5 Tips for Curing Constipation: Things That Make You Go Poop* [The uncomfortable truth about fiber]

im-naming-him-mister-poophands

Cartoon from the perpetually awesome Natalie Dee

Constipation: Lots of people have it. No one talks about it. Yet everyone needs to poop. Indeed, I daresay that a decent dookie is one of life’s great pleasures – one everyone deserves to have, er, regularly.

Spending half my life in bathrooms, as I do now that Jelly Bean is officially in that potty trained phase known as “Her highness’ bowel whims rule all”, I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate the nature of number two. Especially since now that I’ve stopped giving her a candy every time she goes off like a leaky sprinkler, she’s decided to stop pooping until I bring back her M&Ms. (Note: Has anyone ever contemplated the weirdness of giving a small chocolate candy to a child who has just pooped something the size and shape of a brown M&M? Just me?) I swear to you she’s constipating herself in the name of sugar and power struggles. And in toddler world constipation translates to lots of extra laundry. My life stinks right now. Literally. (And that’s not even counting all the times I’ve had to fish a brown barge out of the bathtub. With my bare hand.)

But it’s not just my Bean who’s having a hard time blowing the butt trumpet. I’ve had no less than four friends talk to me about their clogged-up colons in the past week. (And for all my friends who are right now having a panic attack – do not fear, I will not out you!) And these are all very health-conscious girls and guys, already eating mostly healthy diets, drinking water and doing all the “right” things. Why people get constipated is another post entirely but suffice it to say that whether it’s from stress, pregnancy, dietary changes or an M&M embargo, it happens to all of us at some point.

The problem with constipation is not necessarily the lack of poop. While occasionally you may build a brown bridge worthy of admiration (I canNOT tell you how many “brown bridges” I’ve had to “admire” before my kids would consent to flushing them), poo in and of itself is not that awesome. The real problem with not being able to drop a coin in the porcelain fountain (and making a wish, naturally) is all the crap that comes with your, um, crap. Bloating, pain, gas, indigestion and even anal fissures can result. So what’s a girl gotta do to get her rump pump dumping?

You should** probably start with the obvious things like cleaning up your diet, drinking plenty of water, exercising and not licking super glue off your fingers. But if you get to a point where, like my afflicted friends, you’re already basically doing every thing right, here are five more options to try:

Charlotte’s Tips** for a Comfy Colon (It’s a lucky girl who can alliterate her name with an anatomical function!)

1. Probiotics: I know. I suggest these for everything. They are, hands down, my fave supplement. I may be channeling my crazy hippie ancestors right now but I swear they are the one supplement that really works and works well. I became convinced of their efficacy when my 3rd son was hospitalized at 9 months old with a 108 (!!!) degree fever. They had to give him IV antibiotics for 5 days (so scary) which thankfully wiped out the infection but unthankfully also wiped out all his good gut bacteria. He got a nasty case of C. Diff and was pooping so much he squished every time I picked him up. The doctor prescribed probiotics and they worked within 24 hours. It was such a miracle I actually started crying at the pharmacy. Since then, anytime my kids even look like their tummies hurt, I either get them to swallow the pill or I break it open and sprinkle it on some applesauce for them. (Excerpt from a real First Grade Show and Tell: “My mommy loves white powder! She takes it every morning and says it makes her feel great. She makes me eat it too.” Awesome.) Good gut bacteria are necessary for proper gut functioning and that includes regular pooping. Of course you can also get your probiotics through fermented foods like yogurt, kefir, kimchi, and sauerkraut. (Although for cases of diarrhea or actual illness I find the wide-spectrum supplements work the fastest and best.)

2. Magnesium. I started taking magnesium supplements (thanks to you guys’ advice!) for my PMS. While I found they did help ameliorate my cramping (they’re a natural muscle relaxant), I was surprised to discover how much they also, um, cleaned out my basement. While I still take some around the time I play Call of Duty: Endometrial Edition, I will also pop one if the basement pipes start to back up again. I don’t know how well these would work as a long-term solution, as it seems to me that my body acclimates to the dosage and you don’t want to OD, but they’re great for short-term help!

3. Miralax: It sounds like miraculous because, frankly, it is. This saved my son when he was so stressed out from potty training that we had to take him to the ER – he was in that much poop pain. After doing an abdominal X-Ray (where they shoved him inside the hospital equivalent of those air tubes you use at the bank drive-thru), they told me he had three months of poop backed up. It was so bad it had pushed his internal organs out of their proper places. Yeah, that was a proud mom moment. Anyhow, they prescribed Miralax (which you can now get over the counter, same strength) and he took it for two years. Yes, that’s how long it took to get his bowels functioning properly again. The great thing about Miralax is that it isn’t like a typical laxative. It’s safe to use every day, it’s gentle, doesn’t cause “blow-out” hershey squirts and because it’s a tasteless powder you can stir it into any food or drink. We’ve since used it in shorter stints on our other kids when they’ve gotten blocked up and it works great.

