Has Insecurity About Your Weight Ever Stopped You From Doing Something? [The surprising Gwen Stefani story]

gwen

Gwen Stefani with 4-month-old Zuma Nesta Rock. If this is “gross, big and uncool” sign me up! No seriously, I want those arms SO bad!

Gwen Stefani is hot. I think everyone, regardless of gender or orientation, can agree on this one. I have long loved the blond bindi-sporting No Doubt singer – their Tragic Kingdom album is still in my top ten list of albums that most affected me – so I was a little torn when I came across this quote from an interview she did with contactmusic.com:

“I hadn’t planned on doing a tour; I’d had Zuma, I felt so gross – I got so big and felt so out of touch and not cool. I was trying to write this cool record and nothing came out.”

On one hand I can totally understand pregnancy making you feel not like yourself (believe me when I say I understand!) but on the other hand did the post-pregnancy weight really make her so “gross, out of touch and uncool” that she could no longer write music? Really?? I’m not judging her. I’m just surprised, you know, because she’s Gwen Stefani. But maybe I shouldn’t be. Our bodies – and especially how we feel about them – are a powerful, defining force in our lives. When I’m really honest with myself there are many things I’ve missed out on over the years because I’ve been too worried about how I look. For instance, I refused my cousins when my cousins offered to teach me to water ski because I was too self-conscious to strip down to my swimsuit in front of them and all their hot friends. (Okay and I also despise being wet and cold. There’s that too.)

Gwen’s post-baby body insecurities reminded me of a conversation I had with another fit mom (whose story I share with her permission). Maryam, a 30-year-old group fit teacher with impossibly beautiful auburn hair and a super-fit figure, shared a story that I think most women can relate to whether or not they’ve ever been pregnant. She is the mom to three adorable children and after her last one was born, she returned to teaching a mere 8 weeks later. As she explains,

“When I received that phone call from my boss asking me to come back, I had a very basic decision to make: Was I willing to endure the humiliation of standing overweight center-stage in front of my fit participants and proceed to lead them through a vigorous work out? Was I even fit enough to keep up myself?”

None of my fitness gear fit. I had to go shopping for some seriously baggy clothing. Don’t even mention the multiple layers of Spandex I had to employ to ensnare my extremely buxom nursing bosom. The first few classes were brutal. I’m the type of instructor who does the entire work out with my participants but alas, I had no strength. No core strength. No upper body strength. My legs were weak. I felt like an utter failure when I could only hold my plank for 25 seconds.

Reliving this experience, it all sounds like a really bad idea and a sure let down for my class participants. But something really cool happened. I connected with them in a way I previously had not. Many of them attended my classes before the pregnancy and were happy to have me back. But even more than that, they were opening up to me on a much more personal level because they could identify with my struggle to become fit again.”

The part that really stuck with me was not the part about trying to wrangle nursing boobs into multiple sports bras – although that is both true and hilarious (double bagging isn’t just for groceries!) – but the fact that her class participants loved her more after her puke-tastic pregnancy and weight gain. And it wasn’t out of schadenfreude. They truly didn’t care about her jiggly parts, they cared about her and her willingness to share her struggles.

When people ask me why I wrote my book I usually say something like, “Well I’d just had my third baby and like many new moms I wanted to get back in shape…”

But when I said that in front of my sister Laura (I miss you like Jell-O popcorn!) she shot back with, “Charlotte, pregnancy is a shape. And so is being post-partum. And so is being menopausal. And being a kid. And being a grandmother. They’re different ‘shapes’ of you but they’re still you and they are all normal and healthy.”

