I’ve Gained Weight. So Does This Mean My Intuitive Eating Experiment Is a Failure?

albert-einstein-intuition

Mika Brzezinski did something very brave today. The MSNBC anchor took a picture of her scale and posted her weight – 135.9 – on Twitter. Caption: “My weight. One year ago today I was 118 and felt fat. I feel good about this actually .. pic.twitter.com/fHx2mhM0BW” While I don’t normally advocate the sharing of weights in any forum other than a birthing room (and even then, only the baby’s!), this is a really big deal for her. For any of you who don’t know her story, she’s publicly battled eating disorders and has written extensively about her struggle with body dysmorphia, self image and depression – particularly poignant as she’s a public figure whose job arguably relies on her looks. In case you didn’t catch that, girlfriend gained 18 pounds and she feels better about herself now than when she was closer to the “ideal.” (Heavy on the air quotes, there.)

Well, Mika and I have something in common beyond the fact that we both wrote books about our struggles with exercise addiction that should be stocked in the “overshare” section of the bookstore. (What, that’s not a real classification? It should be!) I too have gained 18 pounds over the past year-ish.

I haven’t really talked about it on here for several reasons. First, because weight insecurity is as contagious as the stomach flu on cruise ships. Don’t believe me? Bring up weight gain in a group of women and watch all of them fall like dominoes into a pit of self-loathing and despair. And I love you guys way more than I love cruise ships. Or dominoes! The last thing I want to do is infect you with my own negative thoughts and send you into a shame spiral too. Second, I wanted to wait and make sure it was “for real” weight gain. Since I gave up weighing myself years ago (yay!) I don’t know the day-to-day fluctuations anymore and so I wanted to wait for a doctor’s appointment before worrying about it. But I just had that appointment and the weight gain is definitely legit. My friends – bless them – say they can’t see it but my new friends haven’t known me as anything other than this current shape and my old friends learned a long time ago not to indulge in weight talk with me. Lastly, because I’m trying to stay positive about myself regardless of what the dumb scale says. I’m awesome no matter what! Except that I don’t feel awesome about this. I kinda feel like I’m supposed to be the poster girl for Intuitive Eating and being body positive yet apparently I’m failing at both.

But am I?

Does gaining a significant amount of weight really mean I’ve failed at Intuitive Eating? Does it mean that Intuitive Eating doesn’t work? One of the e-mails I get most from this blog is from people asking me if IE is still working for me, four years later. During the first two years I was tirelessly (irritatingly?) celebratory about it, proclaiming my love for it at every opportunity. “Of course it works!” I’d declare. “Because I’ve been eating what my body needs for two years now and I haven’t gained a pound! It turns out that when you give your body what it really wants and needs, everything balances out effortlessly! No calorie counting, food journaling or 4-hour bouts of cardio required!” And people would write back and tell me how inspired they were by my example and they too wanted to live a life free of neurotic obsessions with numbers and scales. I’d feel fantastic. They’d feel fantastic. It was all glorious.

Well I stopped answering those e-mails a year ago. I didn’t know what to say anymore. The one thing people found so comforting – that I could let go of the crazy restrictions and still stay at my “happy weight – wasn’t true anymore. And it’s not like I was underweight to begin with and I was gaining back much needed pounds in recovery. I felt like I didn’t have a good reason for the weight gain. (And yeah, I’ve had every medical thing tested. I’m aces across the board.) It’s also not the fabled muscle gain. Not only has my body fat percentage increased but my clothes have gotten tighter and tighter – remember those expensive jeans I bought because they made my butt look aMAYzing? I can get them on but the seams look so tortured you can almost hear them cry for mercy. I’ve tried not to panic, all the while trying everything reasonable I could to halt the weight gain.

Limiting sugar. Increasing HIIT workouts. Not eating after dinner. Getting more sleep. Eating “cleaner.” Scary part: Nothing’s worked at all. Even scarier part: I’ve discovered I lack the willpower to do anything more. Restricting anything, even a little bit, now causes a major mental pushback. I will NOT be told I can’t eat candy ever again!

So here’s what I’ve decided:

1. Intuitive Eating does work and did work for me in the beginning because I was so careful to follow all the rules then – like sitting down every time I eat to help me pay attention to my hunger cues. This would mean that if I rededicated myself to the program then it would start working again and I’d return to my happy place on my own.

OR

2. Intuitive Eating does work and my body, for whatever reason, has intuited that I need 18 more pounds of padding. (But I’ve moved from Minnesota, body! I no longer need the protective layer of blubber to keep warm!) This would mean that I should now focus on loving, accepting and cherishing my body the way it is and figure that my body knows best so it must be this way for a reason.

OR

3.  Intuitive Eating doesn’t work, at least not in the long term.

And of the three, I honestly don’t know what to tell you, dear letter writers who want to know. I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. I wish I were as evolved as I thought I was in not worrying about the scale number and focusing on my health and happiness. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I knew that this weight gain has an end point. I wish I had something funny and witty to say about this. I wish… well, I wish I were perfect at this whole IE thing.

But, as they say, perfection is the enemy of happiness.

So I’m trying to give myself a break on the guilt. We have basically spent the past four months under the kind of intense stress that puts “moving” with divorce and death of  a loved one at the top of mental health intake forms. In transitional housing we ate out a ton. Thanks to having a long summer of all kids at home and being responsible for 100% of the childcare while still having to, you know, work, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, losing sleep and gaining stress.

I’ve got lots of excuses. I’ve also got 18 pounds. Yet I’ve also got the freedom and confidence IE instilled in me. I don’t wanna go backwards!

Now you tell me – have I failed at IE’? What do I do? Decree IE dead, go back to ‘traditional” methods and risk going cuckoo again? Learn to embrace my new weight? Try again to do IE but do it “right” this time? Am I doomed to become the cliched girl always trying to lose the “last ten pounds” and never succeeding? Have any of you ever been in this situation??

And what do you think of Mika’s media stunt? Would you ever post your weight on social media??

PS. To all of you who haate when I get down like this, I’m sorry. Truly.