4. Herbal laxatives/teas/caffeine. There is a Gym Buddy who will remain nameless who swears by her daily infusion of a certain highly caffeinated soda to keep her regular. Likewise, my mother who is a nurse, calls coffee “the elderly enema.” Caffeine has known laxative properties. Other herbs, like Senna, are marketed as natural laxatives – usually either in pill, powder or tea form. And from my experience all of the above work… on a limited basis. You don’t want to be taking laxatives, natural or otherwise, every day. Nobody wants a complacent colon.

5. Reducing your fiber intake. Yeah you read that right. Traditional wisdom says that if you can’t bake a butt brownie on your own then you should up your fiber intake. And it’s not a bad idea to try – at least if my history with lentil soup is any evidence. (Yet another food that looks remarkably similar going out as it did going in. Thankfully it’s not as panic-worth as beets!) But a new study published last year in the World Journal of Gastroenterology found that for people suffering from chronic constipation, reducing or eliminating fiber intake not only helped them go colon bowlin’ but virtually cured them. The patients on the low- or no- fiber diet went from pooping once every six days to pooping once a day. The people who stayed on their high fiber diet? Stayed constipated. Even worse, 100% of high-fiber patients reported bloating and stomach discomfort while 48% of the low-fiber and 0% of the no-fiber group reported similar symptoms. Totally counter-intuitive, right? And I honestly have no idea why this was the case. The researchers are careful to point out that they’re not telling people to stop eating fibrous foods. Fiber is healthy and necessary. They simply concluded that for people who are already chronically constipated, fiber might be worsening their condition.

So, how do you make yourself do the dumpty dance: What are your tips to add to my list? What do you think about the fiber study findings? Anyone else ever had to pick up poo with their bare hands? And, please, please, tell me your fave euphemism for poop!

*In which I convince you I really am a 12-year-old boy by using loads (ha!) of terrible euphemisms for defecation.

** Insert warning about I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I have no medical training. I do stupid things to myself in the name of health on a regular basis. If you have any concerns you should always see your doctor. I’m just sharing some (what I think are safe and reasonable) tips that have worked for me (and my kids – their bowels are basically still my bowels).

146 Comments

  1. Oh my you are hilarious! Laughed so loud at the “playing call of duty” my kids thought there was something wrong. Great tips!

    • Making your kids think something is wrong with you – Then my job here is done;) Thanks Jess!

      • I have you all beat. A lifetime of battles. My husband and I talked so much about poop (no secrets here!) as a natural part of conversation, when he was hospitalized with kidney stones, his best friend gave him a book. He wasn’t looking specifically for this but since he knows us so well … it’s called “what’s your poo telling you.” Hilarious. Prunes work well, but on their terms not mine. Same for Metamucil. Coffee works, but only once a month or so. Regular consumption does diddly. Tons of water (easier now ‘cos I exercise regularly; boy, do you get thirsty!) Peaches, nectarines are a wonder fruit! My friend’s borscht is a miracle soup! Travelling? Nightmares! Doc thinks it’s irritable bowel as nothing seems to work consistently. Sometimes, diarrhea is an unexpected blessing. It never lasts long but love it when it happens! Have lived on laxatives for what seems a lifetime. Don’t care that I take them everyday. Gotta do what works!

      • Great article, Your an awesome article writer, I got the info I wanted while LMAO….

      • Great article, Your an awesome article writer, I got the info I wanted while laugh my ass off.

  2. This is my very first time reading your blog after reading a review for The Great Fitness Experiment. Words fail me…

  3. Some great tips there. If I have any problems myself that way, either a big glass of orange juice, or a very large handful of dried prunes seems to do the trick within 24 hours.

    I also saw that fibre study recently and was intrigued – I’ve been messing with low carb on and off for a year or so now and I have wondered about whether fibre is all its cracked up to be as low carb/high carb doesn’t seem to have much effect on my bowel – providing I have at least one serving of fruit a day – that seems to be the clincher for me.

    And as for euphemisms – not having kids, we don’t really talk about number 2 very much in our house. Except in reference to the cats. When they were kittens they had a few poop problems and my husband insisted we refer to it as “whoopsie”. So that’s our word of choice now, cos he wont listen when I use any other word.

    • You know, prunes don’t do a thing for me. While I think they are delish and I love them, they have no effect whatsoever on my poop. I’ve often wondered if I’ve eaten so much fiber over the years that my colon is just like “eh, been there, seen that” now. And I find “whoopsie” hilarious! But even funnier is your husband’s dedication to it;)

      • get the prum juice an heat it up that works

      • I feel tea and caffeine is the best for me I drink it every day with my wife

        P.s the reason I read this is my son can’t poop (He’s 11)

      • My son and I have suffered from constipation for years… My hubby can go on command… Is it bad that I feel like choking him, every morning, while my stomach hurts and he is enjoying a nice, leisurely “whoopsie”?

    • Haha butt brownie sooo funny……

  4. Cutting straight to the important question of favourite euphemisms: you hit most of the good ones in the post but I think I’d have to add “fishing for brown trout” or “seeing a friend off to the coast”.

  5. My vote for my favorite and tastiest snack with laxative properties- dried apricots! Delicious and nutritious, but moderation is a good thing!

    • Mmmm… I love dried apricots!! Although, like prunes, they’ve never helped in the poop department. I think my bowels are just like “meh, fiber” since I eat so much of it;)

  6. My nephew used to call it “making masses.”

    I joke about having an annual colon-cleanse every June: The cherry-plum tree produces hundreds of tart-but-sweet cherry-plums which must all be eaten within a week or they go bad, and I cannot let that happen. No problem making masses around here.

