Which is why you should just strive to be unhappy. There’s a reason “shooting the moon” is a winning hand. Duh. More wise (ahem) words from Lululemon below.
Dear Chip Wilson,
Can I call you Chipper? ‘Cause I really want to. It sounds so cute – reminds me of Chipmunks. And wood chippers. But not necessarily together because that would be as gross as that sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. You remember that sculpture, Chipper? I mean, who could forget that? Some things you just can’t unsee. Anyhow, that was a few years ago – about the same time as I bought my first pair of Lululemon yoga pants. Which is cool since you’re the co-founder of that company and all.
I should probably admit first that I bought the pants second-hand in a thrift store because I can’t afford $90 lounge pants, even if they do make my butt look amazing (which they actually don’t, more on that later). And so I paid less attention to the logo and hence your company than I probably should have. Which, really, Chipper, was my mistake. Because you guys have the awesomest – may I add wackiest? – start-up story I’ve ever heard:
“Breast cancer also came into prominence in the 1990’s. I suggest this was due to the number of cigarette-smoking Power Women who were on the pill (initial concentrations of hormones in the pill were very high) and taking on the stress previously left to men in the working world. Ultimately, Lululemon was formed because female education levels, breast cancer, yoga/athletics and the desire to dress feminine came together all at one time.”
Aw, you just cared about all the lady breasts in the world! And not just in the pervy way – although many of your “tops” are quite skimpy and there was that whole see-through pants debacle earlier this year – but also in the breast-cancer way! You found the ideal confluence of marketing and mansplaining! I’m not quite sure where you were going with that stuff about The Pill (although you do say in that same interview that it lead to more divorces so maybe divorced women need yoga? But only the hot childless ones because I’ve yet to find a yoga center with on-site childcare. Yoga gurus love happy baby pose but not necessarily actual happy babies.) Anyhow, I digress! Back to you and your awesome!
Because apparently Pill Popping Rich Lady Cancer Wear wasn’t a smooth enough name for the company (or maybe it was already taken?), you decided on the “Lululemon” moniker because it “has 3 L’s [sic] in it”. I agree, Ls (no apostrophe needed, unless your Ls are as possessive as Edward Cullen) are awesome! I love them because, well, my sister’s name starts with L! (Hi, Laura!) As does my cat’s! (Hi, Luna!) And of course there’s Lickable Wallpaper (Hi, Willy Wonka!). But apparently you love Ls for a different reason:
“It was thought that a Japanese marketing firm would not try to create a North American sounding brand with the letter “L” because the sound does not exist in Japanese phonetics. By including an “L” in the name it was thought the Japanese consumer would find the name innately North American and authentic. In essence, the name “lululemon” has no roots and means nothing other than it has 3 “L’s” in it. Nothing more and nothing less.”
Oh, and I especially liked when you added, “It’s funny to watch them [Japanese people] try and say it,”
So apparently Lululemon translates in douche-speak to “misogynistic xenophobe”? (Not to be confused with “Xenu-phobe” although feel free to take on Scientology in your next open letter. That could go so many good ways!) And speaking of people you’d like to dis-invite to the yoga party, you made waves earlier for not only not offering your stretchy garments made unapologetically by child laborers in sweat shops to all the fabulous plus-size ladies but for also making it corporate policy to treat them like crap if they did chance to wander in your store. Did you not know “Power Women” come in all shapes and sizes and, ahem, income brackets?
But really, that’s all old news Chipper! I’m writing today to thank you for your recent whack-a-doodle comments about complaints about pilling in Lulu pants:
“There’s always been pilling. Women will wear a seat belt that doesn’t work. Or a purse that doesn’t work, and quite frankly, some women’s bodies just don’t work for [our pants]. It’s really about the rubbing of the thighs, how much pressure is there over a period of time, how much they use it.” [Emphasis mine.]
Well that explains why my Lulu pants have so much pilling that I will only use them as jammies now! (They’re so sad looking that I’d just get rid of them except, well, they’re Lulu.) It’s because I’ve been WEARING MY SEATBELT and carrying my purse! My bad. That wasn’t specified on the care instructions that came on that extra-long tag on the inside that I ripped out but then wished I hadn’t because now I can’t tell the back from the front save for the odd placement of the shiny logo. And everyone cares if my PJ pants are on backwards. Everyone being me.
See, this whole time I’ve thought it was because the pants were just old and the fabric was this strange nubby gumby material. But apparently it’s been ME that’s the problem! Specifically my thighs that rub together with the glory of a thousand burning suns. Stupid body! Stop ruining my clothes! When will I ever learn it’s my job to fit the clothes and not the other way around?! And if I’m reading you right, you’re also saying that your dainty Luon can’t withstand the gentle caress of a seat belt or purse? But I suppose removing my life-saving safety harness is worth it to make sure my power top stays all smooth – I’ll just drive extra careful to yoga! And carry my keys, cash, phone and ID card in my bra*, like God intended!
So, thank you, Chip Wilson. Thank you for this – for finally making me pay enough attention to all the garbage going on at Lululemon to stop buying your clothing! True story: I used to envy the Lulu Ladies at my gym. (It was the pace-setter skirt, heaven help me I wanted one. In every color.) But now I’m finally free of that! I am also going to finally get rid of my second-hand yoga-turned-pajama pants with NO guilt. Because you know what? They never did make my butt look great. Not even good. And I suppose you’ll say that’s my butt’s fault for not being perky and perfect. But I say it’s your fault.
Hugs and (Crotch) Kicks!
What do you guys think of Lulu’s “explanation” for why their pants pill? I mean, on one hand I understand that friction is going to wear the fabric down – and heaven knows I’ve got so much thigh friction I could start a business in match-less signalling fires – but wouldn’t that mean that a company invested in women’s comfort (and also charging $$$) would figure out how to make a reinforced crotch? Or something? Am I getting too upset about this?
*Totally not knocking my sisters that can rock their cleavage like a kitty-carry-all! I wish I could! Unfortunately with my small ta-tas anything stuck down my bra looks like a third nipple. Or a key-shaped tumor. Remember when car keys were small enough to tie to your shoelace during a run?? My minivan electric key and fancy key fob are big enough to boost me to a full c-cup! Maybe I should try it after all…