Finding your happiness: The problem with dieting to get skinny, running to win and working only for money

“You see my happy shirt?” The little girl’s insistent face pressed nearly up to mine before I noticed her, so enthralled I was with  the book I was reading tonight at the library. Truth to be told I didn’t notice her shirt at all, at first, but rather her halo of little cornrow braids with various candy wrappers expertly tied in so that she looked just like a rainbow of Skittles. So I smiled. What other option did I have?

Proudly she unzipped her jacked and puffed out her twee chest, her toddler breath puffing into my face, reminding me that I still had a shirt to admire. The shirt in question was hot pink with a large smiley face emblazoned on it in black glitter. Her own broad grin echoed that of her shirt. “Well that is the happiest shirt I have ever seen!” I exclaimed both acknowledging and dismissing her in a single breath. Heaven knows I have enough insistent little faces to deal with in my life and for once they were busily reading their own books (which in Jelly Bean’s case entailed putting all the toddler board books into her tiny grocery cart and proclaiming “It’s on sale!” with each new find – wherever would she have got that from??) so would anyone begrudge me my ten minutes of peace?

“I make dis shirt happy,” she proclaimed.

Then something magical happened. Just as I was about to correct her, as I correct Jelly Bean’s emergent-yet-endearing speech eleventy times a day – “You mean that shirt makes you happy?” – I realized she was right. That shirt didn’t make her happy. Truth: It was nothing more than a gaudy, poorly constructed rag, well worn albeit well loved. Truth: Positively effervescent with the joy of wearing one’s favorite shirt in (presumably) one’s favorite place, she filled that shirt with life. She did make that shirt happy.

The juxtaposition was jarring. At that moment I was deep into The Lifeboat (aff), a book about 39 survivors of a shipwreck crammed together in a rescue boat meant to hold half that for over two weeks. It is a beautiful book. Poignant. And asks many important questions about human nature, character, depravity and how thin the lines are between the three. But mostly it’s a book about desperate choices. Harrowing life and death choices. The kind of choices most of us never have to make, or if we do, they’re among the last ones we make.

But of course the genius of the story is that while we aren’t in a lifeboat, deciding who lives and who dies, we do make choices every single day as to how we will live. And ultimately how we will die. One of the most primary, most elemental, yes, most childlike choices we ever learn is the choice to be happy. We’re born knowing how to do this – as demonstrated by my library sprite – but somehow along the way we let ourselves be convinced that our happiness is out of our hands, that happiness is something that happens to us and then we spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to arrive. Preferably in a pink t-shirt and candy wrappers (I’m slow so thankfully the universe takes pity on me and throws me an obvious sign every once in a while).

It reminded me of the powerful documentary, aptly entitled “Happy,” (see trailer at the bottom of this post, if you’re interested) about how the concept of happiness is defined, sought after and acquired in different cultures. It begins with a rickshaw puller in an Indian slum talking about how happy his life is. As he sweeps his arm around his cardboard-and-tin hut he exults, “We only have a tarp to cover three sides but this allows a cool breeze to go from one end to the other.” Then he adds with a tiny shrug of his bony shoulders, “Of course it’s a bit of a problem in the monsoon season because the rain blows in but I don’t mind the monsoon rains, it keeps my feet from getting burnt in the sun.” His muddy children smile in agreement. But the real wonder of the moment isn’t that he can find happiness in such circumstances but rather, as the movie tellingly flashes through scenes from the US, Europe and Japan, that we who have everything have such a hard time finding it in ours.

I won’t bore you with the statistics or even try and draw any more comparisons between third world subsistence and first world extravagance but as anyone who’s watched the news and had to pop a Xanax knows, there is an epidemic of unhappiness and money is no safe haven. Why this is is varied and complex and the movie does a good job scratching the surface of some of these philosophical questions but there is one answer that is very simple – so simple that we often forget it. As the documentary points out, once a person’s basic needs for shelter, safety, food and love have been met the deciding factor as to how much happiness one has comes down to how we are motivated.

The movie breaks down motivation into two types:

1. Extrinisic motivations are goals “focused on rewards, on praise, on getting stuff”, or any external incentives that make you want to act. The three main types the researchers studied are money (financial success), image (looking right) and status (popularity or acclaim).