PPS. HUGE shout-out to my girl Mandy who I met at back-to-school night tonight. She made my whole week by not only telling me she’s been reading my blog for years but even recognized me from it! That happens to me so rarely that every time it does it just makes me grin and grin. I know how busy y’all are and it means a great deal to me that you would chose to spend some of that precious time reading my stuff:)   (Plus her son is in my son’s class and her little guy immediately welcomed mine – such a sweetheart!) Thank you Mandy!

77 Comments

  1. Neither you nor IE has failed. No person or behaviour (such as IE) is perfect. It is unreasonable to expect it of yourself.

    You’ve been through tremendous stress, your Cortisol levels have to be sky high ! Give yourself a break and focus on de-stressing.

  2. And I’d look at options 1 and 2 but gently 🙂

  3. Dear Charlotte, I moved last September. By May I had gained 11 kilos (some 23 pounds?) Moving is hell. I’ve lost 7 kilos over the last three months just by watching my carbs and having – finally! – unpacked everything and settled in completely. I think it’s not fair to come to any conclusions so soon after moving. Weigh yourself in a year. Don’t obsess. Find a gym that has buddies. Have a system in place. Really, really, really give yourself a break until you’re totally at home.

  4. You definitely can’t discount the stress you’ve had the last few months. And as I reflect on the last year that I’ve “known” you (and oh how i adore your blog!) you’ve had other significant life stressors. I’m specifically thinking of the loss of a couple of friends. Death is a funny thing even when we are grounded in faith. And yea, I get it, we all are good about excuses. Reality happens, and it affects us. But as I reflect on your stories the last year I also remember that you have felt amazing enough to consider giving up part of your meds. I can’t tell you if IE is working based on your weight, or anything else. But feeling that good mentally is usually a good sign. So taking weight out of the equation, how do you feel?

    Blah blah blah. Reality is life has ups and downs. Joys and sorrows. Why shouldn’t our bodies follow that as well?

  5. Just going to echo what everyone else has said. You’ve been through some MAJOR stress over the past year! Add 4 young kids to the mix, and it’s not at all surprising that some weight has crept on.
    You are doing an AMAZING job at Life! Truly!

  6. I say accept your weight. Buy a more comfortable size of clothes and go back to really listening to ie again. Laugh it off and realize that you are gorgeous. Because you are. Forge ahead with head up and shoulders back and be proud of how far you have come.

    The scale is a dangerous creature for women like you and me. Some people can handle it, but being a former EDNOS gal, it seems to send me down a dark path.

    Life is so much more precious than the numbers on the scale. I actually do better when I have distressed AND accept my body size and appreciate the food I eat and listen to the signals.

    Hang in there. “You is good. You is kind. And you is important.” (Quote from “The Help”).

  7. Charlotte- I have been IEing for 2 years Nd I have also gained about 15-20 lbs. I like just cannot make myself go back to dieting. I can’t! I feel like my body revolts(and my mind!)! I am a fitness instructor and it is hard! I feel like a sham!

  8. I just want to point this out:

    “Even scarier part: I’ve discovered I lack the willpower to do anything more. Restricting anything, even a little bit, now causes a major mental pushback. I will NOT be told I can’t eat candy ever again!”

    Charlotte, that’s not “scary” at all. That’s an accomplishment! Recovery. This is how non-disordered people feel about dieting! If you’re like me (and as another faithful reader of yours, I’ll just go ahead and say you probably are) then back in ED days restricting was easy and people who said they lacked the “willpower” to restrict were downright confusing. (That’s mental illness for ya…) The one part of me that’s still not completely recovered is my exercising, and I still feel that way about the gym! People seem to be impressed by the “willpower” it takes to work out as much as I do, whereas for me it’s like..how could I not? It takes me willpower to cut back on my workouts!
    Now you’re thinking about dieting and restricting the way a non-disordered person would. It’s normal-human-Charlotte saying that, not your ED. Celebrate! That’s a good thing.

    • I know this is an older post, but how are you doing? I am just starting out intuitive eating but aside from what everyone else has said, have you considered that you haven’t put in the effort to intuitively eat? It’s possible that since you did it for two years, you “knew” how much to were supposed to eat visually and stopped actually list in to your body, due to repitition. For example, let’s say you normally could eat 4 ounces of steak before getting full. You knew what it looked like. After eating 4 ounces for 2 years, why bother checking in (subconsciously maybe you did this).

      As life goes on your calorie requirements change due to so many factors…a slower or faster metabolism, hormones, exercise, stress, just to name a few. IE isn’t something to set it and forget it, and it’s possible when you were moving and really stressed you didn’t give IE the time it needs. It should be a lifelong thing. I truly hope IE is my lifelong answer, but it’s been practicing for just a couple shirt weeks and have gained a couple pounds. I’m chalking it up to “I’m still learning.” I know you are not supposed to weigh yourself, but I find it hard to know right now when I am truly full. Obviously gaining weight explains you have eaten more than you should have.

      I think it’s fair that maybe weighing yourself every so often can be gooD. Don’t use it as a focus on the weight, use it as a learning experience…to teach you something , give you insight such as…OK it’s been 4 weeks and I am maintaining my my weight. I’ve been doing well understanding my needs. Or, I have gained a couple pounds, maybe I am not as hungry as I have been thinking and eating past satiation. Or, I have been losing weight, so now I know if my goal is to lose weight, I am doing well understanding my needs.

      I am confident you can get it to work again. It worked for you for quite a while, so maybe you just disconnected from truly listening to your body every meal you ate and went off memory during this stressful year. Good luck 🙂

  9. Eat an overripe mango and get food poisoning and lose 5 pounds in 2 days. That’s what I just did. (Ugh! Just kidding; I’d rather skip desserts for a week!)

    Intuitive Eating most definitely does not work for me, since my intuition tells me to eat lots of chocolate. Intermittent Eating, on the other hand, has turned out to be a great tool; I’ve discovered that I won’t starve or get malnourished if I skip a meal once in a while.

