Despite what shows like The Biggest Loser and shrieking harpies like Meme Roth contend, shaming people is not an effective weight loss tool. And yet books, talk shows, diet gurus and more magazine articles than I care to count advocate shaming your loved ones, friends, casual acquaintances and even perfect strangers into losing the extra poundage. These days it is even fashionable to shame yourself a la Oprah Winfrey’s I’m-200-pounds magazine cover confessional and Kristie Alley’s “coming out” about her unpardonable sin of backsliding on a diet and regaining the lost weight.
Fat shaming – whether we do it to others or ourselves – has one huge downfall: people are only temporarily motivated by negative consequences. Psychologists have long known that while punishment can bring about quick change, it isn’t often lasting change. And in the world of health and weight loss, lasting change is the only thing that matters. In fact, riding the weight roller coaster is actually worse for you than just staying heavy. If you want people to make a life-long change, positive reinforcement – most powerfully in the form of love – is the only thing that makes sense.
I was reminded of this truth when I got a PR pitch in my e-mail this past week. Now, in the realm of PR pitches which are already notorious for being bad, this one was bottom of the barrel. It read: “Thought this might be interesting for your blog! I was editor of the book.” Included was the link to the book which I am not going to name for reasons that will soon become apparent. Aside from the fact that if her e-mail writing skills are any indication of her editorial skills then there is little hope for the book, her pitch was impersonal and brief to the point of being non-informative. It is not my practice to slam PR people or the companies they represent as I believe negativity breeds only more negativity but just reading the sample chapters of this book made my blood boil like very few things do. It’s all about how to shame, guilt, cajole and otherwise harass yourself and others into losing weight. It’s about making it into a war between “us” and “them.”
The gist of the book is to define a multitude of ways that thin people think differently than fat people. This in and of itself is not a bad concept – other authors like Dr. Judith Beck have used this technique with much success and kindness – the problem is in the way this Book I Shall Not Give Any Publicity To By Naming It separates the thin from the fat. Here is the opening salvo in the “war” they declare on fat:
“Fat people have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their own behavior, so they blame their diet. That’s no different than a college graduate begging for money on the street and then blaming the school for his failure to succeed.”
I believe he just said that fat people are morally flawed; unable to accept responsibility for their own behavior. Does it matter that fat people routinely hold down jobs that require a great deal of responsibility? Or that they responsibly raise children? Or responsibly serve in their community? Somebody better tell Oprah that she’s better off begging in the streets.
Here are some sample tips with which to self-flagellate:
“Fat people believe diets don’t work. Fit people believe people don’t work.” That’s right – it’s not the diet that’s flawed, it’s you! This hones in on one oversimplification that the weight-loss industry loves to make: that if you just try hard enough you will lose weight. And that may true in the short term. It’s hardly ever true in the long term. There are a lot of contributing factors to losing weight and only one of them is raw willpower.
“Fat people believe 99% compliance is good. Fit people believe 99% compliance is failure.” The book goes on further to say, “Get tough and hold your feet to the fire. 99% compliance is failure. If you’re going to get fit, it’s all or nothing.” I ask you: how often has all-or-nothing thinking actually worked for you? Or anyone you know? Brittle people break. And I say that knowing that I am one. Also, if you comply with your diet 99% of the time, I daresay it will work for you. It absolutely is not failure. Any step towards better health should be considered a success.
I could go on but you get the point. It’s cruel, infuriating and trite. Yet the thing that bothers me most is how ubiquitous this approach is. It’s not just this one book. It’s endemic in our culture. And it’s what leads people to say things like, “Because I’m fat I’m gross and disgusting.” or “It doesn’t matter what I succeed at in life – no matter if I’m a good mother or a rock star or a CEO, if I’m fat I’m a failure.” or even “If were skinny, then I would be loved.” This breaks my heart.
Fat People are People First
For some reason, especially when it comes to weight and appearance, we seem to focus on the adjective before the personhood. This is evidenced by the multitudes of letters to various advice columnists asking some incarnation of “I’m not attracted to my significant other anymore because they’ve turned into a fat cow so how do I make them lose weight?” I hate these kinds of letters because they reduce a person – a person that you once loved enough to make some level of commitment to – to one single attribute. I’m not saying that it isn’t okay or even loving to want a loved one to lose weight for their health and happiness and I’m not saying that it isn’t normal to have your attraction wane as physical appearance changes. But that isn’t the end of the story – it’s the beginning.