She’s right. Pregnancy is not a disease and pathologizing child-bearing is insulting. It isn’t something you overcome, it’s something you experience. And the really cool thing about being female is we have this whole sisterhood to experience it with. The media may tell us – and Gwen Stefani may even have believed it (temporarily I hope) – that weight gain, pregnancy or otherwise, robs you of your self and the only way to be loved is to get “high school skinny” again but I think we women know better. Even if we do complain a little bit about not being able to fit in our jeans (ok, some of us complain a lot) we recognize the beauty that is in other women, regardless of their stretch marks or pants size or squishy bellies. Hopefully someday we’ll even learn to love them – and ourselves – because of them. It’s the evidence of our journey; the stories of our lives written on our very skin. (If you haven’t seen it yet, check out The Shape of a Mother to see beautiful evidence of this! Link is kinda NSFW.)

Like Gwen, have you ever been held back from doing something you love because of how you feel about your weight? Or did you push through your insecurities, like Maryam? Have you ever had a fitness instructor that you loved even more because he/she chose to share their struggles with you rather than hide them?

PS. A huge thank you to all of you who take the time to share your stories with me through comments here or e-mail. I have a file folder in my e-mail where I keep them all! No, not to write about or use here (I will ALWAYS ask you before reprinting anything you send me) but rather because I just love reading them. I love being a part of your lives.

32 Comments

  1. Yes, all the time, but for a completely different reason that a majority of people roll their eyes at (which is why I rarely discuss it unless asked.) I’m so skinny and look sick right now, so the last thing I want to do is try and dress up or look halfway decent, seeing as I have no clothes that fit or make me feel even semi-attractive (yoga pants, for the win!) I dress for work and then I do a quick Superman change into my comfortable clothes when I get home.

    For that reason, I shy away from social situations. Even though I’ve kind of accepted how I am and that I’m a constant work in progress, putting myself out there at times is hard and quite frankly, embarrassing. Even though I know a majority of people in real life don’t necessarily judge me for how I look–at least the people who matter–I feel much more comfortable interacting online. Without the weight being a factor, I can just be me.

    • I concur with a lot of this. I HATE dressing up, I’m trying to gain weight, so dresses look like bags on me and just hang and even jeans sag in the butt and are just….not comfortable. I don’t have to dress up for work, thank god, but I still do the quick-change as soon as I walk in the door at the end of the day.

      I don’t necessarily shy away from social situations because of it, but I definitely don’tdress the way I would if I were a bit bigger.

      • Exactly. While I suppose it doesn’t really stop me from doing what I really want to do, I know that I carried myself with much more confidence when I was at a healthier weight. People don’t understand that this is an issue as much as being overweight, so thank you for your reply 😉

  2. I don’t like pictures taken of me because I am not at the weight I want to be. Over the years I have looked through the family photo album and realized that I can count on one hand the number of pictures that have been taken of me because I am safely behind the camera. As long as you’re the one taking the pictures, it excuses you from being in one right?

  3. I skipped my 10 year high school reunion because of my weight. We haven’t had a family portrait taken in 10 years because of my weight. I haven’t had sex with the lights on in ages because of my weight. I won’t go back to my alma mater because of my weight (I was at my peak then, physically, and I’m terrified I’ll run into an old school mate, or worse yet, an old flame). There are so, so, so many things I haven’t done because I am so uncomfortable with my weight – I just don’t have the mental energy it would take to talk myself into doing certain things. So I just sit back and remember the good ol’ days when I was bold and unafraid, and hope for a better time in the future. Wow – do I win for the most pathetic comment ever?!? :/

  4. Thanks for writing this. As someone not yet at the pregnancy phase of their life and who is a little nervous about the affect it will have on body it’s nice to have this perspective. I like the idea of pregnancy being something you experience not something you overcome.

  5. When I weighed 460 Lbs I had access to a free gym membership. I did hike and walk at that weight but I knew I really needed to be in a pool as my feet were a mess from trying to use them too much. It took me a month to work up the nerve to be seen in a bathing suit. I wore a one piece suit with tights on underneath and a bra. Well I just happened to go to the right gym because I was completely welcomed. I had 2 close freinds within a week and 6 or 7 more within a month. Prior to this experience there was no possibility that I would allow anybody to see me in shorts let alone a bathing suit. I still get complete strangers giving me a high five or a “You go girl!” when they see me or anybody that struggles trying hard.

