13 Real Things You Are Really Doing Really Wrong at the Gym. For reals. [Forget heart rate zones and protein powder, these tips will make your workout more magical than She-Ra riding a unicorn over the Bermuda Triangle.]

gym2Not bad advice, frankly. At my old gym this machine directly faced the window separating the weight room from the basketball gym. Accident?

Today as I scrolled down through my newsfeed, I saw it: “Top 10 Mistakes You’re Making in the Gym” (the histrionic RIGHT NOW!!! was implied). I felt my eyes glaze over – another day, another “what not to do at the gym” list. I dunno, guys. Maybe I’m jaded but I’ve read a million of these (heck, I think I even wrote one myself) and I just can’t get worked up anymore about people dropping the weights, taking too long on the hip abductor machine, singing out loud or hitting on anything with boobs. I tried, really I did, especially with the last one, but I was overwhelmed… with ennui. (And my lack of boobs.)

First I think we need to give people some serious credit just for being in the gym in the first place. Having been so happy in my gym back in Minnesota I’d forgotten how sucky it is walking into a strange place where it seems like everyone else knows what they are doing and you’re still trying to figure out if the garbage can thingy is actually for garbage or if it’s the towel return. Yeah people do stuff wrong. Sometimes they do it wrong on purpose. Sometimes it’s an unfortunate accident. They may even spray you with their sweat. But all the same, they’re not out hiding chemical weapons or writing the script for Saw XCIII or choreographing Miley Cyrus’ next dance number in which she molests some other innocuous childhood object. Let’s give them some credit.

But I do love me a good list. And heaven knows that gyms are a hotbed of weirdness. So forget heart rate zones and spin etiquette, here is what you should REALLY be worrying about screwing up at the gym:

Whatever You Do At The Gym Don’t Do This:

1. Eating a peanut butter and jelly sammich. Sure, drink your protein shake, eat your recovery bar, heck, pound some French fries if that’s your jam but I draw the line at anything that resembles blood spatter when dropped on the floor. Also, if you say “sammich” you’re banned from the squat rack until you can write “I’m not on The Jersey Shore” with your own sweat. (Corollary: Do not pop popcorn in the public microwave. Unless you plan on sharing.)

2. Not reading the fine print on your membership contract. It’s okay, we’ve all been so blinded by the super-low “introductory rate”, “free personal training” and “UNLIMITED TOWEL SERVICE” that we accidentally signed away our first-born child. It happens. You can always make another one. (Disney taught me that!)

3. Sobbing aloud whilst watching A Baby Story on the gym TV. It’s not a no-no to tear up a bit over a really moving episode of Modern Family and you’re even allowed to sob loudly if you’ve just PR’d your deadlift. But if you change the channel of the gym TV to TLC, heaven help you. No one needs to see Hoarders while running Tabata sprints, they’re already on the verge of puking.

4. Underestimating The Olds. They may look wrinkly, move slowly and appear to have no peripheral vision but if they’re 86 and still working out chances are they can kick your butt at something. Even if it’s just chess. I met an elderly woman the other day who danced me into the ground in Zumba. Never let an adult diaper prevent you from droppin’ it low, is my new motto.

5. Parking in the handicapped spot. Yeah, we saw you. I know you think people who are handicapped don’t work out. You would be wrong.

6. Buying supplements at the “cafe.” You can get them cheaper on-line. Promise. Take all the free samples they’ll give you though! You can wrap them in the free towel that you’re carrying around because you still haven’t ID’d the proper hole to dispose it in.

7. Murdering someone. Okay, we’ve all muttered “I could kill that jerk!” under our breath. Especially when he’s hoarding all 6 of the 20-lb dumbbells. But don’t really do it. Don’t be that guy. Also not a good idea: The other 7 Deadly Sins. Except gluttony – that’s okay as long as you’re “bulking” or “carb loading”.

8. Wearing edible underwear. By now we’ve covered the undies debate to death. Wear panties, don’t wear panties. Wear panties on your head as an emergency hair tie (I swear to you I did not make that one up – it was an actual tip from Cosmo!) Wear panty-less pants and draw on panty lines with a Sharpie. Whatever floats your boat. But your Fruit of the Looms should not be made with real fruit – edible undies and sweat don’t mix. Just saying. (Plus: fruit leather is a terrible post-workout snack, especially if it has e-coli.)

