetime Fitness offers before my month in fit heaven expires, when I was yet again the only person in the entire room snickering like a 12-year-old boy*. For the record, it’s called “naked” [...]

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I Finally Figured Out Why My Jeans Fit Funny [Me vs. My Numbers. I Win!]

May 6, 2012

No actual numbers were harmed (or used) in the making of this post. While I do discuss my eating disordered history, I’ve tried to keep triggers to a minimum and if you are suffering from an eating disorder I would actually encourage you to keep reading. This is my message of hope. If I can do this, you can do this. Hope: for you, from me. All those years I taught college I kept waiting to see this happen. What really amazes me about this pic is not that his pants finally fell down (is that a water bottle?!) but [...]

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My Mirena IUD is Gone! [Why I did it and What's Happened Since]

May 1, 2012

The broom method! Haven’t tried that one yet!  Ladies: I have big news! Gents: I have a huge overshare! So consider yourselves informed and warned. I got my Mirena IUD out. For everyone who is not breathlessly following the status of my uterus (can’t imagine why), the Mirena is an intra-uterine device that prevents pregnancy by releasing a small amount of synthetic progeterone (progestin). I’ve had one for years both between babies #4 and #5 and again after Jelly Bean was born two and a half years ago. (I KNOW.) Up until just a few months ago I would have [...]

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New Research Shows Your Appendix Is Good For Something After All (Is it too late to get mine back?)*

April 9, 2012

I so need this shirt. Tonsils. Appendix. A chunk of my uterus. Several weird tumor-cyst thingies that had teeth and hair (no joke). I don’t want to brag or anything but I pretty much have no expendable organs left. This makes me either super evolved (although I still have my pinky toes…) or the life-size version of the Operation game where I just lay on a table and everyone at the party gets to decide what piece of me to haphazardly remove. The only optional thing I haven’t gotten removed is my wisdom teeth – and that’s because I was [...]

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Is Your Period Trying to Tell You Something?

February 27, 2012

Actually, she’s wearing white pants and as anyone knows you can’t have your period and wear white pants at the same time. Or ride white horses. Or play tennis in a white tennis dress. I’m guessing she’s the girl whose babysitter showed her Jaws at age 5. “Hormonal” is not generally seen as a compliment. And yet, I’ll be honest, I am. Some girls seem hardly affected by the monthly ebb and flow of the Crimson Tide but me… well, let’s just say that ancient cultures would have worshiped me because of how obviously I follow the lunar cycle. Sure I get [...]

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How Do You Time Your Meals Around Your Workouts? [Help a reader out week!]

February 12, 2012

Why did the Tupperware Fairy never become A Thing? Come on, she’s awesome! And – zing! – just found my next Halloween costume. They should have given her a Tupperware Tiara though. I could pretend that I got really backed up on my e-mail because I’m just that popular or I could ‘fess up to getting addicted to my new trivia/crossword puzzle book (nerdgasm!). (I should also note it’s hard to reply to e-mails when I’ve got a Jelly Bean permanently attached to my hip. While adorable*, she does make typing difficult.) So I’m dedicating this week to answering all [...]

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How Smell Influences Taste (And how to use that to your advantage)

January 22, 2012

Fact: 70-75% of how you experience flavor is due to your sense of smell. Anecdote: A friend told me about a friend (isn’t this how all good anecdotes start?) who had lost his sense of smell in an accident and consequently lost 20 pounds easy-peasey because, in my friend’s words, “Everything pretty much tasted the same. Brownies tasted like whole wheat bread so why not just eat the bread then?” At the time my eating disorder – one of several, is there such a thing as multiple personality disorder for EDs? – was in full swing and I fantasized about [...]

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Jaw Clenching, Acupressure and One of the Strangest Experiences I’ve Ever Had

January 9, 2012

This is pretty much how I felt after an hour of having my head turned upside down, in more ways that one. Dr. Dan* was not at all what I expected. Like all good friendships and all bad screenplays, it started over polite chit-chat at a party. Somehow (probably because I am a chronic oversharer?) during the course of my conversation with a friend whom I see only twice a year at most but love twice as much when I do, the subject of bruxism or jaw clenching/grinding came up. I am an inveterate jaw clencher in my sleep. I’ve [...]

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The Emergency Gym Survival Kit: My Holiday Gift to the Gym Buddies

December 19, 2011

Maxipad slippers!! If only I had thought to Google “hilarious maxi pad gifts” before I gave the Gym Buddies their presents! Ah well, there’s always next year… (Image and idea courtesy of Homemade Gifts Made Easy.) Who gives their friends panty liners for Christmas? I do! And I would have given them the panties to go with it if I’d been smart enough to guess their sizes. (Seriously I’m spatially dyslexic. My most challenging chore every night is to figure out what size Tupperware I need to put our leftovers in because I canNOT eyeball it and get it right.) [...]

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The #1 Downside to Weight Lifting, Badly Illustrated (All I want for Christmas is laser hair removal)

December 7, 2011

This will be my next option. As I get older I’ll just call it Bride of Frankenstein. Weight lifting builds bone density. Weight lifting increases strength and power. Weight lifting burns fat all day long. Weight lifting makes you look tougher than Chuck Norris at Comic Con. Oh sure, everyone always talks about the benefits of strength training but there is a dark side no one ever talks about. No, literally, a dark side. Namely, in my pits. Because I have very dark hair and very light skin, see. For those of you not similarly cursed (it’s not a bug, it’s [...]

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