2. Intrinsic motivations are goals “inherently satisfying in and of themselves because they satisfy an instrinsic need that all people have” , or an internal drive that makes you want to act on it. The three main types studied are personal growth (being true to “who I really am”), close personal relationships and a desire to help the world become a better place.

That’s a lot of words but it handily explains why the US is 23rd on the list of happiest countries. (Want to know the #1 happiest country, as measured by self-report of the inhabitants? NIGERIA.) What are we told time and time again through media, through movies, and even sometimes through our beloved health and fitness community? That if we work really really hard and get enough money/get beautiful (thin) enough/get famous enough THEN we’ll be happy. Unfortunately with external goals there never is “enough.” Never. Psychologists call it the Hedonic Treadmill meaning that “whatever level of wealth or material goods you have, you’ll adapt to it and you’ll always want more.” (Also known as the reason I own so many dresses. Oops.) They add that “this hedonic adaptation is one of the main enemies of happiness.”

But not only are intrinsic and extrinsic motivations different, moreover they’re “on the exact opposite sides of value systems” so they actively compete against each other for our attention, energy and time.  Because if you’re spending more time working to earn more money, then you’re automatically spending less time cultivating those close personal relationships that buoy you up. Because if you’re always fighting for recognition and acclaim then you’re not serving those around you who need your help and becoming connected to your community. Because if you’re so consumed with perfecting your body then you have no time left to worry about developing who you really are inside. And in the worst case scenario we’re brainwashed to think that our body is who we really are and we are nothing more than shiny hair, white teeth and rock-hard abs… things we have only fleeting and minimal control over. Things that all rot and die when we’re chucked off the lifeboat.

Now I’m not saying everyone should ditch their treadmills and head to the commune. As one of the professors in the movie says, “Anybody who says money doesn’t buy happiness should talk to someone living under a bridge. But anyone who says money does buy happiness should talk to Bill Gates. The fact is, neither of these things are true.” But figuring out what exactly is motivating us may make all the difference between delight and despair. This requires asking yourself some hard questions:

Am I training for that race because I love the feel of running and enjoy mastering the sport? Or because I want to earn dessert and fit into my skinny jeans?

Am I trying to lose weight to avoid negative stigmas and increase my standing and popularity? Or because eating healthy foods makes me feel energized and moving my body in a joyous-sometimes-sweaty way allows me to do other things I love with greater ease?

Am I (gulp) writing all these posts and articles and books because I want everyone else to validate me, to tell me I’m awesome and funny and beautiful? Or because I want to help others, build an open thoughtful community, and keep learning even when it hurts?

Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations may, on occasion, get us to the same end (the finish line, size 2 pants, our own TV show) but how we feel about reaching our goal will be entirely different. And it’s not about convincing ourselves that one motivation is more worthy than the other and trying to force ourselves to be perfect but rather taking the opportunity to examine what we deeply want and why exactly we want it so badly. People will say that you can be motivated by both types of goals – and that’s true – but if we’re really honest with ourselves, one will become more important than the other. And in a world where time is the only commodity of real import and it’s already scarce, you will eventually have to choose. I’m not saying I’ve got this nailed down (whoo boy do I need priorities check) but tonight is a great first step.

So: Does the shirt make you happy? Or do you make the shirt happy?

(And seriously – does anyone have a happy shirt? I had one when I was pregnant that had a cartoon zombie on the front and said “I eat braiiiinns”. I still giggle everytime I think about it. I mean, we always say the baby is in our tummy, right? Get it??? Okay, I’m lame. Tell me your fave shirt!)

22 Comments

  1. I didn’t know Lifeboat was a book! I saw the Hitchcock movies decades ago; I assume it’s based on the book.

    Most people I know are either happy or miserable no matter what’s going on in their lives. The miserable ones aren’t happy no matter how good they’ve got it, and the happy ones are happy in spite of whatever s**t is happening at the time.

  2. I currently have happy SHORTS. They’re running shorts and they have brightly colored parrots all over them. I love walking in them.

    I also have a happy tank top. It’s a man’s tank with kitten faces all over it. KITTENS! I can’t wait to wear it (can’t wear it to work so I’m saving it for vacation, when I’ll wear it all the time)

    I’ve also found (after 37 years of life) that we make our own happiness. I can choose to be crabby and focus on all the negatives or I can acknowledge them (and give them a few minutes of my time) and move on to something that makes me happy. It’s just a shame that it took me my whole life to figure that one out! But at least now the rest of my life can be far less bitter and mean.

