Swimming With My Boots On [A redaction, an explanation and an apology]

I’m a mess. I don’t know how else to explain this. I have no way to make it funny or probably even interesting. I’ve been teetering on the brink of the abyss ever since we moved. Scratch that, ever since I knew it was a possibility we were moving. Don’t get me wrong, the move was the right choice to make for my husband’s career and consequently for our family and I don’t want to sound ungrateful but there is a reason that moving is considered the third most traumatic life event after death of a loved one and divorce.  And while I’ve moved a ton in my lifetime, for whatever reason, this time has been the hardest. It just has.

But while the move was the life event that unmoored me – both physically and emotionally – it was the anniversary of my friend Steve’s death that was the catalyst for the actual breakdown. While I am very very sad he died (as is everyone who knew him), I kind of made it the focal point for all my issues right now. Rather than deal with all the things I don’t want to think about, I put all my pain and frustration into this one event; I’ve been needing a big, gut-wrenching, ugly cry and this anniversary finally gave me a reason to do it.

However, I’m not happy with what I wrote about him on Monday. While it was all true and how I felt, it didn’t need to be blarggggged all over the Internet like that. I will delete most of that post (all the parts about me) and just leave the happy bits about Steve to stand. I don’t normally do that – gotta own my mistakes – but this time my mistake affects so many more people than me and I feel it’s not fair to let my emotional breakdown rain on them.

Here’s the thing I’ve not wanted to admit out loud: Since Steve died, my career has kind of died. This is really hard for me to write. It wasn’t Steve’s death per se – although he was an invaluable resource and connected me with a lot of great fitness people so his loss was immense professionally as well as personally – but more the timing of everything. My second book which was due out last year got swallowed up when my publisher went out of business during the recession. Since they had already paid me for the manuscript they owned the rights and while I’m sure I could go to court and get the rights to it back, that takes time and money I just don’t have. Plus, the book was kind of time sensitive. It wouldn’t make much sense to print it now. And that was a huge loss to me. I put a lot of time and work and heart into that book and to have that all… gone. It’s just. I don’t know. Gah.

And then there’s my magazine work. I’ve stagnated. Sometimes I feel like a sell out. But because I need it to pay the bills I keep doing it. That year when Steve and I were working together I felt like I was doing some of the most exciting work I’ve ever done and I felt like things were going nowhere but up. If you’d asked me a year and a half ago where I thought I’d be right now, I’d have given you some great, grand answers. But instead, I’ve backslid. Part of it was necessary for my health, I couldn’t keep going at that pace, but part of it is just me sucking. And that hurts.

Plus, and I didn’t even realize this until my sister pointed it out, but I’m having kind of an identity crisis. My baby is three now. She started preschool this year. Since we are done having kids, this means I’m officially out of the young motherhood years. While this is really liberating in some respects – no carseats! no diapers! no squirting breastmilk on random strangers on accident! – it’s also really sad. I’ve spent a decade and a half trying to have babies, birthing babies, burying babies and raising babies. But now? I always thought that when my kids were a bit older it would give me more freedom to get back to my career. Except I don’t really have one right now. (See above.) Which brings me to the other half of my identity – I’ve always been the fitness girl or The Great Fitness Experiment or whatever and, as you’ve all seen over the past few months, that’s all coming apart. So who am I now? I guess I’m just Charlotte but I’ve never, ever in my life been comfortable with that girl.

So I took all that garbage, plus some other stuff, wrapped it up in a ball of crazy and threw it at Steve. I tried to get meaning out of it that was probably never there. All that stuff I wrote Monday wasn’t about Steve. It was about me and my issues and what I’m struggling with right now. And that was a mistake. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to do it but when people get hurt, intent doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m blessed in that Steve’s wife Ashley and his friends have handled all of it with their characteristic grace and kindness. I don’t deserve it but I’m grateful for it. And I hope that they all (and you all) will accept my sincerest apologies. It’s been a year of big changes for me and while it’s not an excuse, I hope you’ll accept it as an explanation. I also know that everyone goes through times of change and I’m hoping you’ll forgive me for handling mine with less aplomb than others.

