This is a real thing – it’s a game (well, more of a dare, really) from Jelly Belly called Beanboozled where you basically play Russian Roulette with sugar. Of course we bought it. My boys thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.
It all started with a bag of Sweetart jelly beans and a handful of chocolate chips. Well, actually it started last night when I stayed up all night with a sick kiddo. (Nobody likes to puke alone, I get it, but I’m telling you there’s nothing worse than waking up to someone with the Purple Burps breathing into your face.) Okay, technically it started last weekend when I had 7 articles due and twice as many experts to interview. Or maybe it was last week when my son decided that instead of going to bed like I’d told him, instead he would fall on a staple (A TINY METAL STAPLE) and need stitches at 10 o’clock at night. No wait, I suppose it really started 11 years ago when my first child was born. Whatever. My point: I am severely sleep deprived. (Oh and CURSE YOU daylight savings time!)
Sleeping is my jam. I don’t want to brag or anything but I’m a champion sleeper and always have been*. (Are there extreme sleeping contests like there are extreme eating contests? I’m not sure what that would look like – hanging in a climbing tent off the face of Half Dome? – but I’d be up for it.) No matter what other issues are going on in my life, I’ve never had insomnia or random night wakings and other than a few bad bouts of PTSD (leftover from being sexually assaulted), no major nightmares either. Although I do have lots of dreams and generally remember them after waking – which sounds cooler than it is since I usually dream really lame-o stuff. Take last night for instance, I dreamt I was talking to some old coworkers from several jobs ago who ended up being just as boring in my dreams as they were in real life. Freudian acolytes, make of that what you will.
But despite my ability to fall asleep nearly anytime anywhere, I do have my preferences. IDEALLY:
Bad news: Jelly Bean has croup. (A virus characterized by a nasty cough that kind of sounds like a seal barking. Which my boys found hilarious. Which made Jelly Bean upset. Which made her cough harder.)
Good news: She got a dose of steroids at the pediatrician’s this morning and she’s like a new kid. Modern medicine really is a miracle. (Except that she’s ravenous. I’ve never seen her eat like this! It’s kind of funny – she just ate 4 pretzel buns, one after the other, only stopping to tell me, “these is the bestest food I’ve ever had!!”)
Tired news: But that meant that I spent most of last night awake – holding her upright, rocking her, taking her in a steamy bathroom and then out into the cold night air. (The hot/cold thing is supposed to help open their airways – I learned it from Anne of Green Gables. And the pediatrician also recommended it.) And then watching her fitfully sleep just in case she, you know, stopped breathing. Thankfully she’s fine now but I didn’t sleep at all and now I’m a walking zombie.
Hey kids! Do you like number crunching? Manipulating other people like marionettes? Watching people do intimate things when they think they’re alone and recording them? And then telling the whole world about it? If so, then human research is the job for you! But seriously, this new crop of health research is all about what people do in the dark and if you’ve ever wanted to try out being a professional creeper then you’re going to love this. Although, just FYI, the “intimate things” I’m referring to are eating, sleeping and excreting.
(Is this a good time to tell you that there is already video of me using the bathroom floating around out there? In college my best friends worked at a gas station who was managed by a guy who thought it would be awesome to hide a camera in the ladies’ restroom and film us all doing our duty, er, doody. The only reason we ever found out was ’cause he started showing it to people and got arrested. If that’s not reason enough to bring back aprons as a fashion statement, I don’t know what is!)