Everything You (Never) Wanted to Know About Emotional Eating: What, How and Why You Should

watermelon

Watermelon is my favorite food. I love it like a love song, baby.

Several years ago a doctor friend asked me an interesting question. “What is emotional eating?”

I raised an eyebrow and wondered what kind of cyborg has to ask that question. I mean, who hasn’t tasted the sweet, sweet love of a warm cinnamon bun with cream cheese frosting and toasted walnuts and felt the same thrill as the first time a boy ran his thumb over the back of your hand? (Just me?? Awkward.) But before I bit his head off it occurred to me that I have a weird relationship with food, always have, and maybe there are other people out there who really don’t have any emotional attachments to food. Just because I’ve never met any doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Plus my doctor friend is kind and good-hearted, even if his asceticism sometimes impedes his rapport with the majority of us fallible humans.

So I answered with no snark, “Well I suppose it’s defined as eating for any reason other than physical hunger, primarily to fill an un-met psychological need.”

He sighed. “I know the definition. I just don’t understand how it works.” He told me about his severely obese patient who, in the doctor’s words, “was killing himself with food.” The good doc continued, “He says he eats to make himself feel better but it’s obvious that it doesn’t. Not physically for sure. And also not emotionally – he’s miserable.” Then he added, “Explain this to me! Why would anyone do this? And how can I help him see how bad it is?”

“I can’t explain someone else’s relationship to food,” I backpedaled.  (Can’t even explain my own half the time.) But I couldn’t let his question go either. It’s been years I’ve been mulling this one over. And now that he’s likely forgotten he ever asked for it, I’m ready to give him my answer. (Not my answer for his patient – just my answer for me.)

Emotional Eating is Not Irrational 

1. Physical basis. One of the first mistakes people make about emotional eating is assuming that it’s purely emotion driven. It’s not. There’s a very real physiological reason that food makes you feel better: carbohydrates, especially simple ones like sugar, work on your primary serotonin pathway. Serotonin is one of the neurochemicals that helps you feel happy and gives you a sense of well-being. Fat doesn’t work this way. Protein doesn’t work this way. But eating carbs makes you feel better. Science says so.

2. Mind-body connection. We feel things in our bodies. We get flutters in our stomachs when we’re nervous. We get headaches when we’re stressed. We get literal chest pain when experiencing a heartbreak. There is no way to separate our emotions from our bodies and therefore, to some level, all physical eating is emotional and vice versa.

3. Addiction. People sometimes equate chocolate with crack. They’re not wrong. In fact, they’re more right than they know. Lab rats given the choice between cocaine and sugar picked the sugar. Whole books have been written about how the salt-fat-sugar combo is so reinforcing (and so abused by the food industry).

Given all that, emotional eating makes a lot of sense, right? And yet it still gets a bad rap. But I don’t think it deserves it. Not only are there solid physical reasons why we do it, there are legitimate emotional reasons we do it. (More on those in a minute). And what I’ve discovered is that emotional eating only goes wrong when you stop eating emotionally. It’s when you turn off your emotions and go numb (like in a binge) or when you tell yourself that your emotions are bad or wrong and that you “shouldn’t” be feeling what you’re feeling. Then eating is suddenly an act of rebellion. When you start telling yourself that you’re a stupid fat slob or “Oooh this is so bad! I shouldn’t be doing this! I’m never going to eat ice cream again! (After I polish off this tub as a farewell to my favorite food!)” – Then you’re breaking the rules! Taking a stand! Damn the Man! Save the Empire! Except The Man is you. Which is what my doctor friend meant, I think, when he said his patient was killing himself with food. What is the ultimate act of rebellion against your circumstances if not suicide*?

I don’t think we need to stop eating emotionally. I think we need to stop eating rebelliously. Food is not bad. You don’t need to fight it.

How To Eat Emotionally

One of the things that was such a breakthrough for me with Intuitive Eating was realizing that a) food can be comforting b) good food should be comforting and c) that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay to eat when you’re not hungry and to eat to fill an emotional need. But there are ways to do that to make it easier and more (ful)filling for yourself.

(Okay, listen: I am NOT giving you yet another list of rules to follow that if you break them you’re a failure. These are simply guidelines that I’ve learned the hard way, through a lot of trial and error and tears, and I’d like to offer them to you. As a gift. Not as another thing to punish yourself with. A kindness.) 

1. Recognize what you’re doing. You can’t fill the need you’re needing filled if you won’t even acknowledge that need in the first place. You need to name the emotion. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m so so stressed out today” or “I’m sad and I want someone to comfort me.”

2. Recognize the difference between an emotion and a craving. Cravings wax and wane – it might be intense in that moment but you can willpower through a simple craving. Cravings will mostly go away when you get enough sleep and eat enough good fats and protein. But emotions get heavier the longer they’re ignored. They will keep pressing on you until you listen to them.