But this thing that makes life so hard – the fact that it’s always changing – is the thing that will ultimately be my salvation. I know that I will not always be where I am now. No matter how hard it all feels right now, it will change. It will get better. It will get easier. I will not be a mess forever! (I’m saying this to reassure myself as much as anyone else.) I really don’t want to sound ungrateful for my life. I know I am so so blessed. But that is one of the worst parts of depression – knowing how good you have it and how ridiculous you sound being sad about it and yet still feeling all the feelings.  I am grateful for what I have. I am also sad for what I’ve lost. Both feelings can live in me at the same time.

In the meantime, I don’t want you guys to worry about me. That’s not why I’m posting this. I’m not in a crazy doom spiral. I want you to know I’m well supported in real life by friends and family and I’m still on my meds and all that good stuff. Since I feel like this is largely situational – and the only cure for that is time – I’m going to just try to focus on the basics of self-care for now:

– Getting 8 hours of sleep every night

– Eating whole, healthy foods and trying my best to keep sugar out of my diet (as much as I love it, it really does mess with my head)

– Praying and meditating

– Walking outdoors every day to get as much natural light as I can, knowing that winter dark is hard for me.

– Keeping my schedule simple

– Writing in my gratitude journal. Every day. No matter what.

I’ll figure it out. Or maybe I won’t. But either way the world keeps turning. I may be swimming with my boots on but at least I’m still swimming.

If you have any other self-care basics to add to my list, I’d love to hear what has worked for you during times of big change! And if you are of the praying or sending-good-vibes sort, I’ll take any positive energy you want to send my way. Again, please accept my apologies. Thanks for your understanding while I work through all this stuff.

68 Comments

  1. Charlotte, I still want to read your book! I enjoyed your first one. Any hope it could still see the light of print?

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Get well soon.

  2. Jessica Fletcher-Fierro

    I wanted to say that your blog is still the first one I pull up each day, fitness experiments or not. In fact, I was reading the archives the other day because I couldn’t get enough. (Like a creepy stalker).

    Sorry you are having a hard time. Something I do when I start to think crazy-town, shame spirally things (not that you are, but negative thoughts in general might apply) is say to myself, “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts” over and over. It’s from Eat, Pray, Love and I do find that it helps some.

    Also, super bummed about your book! And how disappointing for you!!! I hope there’s a way to get it back. Are you even allowed to say what it’s about? I’m so curious especially with the time-sensitivity thing.

    Love to you.

  3. I would have loved to read your other book, but I know that you can write others. Or you can find a new career that complements what you have been doing. Public health. Health education. Intervening to help others live healthier lives. Working with adolescents with eating disorders. There’s so much good that you can do. It’s only natural to feel overwhelmed at the possibilities. Just pick something that might be fun and do it and see what you think. Great Career Experiment?

  4. I didn’t read the post on Monday, but I bet that you are beating yourself up way more than anyone else would. The joys of being a HSP! It is interesting that you posted this today because as I’ve mentioned to you, we may be facing a huge move that I don’t want. I don’t see it as being good for anyone but my husband. It seems like a big black hole. This morning I was thinking about you and about how you seemed to be doing pretty good with the move…that it is/was/has been hard, but you are doing your best to be happy about it. This post today doesn’t discourage me, it actually makes me feel less like a total jerk simply because I think you are the furthest thing from a jerk. I hope that you can forgive yourself. I hope that this change gets easier for you soon!
    Affectionaltely,
    Lisa

  5. Charlotte… When one is grieving, sometimes it totally makes sense to ball everything up onto one particular point. It helps to lump it sometimes… Just to not go off the deep end, you know? Grieving is not logical nor methodical. No apology needed here… I read your post and just saw a dear friend hurting. Hugs and prayers for you and yours. Love you.

  6. “Just Charlotte” is my favorite Charlotte. You are you, no matter what you’re doing at the moment.

    For me, getting through hard times, I just have to do one thing at a time. I’m a list person, so I make a list and go from there. One thing at a time until it doesn’t seem so hard and I don’t have to make myself go on to the next item on my list.

  7. We all have times like this, identity crises, projecting issues onto something else, eating away our feelings (that one is mine) and we become a mess. I’ve been a mess myself the last couple of weeks. This morning I was just thinking “Why does it still surprise me when the same demons resurface over and over again?” I don’t know why, but it still shocks me. Every time.

