This is Son #3 at the beginning of the summer, pre-bangs debacle. And yes, this is his real mad face. Boy does not mess around!
Super Cuts is exactly the place you want your child to have a meltdown. Not only is everyone there holding sharp, pointy objects but the walls are lined with bottles of expensive goo and the floor is coated in hair. Best case scenario (and by best I mean worst): your kid will knock said bottles off the shelf, continue his tantrum by rolling around on the floor, stand up looking like a multi-hued Yeti and then bolt out into the parking lot because everyone is laughing hysterically at the kid dumb enough to lick the floor of a budget hair salon.
Which is how I ended up with one leg flung across my 7-year-old’s lap, effectively pinning him to the seat, sweating while I did my best Cirque-du-Soleil back bend trying to explain to the stylist standing behind me (and as far away from my sobbing son as possible) what to do for his back-to-school haircut. I was just trying to avoid the Yeti situation! I’d hate to make a scene.
Wal-Mart isn’t someplace I normally associate with life-changing moments. Although if you’re going to have a public freakout Wallyworld does have a lot to recommend it: Not only can you buy tranquilizers, Natural Calm and fuzzy socks (just me?) but it seems like there are always a bunch of people around to call 911 if you actually make good on your promise to pass out. Yet when I decided to start hyperventilating, I went into the bathroom to hide. Nothing like a public restroom to guide you! Instead of two-roads-diverging-in-a-yellow-wood ambiance, I had two stalls in a peeling yellow bathroom. (If you mis-read that as “peeing” know that’s how I first typed it. I’m not sure I was wrong either way.)
Guiltily I took the bigger stall, the one with the large blue disabled placard on the front, because, by golly, I needed my space — if not for my person, at least for my huge emotions. Plus I was the only person in the bathroom. And I was totally prepared to bolt out with my pants around my ankles should I hear a wheelchair rolling in. Promise.
Bucket lists are as popular these days as prison tattoos and while I love the idea of having goals and dreaming big, just because something is on The List doesn’t mean it’s a Good Idea. So here are 10 things that if you really want to do, then go for it but if you’re only doing them because everyone says you should then you officially have my permission to scratch these off your bucket list with no guilt. You can still be a fitness nerd in good standing!
(And now the part where I confess. I have done every single one of these things. And I’m not sorry I did. But I pretty much did them the wrong-est way they could be done and I did get hurt quite often. So if you love these things I’m not telling you to quit them or that they’re bad – with the exception of #9 – but rather that if you want to try them, at least be smarter about it than I was!)
1. Do a mud run/obstacle race
You know you’re a fitness nerd…if “dressing up” means wearing your silver Nikes.
Anyone who’s ever done weighted hip thrusts while having a serious conversation or watched two guys arm wrestle over the last jar of Pure Protein knows: Fitness is funny. The things we say, the things we do, and heaven help us, the things we WEAR. Every once in a while I take a step back and look at what I’m actually doing and it makes me giggle. So this weekend while I was laying on the floor doing my mandatory sets of butt clenches (excuse me, glute contractions) in the middle of the crowded gym, I came up with this list. I hope you’ll add on yours too!!
You know you’re a fitness nerd if:
1. You carry goggles, gloves, a jump rope and a change of clothes in your car at all times… and you’re not a serial killer.
2. You’ve ever spent time running around a playground… without bringing a kid.
3. You’ve ever been pinned with your arms above your head whilst trying to wiggle out of a sweaty sports bra. (And then what do you do? No seriously, I’m asking. Not that this has ever personally happened to me. Yes it has.)
“Wow, you’ve got a perfect snatch!” Yes, those words actually left my lips the other day. I was helping a friend with her kettlebell moves and that was it, I swear. Before we both busted out laughing, all I could think was only in the gym.
I don’t know if it’s the relative lack of clothing or all the weird body positions but there are so many things that we do in a gym environment that totally wouldn’t fly anywhere else. Just today, for instance, as I tried to work out the knot in my right butt cheek courtesy by rolling all over a medicine ball, I felt someone looking at me. Someone who was waiting for the ball. Sheepishly I rolled it over and mumbled, “Sorry, I’m done molesting it now. Your turn!” Or the time I had an entire conversation with a friend while I held bridge pose (lay on your back, hips up in the air like you’re petitioning the Goddess of Fertility) and she was rolling out her inner thigh on the foam roller. Neither one of us so much as blinked. Context is king.