3. Treat yourself with kindness. I think this is what Geneen Roth meant when she titled her book “When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair.” She wasn’t telling you to just give up and resign yourself to eating the whole quart of ice cream. She’s telling you to treat yourself the way you would a friend. You wouldn’t tell them to stand at the freezer with a fork sneaking bites out of the tub and pretending no one can see them. You’d scoop it in a pretty bowl and give them a spoon and tell them to sit. Then you’d ask them if they were enjoying it, perhaps tell them why you bought that certain flavor, why you like it. You’d smile and feel happy that they were enjoying it. Now: Do all that for yourself. Be kind. No name calling. No shame. No guilt trips. And for the love of little green apples sit down.

4. Let it comfort you. Enjoy it. Savor it. Allow yourself to remember why you find this particular food so comforting – wrap yourself in the memory of your mother making the special birthday cake with the Jell-O in it, just for you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve eaten something looking for solace and then refused to let it make me feel better – because I was “bad” or wasn’t “supposed to” eat it or was too “fat” to deserve treats or whatever. Don’t do that. Be comforted. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to be comforted.

5. Recognize when the food has stopped being comforting. Warning: it happens fast. Everyone knows the feeling of scarfing down a package of cookies only to realize too late that you feel overly full and sick and awful. When you get to that point, you’re using food to abuse yourself (see end note about Binge Eating Disorder) and you don’t have to do that. But here’s the trick: you can’t recognize that point where it goes from “yummy this is amazing and I feel so good eating this” to “Ack, where did the rest of the package go I feel horrible” if you aren’t listening for it. Numb eating, unconscious eating, bored eating, distracted eating – not only is that not good for you, it’s also not any fun.

6. Do try other things. Food cannot be your only way of dealing with your emotions. Nor can exercise or talking to your sister or shopping or anything else in excess. It should be just one of many things in your toolkit. Once you de-stigmatize emotional eating you’ll realize that sometimes you really do need a warm slice of peach pie to feel taken care of… and sometimes you really do need a hug instead. (And acknowledge that sometimes it’s easier to just drop the money for the pie then it is to drop your defenses and ask for the hug. But if you eat the pie, you’ll still want the hug.) Have a wide range of coping techniques at your disposal. Write them down. (It sounds dumb, I know, but you forget in the moment that you have options.)

7. Don’t feel guilty and don’t let others make you feel guilty. Delicious food is not a guilty pleasure. It’s just a pleasure. Not very long ago, I was having a no-good-very-bad-terrible day. I grabbed a handful of jelly beans and went to my closet, sat on the floor, shut the door and began to eat them one by one in peace. Just as I was thinking “Oooh these are SO delicious! So fruity yet sour. So tangy yet sweet. So crunchy on the outside but chewy on the inside. WILLY WONKA YOU MINX!” the phone rang. I answered it. It was a friend who is a personal trainer that I’ve also been interviewing for an article. “Whatcha doing?” he asked. So I told him, straight out. “Sitting in my closet eating jelly beans.” I could feel his forehead crinkling in concern over the phone. “Let’s think this one through, Charlotte. Do you feel like you “deserve” the jelly beans as reward for your hard day? Because you deserve even more to be healthy.” I thought for a second. “Nope, I think I deserve both. Jelly beans and healthy don’t have to be mutually exclusive.” He coughed. “Well then are you trying to take care of yourself? Let’s think of other ways you can take care of yourself. Like get a pedi!” (Okay he actually said “get your toes done” which is hilarious on several levels but what he meant was a pedicure.) I thought longer about this one – mostly because I love pedis. Finally I said, “Actually, eating my fave food in peace and quiet does feel like exactly what I need to do to take of myself. Not to mention the fact that to get a pedi, I’d have to go a lot farther than my closet and hire a babysitter. So yeah, I’m good with this.” And I was. I didn’t feel like I was being held hostage by my emotions but rather that I was doing something simple, kind and comforting for myself. (For the record, I don’t think my trainer-friend understood it. I think he was still disappointed in me even after we finished our business and hung up. But I made the decision to let that feeling stay with him and not accept it for myself.)

Food Is Not a Moral Judgement

Remember: It’s not about denying yourself or indulging yourself. It’s about taking care of yourself. When it comes to eating you’re not “good” or “bad.” And food isn’t “good” or “bad” either. You’re eating and it’s food. Food is not a moral judgement. Does eating warm gingerbread with fresh whipped cream make you feel happy and loved? Good! I’m glad it does. There are so many hard edges in this life and I’m glad you found a soft corner.

All of this makes it sound like I’ve got this whole emotional eating thing all figured out. I so totally don’t. Which is why I’m now turning this over to you guys: What would you have said to my doctor friend? Do you have any tips for emotional eating? What did I miss?? Any foods you have a particular emotional attachment to?


In case anyone is wondering why I’m so emotionally attached to watermelon. (Poor quality video but the funny is SO worth it!)

Note about Binge Eating Disorder: All eating disorders are self-abuse. This doesn’t make you bad or guilty or shameful. It’s a clinical assessment. But you do deserve better than this. I say this from personal experience: Your eating disorder isn’t your friend, it’s not a part of you and – I’m not going to sugar coat this – it wants to destroy you. There are so many different components to this disorder – biological, genetic, sociological, environmental – so there is no way that this is just you being “bad.” You have to fight it. But to do that you first have to consider yourself worth fighting for. And if you can’t believe that yet, then let me tell you: you are. You are worth fighting for.