Like any elderly couple can tell you, everyone loses their youthful beauty through some combination of illness, age and life circumstance (yes, even the Hollywood botox queens) so if that is all your love is based on, then it was never love in the first place. “But what if she dies young from being so overweight?” a concerned friend once asked me about his beloved and overweight spouse. “What if she dies thin, thinking your love is conditional?” was my reply. The love of the person has to come first. People who are truly, deeply, genuinely loved will then be open to making the changes that they need and want to make.
Fat shaming doesn’t work. Loving people is the only thing that does. So if loving people is the only thing that works, then why don’t more people use it? Because it takes more time, understanding and effort than just yelling, belittling and shaming. It’s harder. So now who is lacking in willpower?
And what if they/we/you never lose weight? So what. Society will not come crashing down around our ears – or rather, if it does, I’m thinking dishonest corporations and unethical politicians and a morally compromised populace will have a lot more to do with it than an abundance of adipose tissue.
Legal Crap
Since I’m actually quoting from the book, I feel compelled to cite it so they can’t sue me for not crediting them for their work. But I’m going to put it in a teeny tiny link down here at the bottom; it’s the least I could do. Also, please note that I only read the five sample chapters on the website and this is what I based my review on. Perhaps the book does a 180 and changes its judgemental and condescending tone. But I doubt it.
Thanks for this one. I agree that will power is only one of many things that contribute to whether one is fat of skinny or has belly fat or can't lose those last 10 pounds. It's frustrating when people make things so black or white.
Its sad that society seems to reduce people to their physical appearance. Life is so much more than being a size 0, or striving to achieve that.
As always, you make a multitude of great points. Thank you!
The comment about 99% being a failure made me furious. I've spent the last almost 15 years now trying to get away from that kind of thinking – the kind that tells me I'm a failure for eating anything, for giving in to one bite, for missing one workout, for gaining half a pound. I'm trying to be okay with eating food cause it actually tastes good and letting myself have days to rest and not workout when I need them. The all or nothing, anything less than perfect is failure thinking got me into such a horrible place, and one that is so hard to get back out of that I'm still constantly struggling with it. That just made me so mad. That's not how skinny people think – that's how eating disordered people think and it's a damn hard thought process to try to change. No one needs to ENCOURAGE it.
Im glad I didnt get this pitch—or that it become lost in the mountain of PROMOTE ME FOR FREE which has become my email account.
I know you must be tired of hearing this but perhaps this is your call to action?
perhaps a COUNTER to this is what you should write?
if your post is any inkling/clue I say yes.
Miz, who wonders if aforementioned nonetoobright editor/author pr person sent the same email to kimwrites.com
Egads, what an awful concept! I'm glad you're calling them out on it, and found a way to do that without contributing to their publicity efforts.
I can't think of anything more idiotic than the idea that thin people are thin because they engage in all-or-nothing thinking and feel that anything less than perfection is failure. Any psychologist can confirm that EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE is true. One of the first thing a cognitive behavioral therapist will do is challenge all or nothing thinking because it dooms self-improvement efforts!
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
And I totally agree with your take on shaming. Who on earth can seriously argue that it's effective, let alone moral?
It sounds like advice from someone who has NO FRIGGEN CLUE about what it's like to be here and struggle. It sounds like what I've heard men (and some women, although it's more rare) say my entire life. Clueless. Completely clueless.
This is one beautiful post, Charlotte. Thank you for it.
Ugh. I feel like this was written by someone with an undiagnosed eating disorder. Or someone who's a huge jerk (or both).
Some people get genes for more adipose tissue, and some people have medical issues that make it difficult (if not impossible)to lose weight (or even prevent from gaining).
Further, an all or nothing approach exacerbates the problem. Tell someone that eating a cookie is complete and utter failure and they'll eat the bag, because they've already failed (which is a great way to set yourself up for blood sugar issues).
That book = Epic Fail.
I wish these people knew what it was like to be addicted to emotional eating/sugar.
I do agree…I'm "flawed". But not on a moral level, more like a hormonal level. I don't know if I can fix that by thinking tough.