Bounding into my room this morning at still-too-early-o’thirty (official Kid Standard Time), Jelly Bean threw herself across my slumbering back and did a perfect imitation of wee Princess Anna in Frozen, proclaiming, “The sky’s awake! So I am awake! So we have to play!”
My crabbiness was overcome by her cuteness and I cracked a smile. But when I say “cracked” I literally mean cracked. As in something by my lip snapped. And it hurt! I stopped smiling as quickly as a Sharpei at a Botox party. I ran to the mirror and was greeted by my old nemesis – my Bermuda Zit, so named because it sits in that unholy triangle of my lip, chin and cheek. Believe you me, if Amelia Earhart had crashed her plane into my Bermuda Triangle we would have found her before she got her socks wet because any little thing that touches that area of my face immediately prompts a skin eruption that make signal flares look like cocktail poppers.
I know it’s the weekend. Still. Stop whatever you’re doing and watch this now:
(sorry, you may have to click through to see the vid. It’s not showing up in readers for some reason. But I promise it’s worth it!)
These guys put together one of the funniest and yet also most accurate lists of “that guy” at the gym. (Although to be fair, 90% of them could also be “that girl”!) I laughed so hard.
“Dude, where’s your towel?!”
“It’s right here!!!!” (waves a hanky)
Also, I’m totally the “sprinting on the treadmill” person. And I’m NOT SORRY.
Ahhhh this will be the best 5 minutes of your day, promise.
I love that Pregnant Barbie’s stomach is really just the top to a Silly Putty egg. And hey, she’s already prepared for birth with her mesh panties!
This week I wrote a lot about how to prepare for pregnancy for Shape mag’s site. I got to talk to a bunch of experts about lady business, one of my fave subjects and even learned a few things which would come in handy if I was going to get pregnant again which, knock on wood, will not be happening again. (Just for the record, we’re way smarter about birth control than just knocking on wood.) So if you want solid advice from vetted experts and stuff go read my article over there. But if you want the advice for prepping your body for pregnancy that no one will tell you, well that’s why I’m here.
Charlotte’s 13 totally random, not fact-checked, hopefully hilarious tips to prepare for pregnancy and children:
– Start carrying a water bottle so that when your breast milk unexpectedly lets down you can splash your whole chest with water and pretend you just finished a really great workout and are not, in fact, turning into a human geyser.
Last time you’ll see this view, guys!
A few weeks ago I discovered something strange: All the photos that the Gym Buddies and I did for Shape Magazine’s website, to illustrate the articles I’d written and demonstrate the exercises I described, are gone. Yep, gone. Megan with her curly locks and impish grin, Krista with her hijab and flawless skin, Daria with her sweet smile and pregnant tummy and I with my spastic, silly poses and loud outfits – all erased. All the characters like Sensei Don, Turbo Jennie, Creepy MMA dude, Intern Brittany and Breakdancing guy – deleted. Heck, they even took out Allison who with her rad muscles and shiny hair actually looked like a legit fitness model. Don’t get me wrong – all my articles from the past 5 years are still there and indeed many of them are still in heavy rotation and pinned and tweeted and all that fun stuff, for which I am very very grateful. But us? The girls that actually did all those workouts? Replaced with stock photos that are alternately bland, hilarious and occasionally tragically wrong. What was our crime? Being real, flawed people I guess. Or, as one of my editors put it, “We’re trying to go for a more streamlined, homogeneous look on the site. We want it to look professional.” We weren’t professional models, see.
This has nothing to do with Equinox other than the fact that I think Stewie is totally their target customer.
Because a good workout can make you act so bad. Equinox gyms recently rolled out their new ad campaign. I had two immediate thoughts:
1. This is light years better than that awful porny Terry Richardson creep-a-thon they did previously.
2. This is supposed to sell me on their upscale gym??
The concept centers around hot models (because duh) doing ambiguously naughty things because – and this is the whole point – their Equinox gym made them. #EquinoxMadeMeDoIt #ProvenByHashtag #BetterThanScience
I think the point (besides hot models) is that working out will give you the confidence to finally become that criminal you’ve always dreamed about being. No, wait. The increased confidence will inspire you to take creative risks in your life – like being naked at inappropriate times! No, no. Your newly hot bod will cause you to become overconfident thereby making horrible life mistakes driven by your vanity! Oy. Okay, so according to their official campaign press release, it is that “Lowered inhibitions and playful naughtiness are the side effects of living a more provoked life.” (I want my life to be many things but I’m not sure provoked is one of them.)