*NOT meant as an indictment or judgement of people who attempt or commit suicide.

73 Comments

  1. No comments yet? I feel special. Your post was exactly what I am thinking when I am eating intuitively, but as my natural tendencies are toward every form of eating besides the intuitive, I am grateful you displayed those thoughts so beautifully for me! I needed that reminder tonight after 2 days of emotional over-eating. No, it does not feel good nor does it satisfy the need, but it does serve a purpose and our humanness allows for it. I could sum up why your doctor friend couldn’t comprehend his obese patient in one little sentence, “There are people who eat to live and there are people who live to eat.” I’m sure you’ve heard that one. I’ve met those people who eat to live, but still enjoy their food. It seems as though that intuitive process comes naturally, without even thinking about it, while some of us must constantly remind ourselves that our emotions can have outlets other than food. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to learn how to improve our emotional tendencies, just as your doctor friend was striving to improve his ability to understand his patient’s thinking.

    • Oh Lisa! This: “my natural tendencies are toward every form of eating besides the intuitive,” is me too. I suspect it’s most of us. Kinda ironic that something so “intuitive” really doesn’t come very naturally…

  2. I don’t know about protein not upping serotonin levels…you don’t know the levels of happy my brain reaches when I eat a particularly delectable piece of sashimi. I’d rank it up there with chocolate, but it’s so much cheaper to emotionally eat my way through a bag of chocolate (even a high quality one) vs a huge expensive platter of sashimi grade fish.

    • Haha – well the chemical metabolism isn’t the same but I am SO with you about the joy delicious sashimi can bring!

  3. Science aside, I’m so tired of having guilt associated with food, among other things. I obviously have my own history and sound like a hypocrite, but at what point did we give food so much power over so many things? You can’t blink without reading about “intuitive eating,” “emotional eating,” “X diet for X personalities,” “good or bad food.” Somewhere along the way it became something to use and analyze instead of food and a pleasurable yet seemingly function experience. Sometimes eating jelly beans is just eating jelly beans, not some psychological rebellion against an issue. Then again, sometimes there’s much more behind it, as food can be used as a drug, as you point out.

    But as stated, I still have my own issues, but at some point you truly do have to see it for what it is–food–and figure out why there’s so much emotional attachment to it. Certain foods remind me of certain times and it makes me happy and nostalgic. Other times certain foods remind me of a bad time in my life. I suppose it depends on your motivation for noshing 😉

    • This: ” but at what point did we give food so much power over so many things? ” is probably the most important question related to this subject. And… I have no good answer for it:) I don’t know. I wish I knew. All I know is that food has been one of the most powerful forces in my life for as long as I can remember. Sigh.

  4. Do you ever wonder if some of the eating issues stem from the fact that so many times children are rewarded with food?
    Years ago, when I first started potty training my oldest son, we used M&Ms as rewards. It only took about a week before I realized that was not a good idea and we switched it up. I think that kids who are taught at a young age that food is a prize or reward could be more prone to emotional eating (just my personal theory).

    • I worked in pediatrics for many years, doing a type of noninvasive, non-painful testing that was nevertheless somewhat scary and stressful for my little patients, and the vast majority of parents used food as a reward. i.e. “If you cooperate for the nice lady and make it through this, afterwards we’ll get McDonalds/ice cream/candy from the gift shop.” I always used to joke that that was in fact why Americans are fat–we’re all taught from an early age that food is the best reward EVAH. But, honestly? I’m not convinced it’s bad. You DO need to provide rewards for kids sometimes. If you use the alternative of, say, new toys you run the risk, I guess, of turning them into shopping addicts w/ credit card debt problems. If you stick to praise–“you’re such a good boy/girl, I’m so proud of you…”–you run the risk that they’ll turn into approval junkies and people pleasers which is probably more damaging in the long run (said the semi-reformed people pleaser).

      I dunno. I think occasionally sitting in the closet eating jelly beans on a tough day is not the worst of all possible coping mechanisms.

    • It’s a good point and one I’ve struggled with with my own kids. I certainly don’t want to teach them to use food to stifle their feelings (you got teased? Here have some ice cream) or as outright bribery (most of the time. Sometimes I have to resort to bribery. I’m not proud.) BUT, food is inherently rewarding. It’s food. It sustains life. Technically you don’t have to teach kids that food is a reward – they learn that from birth. But what do we do with that power? I’m honestly not sure where the line lies… Being a parent is so much harder than I ever imagined.

  5. This is a really interesting way of thinking about emotional eating and I’ve never heard this perspective. I’ve always assumed emotional eating was inherently bad, that you should only eat when you’re physically hungry. I’ll definitely have to think about this as I reflect on my own eating

  6. Great post. When food has so many connotations and so much personal history for you it’s super hard to explain it to someone who doesn’t have that past. I can rationally tell my fiance that I can’t eat rice cakes because it makes me desperately want to count calories or that homemade pie makes it seem like everything is okay but he doesn’t get it. It’s a weird thing.