    • Your nephew is very precise! I like it! And now I’m dying for cherry-plums. We used to have both a cherry and a plum tree growing up (but not a cherry-plum:/) and fruiting was my fave time of year! You never realize how bland supermarket produce stuff is until you have it fresh off the tree!!

    • Am I the only one who finds your recent post of Hershey’s Special Dark sort of comical when you put it next to the topic here?!
      Sorry, couldn’t help it!!!

  7. Does Charlotte or anyone else have recommendations for good probiotics? I’ve tried the basic, mass market ones available in the drugstore and never noticed any true benefit. Is it worth it to pay the extra money for ones available at Whole Foods or natural food places?

    • Such a good question! I will say that I’ve tried the very high-end (pricey) stuff and the supermarket kind and I found the latter to be just as effective, as long as I got wide spectrum (i.e. not having just one strain of bacteria). But I probably should have explained this better in my post: I don’t take one every day. Nor do my kids. I think if you are healthy and your gut is healthy then taking one is unnecessary – you’ve got plenty on your own. I use them only when I (or my kids) are starting to feel sick or are having problems with too-hard or too-runny poop. I keep a jar on hand in my fridge and take one if I’m feeling “off” but that’s not all that often.

    • FloraJen 3 is amazing! Take it in the morning 20 minutes or more before you eat. It works in the intestine so make sure you are on an empty stomach and don’t eat for at least 20 minutes. You can find it online, but I found it at a local pharmacy behind the counter. After 30 minutes of searching through the probiotic isle it turned out the “good” probiotics are kept refrigerated behind the counter in the pharmacy. So they need to stay refrigerated. I am sure you can find it at health stores or organic co-ops as well. I take it on a daily basis. Sometimes two when I am feeling a little ill.

  8. For little ones (or adults, but unfortunately we are old enough to know it is really icky) a warm bath with baking soda will release the muscle tension and release the “stinky” right into the tub.

  9. LOL! You made me laugh! Now that we have a baby, we call it a shizzle, as in a shizzle in her dizzle, aka diaper.

    My secret cure: coffee and Rudy’s Double Fiber bread. I find that pumpkin soup does a great job of cleaning me out. I agree with you about the probiotics. I find that if Baby skips her daily yogurt, her shizzles are harder and smaller.

    Interesting note about constipation: I read that sometimes constipation can cause bed-wetting. I don’t remember why, maybe something about displacing organs and messing with nerve endings? Anyway, if anyone’s struggling with a bed-wetter or a child who’s having trouble with potty-training, it may be something to investigate.

  10. I’m still trying to figure out my stomach stuff, but seem to have figured out a combination of stuff to help heal my gut, keep my acid reflux under control and have a regular BM…it’s a nice chance!

  11. Hmmm…I can’t help much I’m afraid. My body is odd. If I drink lots of water and try to add more fiber to my diet (chia seeds I love you) I am OK, but most of the time my body likes to save up things for days and then make me find a bathroom rightnowthisabsolutesecondorelse. I seem to be getting better, but I must say, weaning yourself off of grad school levels of caffeine is not something that is good for the digestive system! I’m just trying to eat healthy and drink enough water and hoping it will all sort itself out as needed.

  12. When I’ve had trouble ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’ I eat a cereal that I saw in a commercial years ago while watching SNL – ever heard of Colon Blow? Works like a charm…

  13. I wonder if the people who got better by reducing fiber intake were drinking enough water…
    I’ve yet to have this problem, but I did recently go through a rough patch with my 2yo who only wanted to do his business in *his* bathroom. So he was holding it all day at daycare. I guess he finally got sick of the bedtime constipation woes on his own though. I remember the day our daycare provider text me, “He went poop here!” lol small victories.

  14. An apple a day. Works pretty well for me. Sometimes I substitute a pear or some berries, but apples tend to do the trick, ifyaknowwhatImean.
    And prunes or figs work well too, if things…get stuck. Usually 2 before bed & I’m a happy camper in the morning. (Take 2 and…never mind!)
    I’ve also found that doing yoga regularly helps. Especially twists. There are poses that specifically target the colon and intestines, apparently. And stress goes right to my tummy, so de-stressing always helps.
    Good luck with the potty training! Always a fun time!

  15. I always wonder if this is highly cultural and related to your long ancestry of food use and guts. For me what works best is peppers. More specifically jalapeños and serranos. If I’m off, I chop some up or make a salsa and I’m comfortably clear the next day.

  16. I’m not sure the last time I saw so much talk about poop in one place!! Probably back in the days of babies and diapers.
    Thanks for the info on probiotics (even if it isn’t the first time you have talked about them). I keep thinking that I should take them and give them to my boys.

  17. Ha ha Charlotte! I love how you can make a touchy subject hilarious! Apple juice or cider usually works for me. Sometimes just a little fat like peanut butter gets things moving, too.

    Do you think our monthly cycles have any affect on our bowels? I seem to be very constipated the week before i get my period and wondered if other women were the same?

