Dear Kirstie Alley,
I got your press release about how you’re going back to your first diet love, Jenny Craig. (I really appreciated the personal touch of including the pictures of all your diet products. Apparently JC will now be carrying your line of diet drinks in their stores so, um, way to play it from both sides?) I wish I could say that I’m happy for you but watching you publicly yo-yo your weight up and down for years is starting to make me deeply uncomfortable. Not because your weight is fluctuating – that’s a totally normal part of the human experience – but because of how uncomfortable it seems to make you.
Take this statement you made in a recent interview in People where you explained the reason for your returning to Jenny Craig, after a 7-year hiatus: “I was good for awhile and then I wasn’t good, and the weight crept up. Like I say in the ad, I’m not circus fat. I didn’t hugely screw up. I didn’t gain 75. I gained 30.”
I used to love this game SO HARD as a kid. Raise your hand if you’re an 80’s kid!
“Mom! I need food now! My little legs are so weak!!” My 7-year-old son eats like his dad (and is dramatic like his mom) so I wasn’t surprised when he came barging in the door after school as if he were auditioning for Oliver! He then proceeded to eat half the kitchen and only quit when he realized the spaghetti he was chewing on was the plastic pile that came with Jelly Bean’s play kitchen. The next morning at breakfast I prepared his usual feast only to have him shrug and say, “I’m not hungry this morning” and wander off to put Legos down his Captain America costume (I don’t question it as long as they’re dressed in something).
Now compare that with this recent conversation:
Friend: You want to go get something to eat?
Me: I dunno. Are you hungry?
Friend: Eh. I could eat. Are you?
Me: Maybe. What were you thinking?
Friend: I dunno. I’m kind of munchy.
Me: It’s okay, we’re in Colorado, it’s legal now.
Poor T-Rex! I’m so worried about him! Those shorty arms can’t be healthy!
I’m basically the most insecure person I know. That may be partly because I don’t live in other people’s heads and spend too much time in my own. Or it may be because I watched too much “Daria” when I was younger. But still. I’m always wondering if I’m measuring up to people’s expectations. Am I nice enough? Pretty enough? Kind enough? Thin enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? Enough for what, you may ask. Enough to be loved. And I don’t know whether to punctuate that last sentence with a duh or a sigh. You choose.
But! I’m doing a lot better with that than I used to – in the worst of my eating disorder I’d be so paralyzed by my fear of not being “enough” that I simply couldn’t get dressed. I’d have a teary breakdown nearly every morning. Everything I put on made me feel like a failure because it made me look “fat.” And, in my messed up brain, fat = failure. These days, while I still have a really hard time getting dressed, I’m able to see it for what it is and force myself out of my closet anyhow. I’m still insecure but at least I’m insecure and out of the house. And I even have days now where I look at myself and think “I’m awesome!” (My husband, however, still bears the scars from earlier days of being perpetually late to everything – now whenever I ask him how my outfit looks he immediately responds, “You look beautiful. DON’T CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.” )
Anyone else seriously freaked out these t-shirts come in children’s sizes?? At least the girl on the left has enough sense to show her disapproval.
Amanda Bynes tweeted something interesting. I know, I never thought I’d write those words either. And yet, in the midst of a whole bunch of crazy in which she literally told rapper Drake to “murder” her ladybits (what does that even mean?!) she made a rather astute observation:
I’m suing certain blogs and magazines saying I have a mental illness! They take pictures anytime I’ve gained weight then write a fake story!
— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) April 5, 2013
I have an eating disorder so I have a hard time staying thin.
— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) April 5, 2013
“I have an eating disorder so I have a hard time staying thin.” I love her SO MUCH for saying this. First because you don’t often hear celebs talking about their eating disorders in the present tense – it’s always about how they had an eating disorder in the past. Because we can only talk about our struggles after we’re done struggling? Second, because she tackles a very popular eating disorder myth.
“Oh it’s not about the hamburger, buddy! Don’t you “just hamburger” me! That is just a hamburger like Elmo is just a furry toy with a stick up its butt! These things, they mean… other things! (And lead to lawsuits, in the case of Elmo.)” My breathing got faster as my hands tightened into fists. “That is just one more symbol of your misogynistic subconscious oppression of women! You might as well say you like your ladies dry aged like an angus and then served with a side of chips. Or maybe you’d just like us to be muppets too? So you can control our every move by sticking your hand… (ack, bad analogy detour! Rerouting…) We’re PEOPLE! With real human NEEDS! And I will certainly NEVER go on a date with you!!” I emphasized my point with a jab of my mascara wand… which hit the mirror in front of me. The black smudge brought me back to reality, a.k.a. the reality that I now had the extra chore of cleaning my mirror (they don’t call it waterproof for nothing!) and that the only person listening to my half-formed arguments was my cat. Who had been licking her butt for ten straight minutes. (Seriously how many hours a day do cats spend licking their butts? And then she wants to lip kiss me? I think not.)
Kim, no stranger to controversy, fired back at her critics in a recent interview, comparing the attacks to bullying and saying, “People can be so mean! It’s not cool. It’s not fair!”
Sarah Jessica Parker is the next step in evolution. Girlfriend recently confessed in an interview that her secret power is creating new bones. Like, inside herself and not in the form of a baby, dermoid cyst or alien experimentation! How’d did she get this magical talent? By murdering her feet with high heels. Naturally. Anyone who’s watched any fantasy movies knows that magic always comes with a price! “You don’t get something for nothing, dearie!” And in this case, her messed up bone structure in her feet comes courtesy of her ten years playing Mahnolo-obsessed Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. (Confession: I’ve never seen that show. Not even once. And yet I know all the characters’ names! Well, especially Charlotte’s. That one just sticks in my mind for some reason. So pretty!)
Sarah explained to Net-a-Porter,
“For ten or so years, I literally ran in heels. I worked 18-hour days and never took them off. I wore beautiful shoes, some better made than others, and never complained.”
“I went to a foot doctor and he said, ‘Your foot does things it shouldn’t be able to do. That bone there … you’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there.'”
Top Hollywood trainer plays the Hot or Not? game with top Hollywood starlets: It’s the type of juicy tabloid fodder that we all hope we’re too mature to care about and yet somehow finds its way into our brains. (Clearly I read it since I’m blogging it, ha!) Harley Pasternak, founder of the famous Five Factor Diet and personal trainer to a list of celebs so long that his website can’t even contain them all (Katy Perry! Jessica Simpson! Miley Cyrus!), recently came out with a new cleanse called the Body Reset Diet, a 15-day “smoothie-based” diet optimized for fast weight loss. (It’s like a crash diet! Just without acknowledgement of the crash!) His reasoning was simple:
“I realized that the slow-and-steady message I’d been espousing is not a real world solution for everybody. [While celebrities] need to lose, maybe, three or four pounds, and tone or sculpt… Real people need immediate results and I need to give it to them in an immediate way. People don’t want to wait 30 weeks, dropping a half a pound a week, to look and feel better.”
Hey girlfriends! Remember the good ol’ days when men were men and women were… prepubescent children? Like the time the fashion world crowned Elle Fanning the new “It Girl” at just 12 years old?
The Daily Beast wrote unironically,
“Though she’s still missing five teeth, Elle has shot up to 5-foot-6, and dresses look good on her ballet-dancer frame. “More designers are going to want to dress her because she’s tall-it’s sounds crazy to say someone has a good figure at 12-but she captures a youthful spirit,” says Interview’s entertainment director, Lauren Tabach-Bank.
That’s right – smile with your mouth closed sweetie! Don’t want to remind anyone that you’re still of an age to be losing baby teeth.