I love that Pregnant Barbie’s stomach is really just the top to a Silly Putty egg. And hey, she’s already prepared for birth with her mesh panties!
This week I wrote a lot about how to prepare for pregnancy for Shape mag’s site. I got to talk to a bunch of experts about lady business, one of my fave subjects and even learned a few things which would come in handy if I was going to get pregnant again which, knock on wood, will not be happening again. (Just for the record, we’re way smarter about birth control than just knocking on wood.) So if you want solid advice from vetted experts and stuff go read my article over there. But if you want the advice for prepping your body for pregnancy that no one will tell you, well that’s why I’m here.
Charlotte’s 13 totally random, not fact-checked, hopefully hilarious tips to prepare for pregnancy and children:
– Start carrying a water bottle so that when your breast milk unexpectedly lets down you can splash your whole chest with water and pretend you just finished a really great workout and are not, in fact, turning into a human geyser.
- Make up arbitrary rules that should never have to be said such as “No pooping in waste baskets” and “No untying strangers’ shoes while they stand in line at the grocery store.” Don’t even pause to think how ridiculous you sound.
- Practice crying at the drop of hat, especially in inappropriate places and times like during your annual Super Bowl party. “Did you see how they tackled that poor boy? Don’t they know that he is some woman’s BABY??”
- Ask your friends invasive questions in public. “Did you really brush your teeth? Really?? Let me smell your breath!” Ask them about their underwear next.
- Start speaking in the Royal We, especially when saying something insane like “We do not eat toilet paper!” or “We just love creamed spinach mixed with rice and bananas, don’t we!”
- Try reading cues from your coworkers faces about what’s going on inside them. “Say, Bob, you’re frowning – is that your pooping face?” “Jill, your eyes have ‘that look’ – where’s the rectal thermometer and does your tummy hurt?” No matter how tempted you are, do NOT let them use actual words to tell you. Whining is fine.
- Sleep only in 1-hour increments. Have your partner wake you up by sticking their face half an inch away from yours and breathing heavily. Alternate with crying loudly in your ear or vomiting on you.
- Eat only things you can pick up with one hand, don’t require heating or preparation and already have a bite out of them. Bonus points for eating anything pre-chewed.
- Carry at least three bags at all times. It doesn’t really matter what you fill them with as you will inevitably have forgotten the one thing you need but at least the weight will counterbalance the heavy carseat you will always be toting on the other arm. Never switch sides.
- Practice calling loved ones by anything but their given names. Bonus points if you can involve both food and a bodily function: How’s my little drooling dumpling doing?
- Every time you file your nails, file your nipples too.
- Pick up everything with your toes.
- Watch all your loved ones sleep. Stick your finger under their nose to make sure they’re still breathing. Don’t worry – it’s not creepy because you love them! (If they wake up just yell “Team Edward!” and run out of the room.)
Bonus: Call your mom and tell her thank you. Better yet, make her a card with your hand print on it and the date written underneath. You’re never too old for finger paint.
For those of you who have kids, what would you add to my list? Those of you without kids, have I convinced you yet how wonderfully insane parenting is?