    Someday I’ll be a grown up and learn how to deal with it, but that probably won’t be today.

  8. “I guess I’m just Charlotte but I’ve never, ever in my life been comfortable with that girl.”

    Seems like you’re in about the right place to become so, doesn’t it?

  9. Big hugs. I’m going through a period of transition myself (breakup, house sell, move) and landed back in therapy as a result. I felt lightyears better after even just one session. Kind of funny: I started tearing up within seconds of walking in the room with the therapist and he asked, “Are you allergic to something in here?” I was like, “Nope, this is just emotion and vulnerability, all over my face.” Can you give yourself an hour a week to go talk to someone to help sort through what is a totally normal reaction to the experiences you’ve had so far?

  10. I have no pearls of wisdom for you because you’ve probably already tried all the meditation and yoga there is. I can only send hope and well wishes to you, and let you know how glad I am every time I see your pics & posts pop up.

  11. As far as self care, I like focus on success without qualifiers. Stay away from the “but”s and “only”s. (You know what I mean…”I cleaned the kitchen, but didn’t get any laundry done.” “I only walked for 20 minutes today.” )
    I love you, Charlotte. You’re not “just” anything. Sending you huge hugs!

  12. “Since we are done having kids, this means I’m officially out of the young motherhood years.”

    *Face palm*
    Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte: No, you are NOT. You have four kids under 10 who are still an extensive drain on your time, mental energy and physical energy. Cut yourself some slack, woman, that’s an order.

  13. Hi Charlotte,
    I just have to say that I think you are too hard on yourself. I know I am similar and I feel so abysmally awful when I feel like I have messed up and heart someone. But you have to give yourself permission to be human- not perfect. We can own up, sincerely apologize, and do our best to make things right but without chucking our self worth in the garbage. You have a beautiful soul! And even though things may be looking down right now you do have an amazing talent for writing and a very beautiful vulnerability in your willingness to share.

  14. My only comment that you didn’t mention is to remind yourself every single day that you are an amazing person. You inspire so many of us every day, you have no idea. I believe in you more than you know and you are right. ..YOU WILL bee ok. Please do not ever apologize for being you. Xoxo

  15. Oh, my dear Charlotte,

    First and foremost, know that I am sending good vibes your way, as are many of the people who read your blog. What I took away from your post yesterday was your grief over the loss of your friend. I think what we don’t realize is that grief is never just grief. It’s loss, for sure, and pain. But it’s also confusion, guilt, anger, depression and the never answerable question of why? It also leaves the deceased locked into our minds in an unchanging way and when something comes along that doesn’t fit our perception, the impact can make us feel like the earth is shifting under our feet. And that feeling, if we are already in a rocky space, can magnify everything. And then we sometimes react without taking a breath or a beat and what comes out is all of the swirling emotion that we’ve been living with under our skins.

    My biggest self-care tactic is to remind myself that what is happening right now is part of my path through my life and that if I just keep strolling forward, I will move through what feels to me like a wasteland and soon I will be back among the roses. We have to walk our paths and we all do it our own ways. My path is dotted with benches so that I can take a moment and look for the good/beautiful/what is right in my world when all else seems to be tough.I hope you remember that it’s okay to feel what you feel because that’s where you are right now and you won’t be there forever. Just keep strolling on your path and all will be well.

  16. I love your courage to be honest. I wish I had it in me 🙂 SUPER happy to be your friend and learn from your example.

  17. Charlotte: I’m sorry you’re hurting. I had a sudden shock last week. My husband told me he was no longer in love with me and had “feelings” for a woman he works with. I am reeling between shock, sadness, fear for the future, anger, sarcasm, and numbness. Your tips are good ones and I’m going to start making sure I do them too. Thanks as always for your openness.

    • My heart goes out to you as I read your comment. I had the exact same thing happen to me and I should be divorced by Thanksgiving. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but things will get better. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. A really good blog is “The Happy Hausfrau” it has been a great resource for me during this difficult time.