    Anyhow, even if you don’t have it all figured out (and come on, who does?) I think you’re doing awesome Charlotte! For me, I do okay with #1 and 2. It’s after that where I still struggle, especially #5. It’s so easy to think that if one brownie made me feel a little better, three or ten will make me feel great. Doesn’t quite work that way… I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past that. I feel like I have such an addictive personality that I don’t know if it’s physically possible for me to start eating emotionally and stop myself before things go horribly wrong. I’m working on it though.

    • I’m right with you about the addictive personality struggles. It’s a curse and a blessing… sometimes feels more like a curse, especially when it comes to food. Sigh.

  7. I think this is a great post! I used to work with an IE coach who would always say that we are never sabotaging ourselves when we overeat or eat emotionally; we are always just trying to get a need met, which is totally human. This opened up so much for me. I used to beat myself up, think that I’m bad, curse myself for having no willpower, etc. when I would eat something, like dessert, without actually being hungry. I thought I was going against IE or something. But realizing that I’m just trying to get my needs met changes everything. Now I can think, “Hmmm, I think I’m eating this popsicle just because I’m totally bored” and realize that I’m just trying to meet my need for fun. Then I can–rationally, non-judgmentally–decide if it’s really going to meet my need in that moment. Sometimes, it will. Other times, it won’t, and I should go play a game or read a book or watch a movie or something instead or else I’ll just keep eating more popsicles and leaving my need unmet. Now anytime I do anything that is often seen as “bad”, like throwing a temper tantrum or overeating or being mean to someone, I try to take a step back and see what need I’m trying to meet through that behavior so that I can assess if it’s really the best choice.

    • I love everything about this comment, Nicole! You basically summed up in one paragraph what it took me 2000 words to say, lol. I love that you learned this for yourself and that you are able to treat yourself with kindness and respect – thank you for sharing your story with me! Makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one who has to think about this stuff:)

      • Oh, but you said it so much prettier! I love your writing, and it always gets me thinking.

        No, you’re definitely not the only one who struggles with this stuff. I seem to do great for periods, then throw it all out the window, then do great for periods, then throw it all out the window again. But I guess that’s just life…you just keep trying and trying.

  8. It’s no wonder that the people in the U.S. are addicted to sugar and so many are overweight or obese. When the scientific research community told us years ago that fat was bad, we replaced fat with sugar. Look at the low fat versions of foods and they all have added carbohydrates to compensate for the removed fat. Now they tell us that fat, of the right kind, is good and carbohydrates are bad. But so many of us are already addicted to the carbohydrates that now we are eating carbs AND fat. You are right. Most foods are not good or bad. It is the excess, mindless eating of certain foods that isn’t so healthy. Sometimes that piece of chocolate or that jellybean is what we need to get through a stressful time.

    • That is so true – all of the scientific back and forth is enough to give a girl whiplash. Sigh.

      • I would just like to respond for the scientists and say that the science has actually not changed much as far as what is needed to maintain a healthy body. The cherry-picking, interpretation, and marketing of said science has. Example: research shows eating fatty fish reduces heart disease risk–>marketing explosion–>someone creates a fish oil extract pills–> science shows that extract in isolation does NOT have same effect as eating fatty fish –>people rage against science for “changing”. Fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean protein and exercise have been the mantra for a long, long time. But people want a get-thin-quick scheme so they ignore that and look for something that will let them “eat whatever they want”. Wake up: you can eat whatever you want NOW!

  9. You kind of categorize eating into two categories, eating for fuel and emotional eating. Personally, I would add a third category of numb or fog eating. For me, that is my biggest problem, grabbing a handful of food not because I am hungry or in an emotional crisis, but for something to do. Eating occupies my hands and my mouth and kind of gives my brain a break because it doesn’t take much thought.

    You said, “Numb eating, unconscious eating, bored eating, distracted eating – not only is that not good for you, it’s also not any fun.” My numb eating doesn’t’ even start as something constructive like emotional eating. it is totally without need or purpose. It takes work and conscious thought for me to resist grabbing that handful of cookies or almonds just for something to do.

    • This is such an important point. And I think you’re right about the need for a third category. For myself, I’ve found that this “numb eating” is the real soul killer for me because when I come out of the fog, that’s when I really feel like a failure:/ This: ” It takes work and conscious thought for me to resist grabbing that handful of cookies or almonds just for something to do” YES.