    For what it’s worth…unless you’ve been posting nothing but two year old photos, you still look exactly the same to me.

  10. Charlotte-I really appreciate your honesty here. I feel better now that you’ve said this. I’m still recovering from an eating disorder myself and have had to have more of a ‘plan’ because I can’t bring myself to trust ‘intuitive eating.’ I’ve been somewhat envious of people who have been able to essentially eat how a normal person-what I used to feel like-does. Although the above commenters are right in that you have been going through a lot of stress lately with the last year, I appreciate your example that intuitive eating isn’t necessarily the end-all be-all. As always, love you and your blog!

  11. CHARLOTTE!!! {jumping up and down waving my arms} Lady, cut yourself a mega-mile of slack! Moving (ESPECIALLY cross country) ain’t for wimps. Nor is it as short term as one thinks, what with the planning, execution, fallout & restructuring. Get settled. Give it time. I am confident most of it will disappear.
    PS…miss you here in MN

  12. So often, while reading your posts, I think, “Good grief, your thoughts are so often mine!” There has been so much stress in my life over the last year. From my youngest’s Senior year and grieving that, months of limbo, “Do I have scleroderma or not?!?!”, the loss of a friend not because she died but because she hates me for some reason, and always always the threat of moving in the back of my head and one of my sons getting married across country. Lots of emotional things. I have been emotionally eating, have gained about 5 pounds (I know, big whoop, but it DISTRESSES ME!), but more than the weight I have gained many inches. Your description of your clothes when you put them on..yup…I am totally there. I continue to workout (T-Tapp), but my body laughs at me and points fingers at me! Anyway, I know you will figure your way out of this. I hope that I will. I am very interested in watching your journey while I travel mine. I love who you are!

  13. Dear Charlotte: Thank you for being honest and posting what many of us would never talk about publicly. Ya got guys, girl.
    Second: I always think of this when weight fluctuations come up. When we were 8, we never looked at the scale and said, there, I’m going to stay at this weight the rest of my life. Why? Because we knew we were going to grow and change. Yet, we do this as adults. We pick a weight at some age in our life and hope the scale will never change. Yet odds are, it will.
    When it comes down to it, if you’re eating decently most of the time and getting physical activity and keeping stress low, you’re doing better than 90 percent of the population when it comes to your health and you’ve mastered all those healthy habits you need to prolong your life!

  14. I too, am up. It’s hard to look at the scale and see such numbers that I’ve come from, but I’ve been through MAJOR life changes over the past six months and my routine (and body) followed.
    The key for me is to give myself the grace to live my life as happily as I can, accepting the changes we (me and my body) have been through and loving myself through it all.
    Not easy to do because I’ve spent so many years valuing myself based on my weight, but I’m trying not to look at the scale and instead to look outward around me, to see the amazing life that is happening (no matter what I’m wearing), and getting back into the swing of things when I can. Grace. I am the type of person who gains 5 pounds with every workout I miss, my metabolism loves me that much. I know what works for me with losing weight (and keeping it off) but when life throws curveballs, ya just gotta roll with it and pick it all back up where you left off on the flip side. No worries girl. You rock no matter what.

  15. I’m just going to chime in and agree with what everyone else has said 🙂 you have had a majorly stressful year. That combined with the lack of sleep is probably a huuuge culprit (and I know sometimes you can’t really just tell yourself to get more sleep, but hopefully this will balance out soon as you get more settled). And I too think it’s great that your mind is rebelling against the thought of not eating candy ever again! Maybe that means you’ve taught your mind that different things are good at different times, and outlawing treats and indulgences isn’t a good thing (something that a lot of us are still learning!). I don’t think intuitive eating has failed, and I don’t think YOU’VE failed: life happens, and you just need to give it time.

  16. I have two thoughts on this.

    First is, have you actually been eating intuitively over the past year? I can see where it would be easy to deviate with all the twists and turns you’ve been through.

    Second, maybe with all the stress you’ve been dealing with, your body does think you need the extra weight. You’re routine has changed and your body is freaking out.

    Either way, you shouldn’t let this bother you that much. You look like you are living healthy and having a blast in CO.

  17. Haven’t you been extra stressed this year? When I am stressed I gain weight no matter how careful with food and exercise I am. The most important thing is feeling good and being happy!

  18. This is me: “I’ve discovered I lack the willpower to do anything more.”
    I too have not been able to get down to my pre baby weight after #2. It pains me. I cannot restrict anything else and I am tired of restricting what I already do (I want twinkies sometimes…you know?!). Also, I am exhausted from caring about my stupid weight.

  19. I agree with all of these posts. When I moved I gained 10 lbs in a year, losing your support system of workout buddies is hard and the stress of changing everything you knew is even harder. I did try IE once, I loved it, but I am the type of person who needs those restrictions in place.

  20. Well, I find that even at what I consider to be my average weight I go up a bit, and then have to reign myself in for a few weeks and go down a bit. I go by how my clothes fit and when they get snug I put a bit more effort in and get back down a little. I’m at the need to get back down a little stage at the moment, but I’ve noticed that as long as I am healthy and happy I am OK. I don’t look much different and my husband thinks I look just fine, so I don’t get too worked up about it. The thing about being a bit too thin and overstressed/overworked is that it can be un sustainable. I can’t live happily at uberoptimal. I feel deprived and I just like a glass of good wine now and then, so I’m learning what I can live with and still be healthy. It’s OK to not be perfect super uber healthy…it really is :).
    To me it has sounded like you’ve been happier, and ad a lot of stuff to deal with lately with the move and all. I wouldn’t try to focus on the numbers to much. Focus on how you feel. Food is food, and it’s OK to need to reign in every once in a while. Just don’t let it get to you OK? You’re lovely and your health and happiness are what matters. Live life with your family and I am sure as you settle into your new home and surroundings you’ll settle into your new “you” and figure out where you want to be. 🙂

  21. I totally agree with what Jen said. I also think this is a great opportunity to take a good look at emotional eating. There is no way you weren’t doing some emotional eating with all the stress you’ve been under. Who wouldn’t?

