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Happy NEDA week, everyone! This week – February 23 to March, 1 2014 – is National Eating Disorders Awareness week and I’ll admit that I wasn’t going to post about it at first. Mostly because I feel like I write so much about eating disorders on this blog that it’s kind of NEDA all the time here. I’ve had eating disorders for decades, they’ve been with me for more of my life than not, and I’ve been very public about my struggles with them and my continuing recovery. My archives are full of posts about how I developed my EDs, what kinds I’ve had, what treatments I’ve been through, what setbacks I’ve had, my body image and endless posts about what I’ve learned. I didn’t think I had anything left to say on the subject, frankly.
And then two things happened:
First, I got assigned to write a story for Greatist about tips from people recovering from eating disorders. Basically I asked them what they know now that they wish they knew then. The responses I’ve gotten have been some of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever heard and I’ve been so moved by the courage, faith, tenacity and humor of these survivors. People are amazing. (Plus, I did my first-ever interview with a woman in labor with her first baby. I kept telling her we could do the interview another time or even cancel it and I could find another source but she insisted she wanted her story told. She said she wasn’t worried and wasn’t in any pain yet. I told her to enjoy that feeling as it would be the last time she would be pain- and worry- free for the next 18 years. In hindsight, 18 years was probably too optimistic.)
Second, a friend tagged me on Facebook on a sensationalist news story about the “frightening new trends” in eating disorders. As I read through the story and then the comments, I became furious at the way all these people were talking about eating disorders and the millions of people – myself included – who fight them on a daily basis. I read the comments and thought of all the amazing people I’d just interviewed and I just wanted to scream. But as the anger died down, I realized that this story and the accompanying comments are a perfect capsule of all the different messed-up ways people talks about EDs. So I figured that this is as good a time as any to start a discussion about how to kindly and appropriately talk about this subject. (And I’m not claiming to be perfect myself nor have all the answers!)
Fail #1: The new trends angle
(You may have to click through to see all the pictures- for some reason they aren’t showing up in some readers)
Let’s just start with the news story itself! First, I’d like to say that all types of EDs are “frightening” – fear is the very bedrock of an eating disorder. And it’s not just fear of being fat. It’s fear of losing control, of being unloveable, of being seen as worthless in a society that prizes beauty above all else, of not being good enough, of disappointing people and above all, it’s fear of oneself. The first thing someone with an eating disorder learns is that they – their body – cannot be trusted. They can’t trust their body to know what it needs, they can’t trust it to stop eating or start eating, they can’t trust it not to betray them. And because they can’t trust themselves they come up with all these rules to keep their unruly body in line, even if those rules canl ultimately kill them.
But what I really hate about this is that they’re trying to make it novel with this talk of new trends. EDs aren’t new. The basics of bingeing, purging and starving have been with us probably about as long as people have been in societies. People may come up with new methods of accomplishing those three things but in my experience highlighting these new techniques only serve to shock people who don’t have an eating disorder and tutor the rest of us who do. Both of those things suck. I’m not saying we can’t talk about the ways people harm themselves but let’s stop treating ED sufferers like a freak show.
Fail #2: “You’re just crazy.”
Dismissing someone with a mental health disorder as “crazy” is not only rude, it’s harmful. It means that you don’t care enough to try and understand them or what their experience is and in addition, you find it so outside the range of “normal” that you don’t think it even warrants discussion. You can’t help anyone if you short-circuit the discussion by relegating them to a group which is defined as being “outside of reason.” Also, eating disorders are many things – cruel, vicious, mean, manipulative – but they’re not senseless. In fact, the more you talk to people about how they developed their ED, the more you see that it makes a lot of sense how they ended up where they are. It doesn’t mean it was the best choice in the situation but it wasn’t an irrational one.
Plus, let us all remember that we each have our own personal brand of “crazy” and if yours happens to not be of the ED variety then be grateful. I’m sure you have other issues. We all do. It’s part of being human.
Fail #3: “Your problem is dumb because other people in the world have worse problems.”
It is true that an eating disorder can seem like the very epitome of a first-world problem. Oh we have SO MUCH delicious food, we can’t STOP EATING, wah, wah. And I agree that other people in the world have worse problems – something that is worth remembering. We could all do better with some perspective. But pain is not a zero sum game. Just because someone else has more doesn’t mean mine is less nor does my suffering more cause someone else to suffer less. Pain is pain. We all hurt. Some of us hurt much worse than others, a fact that if we could truly grasp the enormity of would bring us all to our knees in horror.