    • My cycle definitely affects me, and I know my sister has the same issue! For 3-4 days before my period starts my bowels are slower than usual. Add it to the reasons I’m grumpy around that time. 🙂

      • Oh my gosh, me too! I am usually very regular but the week or two before I start my period I get way backed up. That’s initially what brought me to this particular blog post. It’s a relatively new thing; as far as I can remember (or realized), I never dealt with this when I was in high school.
        The worst part? I can’t figure out what exactly is clearly me up. I’ll pin down one thing that works, but the next time I try it, it doesn’t. Alsdjhfak!

  18. First of all, kudos on all the euphemisms. I once wrote a blog post about breasts in which I didn’t use the same word for them twice and it remains one of my finest accomplishments 😉

    Secondly, am I the only one for whom the surest way to clear up a bout of constipation is a relatively crappy meal? A greasy, spicy highly caloric meal and the next day I am golden. A friend took me out for a huge Thai food lunch a couple weeks ago to celebrate our completing a project and I had bathroom Nirvana in the morning.

  19. Oh MAN I have tried EVERYTHING (short of Miralax) for constipation… those Fiber One bars, that Jamie Lee Curtis poop on the couch (tell me you’ve seen that SNL skit!) yogurt, working out more, drinking coffee, even eating foods I’m allergic to because I know they’ll give me the runs! But you know what ACTUALLY WORKED?? The chiropractor. YUP. CHIROPRACTOR. Turns out I hold a LOT of tension in my abs, lower abdomen, pelvic region and my muscles were holding everything in! He massaged out the left side of my abs and I went every day for the next five days after not having gone for five days! It was amazing and I highly recommend it.

  20. And I must mention ground flax seeds. Mix it in OJ and down it. But, be careful, b/c a little goes a long way.

    • I LOVE flax seeds. Fresh & Easy makes a great blueberry granola with them. I’ve eaten more than one serving before (ahem whoops. it’s reeeeaally good!) and nothing happened. 🙁 I’ve looked into them and some people say chewing them is better for digestion and some say don’t chew them to get your body going. Still nothing on my end (oops pun not intended!). But I highly recommend that granola!

  21. Going for a run always “moves things along” for me. I always make sure I know where the public restrooms are if I’m out for a run.

  22. I actually have a completely overly dramatic aversion to ANY euphemisms for poo. In fact, I can’t even use the word ‘poop.’ (Shuddered just writing that…) In my mind, the ONLY acceptable words are ‘sh!t’ and ‘crap.’ Which makes babysitting small children awkward.

  23. Don’t think I’ve ever read so many euphemisms for pooping in one place – very funny!

    But seriously, the number one food that gets things going for me is oatmeal porridge – made with water, not milk – with the addition of some dried fruit, or fresh banana. Works like a charm every time …

  24. I have had horrible, unfixable constipation caused by my medication for quite awhile. None of the above was really working. My friend told me about Diatomaceous Earth. It’s basically dirt with ground up shells in it or something. Anyway, they make a food grade and it’s amazing (and completely natural). Most people use it for bugs in their garden or house or for their pets but some people also use it themselves. It completely cleanses you. My friend’s entire family of 7 and I got sick about a week after starting it. But now I’m very regular. Thank the Lord.

    • Carrie. Diotiatomaceous Earth is actually fossils from microscopic organisms in the ocean! Crazy right? I have never heard of the food grade version but I imagine it does wonders. People use it as insectasides and such because it is natural, doesn’t pollute the earth, and works great!! The bugs basically step on the fossilized shells and get stabbed. Mildly grousom but that’s how the world works.

  25. Coffee totally does it for me, especially when it’s hot and I have it first thing in the morning! Caffeinated soda no though, maybe because I have it a lot more often. I took fiber pills for years and once I stopped taking them I found after an initial adjustment I was much happier and more regular.

  26. Chris Kresser wrote an interesting article about FODMAP intolerance being a possible cause of gut problems http://chriskresser.com/fodmaps-could-common-foods-be-harming-your-digestive-health.

  27. Not My Real Name :o)

    I bought an ebook a while ago on Amazon called The Fiber Menace. Exactly what the last paragraph says – reduce or eliminate fiber and you will be able to go.

    A friend recently told me to take Bragg’s apple cider vinegar in water with each meal. She said it would make pooping more fun. She was right.

    I take powdered magnesium glycinate every day. Most of us are magnesium deficient, apparently. There’s an ebook about that, too, but I haven’t read it.

    Another friend used to call it boom booms when her dogs did it. I thought that was cute.

  28. A couple of years ago a group of friends and I worked with a yogi to do a week long cleanse. Part of the regime was to take 2 Cleansmore capsules daily. They definitely “moved” the cleanse along. I now take one before I go to sleep if I’m feeling off my poop schedule.

    http://www.renewlife.com/cleansemore.html

  29. I have never enjoyed reading a post and comments so much with my breakfast…lol

  30. I loooooove this post! Not only because its so hilarious, but because it so liberating to hear someone talk about poop and welcome talking about poop in a culture where it’s so shameful… And because it makes me go “Hey! I go through that too!”.