  6. I took an almost 2 year break from my gym (bad idea) when I got pregnant because I didn’t want people to see me get bigger (ok, and I got lazy, really lazy). But how lame is that? And then I waited forever to go back because I felt like I couldn’t go back until I was “fit” again (still not where I want to be but decided to go back anyway, enough is enough). After going back I realized it was silly of me to be so insecure. I also discovered that at least 3 of the instructors also recently had babies. These are the kind of women who work out until the baby comes and are back teaching only four weeks after having the baby, and look like they never even had a baby. One of them, during the class apologized for her post-partum body, commenting that her body isn’t letting go of the baby weight after baby #5. I wanted to go up to her after class and tell her she shouldn’t be apologizing and that she looks great. Then I realized I should be telling myself the same thing. It’s hard though when you see other women who don’t look like they’ve ever been pregnant and look better in jeans pregnant than I do not pregnant! There is even one mom (not an instructor) who is 36 weeks pregnant with twins and still going hard core at the gym. I wish I was as big and gross and Gwen Stefani! Why are we so crazy? Is there any woman that isn’t self-conscious about her weight and if so, what is their secret?

  7. I live in Vegas and at my age, most of my peers are still single and childless. And the single and childless like to go to the “day clubs.” A) I’m married, I don’t really want to participate in a swim wear meat market. B) I’m a working mom, I’m not too excited about the teensiest bikini I can find. But then, C) I’m married! I’m a mom! I shouldn’t give two sh!ts about it, I should be able to enjoy some sangria in the sun with friends regardless of my current shape.
    I admit most of the time my thought process only makes it through (a) and (b), but every once in a while, I make it to (c) and go and have a great time.

  8. One of my favourite fitness instructors taught for most of her pregnancy and then after her little bean was about 3 months she got back into shape with us and still taught class and is back doing it again. I liked it. I thought it was cool because she was a real person who was pushing herself and struggling and laughing and it made me work harder. Sometimes the super fit instructors can be a little intimidating…and they can make super tough classes because they want to push you, but they forget that sometimes people need to feel like they can do it, even when they’re starting out. When a pregnant lady is kicking your ass in a class it makes you try harder 🙂

  9. Ah, poor self-esteem, so hard to get over, why so many of us go through all these thought processes (read the comments above, and can relate to most of them). There are a couple of things that have helped me in recent years: 1) having a daughter, I don’t want her to grow up with poor self-esteem and body issues, 2) getting older, and realizing that there are almost no pictures of my mom, because she refuses to be in any. If she’s in a picture, she being captured grimacing because she is saying “don’t take my picture” with the hand up and the camera clicked mid-sentence. I don’t want my kids, should I have an unfortunate event and not be there, to have nothing to look at and remind them of me. Sadly, I have to take a lot of self-portrait with my kids as I am the one taking pictures, not my hubby… These and seeing how my kids love me unconditionally (they are still that little), help me talk myself out of not taking pictures…doens’t mean I like them! (the pictures of me, that is)

  10. Recovering from an eating disorder brought with it all the body shaming you can imagine. But the transition from moving from malnourished to a healthy weight has taught me so much. For a time, I was so self conscious, and even moving in my own body (outside of the self-enforced 1 hour minimum of cardio a day) became uncomfortable. Now, I dance, do yoga, lift weights, and am inspired by how strong and capable my body has become. While I still have body issues like any woman in our society, I can now look at my body and see the good in it. I think it’s important to realize that even celebrities, and especially them, are at much higher risk for body-hating. Most women face mostly just their own scrutiny, not the paparazzi and tabloids following them 24/7, accusing them of being prego if they’d had a big meal. (Although I have actually been asked if I was pregnant, oddly, by gas station attendants. No, but thanks for rudely asking, dude. Obviously you are single, rule #1 of what not to ask a woman.)