All the stuff about being morally flawed and not being responsible is true in some ways. What you have to remember, though, is that everyone has that little aspect of their lives that is out of control. Each of us are morally flawed in one way or another. I don't know who is more fortunate, those like the "fat people" that can't hide their weakness or those that can, or those whose weakness coincides with the current expectation of society (being too thin, for example).
I'm not defending the book, I'm just pointing out that from a very narrow, self-righteous point of view, a lot of it is probably true, however unproductive it is toward achieving the desired result. I think one big part of life is learning to live among people that are different than you and part of that is not condemning others for their flaws because each of us has them. Some are just less visible.
You make a really excellent point Jer. Thanks for teasing out that nuance for me. You said it better than I could have & I totally agree!
I have to say, out of the many, many posts of yours that I've read, this is hands down my favorite.
I completely agree with one of the Anonymous comments… the guilt and shame that is perpetuated in books like that is a perfect breeding ground for eating disordered thoughts and actions, masqued by what seems like a noble cause (Skinny Bitch, anyone?).
The "all-or-nothing" approach both infuriates and saddens me. I hope this book never gets further than the pathetic emails that are sent.
Charlotte, I've been a long-time reader and lurker, and I must emerge to say that this is hands-down the BEST thing I've read about why fat-shaming doesn't work and why we need to change. It really touched me – love *is* the answer – and has made my day. Thank you. I think the notions here about fat-shaming can apply to all manner of self-shaming we do to ourselves.
Great post! I have been trying to overcome my perfectionism/all or nothing habits for so long. This type of thinking is so hurtful.
I feel like I had an "ah-ha" moment after reading this post. Every book I have read about succeeding in the business world usually has a chapter about how failure is the path to success. Thomas Edison said "I haven't failed, I found 10,000 ways that don't work" (to build a light-bulb).
I need to take that same principle and apply to to me whole life, not just the business part!
"Brittle people break"
That is so simple, honest, and genius. Thanks.
Excellent post! You really nailed it! That approach will never work with me… I have been working too hard on letting go of my perfectionism!
Ugh- our essential self is NOT our weight.
Also I can't stand it if someone does a poor job of pitching their product like that, heh.
Awesome.
Love and compassion and understanding… empathy… These are the things I'm working to improve in my life.
And not jumping to judgement about situations and people I don't know anything about.
And my health.
Oh yes, and weight, too .. but not as my main focus in life.
Never again.
I've gotten fit and strong with 80% compliance, TOPS.
Take that, you All-or-Nothing Negative Nellie, whoever you are, and stuff it.
Great post Charlotte! I must say that people often think I never eat bad when they see me BUT what I learned the hard way is that you have to enjoy life too & that makes all the hard work worth it! This all to perfection or nothing is not great for long term results nor can people live with that long term. The stress of it all mentally will take you down!
I also dislike the put downs on fat people that you mentioned… There are many reasons people are thinner or heavier & many stem from emotional issues that have not been resolved… people can gain AND lose due to this. Plus, if they are happy with themselves, who are we to say they need to be somebody else!
Thx for your very frank post. Me, I am going keep working out hard but I am also going to enjoy my cookies & bread & whatever else I want to fit in my food program. I learned trying to never enjoy was way to hard on my psyche! Talk about emotional probs!!!
Argh. That kind of thing makes me want to throw things. Preferably AT THE PERSON. Great post, though Charlotte.
I have to say that one of the things I read a lot in the Fat Acceptance sites is the sentiment that if shaming REALLY worked, everyone would be thin. I don't always agree with everything I read over there, but I think that statement is freakin' BRILLIANT.
Yet another tome that not only allows but encourages hatred of people based on appearance.
As well as self-loathing in fat people. Or in thin people who see themselves as fat.
THIS is the EXACT thinking that leads to eating disorders!
Someone needs to take this writer to an ED clinic and force him to look at the results of his way of thinking. Maybe seeing a 15 year-old with the bones of a 90 year-old and on the verge of heart failure will open his eyes.
But I doubt it.
Maybe we should "shame" him into not writing any more books?
Thank you for this reminder. My DH is fat and I often worry about the consequences to his health but never know how to approach him about it. He sees me working hard to lose/maintain weight but he hasn't found the right motivation for himself yet. I know he will eventually, I just have to continue to let him know that he's loved and supported.