    As for if IE is the ‘end all be all,’ I know it is. Maybe not for everyone at every point in their recovery, but I know it is the only healthy way of relating to food. I know it. I have gained some weight while learning it, but I’m losing it. You may still be learning it, too. It takes a long time to learn and even then we still need to be conscious of what is going on. I would be willing to bet that with all the stress you’ve been under you haven’t been very mindful. And that is ok! It’s just an opportunity to regroup and learn.

    It’s still the only way to be healthy with food. I truly believe that. Keep going, girlfriend. Thanks for posting your truth. You’re awesome.

  22. Your honesty and transparency in this post is a refreshing change from most health/fitness blogs that I read, so thank you!

    Have you had any extensive blood work done lately, including hormone and thyroid testing? Even with the extra stress and eating out, it may be worth it just to make sure everything is a-okay.

  23. So many gut reactions, I don’t know where to start!
    Let go, we need to stop caring about weight. IE or not. I am hearing hints of wanting to get in control…scary thoughts.
    One of my first reactions, other than talking about my own weight gain (and you are right, the moment one person outs him/herself, everyone wants to be in the party…I’ll get to my story later…maybe 🙂 ) oh, first reaction, was maybe your body is telling you that is where ti functions best (then I saw #2 above) Is the goal of IE to not gain weight? that in itselfdoesn’t seem like a good reason to do it then (see where I’m going?). It should be about letting go, eating when hungry, adn feeling good about yourself so you can stop caring and live your life with the people who love you.
    Not that I do that, I also obsess about weight and don’t always follow my thoughts…
    About that party? I gained 3% body fat and loss 2 pounds of lean mass in 4 months, that is about how accurate I get into my numbers (dunk tank). I don’t weigh myself often anymore a) because I obsess and b) (battery dead). I’m getting older (almost 40) so I need to start living my life and let the little ones kiss my “belly”, they like it.

    By the way, I bought those jeans after reading your post (I also have thunder thighs) and coincidence, am weraing them today (msot of my clothes still fit, but snugly)

    • PS I would totally share my weigh, height, age, etc. I find it helps people put things in perspective… I already do if someone asks.

    • Forgot to add, no reasons for me, no major life-changing event occurred, so I have no excuse…

  24. I’m finding out that lack of sleep is a HUGE factor with weight gain. When I’m tired I find myself unconsciously nibbling all day and I have more of a tendency to feel down in the mouth and get more irritable and stressed which then makes me want to nibble more. Sleep is under-rated.

  25. First of all, echoing the sentiments that I think you look fab, and if you have found 18 extra lbs, I don’t see them at all (but from experience, I know that if YOU can see them, that’s all that matters). If you’re feeling healthy, capable, strong, and good at this weight though, there is no reason to do anything further and just be happy. Nuff said.

    You know I’ve been banging my head against this “can’t lose weight” thing for years. I’m the opposite – when I don’t weigh very often, it becomes this magical thing to me and I get all emotional about it (weekly, monthly, etc). When I weigh daily, it’s a metric that I log, note, and move on. Weird, I know, but so am I.

    Obvs, I have no idea putting in the workouts, so I’m spending time figuring out the food stuff. I tried the intuitive thing, but I have come to terms that I know how to maintain that way, but I can’t lose that way (as losing weight is uncomfortable, the very nature of creating a deficit between the calories we take in and use is to disrupt the status in our bodies). The really, really challenging part is to create a small enough deficit that we do not freak out and/or shut down (that’s not a pretty sight – I know when that happens as I feel like something besides myself picks me up and feeds me the first things I find in the kitchen), but that when on occasion we treat ourselves to an indulgent day, it doesn’t undo all that progress.

    If the numbers makes you crazy, then you have to focus on the habits. Maybe you need to go back to the beginning, starting fresh, and really focus on the principles. Maybe you’re stress eating more than you realize? If you found success at the beginning of the process, maybe you need to go back there?

    This mini-novel has been brought to you by a slightly dead Friday at work… 🙂

  26. Do you read GoKaleo. She posted the following on her facebook page a little while back and I swear I’ve read it and re-read it 10x since. It really inspires me to reframe my own weight gain when I stopped restricting:

    “Sometimes when people stop dieting they gain weight, and may fixate on that as evidence that they’ve failed…but to do that they have to gloss over improved health, hair and nails that are growing again, periods that have stabilized (or returned!), improved thyroid function, increased energy levels, better sleep, strength and endurance improvements, and the roaring return of LIBIDO.”

    • Adding to this – I was JUST going to post about the Go Kaleo site. I’ve been binge-reading it like crazy, and it makes SO MUCH SENSE. Another great one that she links to sometimes is Matt Stone’s 180 Degree Health. There’s a lot of data about how long-term food restriction can depress your metabolism, and that in order to heal that, you might gain some weight for a while. That often happens on IE, but – here’s what I thought was so interesting – sometimes people who have restricted for a long time have sort of “broken” their hunger signals, and eating intuitively STILL won’t give them enough calories *raising my hand on that one.*

      I would totally check out both those sites if I were you. 🙂

      • Argh, can’t edit – “you” meaning Charlotte, since Jess, you’re already familiar with the site. 🙂

  27. I don’t think either you or ie have failed at all. The way I have understood ie is that it doesn’t promise weight stability at a socially desirable point and it doesn’t protect from weight gain or loses as we get older or our lives change, but for me it has brought peace around food and my body to an extent I didn’t think was possible. It is truly difficult to accept the body I have at this moment, second by second and not live in relation (or reaction) to the body I had, or the body I want but it has been so deeply worthwhile.

    you are good enough just as you are.

    x

  28. In all honesty, I think that perhaps you were fighting to keep your body at a weight and body fat percentage that was too low for your frame. Over time you have gone to a more natural for you, maintainable weight. And as a gentle but firm voice of reason, I have to be that person who has seen recent pictures of you and shake my head at the continued fixation on weight. Maybe it’s just me being a rapidly gaining pregnant person who can’t work out vigorously right now, but you look so great and no different to me than a year ago. I have read you forever and know all about your ED past, as I have my own, but I would just go back to eating naturally and intuitively as you did pre-move and continue moderate healthy exercise as you do. I guess I’m asking, what are you trying to accomplish? What do you want from your body, and what will a lower number on the scale really mean? You are not overweight, out of shape, or unable to do things you want to accomplish. Please throw out that scale and resist the urge to step in it again, as over the years I’ve never seen any good come out of it for you. The number means little if anything. I’d suggest cleaning up the extra treats and too much eating out, but I feel like you have to spend at least 85% of your life eating right and adhering to an exercise routine. Maybe you were 95% before and weighed less, but were you really any happier then for that extra effort? I don’t remember you being so by your posts. Please cut yourself a bit of a break, you are so lovely and it pains me to think a few extra pounds is troubling you.