  10. It’s funny, everytime I read your blog I feel like you are articulating what I am thinking in a much better way than I could.
    I had an ED, I was bulimic. And then after that I binged. For a long time.
    It was only when I learned to make piece with emotional eating that the binges stopped. I was sitting in therapy one day and she told me that eating a plate of soba noodles with olive oil and nutritional yeast (a huge plate, and yes, I crave weird food sometimes) did not mean failure. And that it is natural to turn to foods we love sometimes.
    Recognizing that certain foods make me feel better sometimes, and that they are part of how I deal with my emotions, just like running, swimming and crafting, was eye opening.
    If I let a few slices of cheese heal me, I don’t feel the need to binge.
    Food should not be associated with guilt all the time.
    Thank you Charlotte

    • No, thank YOU Helene! I love this: “If I let a few slices of cheese heal me, I don’t feel the need to binge.” Thank you for sharing a part of your journey – and you’re right, it sounds so much like mine. Like so many of ours…

    • About:”Recognizing that certain foods make me feel better sometimes, and that they are part of how I deal with my emotions, just like running, swimming and crafting, was eye opening”

      This was eye-opening for me too! I remember about a year ago, I was talking to my husband, telling him I needed to get rid of my coping mechanisms like overeating or drinking because they were bad. He asked, “But aren’t sewing and running and watching movies and reading books technically coping mechanisms?” I was like, “Well, they’re GOOD though, so they’re not.” And he was like, “Well, no, if you were to sew or run or read so much it was negatively affecting your life, they would be ‘bad’ too.” It made me see that a lot of the things we do are technically ways of coping with life, and that they’re all okay, provided we’re not letting them take over our lives. Some people go for a run, some people eat a piece of cheese, some people eat a piece of cheese on their run. 🙂

  11. I, too, am SO tired of “good” and “bad” foods. I’m tired of watching women order salads at restaurants, even though they’re starving.
    When I was younger, I would go to restaurants by myself. I was working out a lot and also doing physical work for my job, so I could pack away quite a bit of food. I can’t tell you how many times a server would comment on it, and it always made me feel self-conscious and BAD. Because I was a woman, eating.
    I’m also tired of hearing that food should never be anything but fuel. If that were the case, we’d all subsist on berries, twigs, and raw meat. The fact is, we have pleasure centers in our brains that react to certain stimuli, and food is one of them. Why are there so many cookbooks, food magazines, and even entire TV networks devoted to food? And the simple fact is, as a mom, cooking meals for my kids is one of the ways I take care of them. Yes, I show my love partly through food.
    Just ask any kid who’d been neglected, who goes to bed hungry because their parents forgot to feed them (not because of economic issues, but because they simply didn’t remember), whether food is an expression of love and care.
    When someone comes over, we offer them food and/or drink. When someone dies, we give food to the family. It is absolutely a way to show someone that you love and care for them.
    As for personal trainers, well, they can be a bit rigid in their thinking, can’t they? Not that they’re bad, but they don’t always understand other mindsets. A few years ago I had a trainer get SO angry with me when I had to cancel a session because one of my kids was sick. She didn’t have kids, so she didn’t understand.
    Later, when i had my own clients tell me “I ate pie yesterday, I was so bad!” I made a point to ask if it was good pie. If it was, I told them I’m glad they enjoyed it, and that a life entirely without pie wasn’t worth living.
    Now, if only I could take my own advice. 🙂

    • I love that you used the example of how you care for your kids as their mother, with food. That is the most primal, and most moving example of this I think:) I also love how well you’ve worked through this yourself and how willing you are to help others that cross your path!

    • About “When I was younger, I would go to restaurants by myself. I was working out a lot and also doing physical work for my job, so I could pack away quite a bit of food. I can’t tell you how many times a server would comment on it, and it always made me feel self-conscious and BAD. Because I was a woman, eating.”

      I’ve often experienced the opposite. My job always celebrates birthdays and anniversaries and when it’s yours, you get to pick your cake. I have a very different palate than most of my coworkers, and so I typically don’t want what they pick, so I say no thanks when I’m offered a slice. Plus, I’m not big on eating cake right after I ate lunch anyway, especially since I usually have a way better dessert at home that I’m planning on eating after dinner. Every single time, people make comments about me not eating cake. One will comment, “Just have a little slice!” and then another chimes in, “Well if you don’t want cake, we have some cookies instead” and then another one adds, “Just take a slice and wrap up what you don’t eat and take it home.” It’s so frustrating! Just because I don’t want a piece of cake doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you because you do want cake. I’ve actually spoken to the worst commenter and told her that I wish she wouldn’t care so much about what I’m eating or not eating (she looks at what I eat for lunch every single day and comments on it). I’ve finally decided that I just have to continue to be polite and say “no thanks” when they start making comments and realize that their comments are more about THEM than about ME.

      • We can’t win either way, can we? It’s a great thing that you asked the commenter to stop.
        I just wish we could all eat (or not) in peace. Unless someone is harming themselves or someone else, the comments don’t help.

  12. First of all, this is BOOK MATERIAL. Really!

    This message can help many… Please consider!
    “How To NOT Overcome Emotional Eating and Gain Freedom from the Tyranny of Food in your Life” or “Rebel against Rebellious Eating and Make Peace With Comfort Food”
    I don’t know. Something like that.

    What I would have said to that Dr, in any case of morbid obesity is something like this:

    “He’s NOT emotional eating. He’s an addict. Do you understand alcoholism? Of course not, but it’s the same thing. Now try telling an alcoholic to sensibly drink three drinks a day.”

    I think that too many morbidly obese people try and shrug off a legit food addiction with the “I just love food” or “food makes me feel better” but they have gone well beyond the scope of emotional eating and they need to take drastic measures.