I wish, with all my heart, that people weren’t starving anywhere in the world. But I also wish, with all my heart, that people weren’t suffering from mental illness. You can hold the two thoughts at the same time in your heart without one taking away from the other. Instead of using this argument to attack someone else’s experience, we should use it to greater empathize with one another and find ways to help anyone who is hurting, regardless of why.
(Also: Not to be picky but when someone else starves you that is not an eating disorder. That is torture.)
Fail #4: “It’s easier to make fun of you than it is to listen to you.”
I enjoy a good pun as much as the next geeky girl and I’ll even admit to finding some eating disorder jokes really funny (and inappropriate. and hilarious). There is definitely a place for humor in talking about mental illness – something I definitely take (too much?) advantage of on this blog. But this dismissive kind of humor isn’t funny, isn’t helpful and really isn’t all that clever. It’s not that I find this to be particularly offensive – I don’t – but rather eye-rollingly distracting from the real discussion. I’m totally fine with you telling me that you cannot understand the mentality that led me to starve myself. In fact, I’m glad you don’t get it! But don’t intentionally misunderstand the situation by feigning idiocy or I might take you at your word. Pardon me, but your ignorance is showing.
Fail #5: “Let’s change the discussion to my problem.”
GMOs and pesticides and all the other crap we do to food is a real problem and one we should all be discussing more. But let’s not hijack the discussion of one group’s issues to talk about yours. Also, I don’t know if the commenter meant it this way, but while ED sufferers may say they don’t like a food for a particular reason, that’s often a smokescreen for their real issue – fear. I’ve heard people with EDs use all kinds of excuses not to eat something -GMOs, pesticides, the color purple, if it’s been cooked, if it contains animal products, how much fat/carbs/sugar it has, the hygiene of the handler and even that it doesn’t match the day of the week it’s being served on – but in the end it’s never really about the food. So no, taking out GMOs and pesticides would not cure all eati
Thank you so much for writing so honestly about your struggles! You give voice to subjects that are often taboo. It helps not to feel like the only person who struggles with these thoughts.
I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but looking back over my life there have certainly been points when I’ve been there–or dangerously close. Thank you for writing thoughtfully and honestly about all of this.
PS Whatever you used to black out the posters’ names didn’t really work. I can still read the names through the black smudge.
Wow, one of your statements struck a chord. Now I hope that realizing that can start a change. Not that I have an ED, but a mind set that is harmful. This ‘sounded’ like it was tough to write. I hope it helps those who need it and open the door for others to understand more clearly.
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Great article, as per Jess’s comment some of this has really struck a chord with me. Whilst I haven’t suffered with a diagnosed ED I can really relate to your article and others you have written on this subject. I believe I actually live with disordered eating rather than ED and as such I’ve recently written a post about weight/dieting from a personal point of view but realise after reading this that some of the content of that post could be misconstrued and taken in a different manner than intended; I’ll be making amends to that post a.s.a.p. Thanks for this viewpoint and opinions, really made me think. STP x
This brought up a lot of feelings for me, first about my own struggles with ED and also depression, because really I get the sense that both are treated similarly amongst people (Just stop being sad already! What do you have to be sad about? Children in North Korea have something to be sad about!). Your comments, here and in other posts, in regards to the recovery process and not being fully recovered, bring tears to my eyes because no matter how many battles I fight, the war is not over.
But then on the second read-through all I could think about is that online forums are such an imperfect media for sharing sentiments of personal importance. It is very easy for internet dwellers who happen upon some online post to make callous and insensitive comments. Virtual anonymity will bring out some terrible cruelty in some people. But also, like you said about your FU post, things can be read out of context. It makes for a toxic combination if you are sensitive to the comments of the masses.
The other point I kept getting stuck on, that you brought up, is that everyone has their own brand of crazy. I understand wanting there to be an awareness of mental illness, but given most people’s inability to really relate to things they have never personally experienced (or witnessed their friends or family experience), I guess I’ve given up the expectation for people to be sensitive about these things. It’s not that I feel defeated about that, I think it’s more a peace I feel about the fact that I have my “crazy” aspects that Joe Shmoe will probably never be able to comprehend and I guarantee Joe Shmoe has his own “crazy” that I wouldn’t be able to grasp either. As for the topic on hand of eating disorders, I can see through my parents eyes when they dealt with me in the throes of an ED how absolutely bizarre it can seem to other people and how they just cannot grasp any aspect of it.
I was kind of floored by your comment about people not being sensitive about things they don’t understand. That is so true and while I have always gotten that, I don’t know why I still expect people to understand. That had to be freeing in some way to not be expecting something from people that they just can’t give. Very wise.