  18. I appreciated the honesty in your post Monday. Although it made me cry – what was that perimenopause book you mentioned?- it helped me evaluate my life, friends, and why I am in certain situations.
    I know what you mean by moving being a traumatic event. Finding awesome friends that I could easily bond with really helped in my last few. Even if that took a while. My current coping mechanism is finding and recognizing the things that REALLY make me happy. Even if they are simple like a certain color, smell, sight, etc. I used to underplay those things, but now I depend on them to help me through.

  19. Sad face. Your blog is my fav. I also totally understand. As someone who both suffers from depression and is in need of a career overhaul, I get it. Take care of yourself and your family. Find something that brings you joy and pursue it. Transitions are tough and you’ve had a lot to deal with (this includes grieving for your old life and your friends). Know that you’ve brightened the lives of your readers and made us think (and laugh). I look forward to meeting you again someday here in the wilderness of the blogosphere.

  20. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! I was looking to you as a role model since I am moving in about a month after living for twenty years in the same town. This time, our kids are grown and won’t be a connection to meet other people. I was planning to get involved with volunteer opportunities in our new city/state. Maybe something like that will help you. Looking beyond myself always seems to put things in perspective. That, and some good chocolate.

  21. I did not see anything inappropriate about the post – it came from the heart and it was real. Which is the best part of your blog. Steve’s story broke my heart and I’m glad I read it before you trimmed it. I also think careers ebb and flow. Yours is having a quiet spell, but it hasn’t died – don’t bury it yet! I recently came back from 1.5 years of believing I would never work again, and as the primary breadwinner working in a demanding field, this decimated my belief in myself. If this is the career you want, keep plugging and doing what you have to do, and the right things will come along.

  22. I highly recommend pie. Pumpkin preferably.
    Not meaning to make light of what you’re going through…it seems like something that will change and morph into place with time, but for now your wonderful family and your health are a good start 🙂 Look after yourself my dear – you are so very worth it 🙂

  23. You are loved, honey.

    It’s okay to be a mess right now–promise.

  24. Charlotte, as I read you post, I felt like I was reading something a dear friend wrote. What I mean is, even though I don’t know you, I just read your blog, I care for you, and know you are a strong woman who will get through this time. My husband and I have been through a crazy past couple months and we jokingly call it our “shit streak”. I go back and forth too- feeling SO THANKFUL for what I have (my husband recently had a brain tumor removed- and survived, and is THRIVING), but we had to put our cat to sleep, which has broken my heart. I go back and forth between feeling immense gratitude for the good yet so sad for the bad. We’re human. I think this is normal. It has to be normal, we can’t all be freaks. But just because it is normal, doesn’t make it easy. Thank you for sharing. I care for you and hope this gets better for you in time. 🙂

    • Megan is all over this. Re-read her comments several times along with everyone else’s. I too read your posts like a dear friend. I laugh with you, love with you, cry with you, throw up in my mouth a little, you know, whatever. Thank you for being you, because you may not dig “just Charlotte” but I/we certainly do! Sometimes we have to trust what others see in us, rather than what we don’t see in ourselves.

      And you have just tapped into the most authentic prayer chain available with all of us!

      • “Sometimes we have to trust what others see in us, rather than what we don’t see in ourselves.”
        That is huge! Such simple words yet so powerful.

        Charlotte – you are one amazing woman just as you are – just Charlotte – and I am so glad that I have gotten to “know” you through the reading of your blog. While we have gone through different struggles the messages are still the same. Thanks for being you and keep that chin up!

    • I, too, feel like I know you through your blog. I look forward to reading it and wish I could write half as well as you do! Anything that you publish, I will buy. Know that you are loved by many.

  25. **big hugs** Moving is very traumatic, even if you’re really happy with where you’ve moved to.

    I also feel a little lost and stagnated right now in my professional life, faced with the decision of staying somewhere comfortable, trying to take the next logical baby step, and taking a flying leap off a cliff with a teeny tiny parachute.

    I just keep telling myself that whatever door is supposed to open, will open. I just have to be ready to walk through it when the time is right. So, that’s all I can really tell you.