  29. Thanks for the shout out. I feel super special to be mentioned in a post. I love your blog. Hopefully we can get are kids together soon. Feel free to email me.

  30. Option 2. Fo’ sho’. I think you were originally treating intuitive eating like an “intuitive eating diet”. Now you’re doing it right. And maybe this is your happy weight? How did you determine your 18 lbs lighter weight was your happy weight? I’m 5’6″ and find that 150 is my happy weight. At that weight, if I restrict, weight is slow to come off. If I overeat, or indulge a little too frequently, I gain little or nothing. It’s like my body wants to be here and I have to fight really hard to gain or lose. Compared with 175 and 200 lbs when I was literally overeating all the time, or 115 and 135 lbs when I had to be extremely diligent and restrictive to maintain that weight, and the slightest “failures” resulted in easy weight gains. So even though I’d “rather” be more like 135-140, I think my body has other plans, and I’m okay with that. Food for thought. 🙂 Keep fighting the good fight!

  31. Echoing what’s already been said. So much stress for you and the whole fam this year. We just moved 2 miles up the street, and that was stressful enough. Could not imagine moving across a few states and then living in a hotel. Once you are feeling settled and back into a good routine, including your healthy home cooked meals, things will happen. Just go with it – no restricting required. It’s going to be okay!

  32. SO much going on for you Charlotte!! NO – you are NOT a failure & none of us are failures – we make mistakes & learn from them. I have had to learn to tell myself that & learn that otherwise I would think I ma a failure for the many mistakes I have made along the way & still do!

    I know there are so many IE fans… I think is can be semantics at times.. I am not an IE person.. I am mindful eater meaning I pay attention to what I eat & how I feel & don’t eat if I am full.. BUT even if I am hungry, I try to understand if it is lack of water or how hungry or what.. AND I am one that does pay attention without major logging of my food – I like to know my approximate calorie count & the make up of it in terms of protein,m fat, carbs. I logged years ago but as I made changes thru the years, I was able to figure out that part without logging but just knowing the make up of foods I added or took out.. I know people hate to hear this but for me, this is how I have kept my weight off & survived thru the hormone change…

    As for losing those pounds.. how important is it to you & what would you have to do to get there. I say openly that I work way harder than most would to look the way I do – it is hard.. I may not do this some day & settle for less.. but if it is too hard & too much for what works in your life, be happy with you now. If it is not enough for you, you may have to put in more time or be more diligent but then again, if one has a food disorder & not sure you do, this can derail a person into bad habits… do what you know in your heart is right & HEALTHY for you! 🙂

  33. You did not fail. Intuitive eating did not fail. My child, I absolve you from all guilt.

    Intuitive ANYTHING takes a ton of rational effort: listening to your body, tuning out distracting signals, and paying attention to tiny cues that you’ve spent a lifetime overlooking. It’s not surprising that, with everything going on lately, you’d miss those cues and signals. (Don’t forget that “moving” only labels one part of the stress: you have all the planning and settling in and transitioning to account for, too.)

    I have no doubt that you’ll get back to a place where you’re happy with your weight, with your body, all of that stuff. It might take a while, but once you get the chance to slow down and listen again–to really pay attention–you’ll pick up right where you left off.

  34. I have recently gone through something similar. A few years ago, I started gaining weight. And although I had gotten to a healthy place with my eating and exercise habits, I couldn’t seem to turn the weight gain around. I went to the doctor (three doctors, actually, and I heard just a SLEW of condescending statements in return, in lieu of actual help), I started restricting my eating, and I fell down this awful rabbit hole of self-loathing and disordered eating.
    Ugh.
    I’m turning myself back around – that is, I’m turning my heart and mind around, the weight is intractable – but I was shocked at how quickly and completely I could lose all the ground I’d gained, mental-health-wise. It was worse than the weight. I know that’s a stupid statement, because DUH, it’s worse than gaining weight to be tortured emotionally, but yeah. I really hate the weight. I am 42 years old, and it’s exhausting to think that I have not grown past this even now.
    I firmly believe that there is SOMETHING that happens to a woman Of A Certain Age (by which I mean mid 30s to late 40s), that medical science hasn’t caught up with. It is fiercely discouraging to try to navigate whatever is happening to my body, because doctors insist there is nothing wrong, despite the fact that I FEEL DIFFERENT and my body is FUNCTIONING DIFFERENTLY.
    Sorry for the novel in your combox. Hot topic for me, much?
    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I hope you find peace. I hope we all do.

  35. I’ve been a long time follower of I.E. and from what I lean red it was never meant to be a weight loss plan. It wasn’t even real supposed to make anyone lose weight.

    The way I approached it was as a plan to stabilize and have a healthy relationship with food. Once that’s happened then other steps can be taken to facilitate weight loss and fat level maintenance. So it’s not really about weight loss, but rather setting the foundation towards healthier eating habits and longer lasting weight loss if you decide to go that route.

  36. i always read your blog,i too have conquered exercise addiction and its one of the hardest lonelist things ive ever done i dont feel so alone with people like you about,battle on ,its the size of life that matters 🙂

  37. Honey. You said it yourself: moving is up there on the stress list, and you’ve had a LOT of it. Possibly more than my divorce has given me, and it was an ugly, brutal one (and I am carrying the 10+ pounds that prove it).