    I’m definitely going to take a lot of these suggestions on. I am a chronic sufferer of bloating, gas, and constipation. On and off like a light switch so I can’t pin it down to certain foods or lifestyle choices.
    When I was in my late teens I had to take iron tablets. I would beg anyone not to – not only did they turn my poop BLACK when it decide it wanted out, but I had to leave college every day to go home and double up in bed because the constipation meant I was getting bloat.

    It’s really interesting about the fibre! I get it whenever I eat apples, naturally thinking something high in fibre could only do me good! Definitely going to put them away for a while. I drink about 5 pints of water throughout the day so I don’t feel lacking there, as someone suggested above.

    However, this article does make me not want to have kids. 🙂

  31. RE: Kids and probiotics.
    Have you tried Schiff Digestive Advantage Probiotic Gummies?
    I get them at Costco, http://www.costco.com/Schiff-®-Digestive-Advantage®%2c-120-Probiotic-Gummies.product.11761508.html

    so I avoid them arriving in the mail in the summer time in melted into one big glob, as mentioned here, http://www.drugstore.com/schiff-digestive-advantage-probiotic-gummies/qxp386918 , among several good reviews. They really do taste and chew like gummy bears, but actually even better tasting.

  32. girl, you crack me up daily! let’s be friends! 🙂

  33. 🙂 Love this! I do eat a bit of fiber for sure BUT I drink my fluids & water. I wonder if the people in the study did not drink enough water which is a no-no with too much fiber. Coffee always helps me poop & exercising too! 🙂

  34. Magnesium and probiotics are the most effective remedies that worked for my family. Taking at least 400-500 milligrams of magnesium is an effective way to relax the muscles of the colon and to increase bowel movement. Stress is also an underlying cause for being constipated, so taking magnesium to relax your muscles makes sense.

  35. SOOOOOOOOOO true on the fiber, particularly the soluble fiber. Solubal fiber is probably one of the worst things ever, sucks up way too much of the liquids in your gut which is actually not healthy and can constipate. Insoluble fiber however like whole grains, corn, beans, those will come out of ones tush like nothing (which makes one wonder, what is the point of eating whole grains, beans, corn, if the stuff doesn’t even get digested and much of it just comes out the other end whole?).

    Also totally with you on probiotics. Eating a lot of leafy vegetables though, definitely helps and plenty of the good fiber in them (not too harsh on your digestive system).

  36. Hi Charlotte,

    Wow! Thanks for sharing the story about your baby. I appreciate you sharing these tips because I’ve been experiencing the same thing as you. My baby, Reiane, 2 year old baby girl, and she’s been constipated for 2 days already. She doesn’t have fever but I think she’s starting to heat up. I’m really enticed to bring her to the doctor within this week but thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe, I’ll be able to get her our of this situation by visiting my doctor friend and asking him to prescribe probiotics for her.

    BTW you might know if there’s dulcolax for children? Do you think, that can work?

    Thank you so much!

    Kate

  37. Wont work for everyone but I know getting a regular dose of hoppy beer keeps me regular. Something about the yeast seems to help with the metabolism.

  38. Pingback:Travelling, Vacation or Living La Vida Limbo: What do you eat when you can’t eat how you want? [Plus: What your movie theater candy says about you!]

  39. I call it doing a “duke” or a “duker” =)

  40. Been There Done That with kids and bath

    Really funny blog. Did anyone mention “Sending a Message to Hitler” It was probably used during WWII. We’ve used “dropped the kids off at the pool.”

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  42. Coffee and a cigarette, works every time! Hahaha.

  43. Omg u guys are so syupid talk ing about poop

  44. Pingback:Why Does My Tummy Look Four Months Pregnant Every Night? [6 Tips for Beating Belly Bloat]

  45. Oh, thanks for the magnesium suggestion. I haven’t tried that yet. I’ve suffered with constipation for years, but every time I think I’ve found a remedy it seems to stop working. The one thing that consistently makes me go is to have a couple of beers. And while I like having drinks with friends, drinking for poop’s sake doesn’t appeal to me.

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  47. “Sending a message to Hitler”, is my favorite. My sister and I have screaming diverticulitis, I just had a colon resection so I don’t have it any more, but weve called each other from every bathroom on the planet with the, Shnikes. Sh-ni-kes. Very painful, and then the next day it’s constipation again, like a swinging door. No relief, nothing helps. When I actually had a normal poop one time I wanted to take a picture of it.

  48. My parents like to refer to BMs as passing an act of congress – particularly timely right now LOL. And if one of them has to go but can’t at the moment because, say there is no bathroom available, they say they are filibustering.

    BTW, licorice tea is a great mild laxative. And the clear juice of a boiled tomato is excellent for constipated babies.

    LOVE your blog.

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  50. well, I am laughing at the fact that I needed to read this today. I am desperate to poop! I just had emergency surgery and I’ve been eating food for over 24 hours and still haven’t. So, I have some prescribed ‘stool softeners’ andI just decided to take half the daily dose of milk of magnesium (sincerely hope that works – last time I took it, I didn’t drink water with it and ended up throwing it up).

    I’ve heard magnesium and vit C are good and also massaging (gently) in a downward direction on the right hand side of the abdomen to stimulate movement.

    I’ve never had such anticipation of needing a poo!

