Weight lifting builds bone density. Weight lifting increases strength and power. Weight lifting burns fat all day long. Weight lifting makes you look tougher than Chuck Norris at Comic Con. Oh sure, everyone always talks about the benefits of strength training but there is a dark side no one ever talks about. No, literally, a dark side. Namely, in my pits. Because I have very dark hair and very light skin, see. For those of you not similarly cursed (it’s not a bug, it’s a feature?), let me explain:
This is me in the shower after my workout. You will notice I am wearing a bathing suit for modesty. I do not wear a bathing suit in the shower at home but if I’ve learned anything from Ashton Kutcher it’s that I can’t have nudie pics of me floating around on the Internet or I’ll never get to inherit Demi Moore’s creepy doll collection, right? But my shower curtain really is transparent. Anyhow, here I am showering blissfully, trying to wash off all the germs from the gym. Well as blissfully as one can with a) the door ALWAYS open (Children have a strong aversion to shut doors – they assume candy is being consumed. They may not be wrong.) and b) a peanut gallery. Jelly Bean is obsessed with bathing and so she must stand and s-t-a-r-e at me the whole time I shower. Eh, you get used to it.
Jelly Bean is also obsessed with toileting. She sees the water streaming down my legs and assumes I have wet myself. Again, she may not be wrong. Notice that I have no hair. My hair is so fine that anytime it gets wet it pastes itself to my skull and I look exactly like Ralph Nader.
And Jelly Bean is also obsessed with soap (two-year-olds* are obsessed with being obsessed). I have to hide all the soap from her or she’ll “wash haaaans” until it’s all gone. Now she thinks I’m peeing bubbles which would be a neat trick if I could pull it off.
She calls herself “Nay Nay” which I find utterly adorable… until I realize that she has taken her diaper off and made “pee bubbles” on the floor. Sigh. But I can’t get out and clean it up because I still have to shave all the real estate between my chin and my toes. (Aw heck sometimes I shave my toes too). I tell her to look away. Me shaving my pits is not a pretty site. First, this is what a normal person’s armpit looks like:
And this is what my CrossFit honed, P90X toned, Bodyrock zoned pits look like:
I might as well be trying to clear the Rocky Mountain national forest with a push mower.
No matter how I contort my arm and tug on my armpit skin, this is what inevitably happens:
The razor does some damage but still leaves me with Yellowstone 10 years after the fire. And always at least one realllly long rogue hair that defies any cutting method. Sometimes there’s blood. Eventually I call it good enough and give up. At this point I have two options: embrace my body for the hirsute loveliness it is or wear a smoking jacket to the gym.
You can guess which one I go with. I’m pretty sure all my fellow gym-goers are making a fund for my laser hair removal as we speak. (Note: any company that wants to give me free laser hair removal – I will blog the everloving heck out it! I’ll even draw really ugly pictures of you!!) And because I know you’re curious – here’s the unedited real deal:
You see what I’m up against?! Anyone else find an unexpected downside of their exercise routine? Any pit-shaving tricks to share with me??
*Note: I just finished an agonizing 3 hours with Son #2 helping him edit his “author study” paper for 4th grade. It quickly devolved into tears and hysterics (him) and head banging (me). He actually said, “You CAN’T help me! You don’t know this stuff! You write, like, stories. This is FOR THE REAL WORLD MOM.” Because I told him he needs to capitalize book titles. (Dear Dad I am so so sorry for not appreciating you enough when you were doing this with me as a kid. Also thanks for not killing me.) The report is done – and I resisted the temptation to rip the keyboard out of his little hands and just write the darn thing myself – but he literally sucked all the writing juice right out of me. I barely have a will to live right now much less write something productive. So this post is a repeat. But I still need your advice because sadly this is exactly as true as it was 2 years ago! Except now I also have a random chin hair to add to the weird-o mix. Help me!