    So I’m there with you. And guess what? I’m trying to wear it proudly. Yeah, this is my divorce weight and it’ll come off when the time is right. I look like hell … because I spent way too long there and I’m still not sure what freedom looks like to my body.

    And I’ll tell you one thing: now that it’s over, now that getting to the gym is a daily struggle thanks to the demands of starting my own business and being almost full-time single parent, my workouts feel SO much better. There’s less of a feeling of doing it merely because it’s what I do and more of a “Man, I needed that” gratitude.

    Hang tight. Work the program — whatever that is — without letting it work you. But mostly, be kind to yourself.

  38. You know, reading this reminded me of a conversation I once had with my grandma. One day we were looking at old photographs from when she was young. She hadn’t looked at them in a long time and one caught her eye. She looked surprised and she said, “I was really thin.” I could tell she was seeing herself with fresh eyes and that the image she now saw in an unbiased way did not match up with her internal memory of that time. She thought for a moment and she added, “I wish I could have back all the time I’ve wasted–wasted–on my thighs.” That moment really hit home for me. I have always struggled with body image issues and if I’m being truthful, tend toward EDs. I can’t say that I still don’t worry about it and that I truly like the way I look all the time. I do know that at the end of the day, it does not matter. In the scheme of life, it does not matter if you are 5 or 20 pounds away from your ideal. It matters that you are happy and healthy and strong and have a good relationship with food. In the end, we will not be reflecting on our lives and wishing we had been more strict with our diets so that we were closer to perfect, we will be more like my grandma, wishing we hadn’t spent so much time on it, indulging in so much energy and self-hatred instead of embracing ourselves for who we are. Be happy Charlotte.

  39. Try to continue with IE, accept your weight gain, and stress less! You have all the answers. IE is much more than eating what you want; it is an holistic perspective! You need to sleep, take care of yourself, eat mindfully, etc. Get back to that!

    But please, do not ever go back to restricting your diet. I will have to stop reading your blog and erase the link on my computer, since I am not the mother of a teenager with ED – and therefore there can be nothing related to dieting in our house or on our computers!

    You are a mother yourself. Be responsible. Be a role model. Make sure your kids do not develop ED! Therefore continue with IE! For their – and all other children in the world’s – sake!

    I promise you. It is tough struggling with ED yourself, but it is NOTHING compared to seeing your teenager son doing it! Nothing.

    Please, do not go back to dieting!

  40. * now, not not *
    I am NOW the mother of a teenager with ED

  41. I can’t really add much to this comment section that hasn’t already been said. I agree with everything that has been said, though I also understand that knowing this and understanding it is far easier than being comfortable with it and accepting it. There’s not really anything anyone can say to help with that (which sounds like a downer comment, but its true.) You’ve got the strength and the willpower to not let this send you sprialing downward though. I have no experience with “official IE”, but you’re a pro!!

    I also want to scream that this: ” I lack the willpower to do anything more. Restricting anything, even a little bit, now causes a major mental pushback.” IS A HUGE accomplishment. THAT right there is the best part of this post. I mean…can you imagine yourself saying that five years ago? NO. That seems to be the takeaway from IE for you; IE works. It has improved your mind. Right?

  42. As someone who has only been an Intuitive Eater the last few months it is interesting to read your perspective. One of the very first things I read about IE again and again is to never ever weigh yourself again and I think whilst it may be hard to do is definitely a necessary step. I echo everyone else’s sentiments about you being extra stressed from moving and life lately.

  43. What you have is a blip on your radar, Charlotte. Life is not static. YOU KNOW THAT, silly goose. You’ve have a huge upheaval-y kind of year. You’ve probably just had enough change for awhile. Give it some time, put it out of your everlovin’ mind and focus on being the great mom, the touching, funny, poignant writer, the loving wife, the spiritual person, and the human that you are. We are all of us human, Charlotte. None of us are robots. We don’t fail. We are refined by our trials and become better humans because of them. Weight, though it SEEMS important, is one of the least important things we as humans should be defined by. Just keep eating as healthfully as you feel you can right now, and let the rest go. Breathe, and soon the kids will be back in school and you should have a little more time to yourself to sort through the changes you’ve endured. (You should do a little research about grief and weight gain. You’ve lost much in this last year, and I don’t just mean friends in death. You probably need to grieve a little or maybe you are in the middle of grieving. Just a thought; I know I don’t know you.) Many hugs and kind thoughts you way, though. Not. A. Failure, OK?

  44. I don’t know what the answer is but youre a beautiful, awesome and inspiring lady!!

  45. Just echoing the rest – I am going through major body remorse, also triggered by my almost-annual trip to the doctor and yearly weigh-in. I know I’ve gained 15-20 lbs. since starting IE, and although I’ve gone through periods of overeating, even when I feel like I’m really “honoring my hunger” the weight’s not falling off like my secret dream.

    The whole thing is disheartening because because I so so so want IE to work, and like you, the thought of restricting seems impossible now.

    I think when I stopped restricting it put me in a free-fall and forced me to face all of my body-image fears. In the past, I could always fall back on a diet when I felt bad about my body. Now I’ve got nowhere to go but me. Some days I’m better than others. But lately I’ve been in the dumps. There are millions of people who feel this way…can we help each other out of it?

    • Hi Erika- Just wanted to send you a hug. I recovered from my food issues using IE and it wasn’t a magic plan….it was scary to sit with my emotions….but so healthy for me to break the vicious cycle. You can do this.

  46. Remove ‘FAILURE’ out of your vocabulary….NOW. Because you have not failed at anything. IE worked. That’s the beauty of IE. There are no B&W rules that if not followed will equal a failure. They are guidelines/suggestions that help you heal.

    IE is still working for you….you aren’t restricting which is very healthy. Just pack away all those tight clothes, re-read Geneen’s books, be kind to yourself and heal from the stress of the past 4 months. You will recover. I believe in you.