  26. I teach preschool and finished parent-teacher conferences last week. After 2 weeks of preparation and many hours of lost sleep, I lost my voice upon completing the conferences. I looked at it as God’s way of telling me I was participating in life too vigorously and that it was time to sit still and be quiet for a while. I am certainly not telling you to be quiet 😉 (I love your blog!) but I do know there are times in life when we can just sit with an empty cup and wait for our souls to find what it wants in it. I am wishing you the peace that accompanies an empty cup. 🙂

  27. I was wondering about your book, and I am so sorry to hear about it. I’d buy it still. I will buy it still, if you are willing to send it to me. Even in an electronic version…

    As for your post, I truly saw nothing you’d need to apologize for. Your life is your life, and your feelings don’t exist in a vacuum. THey are always going to be affected by other life events, and influenced by them accordingly. If others fault you for writing about something like that from the heart and honestly, eff them!!

    I wish I had some advice for you, but as someone who just went through a major life change, and by myself no less, I don’t. Let’s just say that I haven’t done a very graceful job of it myself. But I’m human. We’re human. We fall, we get back up. We dust off our dirty knees (or not) and learn from the falls (or not.)

    That is so not at all helpful. You’re welcome. 😉

  28. Charlotte you are such an inspiration to me. I love how real you are. Your feelings are your feelings and they may not always be reality, but it is your reality in the moment. (hope that makes sense) I lost my brother just over a year ago and on Halloween will be celebrating his 2nd birthday that he is no longer here. Losing someone you love is so hard and we all deal with it differently. Been reading your blog for probably 4 or 5 years, not sure, but this has seemed like a crazy time for you. Prayers will be prayed for you girl.

  29. Charlotte,

    I am with everyone else, stop being so hard on yourself, you are an amazing person and have enjoyed your blog the last few years. I really like the part of how you are going to take care of yourself during this rough time and I applaud you. Miss you here in Minnesota but moving isn’t a bad thing, didn’t you say that it was like getting a clean slate to start over? I know what you are saying though, I had a rough year stating in September when my husband announced that he has feelings for a co worker and that we were getting a divorce so they could be together. I went from 2,700 square foot house, three teenage/adult full time step children, husband, dog, and two cats to an 1 bedroom apartment and just myself. I too am HSP and in the beginning I just wanted to die. Had to learn not to take things personal, put myself first, and get rid of anything toxic in my life. I have a very similar list of things I need to do in order to stay well. Get lots of sleep, keep sugar out of my diet, sprouted/whole wheat grains, and lots of water. You have kept me motivated to start exercising again and that has helped tremendously to with the anxiety and depression. Keep up the good work but remember, a break once in a while is okay too.

  30. ((HUGS))
    Moving is HARD! Especially moving away from a support system like you had with the gym buddies.
    Having your kids grow up is hard. Yes, they’re still young, but they’re not utterly dependent on you 24/7. As hard as it is being a mom to babies and toddlers, letting that go is its own kind of hell.
    If it helps, I’m not working right now, either. The other day I had a moment of “How did my life become THIS?!?!?!” as I lugged a 3rd load of laundry up 3 flights of stairs, dealt with a leaky dishwasher, and cooked 4 different meals so they’d be ready later in the week. I kept thinking “I have a Masters degree. I’ve performed, taught, and directed Shakespeare all over the country. I use to speak some of the most beautiful language known to humankind on stages in front of thousands of people. Now I’m lucky if I can put a sentence together! Especially one that doesn’t include ‘No!’ ‘Stop that!’ or ‘Get down from there!'”
    So, I let myself have a little pity party. I thought about all the crap that’s happened in the past decade. And then I started thinking about the good stuff. The fact that I wouldn’t trade my family for anything. That at least we HAVE a dishwasher, leaky thought it may be. We have a home, and we’re together, and we eat on a regular basis. We have clothes, and love, and laughter, and we have a whole team of people helping us raise our kids: People who love them and spend time with them and help them navigate the world that is often so difficult for people with autism.
    So I say FEEL it! All of it! Let yourself have that ugly cry, or the belly laugh, or whatever you need. And then it will go away.
    And feel all the love that is coming your way. ‘Cause there’s a whole heck of a lot of it! <3

  31. Praying for you.

  32. Change is hard in small doses and it sounds like you have had some heaping doses of it this past year. A move, kids growing up, work waning and susequently an identity in question.