9. Grand theft auto. Either the video game or the felony.

10. Performing minor surgery. Everyone has a theory about what that funny bump on your shoulder is. Doesn’t mean they get to “biopsy it” with nail clippers in the locker room.

11.  Exorcisms. No summoning the unholy dead. Unless you can do it while only quoting Sublime lyrics. I don’t practice Santeria. I ain’t got no crystal ball. I had a million dollars but I, I spent it all! If I could find that heina and that sancho that she’s found, Well I’d pop a cap in sancho and I’d slap her doooown. Okay on second thought, don’t do that. Gyms frown on popping caps and slap fights.

12. Doing your own fecal transplants. Anything that involves you, a still-warm toilet and a Q-tip should never happen. Even if you did read it will help you lose weight.

13. Taping your own “reality show” that only stars women from the neck down and is filmed surreptitiously on your camera phone as you pretend to “tie” your Vibrams. Oh see, I did bring it back to boobs! It’s the circle of liiiiife!

Anyone else really sick of the “Mistakes You Must Never Make In the Gym Or Everyone Will Hate You And Steal Your Snacks!” lists?? What would you add to my list of things you really ought to be worrying about in the gym?

15 Comments

  1. I had an old lady put her hands on my leg and pray out loud that Jesus would heal me and let me get back to my workout. I was limping because I pulled my hamstring.I think touching people at the gym should be a no-no, especially if you don’t know them.

    • I had a lady in a Fashion Bug grab my wrist which was in a brace for tendonitis and say virtually the same thing! I said, “Thanks. I’m sure Jesus cares, but I’m sure he has more important things to think about than my tendonitis…no need to pray about it just yet.” I still laugh when I think about it. I know it wasn’t at the gym, but this should be a department store no-no too. I mean, I’m a person who takes their faith VERY seriously and this just seemed so ridiculous to me. Maybe it was the same lady.

  2. Don’t use the lower half of your shirt to ‘wipe sweat from your brow’ whilst discreetly looking in the mirror. We know you’re just ab checking.

    Don’t do hip thrusts in line with, (if they are facing you) someone doing push-ups.

    Don’t ‘plank’ on someone bench pressing.

    Don’t spot someone on the bench before wiping your sweat.

    Don’t forget to wear pants.

  3. Heh, I use both the bulking and carb loading excuses *all the time*. Also, thanks for the Sublime earworm. If you have to get a song stuck in your head at 7am, it helps for it to be one of your favorite bands.

  4. I legit snorted at ’11. Exorcisms.’ Very important and necessary advice there. 😀

  5. Ah maaannn. I was plannin’ me some Grand Theft Auto today. The game AND the crime. ‘Cause that’s how I roll, yo. Now I’m just going to have to can the last of my tomatoes and listen to my Sublime station on Pandora instead. Oh well.

  6. Hahahaha. Love these!

    Can I add a don’t for gym management? Call something a “Dance Fusion” class when it’s 30 minutes of shuffling in place. Maybe I should have figured with it being mid-morning but I just took a HIIT class at that same time that kicked my butt! Loving my new gym but that was just sad. Seriously. I didn’t even break a sweat and I do that walking up a flight of stairs.

  7. I think you would prefer eye contact rather than a “my eyes are up here” type of situation.

  8. Love the post, so funny.
    The edible underwear point almost made be fall off my chair.

  9. Underestimating the elderly – seriously. I swear this guy was using a walker before the 5k, and then, bam! He KICKED MY TRASH in the race. And I was the second woman with a 20:31 time, so it’s not like I was a slacker.

    I don’t do any of those things wrong! Ego boosted! Of course, I also don’t have a gym membership. However I want to kick anyone in the face who doesn’t pronounce words like sandwich correctly. You’re just asking for it. For real.

  10. This was the best list of gym rules (or don’ts) that I’ve ever seen – thanks!!!

  11. So funny, I couldn’t agree more, though no grand theft auto? Aw man…

  12. Hee! 🙂

  13. Oh I’m giggly. GTA is so not cool at the gym, amiright? 🙂

  14. So true, and completely hilarious! I’d have to add that you should groan or grunt like an ape when lifting heavy weights. If the weight is heavy enough (and you cant handle it well) that you are about to bust every eye blood vessel you have and you are groaning like you are lifting a F-350 off the road then you should just move along!

    Josh