    BTW, for further laughs on this taboo subject, see this genuine and genuinely hilarious ad for poo-pouri. It’s golden. And they have some wonderful names for it in there (one of which is ‘your little astronauts’).

    Wish me luck! And thanks for the great article. Loved it!

    Clare

  51. oops. forgot the link for POO POURI: here it is!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY

  52. I’ve found that 1/2 a teaspoon of cinnamon in half a glass of hot water really helps get it going. By the way, love your white powder story! Lol.

  53. I’ve been having problems the last couple days…I’m thinking about trying the probiotics, magnesium, and miralax…but which do I choose? Do I do all at once or try them one by one?

    • KDub, go for the natural things first. Start with probiotics. But remember to take those all the time. They’re not “take them when you need them” items. If that’s not working next go to Magnesium, but be careful. It’s natural but possible to OD. Also, look it up and make sure it doesn’t interact with any meds you may be taking. It’s a nasty one. Miralax should be the last resort. There’s many natural ways to solve your problem which should come first, especially if you don’t have a chronic problem.

  54. I was grateful to find this post. I just started taking Magnesium Citrate again today. But I do want to warn everyone…I also take a D3 supplement because I’m critically low on D3. They interact poorly so I will have to stop D3 as long as I am on MC. And that sucks! I have tried Senna and it just made me throw up all over. So that didn’t work out. I have also tried Miralax and that didn’t work for me either. It was interesting to learn that fiber could be making things worse. Of course, I think I may be gluten intolerant, so that wouldn’t surprise me one bit!!!

  55. I have to add that ICE COLD water…. I’m talking virtually at the point of hurting your throat, will work almost instantly! It will shock your system and you can actually feel the water working its way down your intestines. Only thing is: it’s best first thing in the AM or on an empty stomach. I do this if I’ve had too much white rice or potatoes the night before (foods I rarely eat) and everyone I’ve suggested it to has had success. You also might want to double up (I drink 2, 16 oz bottles.) just as I was giving up hope and found your site for other remedies.. It kicked in (TMI sorry!)

  56. I absolutely agree, fiber does absolutely nothing for me. Doctor says lots of fiber, colace, prunes, prune juice. Today i even took a. T of castor oil. Almost barfed that back up. Nothing. I will try the probiotics, and the magnesium. I have suffered from constipation since my last child was born 18 years ago. I had a c-section. Wondering why.

  57. Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl is our euphemism of choice.

  58. What a load of sh1t

  59. That was piss poor writing. I couldn’t make it past 3 paragraphs because of your cliche, overly clingy mom stories. You gave your child candy to bribe her to use the toilet? You’re a “shitty” parent. Your kid is going to grow up to be a brat.

  60. For my entire adult life, I’ve been constipated. I’ve went MONTHS w/out going. It’s been rough. I’ve either had to drink miralax, or just deal with it. I’ve recently discovered that the cheapest, apple juice from concentrate works THE BEST and makes me poop 🙂

  61. Some of my favorites are, “Dropping the kids off at the pool”, or “Taking the browns to the Superbowl. Also, and I know they’re gross, “Having a brown baby”, and, for one that’s coming its either, ” Prairie Dogging”, or “Turtle head poking out”.

  62. I know that this is loosely related, but if you need to compare, or would just like to see odd and extreme poops, the you should check out, ratemypoo.com. I know its weird, but it is strangely interesting.

  63. Miralax absolutely does cause “Hersey squirts” and extremely runny bowel movements. Sometimes they just come out liquid. My son has used it also for over a year. So beware, parents! It can get real gross.

  64. I’ve been constipated for a while but it hurts Togo what should I do

  65. I found squatting after every meal the best way to avoid constipation

  66. My wife can’t dump for over a week or two, then she uses dulcolax and stays home for up to 24hrs spending a good part of the morning 5hrs later spackling the porcelain; teaching the first family how to swim. I’m very concerned due to the fact that its been going on for about 5yrs now since she was under some major stress and it seems like the only thing that works. what can I do to help her take the Jackson 5 swimming again on a regular basis?
    PLEASE HELP!!!

  67. You are very funny. It was a very funny article. I’m in agreement with you on most things. Except for one thing. Something you should know is, Fiber is good for you. You should get some books from the library about nutrition they are very interesting and they will explain in more detail about fiber, a lot of other good nutrition facts too. If you eat more fiber, you have to drink more water. that is normal. It is unhealthy to eat less fiber or no fiber. Take care.

  68. Grape juiceee

  69. how about ” taking the Brown’s to the Superbowl”

  70. Would peach yogurt an some
    granola be good

  71. Would peach yogurt an some
    granola be good ?

  72. Would peach yogurt an some granola be good ?

  73. I didn’t went to bathroom yesterday..and today i tried three times but i am not able to..i am not able to push it out.i can feel it in my rectum..but i am not able to push it out..i don’t know how it become tight..I can’t poop out..Please help me..It is really paining..am not able to sit or sleep..I drank a lot of water but no use..I don’t know what to do..somebody please help me..I am in such a situation.