    For them, there may never be a comforting piece of pie or cookie in their future just like an alcoholic has to accept the fact there will be NO alcohol in their future. Some food addicts must avoid sugar and flour to obtain abstinence and commit to that for a lifetime.

    • First, thanks for the book idea! I’m still mulling over what my next book move should be… So I appreciate the encouragment!! Second, the idea of food addiction is hotly debated but I tend to agree with you. My gut (and my addictive personality) tell me it’s real – and really damaging. There is so much more research that needs to be done in this area!

  13. I can-NOT believe how timely this is. Last night I was online looking up “compulsive eating” as I am in the firm clutches of something I’m not sure I can control. I found this interesting article and though its from 2010, it made my mess scientific and shed some light on it. If you’re interested….
    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100328170243.htm

    Also, I am in awe at how often your posts are “so timely” I feel I’ve said commented on that several times before. Thanks for being in tune…. 🙂

    • I remember this study! It’s a game changer and I don’t know why more people aren’t discussing this aspect of eating. And thank you for the kind compliment – you know I’m only in tune because I’m going through all this too! So many of us are… Upside: you’re definitely not alone!!

  14. Thanks Charlotte. I really needed this today. I’ve been trying so hard to quit my BED-and thought I was finally making progress in the last couple weeks-but have backslid in the last few days and have felt like maybe I would never beat it. It’s hard to keep trying but keep falling back.
    However, I never thought of it as self-abuse before. I was upset yesterday because I was frustrated that BED is not as ‘glamorous’ as anorexia and that I don’t want to ask for help or talk about it because I get the impression that no one feels bad or can have sympathy for someone suffering from binge eating/compulsive overeating, even though it feels like torture to me. But you’re right, it’s exactly the same as any other eating disorder; it’s me hurting myself through the amount of food I put in my body.
    Also, it’s always felt so much like binge eating is this problem I have and that it was a part of me that I wasn’t sure how to get rid of. But you’re right, it’s not. It’s not me and it’s trying to destroy me. I’m not going to let it and I’m going to get rid of it.

    On a (lighter?) related note, I’ve struggled with the idea that ‘food is just food’ as well, but because I can and have truly enjoyed food as something of an art form, unrelated to emotion or nourishment. I enjoy cooking and baking as creative pursuits and consider myself somewhat of a foodie, but I’m not sure how to both see food as something necessary for survival but something that can be enjoyed in this way. Thoughts?

    I’m sorry this is such a long comment! I was literally searching the internet-again-for help with beating this and thought, “I haven’t read TGFE in a few days. I wonder what Charlotte is up to?” Thank you for your words and I am sure I will come back to this post.

    Thanks again Charlotte-

    • “BED is not as glamorous as anorexia and that I don’t want to ask for help or talk about it because I get the impression that no one feels bad or can have sympathy for someone suffering from binge eating/compulsive overeating, even though it feels like torture to me.” This comment sums up a lot of what I have been experiencing lately and i really appreciate hearing it from someone else!

      Also I love what you and Charlotte said about its not who you are or a part of you.

      Thank-you for your thoughts. They have brought a lot of peace.

    • ((huge)) hugs Emily! BED is every bit as much an ED as anorexia or bulimia. In fact, like I’ve mentioned before – a lot of us cycle between EDs. Kudos to you for recognizing what’s going on in your mind and body. And I’m so glad that what I wrote can help you a little bit. For me, nothing changed with my ED “voices” until I decided they were not me and that they were the enemy. And I’ve been fighting them (with varying degrees of success) ever since. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story here – I know you have helped people with your openness! (See Liz’s comment below for proof:))

    • Emily–I personally believe a big part of ending something like this is about realizing the reasons why you’re doing it in the first place and creating awareness. I can’t tell you how much this PDF has changed my thinking and my life: http://thelifecoachschool.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Self-Coach-101-eBook.pdf

  15. I suddenly have a desire to watch Empire Records! “Don’t call me Warren!”

    Please please please consider writing a book on emotional eating. Outside of Geneen Roth, Evelyn Tribole, and Elyse Resch you write the most compassionate and kind blog entries on the subject (intuitive eating AND emotional eating). I remember once telling a woman how I was craving cheese cake for most of a week (thank you Golden Girls) and I bought a slice, sat down, and enjoyed it fully. I was so proud of my intuitive eating accomplishment, I was floored when she responded similarly to your personal trainer friend. I was supposed to find some other non-food activity to engage in instead of eating the cheesecake. Not all emotional eating is bad, but the line is so fine, many people fear to cross it.

    As for your Doctor friend? I’m not sure what to say except that his patient was probably aware what he was doing and he either 1) didn’t know how to stop it or 2) wasn’t aware of how much he was eating AND until the patient could see what was going on, there wasn’t really anything the doctor could say about it. No one really knows what was going on in the patient’s life, and I wonder if maybe your friend could connect with his patient, learn more on why he was overeating (was he just eating too much or are there other issues?), then could figure out the best way to reach his patient. This is all armchair psychology however! 🙂

    • Ah you I love armchair psychology! One of my fave pasttimes:)) And thanks for the kind words about my posts – I’m afraid that I’m not a doctor or nutritionist or even all that sane though, so I worry about writing a book that sounds too advice-y. Does that make any sense? But you’re the 3rd person to bring that up so maybe I can figure out a way? Either way I’m super flattered – thank you for your confidence in me!