    I went through some major identity upheaval about 4 years ago and to add to it I majorly screwed up something big which only made everything worse. One thing I learned in the midst of all that, thank you therapy, is to treat myself with some grace and maybe that is something you may want to add to your self care routine. When I was in the middle of my blowout I kept telling myself that I was failing at being normal or at handling things, that I should be doing it better, that I was a disaster. All of that internal dialogue only made everything worse. Telling yourself that you should be handling it all better or that you’re a mess or anything sort of judging yourself does nothing to make you feel good. As much as you can, keep that out of the internal dialogue (and trust me, I know, easier said than done) and instead tell yourself the kind of things you would say to a good friend in this situation. It is hard but maybe it can help.

    On a side note, you are in the right place if gray winter skies get you down. With the exception of the past few days, Colorado typically keeps the sun on full power all winter long. It is one thing I love about this place.

  33. We in cyberland love you so much! Thanks for letting us in. You are the only blog that gets me! That’s why we get you…because you get us!

  34. Sorry you’re having a hard time there Charlotte.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned from life it’s that some of the biggest lessons follow the toughest times we face. Maybe that might not always be the case, but trial and hardship is sometimes how life gives us our most precious gifts.

    That and it makes a hard workout feel all the more cathartic.

    -Matt

  35. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, I know it’s hard to move all the way out here. I did is last March. I get down sometimes myself being away from friends and family. If you’re looking for an ear to listen drop me a line. sorry for the double post.

  36. Hello. Long time reader, not so recent commenter. 🙂 Your paragraph about not being the mother of young kids and how that has messed with your identity is exactly what i am experiencing right now! My baby is in first grade. And it has forced me to reaquaint myself with myself. Who am I again? Who was I before the fertility gates opened and I became consumed with naps, feedings, changings and teaching the most rudimentary concepts? In some ways I’ve enjoyed meeting me again, but in others I have been disappointed. And what do I want to create of myself in this new stage of life? There are dark days where I long to be back on the floor with my toddlers. But there are also very encouraging days where I see that I can be so much more present for those around me in all this new found time! I love ‘just charlotte’ and have always been so grateful for our friendship!

  37. Maybe I’m clueless, but I’m not sure what was so bad about the post about Steve. I do think you are being too hard on yourself, but I also think you are completely within your choice to redact it. Even if it’s not typical, there is a time and place for these sorts of things.

    As for all of the changes, I can certainly empathise with all except the motherhood stuff, but I can see where you are coming from even on that. Regarding the identity issues – with both motherhood and fitness – I think you’ve been through this before and can draw on that experience. Remember what it felt like to suddenly realise you were no longer “Charlotte with the eating disorder” even though it was a major part of your identify for so long? We’ve been fortunate enough to watch that evolution on our blog, and I am really happy that you are sharing your current situation your blog so we can help you through it again – as much as strangers on the internet can 🙂

    As for self-care, well that’s a personal preference, but I’d add yoga to the list!

  38. I’m sorry things aren’t going so well for you. My only suggestion is to write compliments about yourself and stick them on the mirror, something that will make you smile when you see them in the morning. I find that helps.

    I saw an article (this blog links to a couple of sources http://www.monkpunk.org.php5-19.dfw1-2.websitetestlink.com/?p=232) that a 20 second hug does wonders for people, especially women. Grab one of your kids for a hug and hopefully one of them will co-operate for 20 seconds 🙂 Kids are so wriggly !

  39. Hi! I’m not commenting very often but i LOVE reading your blog! You have such an amazing gift to write from your heart, to write really really good and touch other people with your writing! I’m touched so often by your articles as i think we have a lot in common – although i don’t have kids yet (trying since a few years now, really fustrating), i’m also a highly sensitive person and try to deal with that a lot.And i have a history of depression in my family and am curently recovering from burnout/depression, whatever you want to call it. So, in short, I just wanted to tell you that I love what you write, that you are so honest and give me the feeling that i’m not alone with my struggles! and also tell you that you are not alone,although some of your best friends are living far away now, they still love you and are your friends…i know, doesnt help much, one of my best friends lives in oakland and i’m here in austria, so yeah, i know…i send you lots of love and a hug from around the world! now go hug your kids 😉

  40. You’re a wonderful human being. I enjoy your blog, it helps me enormously.
    Also, I enjoy the sensible way you bring out your message and your humor. I think you’re a very loving and caring person, both to us strangers on the internet, your family, friends and your kids.

