This has nothing to do with Equinox other than the fact that I think Stewie is totally their target customer.
Because a good workout can make you act so bad. Equinox gyms recently rolled out their new ad campaign. I had two immediate thoughts:
1. This is light years better than that awful porny Terry Richardson creep-a-thon they did previously.
2. This is supposed to sell me on their upscale gym??
The concept centers around hot models (because duh) doing ambiguously naughty things because – and this is the whole point – their Equinox gym made them. #EquinoxMadeMeDoIt #ProvenByHashtag #BetterThanScience
I think the point (besides hot models) is that working out will give you the confidence to finally become that criminal you’ve always dreamed about being. No, wait. The increased confidence will inspire you to take creative risks in your life – like being naked at inappropriate times! No, no. Your newly hot bod will cause you to become overconfident thereby making horrible life mistakes driven by your vanity! Oy. Okay, so according to their official campaign press release, it is that “Lowered inhibitions and playful naughtiness are the side effects of living a more provoked life.” (I want my life to be many things but I’m not sure provoked is one of them.)
Well, whatever. Here is my take on their new ads. Let’s see what they’re really trying to tell us:
1. Equinox made me so hawt I was forced to censor my own holiday card. Hi grandma! Oh and thanks for the perky butt genes – they’re the gift that just keeps on giving! (Seriously though, don’t these people know that when you play grown-up Truth or Dare, you can just take the Truth and lie like everyone else??)
2. Equinox made me pick a fight I probably lost. Either that or he fell asleep with his guyliner on and smeared his makeup by sleeping on his hand, just like I never (always) do. Either way, I could see this happening. When I was taking all my Krav Maga classes at LifeTime (also known as the gym that’s too swanky for me to afford but not as swanky as Equinox, giving me a sandwiched inferiority complex), I did see more than one instance of serious bodily harm. So maybe this is just his ode to the Israeli Defense Forces?
3. Equinox made me join the Navy Seals at their civvie skivvies recruitment party. My money’s on the pirate on the right side because he’s the only one with enough sense to keep his shoes on. But putting Charlie Sheen’s head on Hugh Jackman’s body was a nice try, dude in the middle.
4. Equinox made me wear a swimsuit in which there is no possible way to sit without herniating my bellybutton. Also, I’m waiting for the Central Casting cops to turn into strippers. #RealCopsWearSocks
5. Equinox made me reenact an illegal border crossing because I’m not white. But just so you know he was born and raised in Akron, Ohio, thankyouverymuch.
6. Equinox stole my kidney. Or, if you prefer, Equinox made me take an ice bath which shocked all the body hair right off me. Either way now I’m all squicked out.
7. Equinox made me make a series of impulsive, really bad decisions which will someday be turned into a movie called The Devil Wears Nada. Seriously though, this is exactly what I think about every time I use the rowing machine at the gym. Which is why I never use it – if only life were this exciting.
8. Equinox made me split my designer pants and not from laughing hard. Let this be a lesson to you all: white collar crime is a workout in its own right. As is Fabio hair.
9. Equinox made me get cataracts. No, seriously, what is this a picture of?? I’ve been staring at it for like 20 minutes and all I can come up with is I think there’s an armpit in there somewhere. And maybe a trash bag.
10. Equinox made me pretend to reverse Heimlich a poor woman just trying to enjoy her cosplay/yoga class in her 5th Element costume. Because this is not fitness, it’s life – if life is a dystopian Russian Sci-Fi novel.
This last one hasn’t got anything to do with Equinox except that it showed up in Google image search when I typed in “Equinox made me do it.” I have no idea why but whatever this is is way more motivating for me at the gym than a whole passel of hot models. Give me the power of the Epcot center any day!! I love DeviantArt so hard.
So, have I convinced you to drop whatever lousy gym you’re slumming it at now and hightail it over to Equinox? If you hurry you can make their wet-t-shirt gym tour! But seriously, shouldn’t the Navy have a civvie skivvies party?