  16. Thanks for a great blog post. Would love to hear more about it! Do you have any further book recommendations or resources in the twin cities metro area?

  17. One of the biggest breakthroughs I ever had was understanding that the purpose of healthy eating is to satisfy our desires, both physical and emotional.

    Understanding this made me realize that I kept eating because what I was eating wasn’t satisfying my desires. Once I understood what I really wanted, it was much easier to satisfy myself. When I had trouble understanding what I wanted, it was like trying to fulfill an endless pit.

    • This: “Once I understood what I really wanted, it was much easier to satisfy myself. ” is SUCH an important statement. It sounds so simple in theory but, like you pointed out, learning how to do it can be tricky – especially in a world that encourages all kinds of false desires and then tries to sell us ways to fill them. Thanks for putting it so well!!

  18. I wouldn’t eat that watermelon…

    Great post.

  19. I realize this isn’t the point of your post, but this “even if his asceticism sometimes impedes his rapport with the majority of us fallible humans.” WOW, Charlotte. Now THAT is an elegantly crafted sentence. Your ENglish teachers would be proud.

    Also? I love watermelon. I can put down one of those mini ones as a snack. Mini = 1 serving, no?

    • Haha – I wondered if that was too many “10 dollar words” in one sentence but then I thought, “To heck with that! There’s no way I’m wasting all those years I spent reading the dictionary.” No seriously, I was that big of a nerd.

  20. One more thing – science never lies. Have you read Fat Chance yet? Dr. Lustig, he of the “sugar is the devil” youtube video wrote a whole book about the physiology of sugar (and other carbs and protein and fats) and how they affect us physiologically and emotionally and physically. It’s truly a nerd’s delight, this book. I am almost done reading it, and I feel like I need to read it again to soak up all the good in it!

    • whaaat?! I didn’t know Dr. Lustig had a book out! (Or maybe I did and I just forgot – my brain is a sieve these days). I MUST read it!!

  21. Haha – thanks! I don’t know that he was really listening to me anyhow…;)

  22. I don’t normally comment on blogs – but I feel like I really need to for this one! This was just what I needed to hear! Honestly, I try not to use food as a comfort too often – but I hate that guilty feeling I get when I d! After reading this, I’m really going to try to think about how I feel afterwards and if I should be feeling guilty – or just enjoy that little treat for what it is and move on! 🙂 Thank you!!

    • Aw thank you Wendy! So glad you found it helpful today – that means a lot to me! And thanks for your sweet comment:)

  23. I think #4 is so important. I still tend to categorize certain foods as “bad” – such as dessert – but lately I’ve made a habit of really savoring them when I eat them. People have actually commented on how seriously I am concentrating on my dessert when I’m at a restaurant because I will close my eyes and focus on the taste, smell, texture, etc. For me personally I have a lot less guilt about eating when I’m not mindlessly inhaling my food.

    • See, now I wish I could see you eat at a restaurant! (Creepy? Me??) I love this: “For me personally I have a lot less guilt about eating when I’m not mindlessly inhaling my food.” TRUE.

  24. Love, love this post. Thank you for it! I think I am slowly coming to this awareness and acceptance, but it takes some effort not to always feel guilty for the ‘unnecessary’ eating, and to slow down and enjoy it!

  25. There is so much thought, intelligence and caring in this. Thanks 🙂
    I am often amazed at people who are simply indifferent to food and one of the hardest parts of maintaining my healthy weight now is to try and be “real” with food. Because, like you, I love good food, and yes it *can* make me happy…and there’s nothing wrong with that sometimes. A little joy or indulgence can be just what you need. I’m not a dog who needs a food reward, but if you try and tell me that a crisp glass of pear cider with a lemon tart isn’t just this side of heaven, I’d have to disagree 🙂
    Having just come back from a holiday visiting friends foodie friends and being in a city with incredible food I know there is no way I could eat the way I did while away every day, and so I enjoyed things a little as a suppliment to life.
    In the end, food is just food. And life is som much more 🙂