    • somebody please help her

      • didn’t went to bathroom yesterday..and today i tried three times but i am not able to..i am not able to push it out.i can feel it in my rectum..but i am not able to push it out..i don’t know how it become tight..I can’t poop out..Please help me..It is really paining..am not able to sit or sleep..I drank a lot of water but no use..I don’t know what to do..somebody please help me..I am in such a situation

  74. One thing I regularly do if I’m constipated is drink a ton of water really fast. It doesn’t matter the temperature or what’s mixed in, so you could probably use juice or something like that, but chugging at least 16oz of water helps get everything moving in there. I also use prunes and bran flakes, but I enjoy both those foods (cuz I’m weird). It is much harder to get any of my younger siblings to try prunes or bran flakes. Another easy thing to do is cardio! Do some jumping jacks, run, jump rope, run some stairs, etc. until you have to poop! For me, if I know I’m constipated, I do one of these things and I usually am about to shit myself (tmi?) after 10-15 mins. It’s like giving your body an extra little push. And if it takes a little longer, then so what? Then you’ve gotten 30 mins of cardio in for the day!
    I noticed a lot of people getting their panties bunched over the fiber and miralax stuff, so I’ll throw in my two cents.

    1. Fiber: it is good for you, but in balance with the liquids you include in your diet! I eat tons of vegetables and fruits everyday and regularly poop, but once in a while, if I forget my water bottle or something and don’t drink as much water as I usually do, I get constipated. We learned with my little brother that too much fiber definitely can be bad, but too little doesn’t really do much better for you, either. It all depends on your body and what other foods and liquids you intake as a part of your diet. They have that pyramid thingy (is it a plate now? ughh whatever) to show how much to eat of specific food groups because you are supposed to balance everything, and somethings get more weight than others. Without the balance, you get constipated.

    2. Miralax: it can be very helpful and does not give you the squirts unless you use too much! I babysat for a family who’s baby was incredibly constipated, so they started mixing miralax into his bottle. When he switched to solid foods, they stopped the miralax to see if he’d be fine and he wasn’t, so they kept adding miralax to his food. Not once did I ever change a diaper that was runny. I suppose it depends on the child/person, but it also can depend on the amount you use. They never used a full serving size because that is meant for adults! They just sprinkled a little in his cereal and he was good for the day. Obviously, if you give more than half a teaspoon to a two year old, they’re gonna poop out everything they’ve ever eaten in their life.

    My point is, with both of these things and essentially anything you try to do, moderation is key! That saying of “everything in moderation” isn’t a joke or something that was only true whenever people started saying that. It’s true for everything! Honestly, I’ve yet to be able to prove that saying wrong (and oh, how I’ve tried!). What you should do is listen to your body, try different things, and see what works. Something that works for your friend might not exactly work for you. You might have to change a couple things about the trick, or adjust something. Likewise, what works for you might not work for your child. So if you do give him miralax and he’s got brown water coming out his bum, give him less next time! Making sure your child is eating tons of fiber, but he’s still not pooping? Make him drink extra water or decrease the fiber amount. It’s all about trial and error, as well as everything in moderation.

  75. i am so constipated that its feels like the world is about to end

  76. hey khulsum u might wanna try a chiropractor its kinda moderate.:)

  77. My son looked online to find your call of duty game…I think I pissed a little. Ha-ha

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  80. Too funny! for two years incredibly constipated and relief only came from harsh clear outs with citramag.
    I think too much fibre was the problem.
    The cure Jelly Bellys …non sugar kind made with Splenda! I read about this and remembered a road trip with my then 6 year old when we had terrible runs from eating too many Jelly Bellys so twenty years later I tried it after reading about it it one of those home health remedy books …and omg it worked on my very bad bottom. I think the company must have known about this when they named them.
    Thanks for the laughs!

  81. So glad to know there is someone else out there that speaks openly about having a tight tushy, a stingy stool stimulater, an arid anus.. My lifelong battle with constipation has made me experiment with everything. Interesting about the fiber comments as I have noticed that adding more fiber does nothing for me except add a bloated belly to the problem.. Thanks for your wonderful sense of humor. You may enjoy my blog called “Walking Roxy” here is a link to a poop related entry titled, “Contents Under Pressure” http://jonniechance.blogspot.com/search?q=contents+under+pressure+

  82. Hi! As much as I love this article (good tips) I’m young and do not know how to ask my mother to buy me supplies needed for proper bowel movements, it seems like something embarrassing and if I did ask my mother that she would probably flip and I don’t want to end up like your child with 3 months of poop pushing their organs are tips like the caffeine and such going to help?
    I’m trying to keep this as discreet as possible, so anything I can do that doesn’t require shopping and such would be great!

    – Mary

  83. Wow. Great info and humor. Probiotics (I think) are what started my problems about a year ago. I was never constipated before I started taking them. I have recently been having a problem with impacted poop talk about uncomfortable and painful. Yesterday I almost went to the emergency room but was able to dislodge it manually myself. Soooo yesterday I started taking Dura Ease – a very mild laxative/stool softener. And a very low dose of fiber supplement. I’m going to make sure I eat some fruit every day too. My constipation even caused me to have pockets of diverticulOSIS (not itis) which a recent colonoscopy revealed. Dr. recommended more fiber.