  3. Im with naomi.
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mother—but she’s unhappy no matter what.
    always.

  4. Best post in a long time–maybe your best yet. And you *are* awesome and funny and beautiful, with or without your blog.

  5. I watched a podcast years ago with the Dalai Lama, a bishop, a rabbi and a Muslim (sounds like a setup for joke) all talking about happiness. It was a wonderful discussion but one thing really stuck out to me. The rabbi told the story of an 18th century rabbi sitting in his city square watching a man running to and fro. Finally the rabbi stopped the man and asked him what he was doing and the man said he was chasing happiness. The rabbi said, “why are you so sure it’s in front of you? Maybe you need to stop and let it catch up with you”. I loved that because it is easy to feel like “I’ll be happy when….” but really maybe we need to stop thinking of it being out there waiting for us and instead stop and see it all around us.

  6. I find happiness in making things. Knitting, Baking, writing software. I’m not entirely sure if that is extrinsic since it is in some way consumerism, or intrinsic because the things I make make me happy because I made them?

    My favorite shirt, is not a shirt, but a bunch of shirts. My sons and I do a tie dye day every summer and those shirts always make me think of summer fun.

  7. This post reads like a chapter in a very good book you have written Charlotte!

    I applaud you.

    As to “happy” shirts…

    I have SEEN a few that made me chuckle. For example, seen on a very pregnant woman walking with her husband: “Not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” with an arrow pointing to her tummy.

    One that made me smile: “I wondered where the sun went all night…then it dawned on me.”

    One with a philosophical position I MAY explore further: “D.A.D.D. – Dad’s Against Daughters Dating.”

    There are occasion-specific clothes that I treasure, but for everyday wear, at least in the spring, summer and fall, I have acquired a collection of knee length shorts which have several secure smaller pockets and particularly two deep ones that can each hold a bottle of water. Thus equipped, I happily go and run.

    A loooong way.

    I have been without shelter, safety, food and (romantic) love.

    I have still managed to be happy in each circumstance.

    If I waited for “validation” from others for me to be happy and progress, it would be a very sad and unproductive existence.

    I have been without my four children since my ex abducted them a little over eight years ago.

    THAT makes it hard to be happy.

    But…

    …the alternative is to be steeped in hate, poisoned with bitterness, resentment and anger, and become an empty and hollow husk of a human being, bereft of any quality my children NEED to find in me once we all find each other.

    So I cultivate hope. And joy. And love for others.

    And I help where I can.

    That makes me happy.

  8. This is great, Charlotte! (Do you feel happier b/c I said so?) 🙂
    I always tell my kids to “make it a great day” as they leave for school with the hope that they will recognize that they choose how their day will be and that they are ultimately responsible for how their day will turn out. It’s all in our attitude and how we choose to act/react. Even though I know that choosing to be happy will indeed make me happy, I still struggle with just being happy! I let stuff bother me and irritate me and then my grouchy side takes over. I need to figure out what my “happy button” is, something that I can do when I’m feeling irritated or depressed that will always pull me out of it. I live in Utah, so lying in the warm sand at the beach is out. :-}. I’ll get back to you when I figure it out! 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts!

  9. I have been blessed with an over-active “happy” gland. This is not to say I don’t have bad days (well, okay, bad hours… fine, bad moments!) but on the whole, I just have a sunny disposition. My hubby, on the other hand, is a wee bit on the cranky side. He constantly asks how I can be so darned happy even first thing in the morning!
    (And I love that “Dad” comment above. Talk about validation!)

  10. I find happiness in doing things and making things. I have learned to find happiness in the little things lately and to celebrate it wherever we can find it. Even in the darkest times, there is always something 🙂
    I have a few happy shirts. My old one (worn to tatters) actually just says “happy” on the front of it and the other is my Natalie Dee shirt (with an I am awesome hotdog on it).
    Loved this post 🙂

  11. My happy shirt was a big pink preggers one that said “I can’t wait to hug my Mommy”. I wore it ALL. THE. TIME. Loved it.
    And yes, we decide each day, each hour, each minute, how we are going to be. Happy? Cranky? Bored? I made a conscious decision to be happy. And now it’s a habit. I have lots of bad habits, but this one is something I’m happy with. (ha ha ha)

  12. I love ‘happy’ discussions! I have definitely learned some things that increase my happiness, but I have noticed especially lately that when I’m grumpy I need to sit in time out to refind my happiness. Certain Things won’t work at that point, but a little meditation to find my determination to be happy works wonders. If I teach my little that she can choose to be happy, I need to follow that same advice. Again, amazing what we can do for ourselves when we do it for them.