  26. “WILLY WONKA YOU MINX!”
    Haha, Charlotte, I love you. 🙂

    About food: starting in mid-childhood and through many of my teen years, my family was struggling financially. We were often hungry – not starving, just a light, pretty constant undercurrent of hunger. Fruits and vegetables and milk were (still are) the most expensive, so for instance we only had canned soups that required milk on Sundays, and unless our garden provided things (scanty southern dirt in the beginning didn’t always yield much – it’s bounteous and well fertilized now, though) we didn’t have much in the way of fresh things. (My mother, poor woman, occasionally tried to buy a bunch of grapes as a special treat for herself, but though we weren’t supposed to touch them, somehow they’d always vanish before she got many.) Anyway, because of that, even now I always feel wonderfully lucky when I make myself a huge crisp crunchy salad. Or get a box of blueberries, just to munch on! Or strawberries! Food was always a wonderful event for us, and now we are all very good cooks and love having each other over for dinner. I have such good food memories: hunger adds a special spice, so even now I can close my eyes and remember exactly what a certain treat we’d make taste like; a baked tray of molasses and oatmeal (cheap ingredients, but oh yum). Or those ever-so-rare corn dogs, dipped in mustard…
    Anyway, for all of us, food is something I – and all of my family – REJOICE in, from salads to cheap fast food french fries to smoked salmon and goat cheese. And we love sharing it with each other.
    PS. The only thing I can’t stand is those red delicious apples. One winter my dad or mother found some way to get bags and bags of them for almost nothing, and because we were hungry, we ate them day in and day out. But those are seriously nasty apples, and those were the extra cheap ones, so to this day I look at them and shudder. All other apples are great, but a shiny red one with thick skin and that nasty mealy inside…. ugh.

    Wow, I got seriously long here, sorry. But it makes me sad to think of people treating food – FOOD! – like the enemy, and it’s just so pointless and cruel to themselves.
    Novel over. 🙂

  27. I love your post, Charlotte. A friend and I are actually creating an audio program about mindful/intuitive and emotional eating because this is a huge passion of mine. I agree with you that it’s key to simply recognize when we are eating emotionally and have a little grace for ourselves. However, I do think that a very large majority of the time, we end up using food to numb and just disconnect from our emotions. As you said, that’s obviously not healthy. Because of that, I recommend that as we raise our awareness of emotional eating, we also start to think about what would actually meet our emotional needs in that moment–because most of the time it actually isn’t food–and learn to reach for these things. In my experience, those other behaviors tend to meet our emotional needs better in the long-run (even if food may satisfy just as well in the moment). Thoughts?.

  28. I think you’re correct in your musings on emotional eating. The doctor wants there to be some logical, medical explanation for his patient’s behavior, but he should know that’s not how it works. His patient is a person and we all come with emotional and other baggage (perhaps a failing in how doctors are trained to think of a logical medical, solvable problem all the time.)
    I tell my clients that “food is a gift, meant to be shared in joy”. To me it’s a gift from God (or Nature as you please), meant to nourish us physically and emotionally, as well as nourish our relationships with each other. Food is not something to torture ourselves or others with, it is not something to judge ourselves or others by. Yet that’s what we do; we condition ourselves socially (in America anyway), it’s simply one more way in which we judge others (or rather are able to judge ourselves superior to others). This tendency has strong roots in our Puritanical past – that there is only good and bad; if you’re enjoying yourself, you must be doing something wrong because salvation only comes through suffering, so forth – and whether or not we associate it with religion now, we still very much have this tendency in our culture. Not to blame it entirely on religion, but we make food moral allowing us to feel bad things about it.
    It’s not the food we’ve allowed to have power over us, it’s our reactions to others trying to hold power over us. I do my best to help clients make food a non-moral issue, just a good thing for them. I sometimes ask, if God didn’t want us to eat, why did he make food taste so good? Of course some say to test our moral fiber, etc., but I can’t think that way; to me God isn’t evil and trying to torture us. But for some, that’s the way it is, so I can’t help them feel differently. (I’m a nutrition consultant, and teach people about real food and cooking by the by.) No, of course I’m not saying we shouldn’t practice moderation, we are certainly capable of excess. But there’s no reason not to enjoy ourselves either.
    I’m no trying to make this a theological argument of course, but that is a big part of it for many people. Really enjoy reading your blog – thanks for your hard work!

  29. LOVE this post! Must link for my readers 🙂 x

  30. This phrase you wrote: “Food is not bad. You don’t need to fight it” was perfect! Thank you for this whole post, it’s awesome.

    My own outlook is similar. Food is not the enemy. There is nothing BAD about food (well, except things that aren’t really food and probably shouldn’t be eaten, like artificial flavoring and such). Any “badness” you feel is external, and you can be master of it.
    As a former chef, I also strongly believe that you have an obligation to at least attempt to enjoy or let yourself properly take in food–think of all the work, effort, resources, and possibly lives that went into your sustenance! It’s an amazing culmination there on your plate, and really, you are just part of the whole picture.

  31. Thanks for the great article. I need to remind myself of these things every once in awhile. I struggle on and off with emotional eating, and this post was a lifesaver this week for me, because I probably gained about 3-4 pounds in the last month from stress eating. I am trying not to be too hard on myself!

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  33. Thank you so much for this post! I always thought submitting into emotional eating was an act of betrayal of my health… When finals hit or just trying to finish assignments, I grabbed any kind of chewy and crunchy food I can nom on and trudged the night away. Or I just stuffed a bunch of foods into my mouth and felt terrible afterwards. But thank you for making me realize I am NOT betraying my body for giving what it needs! You are an a inspiration! I’m so glad I found this blog!

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  35. I’ve never seen/heard/read this perspective on food. It is such a calm, gentle, forgiving approach to food. By the time I finished reading the post, I felt like all the raised weapons between me and food had been lowered and we could commence peace talks and friendly hugs. I really liked reading this post. Thank you for your perspective.

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