  11. I understand being self-conscious. I haven’ taken my shirt of at the beach in 25 years. Even after finally loosing 30 pounds, I still don’t feel comfortable, but I should. I think there is a difference between what we perceive ourselves and how we think others perceive us. How do you connect the two?

  12. “A huge thank you to all of you who take the time to share your stories with me through comments here or e-mail. I have a file folder in my e-mail where I keep them all!”

    Aka “Charlotte’s Secret Blackmail Folder”!

    Yes I’ve also skipped things because of my weight in the past. Not in a pre-planned way, but more of a ‘spending an hour failing to find something that I don’t look fat in, then deciding to stay in instead’. I believe there are three options to combat this issue. 1) Losing weight; 2) Finding inner peace; or 3) Buying a bigger wardrobe.

  13. I guess the only thing I want to say is ask is whether or not you’ve ever gone water skiing? Because if you haven’t, it’s so much fun! My cousins taught my brothers and me over a couple days at their cabin one summer and although it took me much longer than anyone else to figure out how to get up, I really liked it! (And being in MN I’m sure you know someone with a cabin/boat/water skis/etc. 😉 )

  14. Maryam holding the plank for ‘just’ 30 seconds, I can relate to that lol. But being self conscious is a difficult subject and very personal. I hate being overweight but after having 3 children and now trying to juggle them, a part time job and exercise it’s hugely difficult. It’s hard but if anyone can fit in the healthy eating and exercise it has its rewards and not only those you get when you look in the mirror.

  15. This is such an encouraging article. I really resonate with the postpartum body especially. My daughter is 9-months old, and nursing didn’t really work of us (long story), so the baby weight is coming off much slower than I would have liked. Instead of bemoaning this, though, your article makes me want to celebrate the baby that this body gave me. Thanks!!!

  16. That’s one wise sister you’ve got. 🙂

  17. My weight has has a lot of influence over what I do. Just this afternoon I was skiing and jumped off a rock. I would have liked to float away but that whole gravity thing still kicks my butt. Plus I’m still not able to do 100 one arm pull ups.

    In all seriousness though feeling self conscious about my body still keeps me from getting a complete upper body tan at the beach. Still hard to just walk around without a shirt on and feeling like I constantly need to suck it in.

  18. I am extremely self gonscience about my body. I am not in the greatest shape. In fact i don’t like for people watching my excercise. To remove my shirt off in public just is not happening.

  19. Great timing of this post. Just today I made it to a second interview with a modeling agency. There turned out to be more steps than expected and at the end of the interview I ended up feeling fat and insecure and wondering whether I should even bother pursuing this part-time career.
    This post and the comments have me thinking more positively. Gonna keep on keeping on. And not take things too personal. Thanks.

  20. Just last night I was getting ready to go to a play reading that Hubby was in. I was very excited: My first time out of the house at night, sans children, in a very long time, PLUS it was on the Stanford Campus, which I’ve only driven past. But I was nervous, because another friend of ours was in the cast, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. Since I was thin. And I was worried about what she would think. Her first words to me? “Oh my G-d! You look beautiful!”
    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
    The way we treat pregnancy is ridiculous. As your very wise sister said, pregnancy is not a disease or a disorder or something “wrong.” If our bodies weren’t meant to change during and after pregnancy, during and after GROWING A HUMAN BEING INSIDE OUR BODIES, they wouldn’t. I think that when when celebrities hide themselves during their last trimester, or work themselves into a frenzy to lose the pregnancy weight quickly, and when “entertainment” websites and magazines participate in celebrity body snarking, we all lose.

  21. Your sister is very wise. Ask her if she’d like to coach me through my 50’s. 🙂
    Gaye

  22. I hate photos because I feel like I have a fat face. My dad’s side of the family all has this big squarish jowly jaw, with what I like to call “chipmunk cheeks” formed by the padding on the side of the face that totally hides our cheekbones and just makes us round-faced. As we get older, it does the typical “hanging jowl” look. I can’t stand the way it makes me look; people say I look younger, and at 24, that isn’t what I want! Not to mention my personal mental concept of beauty involves a nice sharp face, you know, the kind you see on the stern businesswomen on TV shows or something. My parents of course say I look fine in photos…but I can’t stand it, because my mental image of myself is totally different.