  13. My happy shirt advertises CARCA–the Canadian Avalanche Rescue Cat Association (an attempt to usurp the dominant position that dogs hold in the world of avalanche rescue animals). Their slogan is “They have nine lives because you only have one.” Silliness at its finest. http://carca.ca/
    I often have to remind myself to be happy and not get lost in the maze of depression that my mind constructs for itself. My New Year’s resolution was to focus on doing things that feed my soul–playing my flute, gardening, spending more time outside, cooking, making stuff.

    • Did both gardening and spending more time outside (family gathering at a lake) this past weekend.

      I knew I missed being outside at a lake…but I did not realize HOW MUCH I missed it until I was standing on the shore, feeling the breeze on my face and the scented and moist air in my lungs and the trees and the sky and water stretching out before my eyes.

      All that and the butterflies and the birds and the birdsongs just fed my soul to overflowing.

  14. Great post! I struggle with this pretty often. Not whether or not I own a happy shirt, but trying to find happiness instead of just being happy. I know all about changing my thoughts and how they create my reality, but I still get stuck in thoughts that are the opposite of happiness producing. And then sometimes I think ‘I should be happier,” but that thought certainly won’t make me happy either. And sometimes I feel genuinely in the moment and happy and then I catch myself and worry something will be taken away that makes me happy. Interesting. This post has really made me think 🙂

  15. I have a LOT of happy shirts (and dresses and skirts and even some pants – generally the plaid ones, I like plaid). Race shirts, silly shirts, fun shirts, shirts I like the color of – honestly, if something is boring or plain it usually ends up getting donated. Today I’m wearing my half marathon shirt from March, not a great race, but I went right from the race to a vacation, so that gives me happy memories there.

    I find myself generally happy. I also find myself in the fittest, and most financially secure state I’ve been in my adult life. While I don’t think money buys happiness per se, I think it makes it easier to pursue things that make us happy instead of just struggling to survive. At some point, I think the returns diminish. I used to think I needed to be super rich to be happy but I’m pretty satisfied with just not having want for anything major.

  16. I find myself the happiest when I don’t pile too many things in my life. I know we’re all trying to live in the moment, but actually focusing and forcing yourself to do so is harder than I thought. I downsized my commitments (or “right-sized” them, which is supposed to make me feel better and not like I’m being a wimp) so I could really focus on what was in front of me, and as a result I do feel happier. I want less, I compare less, I see more, I experience my own life more fully, without trying to find or buy things to fill it up for me. When I talk to other people about how busy they are I definitely feel a case of the comparisons coming on (“they do so much! I should do more!”) but then I realize that if I added that much more to do, I couldn’t enjoy the things I am already doing. I like that when I’m playing with my baby I am just playing with him, I’m not also thinking about work. I like that when I am at the gym with a friend I can just work out and socialize, I’m not fretting about the other things I have to do.

    I was inspired to downsize when I found myself just praying and being frustrated with my baby because he wouldn’t nap on a schedule that was convenient, so I could catch up on some work. It was kind of an ugly feeling, to feel myself get angry with him because I wanted to check my email.

    Of course, there is a part of me that also feels guilty about having fewer commitments. Part of it is that I feel very advantaged and privileged to be able to do so, yet I almost don’t want to relax enough to accept the privilege. I’m just getting in my own way there, though.

  17. Dear me Charlotte,

    Everyone knows that the key to happiness is chocolate covered bacon. Especialy the kind with dark chocolate. After that, the rest of life is just ways to either earn more bacon, or ways to kill time before eating more bacon.

  18. I find myself happy whenever I get the chance to go to the gym and try to get fit. It’s hard at first but I enjoyed doing it along with mt friends. I got a happy shirt too and it glows in the dark! 😀

  19. I also have one of those