First of all, the comments section of an online article is always fraught with insensitive commentary. People feel freed up to say whatever and often says things simply to be incendiary.
I agree with all your points. I had to laugh a bit #3. I have never understood the “you could have it worse” approach to someone’s problem. It is no consolation when you are struggling and when people are really happy about something no one us saying to them “well, you know you could be happier so quit feeling so happy”. I have never got that.
I feel like there is such a negative stigma about ED and mental health issues in general. I don’t even tell doctors that I had an ED because I feel like it prejudices them a bit. Like if I went in there complaining of chest pain they would assume I am abusing laxatives or something. Very few of my friends know I had eating issues and the few that do know are women who also have had ED issues and my roommates in college who saw me firsthand in the throes if the disease.
I also chuckled at the “just eat” thing. That is the first thing my father said to me when my parents found out about my ED issues. As if it were so simple.
My dad’s solution to my ED was that I should weigh myself because if I could see how much weight I had lost I would know I needed to gain weight. Of course he had no idea I was obsessively weighing myself and that a lower number only made me crave an even lower number. For him that was a totally logical, reasonable solution, just like “just eat”.
The average American woman, according to 2010 CDC statistics, is 5’3.75″ and 166 pounds. Models and celebrities and photoshop do not cause eating disorders. If looking at images in the media caused anorexia, we wouldn’t have an adult population in which 66% are overweight, with nearly 33% of that segment qualifying as obese. “Anorexic” should NEVER be used as an adjective to describe someone’s looks or behavior as it is a medical diagnosis that can only be determined by a psychiatrist (not a psychologist; someone with an M.D.). Anorexia is about shame and control and self-punishment, not trying to be the slimmest girl on the beach.
A piece of the root of the problem of insensitivity can be traced back to vaudeville.
Patient: Doc, it hurts when I do “this”!
Doctor: Then don’t do that.
Suddenly amateur comedians everywhere repeated a variation of that joke incessantly for the next hundred or so years.
So much so that they forgot that it was a joke.
Stopping doing “that” …whatever the symptom is…does not make the cause of the affliction go away.
Thus the “just eat a sandwich” school of thought is about as useful as suggesting one should shoot rubber bands at rampaging grizzly bear.
To quote Charlotte: “In fact, the more you talk to people about how they developed their ED, the more you see that it makes a lot of sense how they ended up where they are. It doesn’t mean it was the best choice in the situation but it wasn’t an irrational one.”
I applaud this because I can see the rational. I can see the logic. It doesn’t mean it was the best choice but it does make sense.
And, correct me if I am wrong…as I have thought it through, I am thinking the best place to start, the fundamental foundation, the best thing a person can do for someone with ED is to love them.
I am about to go all Broadway on you again Charlotte. *grins*
“How to handle a woman…
There’s way said the wise old man…
A way known by every woman
Since the whole rigmarole began…
Do I flatter her I begged him answer
Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay [merry] romancer?
Said he smiling…no indeed.
How to handle a woman…
Mark me well I will tell you sir…
The way to handle a woman…
….Is to LOVE her…
Simply LOVE her…
Merely LOVE her…
LOVE her…
LOVE her…
[music]
How to handle a woman…
Mark me well I will tell you sir…
The way to handle a woman…
….Is to LOVE her…
Simply LOVE her…
Merely LOVE her…
LOVE her…
LOVE her…
You may note that threatening, cajoling, pleading, brooding methodology is sometimes used by people dealing with people with ED.
So if one substituted “Person with ED” for “woman” in this song, you sense the applicability.
(Please correct me if I am wrong!)
I’ve come to the realization over the last couple of years that ED recovery, much like alcohol or drug addiction, is just that…. plain and simple, I will always be a recovering EDer. It lurks there, one comment or one “fat & ugly day” away. That realization that what I keep thinking I left behind in my mid-20s, can come back to life – almost insidiously – and I have to do a little ‘self love’ – something that is easier said than done. My inner monologue can be exceptionally cruel and I will say things to me, about me, that I would never think about, let alone say to another person. And I am saying this all in relation to myself…I know we are all unique little snowflakes, but I can imagine that I am not the only one who does this to themselves.
ED sufferers by nature are often people-pleasers, perfectionists and take any criticism very hard. (I know I do.)
SO TRUE!
I don’t have time to add more right now (at work shouln’dt be reading this oops), but that is how it all starts… hence, I fear my sweet daughter is headed the same way I did (she’s not even 4 yet)
I just experimented with Dead Rising 3 on my PC and it felt magnificant. You fellas should also try it!