    • Love your comment here. In fact, I love practically every comment posted on this topic.

      Getting rid of the tight clothes was very helpful for me. It was hard at first, but as time went on my IE kicked in again. Yes I weigh more than I did 6 years ago, but I have stabilised and I don’t think about my weight and shape 24/7. That is a good thing!!!

      • I threw out all my tight clothes because I would routinely use them as punishment. I also weigh more than I did 8 years ago. I am almost at my pre-weight-watchers-binge-eating-nightmare days but am still 2 sizes smaller because of my workout routine(traded heavy cardio for heavy weights). But the best part is losing the 100lbs of mental and physical baggage that goes along with restricting and dieting. ugh. makes me cringe even typing it out! 🙂 IE is a long process (took me 2+ years to finally dig out of the hole my ED threw me in…and then years of practice not jumping back in!). …I could go on and on! 🙂 So glad you are at a better place Laura!!

  47. I’m thinking about stress. Did something happen in your life when you started gaining those pounds? In my experience, it’s really hard to stick to anything that requires being more or less mindful all the time if you’re stressed out.

    Also, are you pushing yourself too hard professionally or otherwise? You also need to take into account the fact that you’ve just moved and lost all your friends.. that can’t be easy.

    Anyways, I hope you don’t go cuckoo! 🙂

  48. DAMN
    I lost my comment when I read SATU’s
    My thought as well.
    the stress of the move.
    (if youre me..) the accompanying stress of pushing yourself to get out there and meeet people!!! etc.

  49. After my last struggle with my eating disorder, I moved into IE (without really thinking about it), gained to my “equilibrium weight” and stuck there, eating what I liked, not being hungry, and not looking at the scale obsessively. I was happy relieved to be eating like a normal person without having to fear getting fat from doing so. Then I went though a stressful life event– my feline companion of 15 years got sick– and gained a bunch of weight. I felt disgusting. So when my cat died, I fell into been a 2 year downward spiral into the worst my eating disorder has ever been and the longest time I’ve spent at a very unhealthy weight.
    Your weight gain is from stress. If you let it trap you into guilt and negative body thoughts, you risk swinging too far the other way. I beat myself up over that stress-induced weight gain so when I was too grief-stricken to eat and started losing weight the amazing feeling of relief and accomplishment fed into majorly unhealthy behavior. Recovery is about being happy with where you are, not an “ideal” in your head.

  50. This is a wonderful, brave post.
    I too have gained weight recently, after years of restriction, but feel immensely better and more free. But I don’t LOVE the way I look at all.

    I think people assume IE means you will get skinny, when really lots of us would be happier HEAVIER. Our bodies aren’t naturally size 0! Some of us are naturally pears with some hips and butt! And we need to LOVE that instead of loving the media’ version of beauty.

    Harder than it sounds.

    • well done,embrace health! me too after years of restriction and being unhealthyily thin,its the size of ones life that matters

  51. Hi Charlotte – thanks for sharing this! I’ve actually been wanting to email you about this very thing. I’ve been eating intuitively for 10 years, and lost a needed 40 pounds over the first three years. In the last year and a half I’ve gained 15. Not muscle. It started with 10 lbs during a crazy 2-month period where I was finishing my dissertation while starting a new full-time job (and living off of licorice and coffee), and since it was an unusual period, I didn’t panic. I figured when I went back to normal, so would my eating habits and my weight. But now that things have been back to “normal” for over a year, I’ve actually gained another 5. I’ve also been considering returning to the basics of IE – maybe I’m being more impulsive with my eating, rather than introspective. Anyway, after reading this I think maybe it’s stress. I put “normal” in quotes up there because after that period, we moved halfway across the country and I haven’t been able to find work other than a few temporary part-time gigs. I never considered myself a stress eater, but perhaps the stress is clouding my mind-body connection. Anyway, thanks again, good luck with your path, and take care!

  52. My heart goes out to you. I’ve edited this comment so many times, because I really want to sympathize, and I honestly believe that health and happiness are the most important things, but I don’t want to write something that could be unintentionally triggering. If I said that I don’t feel disappointed if I’ve gained weight, and do a mental happy dance if I’ve lost, I’d be lying.

    Intellectually, I know how stupid that is. But at any particular moment, it can be a challenge. We’re born into a particular culture, and for various reasons our weight, rather than our achievements, our kindness, our curiosity, our intellect, the love we’re surrounded by, or even our levels of fitness, has seemed so important. Just when we think we’ve conquered the issue, but it keeps coming back. I have totally been there.

    In my case, I can say that when I’m happiest, I care the least. When I’m stressed out or unhappy, it’s most dangerous. As many others have pointed out, you’ve been under a lot of stress–moving, trying to find new fitness buddies, etc. Keep that in mind. (Right now I’ve been a bit stressed out and suffering all the consequences, so I really can sympathize.)

    I don’t know much about IE. Maybe it helped you in the past and isn’t relevant now, or maybe your body is more healthy at a higher weight. I’ve noticed that my weight has tended to fluctuate in a 10-20 pound range over the years, regardless of my eating habits or how healthy I’ve felt. So I agree with the comments that have said, you should probably not worry about it right now, just give it time. Focus on feeling healthy and setting fitness goals, regardless of weight. Honestly, in the photos you’ve posted, you look great.

    In six months, if you’re still not content with your body, maybe take another look at what’s going on. But don’t make yourself crazy over it. When I look back over my past, my regrets (and there are many) are about opportunities I didn’t take or stupid decisions I made. Honestly, I never think, “If I’d only been a bit thinner ten years ago, I’d be so much happier now!”

  53. I’ve had a similar experience. I started I.E. about 5 years ago and gradually lost 75lbs. I stabilize and then in the last year or so I’ve gained about 15lbs.

    I feel like my answer is a combination of #1 and #2. I also realize I had turned I.E. into a diet–making it a rigid set of rules. It was effective–and safer and saner than a typical diet–but required a level of discipline incongruent with true I.E.

    Adore your blog and your honesty!

