13 (hilarious but useful) Tips No One Will Tell You About Prepping For Pregnancy [Plus some legit ones too! Experts and everything.]

by Charlotte on January 31, 2014 · 29 comments

pregbarbie

 I love that Pregnant Barbie’s stomach is really just the top to a Silly Putty egg. And hey, she’s already prepared for birth with her mesh panties!

This week I wrote a lot about how to prepare for pregnancy for Shape mag’s site. I got to talk to a bunch of experts about lady business, one of my fave subjects and even learned a few things which would come in handy if I was going to get pregnant again which, knock on wood, will not be happening again. (Just for the record, we’re way smarter about birth control than just knocking on wood.) So if you want solid advice from vetted experts and stuff go read my article over there. But if you want the advice for prepping your body for pregnancy that no one will tell you, well that’s why I’m here.

Charlotte’s 13 totally random, not fact-checked, hopefully hilarious tips to prepare for pregnancy and children:

- Start carrying a water bottle so that when your breast milk unexpectedly lets down you can splash your whole chest with water and pretend you just finished a really great workout and are not, in fact, turning into a human geyser.

- Make up arbitrary rules that should never have to be said such as “No pooping in waste baskets” and “No untying strangers’ shoes while they stand in line at the grocery store.” Don’t even pause to think how ridiculous you sound.
- Practice crying at the drop of hat, especially in inappropriate places and times like during your annual Super Bowl party. “Did you see how they tackled that poor boy? Don’t they know that he is some woman’s BABY??”
- Ask your friends invasive questions in public. “Did you really brush your teeth? Really?? Let me smell your breath!” Ask them about their underwear next.
- Start speaking in the Royal We, especially when saying something insane like “We do not eat toilet paper!” or “We just love creamed spinach mixed with rice and bananas, don’t we!”
- Try reading cues from your coworkers faces about what’s going on inside them. “Say, Bob, you’re frowning – is that your pooping face?” “Jill, your eyes have ‘that look’ – where’s the rectal thermometer and does your tummy hurt?” No matter how tempted you are, do NOT let them use actual words to tell you. Whining is fine.
- Sleep only in 1-hour increments. Have your partner wake you up by sticking their face half an inch away from yours and breathing heavily. Alternate with crying loudly in your ear or vomiting on you.
- Eat only things you can pick up with one hand, don’t require heating or preparation and already have a bite out of them. Bonus points for eating anything pre-chewed.
- Carry at least three bags at all times. It doesn’t really matter what you fill them with as you will inevitably have forgotten the one thing you need but at least the weight will counterbalance the heavy carseat you will always be toting on the other arm. Never switch sides.
- Practice calling loved ones by anything but their given names. Bonus points if you can involve both food and a bodily function: How’s my little drooling dumpling doing?
- Every time you file your nails, file your nipples too.
- Pick up everything with your toes.
- Watch all your loved ones sleep. Stick your finger under their nose to make sure they’re still breathing. Don’t worry – it’s not creepy because you love them! (If they wake up just yell “Team Edward!” and run out of the room.)
Bonus: Call your mom and tell her thank you. Better yet, make her a card with your hand print on it and the date written underneath. You’re never too old for finger paint.
For those of you who have kids, what would you add to my list? Those of you without kids, have I convinced you yet how wonderfully insane parenting is?
dignity

 

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Megan @ Meg Go Run January 31, 2014 at 12:55 am

Haha I am convinced daily via stories from my friends that parenting is CRAZY and that it is sooooooooo not for me! The older I get, the more I appreciate my parents raising me and my two brothers!

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Shari January 31, 2014 at 1:15 am

Practice yelling random things while having otherwise normal conversations with everyone: “stop licking the dog!”, “don’t eat that! It’s covered in hair!”, “stop hanging your sister upside-down!”, “if I hear one more sound in there, so help me…”

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 9:47 am

These would make interesting song titles…

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 3:06 am

- practice reading everything out-loud and in a variety of cartoon voices

- walk barefoot over random objects so your feet can become conditioned

- spontaneously begin to juggle with random fruit in the produce aisle because someone might be feeling a little tired or grumpy

- always remember that push-ups with just YOUR body weight and no one yelling “whee!” are unproductive

- accept the fact that your education is incomplete until you can answer the “why” of everything

- learn to identify individuals by their the weight of their footsteps and correctly calculate destinations and possible motivations by their gait

- learn to do the above while on the telephone, typing, watching TV, or in a deep sleep

- remember that everything positioned below the three foot line is fair game for dismantling, climbing, chewing, tasting or throwing so explore these areas in every home you enter

- memorize every Disney song for spontaneous command performance in any venue

- “Counting heads is inadequate, full facial recognition is required” needs to become your mantra in preparation for all loading and unloading situations

- remember all of the ways you have lost sleep for STUPID reasons, as it helps you to be excited about the good reasons

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Heather C January 31, 2014 at 8:38 am

Lol! Love your list too and with 4 boys in my house I can’t tell you how true # 2 on your list is. I always tell people we don’t need a home security system because anyone who breaks in will likely immediately break their ankle stepping on a Lego or matchbox car.

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 9:22 am

*laughs*

EXACTLY!

Its the same principle as the police using a spike belt to stop fleeing felons!

The cop who invented that HAD to have gotten the idea from his kids!