  23. Right now I need to lose 40 lbs. I have a hard time even leaving the house because I’m afraid I’ll see people I haven’t seen in a while. The gym is especially hard (ironically). I feel so self-conscious being one of the few “big t-shirt” women in the classes. It’s really hard to see myself in the mirrors during the workouts. But, I finally started going last week, and I’m already seeing results, albeit minor. It’s also motivating to see myself and know that if I want to change my body, I have to change my habits. All the same, I wish I could lose the weight first, THEN go to the gym. Too bad life doesn’t really work that way!

  24. I have always found that overweight ladies normally have beautiful skin and they are so pretty, pregnancy of course, women glow. we need to look past the weight, and stop trying to be the skinny boneless models on the cover magazines, they after all suffer starvation, and don’t have a life.

    If we look at past eras you will always see rather plumpish ( in or new era terms) ladies, and men found them very attractive in those days.

    we as a society have changed, and we must change back

    thanks for your articles

  25. It stopped me wearing bikinis and certain clothing! But that’s nothing out of the ordinary. Um Gwen looks banging and WAYYY fit. It’s probably more of a mental thing (isn’t it always) than physical.

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  27. I don’t have a single picture of myself when I was pregnant with my oldest. It grieves me now. I feel terrible that I was ashamed of how my lovely, funny, adorable son made my body look. He was SOOOOO worth it. Granted, I am not the picture-taking-every-week-in-a-bikini-to-post-on-my-blog kind of person (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but I wish i could’ve appreciated the beauty of my pregnant body before he was born. I certainly appreciated how amazing it was after he was born. With my second I didn’t go crazy, but I have a few pictures I can show him when I was ‘growing him in my tummy’. As far as trying to write music just after you’ve had a baby, I pretty much can’t write my NAME for about a year after the child is born, so I can understand the creativity not flowing. I can also understand the frustration at not being able to bounce back to your normal self straight away, mentally or physically. I think it’s horrid the pressure new moms feel from the media, other moms, and, truth be told, ourselves, to be back to “normal” right away. Your sister sounds very wise. “Normal” is how we are right now. “Normal” changes, like the sun moving across the sky. It’s in a different place all the time, but it’s always at the “normal” place at any given moment and it’s always moving toward it’s next “normal”. Just like us. We just go from one normal to another and back again.

  28. I love to dance but I’ve been overweight for about as long as I can remember and therefore too self-conscious to really let my feet loose. However, after college, I tried an Irish dancing class and even though I loved the music and dance I felt horribly foolish jumping around and disheartened by my inability to do the moves; all the while imagining others looking at my bouncing rolls and thinking “Oh honey, just don’t!” Looking back now, I think everyone else was just concentrating on their feet and not caring one wit about my personal insecurities, however I didn’t go to back to another class and forgot about dance for a while. A few years later I tried belly dancing, thinking that would suit my figure a bit better. I LOVED it. My teacher was not some tiny little thing and neither were the other women in the class. It was a dance about being in touch with your body, not about showing off how skinny you were (or weren’t). I took those classes for about a year before I moved away and haven’t had a chance to join any more dance classes. As a woman still struggling to lose weight and become healthier, I can say there’s always something I’m not willing to try because I worry about how I’ll look to others.

  29. I can totally relate to this article. It is really hard if you don’t have the confidence to wear clothes you want or go swimming because you’re afraid to wear fitted outfits. This is the reason why, sometimes you can’t totally enjoy or have fun. Your insecurities are always distracting you.

  30. Magazines full of skinny models does not help. But we’ve got to learn how to accept our bodies they way they are without being pressurised to look in a certain way in which society wants us to conform to. If you keep chasing that dream you’ll never be happy and only end up despising your body. Those models may be thin but I bet ya they ain’t happy!