  54. I’ve commented before when you started IE because that’s what I’ve been doing since freeing my mind roughly 18 years ago. I’ve been through 2 pregnancies and lots of life since, my weight has been up and down. Right now it’s exactly where it was before pregnancy no. 1 ten years ago! I feel though that IE is not about having a beautiful body, it’s as I said about freeing your mind! You could be on all sorts of diets, which as we all know don’t work, still be 18 lb heavier, and miserable! Instead you treat your body well, enjoy your food, and look good, if maybe a size larger. I hope you stick with it and not put pressure on yourself. I also second all the stress comments – my intuition is to eat and pad up a bit when stressed!

  55. Lady.

    You are okay.

    Weight changes; bodies change.
    We are not a fixed, predictable system of in/out (no matter what some jackasses may say).

    Are you still capable of doing the amazing things that your strong body did in Minnesota?
    Focus on that.
    You are strong.
    You are talented.
    You are brave.
    You are FIT, dammit!

    I think IE was a great experiment for you–it helped you let go of some of your food hang-ups, and it taught you to listen to your body. Keep listening.

    Don’t you go near a scale again–you are so much better and so much more than three numbers.

    Love you, lady, *and* those 18 pounds.

  56. Evolution has favored the heavier. For thousand of years humans faced periodic famines. Those who carried a few extra pounds survived to reproduce. Now that we no longer face food shortages our bodies still whisper to us to eat more of the things we like because they may not be around in abundance in the future.
    We try to fight this with logic, and fight it we must to some extent because other we would become blimp pilots prepared for a famine that will not come.
    That said, we all just do the best we can, get some exercise, try to eat right, stay away form the calorie dense food, the junk food, etc.
    Enjoy the good things in life, and don’t be to rough on yourself.

  57. I love you. Thank you.

    I’m pretty much in the same position (the moving and stress and sort of IE and weight gain that I wish were muscle but it isn’t). But can I be honest? I really WANT to fit back into those jeans that fit last spring. I don’t really feel good about myself. Because I’m not sure all my eating has been intuitive. Some of it has been emotional. And I want to get back into a routine of eating what my body does actually need and what feels best. I don’t know exactly how to do that, but I don’t want to be overly restrictive and I don’t want to be a freak about what I eat all the time. How do we have both?

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  59. Brava for being so honest. All of us who have been through similar experiences are grateful to hear that we are not alone. I am 15 pounds heavier than my long-standing equilibrium weight (which was right around BMI of 25), and officially overweight (BMI 27.5), and 25 pounds heavier than 3 years ago, which was following positive events including getting serious about weight-lifting.

    I don’t do diets or calorie counting either, but I do think that sudden weight gain signals an underlying dysfunction that I need to figure out to be healthier. Since gaining weight, I have noticed that my body isn’t as good with carbs and insulin, possibly early signs of metabolic syndrome, so I want to lose weight to improve my insulin sensitivity. Instead of calorie counting, I follow guidelines that I’ve picked up from reading (e.g., Rachel Cosgrove’s first book) and noticing what helps me eat moderately, and I try to eat more protein because I think it will help me get pregnant, and more veggies. Maybe it’s a variant of intuitive eating because I don’t feel deprived. I am pretty restrictive, but only because processed foods have started to seem gross to me. But it’s not like weight has come off effortlessly, but I have drifted down by about 5 pounds recently, and I think that I can keep it up for long enough to get back to a BMI of 25.

  60. Are you familiar with Body Love Wellness/Golda Poretsky? She has this post about intuitive eating and weight loss that made me feel like a huge weight (no pun intended) was lifted from my shoulders. http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2011/02/21/intuitive-eating-and-weight-loss/

    As she points out, Geneen Roth suggests without saying it outright that if you’re doing it “right” you’ll lose weight like she did. That is just not true for everyone. (Not that you expected to lose weight, but you did maintain for two years.) ALSO, why on earth should the measure of if IE is working be weight loss?? Shouldn’t it be how much less crazy you feel around food? How much freer you feel to just eat what sounds good? As we know, weight is not necessarily the best predictor of health (I’m saying this to me as much as I’m saying it to you.)

    For me, giving up dieting and trying to eat intuitively 100% works, in that I don’t binge eat anymore, because I have no reason to do so. I have no idea what my weight is. I’m working really hard on not caring.

    You’re awesome, keep it up!

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  62. Hi old friend!

    Oh boy do I feel your pain. Your IE is my Ancestral/paleo approach. I really really wanted to get thin with paleo, when I started it about 1+ yrs ago, and it didn’t happen. I did enjoy not counting calories and eating fat again, but those pounds did not melt away. But then I got even stricter earlier this year and steadily lost about 7 pounds. But it also involved me intermittent fasting pretty much every day (read: one main meal per day, plus nibbles) and quite a lot of exercising. I was so filled with anxiety even at my leanest because I knew that I couldn’t maintain that lifestyle.

    Sure enough, I gained back those 7 plus another 7 just for insurance, but it happened in small increments. Each increment, I’d go into hiding so I wouldn’t have to bore anyone with my repetitive self-loathing brain-vomit. I’m now at my highest weight in years and I’m trying to come to some terms with the likely fact that this is my new normal. Over-restricting over the past year (not to mention parts of the other decades of adulthood) has likely sent my body into “I’m holding on to every pound for the next time you starve me” mode. I don’t want this to be true, and now I’d be thrilled just to be back to where I started and not even super lean! Will this ridiculousness ever leave me? (or you?) Neither of us are overweight. We both just want to be thinNER. Here is a link to an article that popped into my inbox that actually made me cry. I think that you’ll be able to relate to it as I have. Hugs to you my friend. http://psychologyofeating.com/whats-perfectionism/
    (PS Paleo is the reason I haven’t blogged in a year- the philosophy runs totally contrary to all of my dietary ‘norms’ when I blogged!) xoxo

  63. Seems like Paleo and IF are all the rage these days. I did the IF thing for a while and got good results. My wife couldn’t stand me though because of the hangries. I tried paleo with good results after, but once I started eating carbs again, I was right up there with you!

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