    I understand the hard time you’re having, that’s a whole lot to deal with. I always is like that somehow, it’s never one thing at the time, the next thing waiting in line ’till you figured the first one out, it always have to come all at once.
    I’m sure that you will figure this out though, nobody ever get’s more to deal with then they can handle.

    I did not think there was anything wrong with the post about Steve.

    I don’t know whether this will work for you, but recently I try to not take the thoughts in my head to seriously. Our brain tends to hold on to things that we know aren’t helping us. By not believing those thoughts I create some peace around the pain, it also helps me to move past it faster.

    ow, one other thought. I understand you being sad for the loss of the young mother identity, but the identity mother will stick with you forever! And from what I read you are a very loving and caring mother.

  41. Hi Charlote, I recently went through something with the birth of my daughter, I went from corporate career woman to housemaid and babysitter and I simply was not feeling like a human being, I love my daughter more than anything but the change was painfull to me. I had chosen before giving birth to stay home for one year but after 2-3 months I was feeling so depressed and sad because I couldn’t do or didn’t have the energy to do the things that defined me. So after a lot of agony it came to me to return to the very basics things that make me myself and that for me is my passion for the French history and know that all that will never disapper and will always stay with me and this helped me a lot. Also schedueling to have time for myself and chose what I want so if I want to stay and do nothing I just do that. Hope I make sense and I do hope you return to blogging because you are my inspiration

  42. I love how honest you are. I feel like I know this feeling- where you are- being in a state of change that has a major impact on how you see yourself. I tend to forget that I am not defined by what I do (but it is all I have so I hang on to it for dear life…)
    I don’t have any good advice, but I do want you to know that you are in my thoughts, and I am very glad that you are writing about your process and sharing your thoughts. It sincerely helps others I think…
    ps;(I know what you mean about sugar — I experiment with having it from time to time- and it seems that I always have some sort of increase in anxiety shortly there after…)

  43. Echoing what people are saying here “just Charlotte” is plenty. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and I really enjoy reading your writings. I originally came for the fitness experiment (I was starting to work out more and was googling) but I stayed for your writing and the person behind it (in the nicest way possible!) so it doesn´t really matter what you write about I’ll carry on reading.

    As for self care, one thing I find that can help is not forgetting hugging, touching and cuddling. Hug your children, hug your husband, watch TV with a purring cat in your lap. Cuddle your dog.

    I can’t remember what your pet situation is but I added the animals in there because they do help as well and for people without children or spouses that might be the only reliable non complicated “cuddle time” they can get and that’s valuable too and not to be left out.

    You could also look at picking up new hobbies that give you joy. I fell in love with lindy hop (swing dancing) roughtly a year ago and it’s brought me so much joy. I think if you were to give social dancing a go lindy hop would probably suit better than some of the other popular dances like salsa or tango. Lindy hop is athletic and gets your heart rate going while the overall mood isn’t sultry or sexy but instead a WHEEEE!! yay!! type of happy go lucky playfulness.

  44. One additional “self care” thing that might help you (it helps me a bit) is to think kind thoughts about strangers. I know that sounds dumb, but when I’m in a funk I get MEAN. So I make it a point to think nice things about others. Like if I see someone walking down the sidewalk I’ll think “great shoes!”. It’s an easy way to distract my mean brain from wallowing in its anger. (and sometimes the kindness bleeds over to me and I’ll randomly think something kind about myself, too).

    This time of year. . .let’s just kick it right in the groin! All the dingy days with lack of sun! Grrr.

    WAIT, this time of year isn’t so bad. I love the sound when I walk through crunchy leaves. It’s like having a big gulp of emotional caffeine.

    (ooh, did I just re-route my thinking to not focus on the negative? see, it really DOES work!)

    All silliness aside, you have a lot of folks who like you just for you (and you know that). We’re here, quietly supporting you.