Grrrr…..
Agreed 100% Fantastic post!
I'm hoping that I will see a future post somewhere on what does lead to long term weight loss. I'm guessing that for many it's something different for each person. As I see my friends who believe that being unfit as they age can be attended to next year have significant problems this year, I feel helpless and sad.
Wow! Great post! I am a Seventh-Day Adventist and there is a big focus on health and eating right intertwined within our denomination, which can be good and is often bad . It so easy to point out that someone is being gluttonous but not someone who has a problem with say…porn. We all have our issues and places we run to hide. So it's easy to pick on the chubby ones.
Charlotte, I just found your blog – wow – very impressive. I've only read a few posts, but your topic selection and writing is top notch. Thanks!
Andrew
Great post, I really enjoyed this. You touch on a lot of the same things as I do at my website http://hellosixpackabs.com. Thanks for the good info.
My mom thought shame was a useful, effective tool. Still does, and I resent her for it, and I think it's done me a lot of psychological damage. Please, don't do that to your children or anyone else you care about.
Fat hate makes me cringe. I live in such a pc area (with very few really big people) so I don't run into it very often. I always confront it, people don't expect that, and usually have never thought about it. Unless they're total asshats.
I appreciate most of Jer's point, but I must stress that overweight is not a symptom of being morally flawed. Weight is not a moral issue. Health is not a moral issue. (Being a collector of child pornography–now that's a moral issue!) Conflating health/"healthy behaviors" and morality only exacerbates societal health problems. We've seen this with issues other than overweight (because many people, including policymakers, thought that AIDS, for example, was some divine punishment for immoral acts, there was gross negligence on the part of the government [tisk, tisk, President Reagan] and general public, who felt that those suffering from the disease were getting what they deserved, and the problem went unchecked for years; the work of activists who rallied against ignorance and hostility saved many lives). You can see how looking at health problems as moral issues, especially those associated (sometimes inaccurately) with certain behaviors, can only be detrimental.
And to others who have left comments, don't apologize for your own overweight or offer an explanation for other people's obesity. Some people are heavy because of glandular problems and hormonal issues, other medical problems, or maybe because fast food places are pervasive in some areas while regular grocery stores, much less Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, are absent (particularly low-income ones); or because they are emotional eaters. Or maybe they enjoy eating more calories than their bodies spend in a day just for the hell of it. But, no matter the reason, no one should face reproach or feel obligated to explain herself for being overweight.
Great post, Charlotte!
This reminds me a recent interview with Gary Taubes over at Testosterone Muscle:
http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_interviews/eat_your_lungs_out_while_getting_leaner
He addresses the issue of obesity being equated with a moral flaw…good read.
Hmm, link didn't work. The article can be found at Testosterone Muscle (yeah, totally fills my head with images of beefcakes and low IQ's).
The article is called "Eat Your Lungs Out." Excellent article. I talk about it over on my blog too if that's easier.
Sadly, I read a study somewhere that the people who pictured themselves FAT in a bathing suit worked out harder and better than those who pictured themselves succeeding. How buggered is that?
Thanks, very nice post.
I just got to know your blog and I'll say that I'm absolutely going to keep it in my Google Reader 🙂
Cheers from sunny Rome
V.
I just found your blog today and I want to just say that this post was one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. As someone who has struggled with her weight since childhood (I'm 25 now), I know all too well how damaging hurtful negativity can be, both when it comes from others (even "well-meaning" others) and when it comes from within. I lost nearly 90 lbs when I was 20 and managed to keep it off since, but I am still on the heavy side. While I've certainly had moments of desperation and self-hatred due to my size, I also know that those moments have never inspired me to anything great — the only times I've felt the willpower to say no to unhealthy foods or unhealthy amounts of food, or convinced myself to go for an hour long run and really push myself is when I tell myself that doing these things would be doing myself a FAVOR; that these things are good for me and I deserve to treat myself well. Punishing myself has never worked and never produced anything positive.
My favorite part of the post, though, was your words about an individual's personhood coming before any shortcomings, including weight. Truer words have never been spoken, but while that simple statement might seem self-evident, I think that message is often lost, especially when it comes to weight. A fat person is often absolutely nothing more than his/her size.
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