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Joemama January 31, 2014 at 8:27 pm

And your boys will Take. Them. Out. with their light sabers if they got past the legos and matchboxes, amiright? That’s only if they don’t stick to the floor or door jams or get gassed out. Three boys over here. This is a great continuation of Charlotte’s list, Darwin.

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 10:39 pm

Many thanks, dear lady!

My random musings at 3 am are sometimes coherent.
(I might put that on my dating profile…were I not, you know…terrified of the concept.)

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JLVerde January 31, 2014 at 6:40 am

I don’t have kids (thank the deity of your choice) but I can add (or expand upon) one of your items.

“- Practice calling loved ones by anything but their given names”

This includes calling them by the WRONG name or the pets’ name.

My mother was bad for that. She only had two kids so when she got yelling sometimes the dog’s name would get into the rotation. One time she was yelling at the dog and called her my name. I replied, “I’m allowed on the couch.”

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 10:51 pm

But the important thing is: did the dog ever take the rap not doing the homework?

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Heather C January 31, 2014 at 8:43 am

All totally true and a good representation of the sometimes absurd aspects of parenting. All I would add would be to practice expressing your anger while driving or in other situations in the dumbest sounding ways. “You cut me off you silly head”. Now that my twins are two and becoming parrots, no more dropping the f bomb while driving. I have been burned in the past when one of my oldest’s first words was “shit”. My husband never swears so there was no pinning that on him. I make myself feel better by cursing in German figuring that if my children bust out a German swear word no one will be the wiser.

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Joemama January 31, 2014 at 8:30 pm

Bwahaha! I feel ya, dear. Blimey, Crikey, bugger, git.. these have all served me well in the US. Heaven help us should we ever visit the UK…

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Janet February 1, 2014 at 7:47 am

You’d be safe in the UK with crikey, it’s very innocent (to the point where nobody really says it unless it’s ironically). Still avoid bugger though!

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AlexandraFunFit January 31, 2014 at 9:12 am

Mark every toy, snack, and article of clothing with initials of the owner. It cuts down on arguments.

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amanda January 31, 2014 at 9:58 am

Team Edward LOL!!!!!! Don’t forget having someone follow you around ALL DAY saying mom mom mom mom until your head feels like exploding.

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Robyn January 31, 2014 at 10:01 am

Actually, I think “knocking on wood” would be a perfectly reliable form of birth control. Oh, wait. That wasn’t a euphemism? Carry on.

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crabby mcslacker January 31, 2014 at 10:20 am

These are hilarious!

I think parents are amazing. And crazy. Cramazing? I never coulda kept my sanity. Kudos to you all!

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Joemama January 31, 2014 at 9:57 pm

Sanity? What’s that? :D

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 10:40 pm

Oh!

He lives in the North Pole?

Last name Claus?

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Azusmom January 31, 2014 at 11:18 am

The things that come out of my mouth now that I’m a mom…
And the things I’ve seen (naked rollerskating in an empty bathtub, anyone?)
There have been a number of occasions on which I wished I were a drinker.
But for the most part, it’s pretty great. :)

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 10:46 pm

Naked is generally a bathtub requirement…

…and…

…the bathtub kinda sorta resembles a half-pipe at a skate park?

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Azusmom February 1, 2014 at 11:08 am

Hadn’t thought of the half-pipe thing…
And he wasn’t actually having a bath at the time. He just liked being naked. :) We also had naked tap dancing, naked “wock cwimbing” (on the outside of the banister), naked escaping through the window to play in the sprinklers…

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Darwin February 1, 2014 at 11:13 am

Your son’s name doesn’t happen to be…CALVIN? Is it?

Carries a stuffed tiger named HOBBES? That he talks to a lot?

*laugh* Those cartoons, if I am not mistaken, have not had new ones in a while.

You could make big bucks following your boy around and writing this stuff down!

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Azusmom February 1, 2014 at 11:20 am

:) :) :)
I’ve often wondered if maybe I read too much “Calvin & Hobbes” while I was pregnant!

Joemama January 31, 2014 at 8:43 pm

Practice holding a 16 lb. sack of potatoes clipped to your booby with a clothespin while doing everyday stuff: making mac n chz, answering the phone, wiping your middle ones’ behind and/or nose, fixing video games, making pancakes (seriously!) folding laundry, etc.
Lock yourself in the bathroom while your spouse bangs on the door repeatedly while yelling mommy.
Pick up one corner of your room, turn around, allow your friend or spouse to com-plete-ly destroy what you just did.
Work your fingers to the bone on zero sleep for ingrates and decide your life is the worst, only to have it completely validated when one of them smiles and says “I love you, mommy”.
It’s a pretty crazy ride, isn’t it? One I’m glad I’m on.

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Darwin January 31, 2014 at 10:44 pm

Love the list!
Especially the concluding assessment.

Kudos!

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sara-hare January 31, 2014 at 9:03 pm

Lost his dignity… love it. :) No children here, but some friends I know are expecting triplets. So, everything above, times three.

Speaking of multiple siblings in a womb at once, I saw this study and thought you’d like it, Charlotte: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/twin-brothers-act-guinea-pigs-sugar-v-fat-190600102.html
Once again, proving everything in moderation (except maybe babies) always wins.

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Darwin February 1, 2014 at 11:40 am

A quick note to Azusmom up there:

Nope. You can NEVER read too much CALVIN and HOBBES. *grins*

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kidzrfit.co.uk February 13, 2014 at 4:19 am

Searching for a fun way to help kids stay fit with a variety of fun and exciting children’s health & fitness classes

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