    *sits quietly and sends out good vibes*

  45. I loved this post. Very raw and honest and relatable, which is always appreciated from a blog. I have a feeling that you will find your direction before long…look at all that you have already accomplished. It’s still in you, you just need to find your compass. Good luck!

  46. Hugs, my dear!!! You don’t have anything to apologize for, in my book. I do understand why you’re revising your post, after realizing in hindsight that it was about something different than you thought when you wrote it. But aside from that, you’re human, you’re coping, and you’re wicked awesome.

    I love your self-care list. The gratitude journal is so great and something I just started, myself. You could also try to remember this lovely trifecta, on yourself and others, as often as you can: accept, forgive, and release judgment. You deserve it!!!

    Love and kisses!!!! <3

  47. Welcome to your first midlife crisis. I have great confidence that something far more productive than a red sports car will come out of it. In my experience growing pains and pimples are two things that do NOT improve with age.

  48. I have been lurking on your site for years without posting, however after reading this, I have to break my silence to send you a great big hug. You are such a good person and you try so hard…you break my heart with your courage, Charlotte. Stay the course, keep doing what you are doing, and know that you are loved.

  49. I’ll be praying for you, Charlotte. Thanks for being transparent to your readers; it, along with your wit and humor, keeps me coming back. I’m glad you’re going to focus on self-care and I hope you feel better soon.

  50. As soon as you said “the hard things about depression” I immediately thought: on top of all that, it’s fall! Ugh! Heather Armstrong at dooce.com has written very openly about her depression and either last fall or the year before she wrote about the seasonal aspect of everything. I wish I had more time right now to dig up her post. But of course a few lines later you mentioned getting out in natural light so you’re probably on it. I’m struggling right now too, having lost my dad 6 weeks and 3 days ago – your self-care list is definitely the impetus I needed to make me go to my lunchtime strength class in a few minutes. I look forward to reading the comments later but in case no one else mentioned it, I’m a big believer in fish oil for mood. I do 2 1000-mg capsules 3 times a day.

  51. First of all, a hug to you.

    Second, please take the time to listen to yourself. Moving, stagnating careers and babies that are not babies anymore are ALL legitimate reasons to feel bad! We are strong women, we don’t want to accept we are “low”, because, after all, we have been blessed with so many things… well, no matter what, we are still entitled to have emotions!

    Add to your list “talking to a friend or family member every day” and some more intense exercise (that will make you sweat). You can do this! 🙂

  52. “Just Charlotte” attracts some of the kindest, most loving, troll-free comments I’ve ever seen on a blog. That has to mean you’re doing the most important things right.

    Also, I totally agree that you’re not done with young motherhood. Self-definition is a hugely personal thing, but I would love to see you be gentle with yourself. I’d give you a motherhood pass until they’re all out of the house–anything you do on top of that is gravy in my eyes!

  53. Gravy in my eyes? That sounds really weird. To my eyes?

  54. we all love “just Charlotte”.
    Take care of yourself. Things are allowed to ebb and flow. You can’t have the same energy to put yourself out there day in and day out, year in and year out, without some periods to recharge and regroup. This is one of them. Take that step back and just “be.”

  55. You are such an inspiration. We all hit roadblocks but you have truly helped, loved (and entertained!) so many people in this world.

    Take care of yourself and know that not only are you loved, but you are cared for and respected by all of us.

  56. Me and my friend love all this content very much!! We are more curious to read up another new posts too..

    Have a great weekend!

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  58. So I missed this – I think all I can say is HUGE HUGS!!!!! I still need to go back & read the other post but since you are deleting a lot of it, it may not all make sense to me. Charlotte – you are enough & I hope you are able to believe that… says this lady still working on it! 🙂

  59. I was wondering about that second book and I’m so disappointed it won’t be coming out after all! I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. Sometimes life piles everything on top of us at once and you just have to keep pushing through. I know that’s not very helpful, but you’re not alone, and many of us have been in a similar place before, wondering where we’re heading.

    Hugs to you!

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  61. Your writing (about everything and anything) is fantastic – you are one talented lady and I’m sure you’ll find your groove very soon! In the meantime, sending you lots of hugs and good vibes 🙂

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