  84. Girl!! You’re saving my life right now. I have so much scar tissue after numerous surgeries (blame a botched appendectomy that required muchmuch repair) I’ve spent 7 years going constantly in & out of the hospital for recurring small bowel obstruction… I pretty much live on liquids, laxatives & phenergan, and doctors are worthless when it comes to any advice other than “let me place another nasogastric tube”… I’m trying your suggestions now and GOD I HOPE THEY WORK!!!!! First…to ditch the fiber supplement I’ve hated taking anyway…happy dance!! (Oh wait, can’t dance til after the bombing run commences…hopefully sometime in the next 7 days lol)

  85. I have a problem I can’t use the bathroom BC I ate shells from pumpkin seeds now my bowel movement hurts and I’m 29yrs old what can I do to use the bathroom even shells is on my poop

  86. I have a problem I can’t use the bathroom BC I ate shells from pumpkin seeds now my bowel movement hurts and I’m 29yrs old

  87. This ifs fucking stupid, I asked why I can’t shit not about eminems, call of duty, and pooty wooties..

  88. Wow, I’ve been wondering about the fiber thing and if reducing my intake would help. Now I’ll try it. I also used to take probiotics but after about a month they would stop working. Having no income and being a college student, paying $20 a month for something that no longer works was pointless. I can relate to the issues your son faced. 6 months without going more than a handful of gravel once in a while was horrible. At just under 4 ft I weighed over 135. I had gained 45 pounds of… crap. The pain was unbearable, as if my intestines were going to burst. Thank you for the greatly informative post. And the Call of Duty thing made me laugh – #FemaleCollegeGamer

  89. South Montgomery is now getting a Tim Hortons. Montgomery is awesome

    Montgomery triangle is awesome

  90. A little bit of corn or a jalapeno pepper or two and Boom Pow! No mas constipation!!

    South Montgomery is now getting a Tim Hortons. South Montgomery is the awesome Montgomery triangle

    Montgomery triangle is awesome

  91. ‘Giving birth to a litter of brown butt snakes’

  92. Montgomery triangle is getting a Carl’s junior. Montgomery triangle is getting a tiffanys and a Burks

    Montgomery triangle is awesome

  93. I have suffered from constipation for 5 years now. I’ve went to the ER many of times thinking I was dieing. I maybe go once a week or once every two weeks. But I have found that if I drink a big glass of apple juice after three days of nothing. The fourth day I’m waking up running to the bathroom. It does cause stomach cramps. Well at least it does to me probably because how backed up I am. But hope this helps someone!

  94. I feel that the whole point of fiber is to help you “make” the poop. That doesn’t seem to be my problem at all. I can make it, but then it sits there for days. This usually isn’t a problem for me, I’ve gotten quite used to it. However, there are times when it sits so long it becomes very uncomfortable, even to the point of not being able to eat because I feel “full of you know what”. The articles I find always seem to have plenty tips about production, but I’ve got that covered, just need an exit strategy, I guess you could say.

  95. i loved your article. I haven’t heard half of these phrases. But laughed. 🙂 my daughter is four and calls poop “yucky rocks” I think it’s pretty fitting. 🙂 my 2 year old. Has had a poop issue since she was born. She is constantly constipated. We have to give her mirilax everyday. Nothing else has helped. Our family talks about yucky rocks ALOT. 🙂

  96. I Iike tumblr but the staff wants to invest less time thinking up quirky ideas for April fools
    day and far more time producing the app function.

  97. I find when daughter is constipated I have her of course have fiber and drink water , but alsohave her walk the length of my basement back and forth quickly about 5 times. length of cellar is about 24 ft.
    she also is able to belch and that helps with any gas pains, we have about 9 steps to go down before going in basement so maybe that step walking also helps
    we do walk to mail box and or other places, but for some reason that does nto help her.
    let her have things like ripe pears and golden beets and also lettuce romaine daily two times a day, and also she has oatmeal and soft banana daily, as well as, her miralax once time a day .
    she was on Metamucil for 6 months that did not help cause her bowels even though she poop, was still like balls or raisins in the toilet,
    now more like it should look daily.
    that is my idea
    oh yeah in the past she has kidney stones and bile duct stones, and she is on meds for anxiety and also for OCD and panic attacks and depression. not a high dosage but still that may be one of the issues.

    take care,
    hope this helps a little
    no luck with prunes or prune juice really.

  98. i had undiagnosed celiac disease for years- and could not QUIT pooping! now i am old and things are different
    Metamucil makes my stomach swell-and does nothing to help pooping. I now have UC- but find if i eat lentil soup( organic from a can) i have no problems.
    if i dont want to eat lentil soup every day- i mix a cap full of miralax in something at night.
    I have diabetes 2( i am not fat-so forget about trying to shame me) and found out that i should never ever have BEANO for gas- it changes complex carbs back to simple sugar and that is SUPER bad for diabetics! I do have a gas problem- and i use another gas eliminating product that does NOT work like BEANO!

  99. I found this very interesting. My kids have dealt with my issues for along time. When I have problems and can’t go I head for magnesium. My kids know when things are finally relieved by my text or post stating The Eagle Has Landed. Anyone who is close to me knows what that means when I post it and cheers go out across the land lol

  100. Very creative, good, and spot on!

    Also, whatever is healthy and works for that individual, as we are all different. What relieves person A might not help person B and vice versa…

  101. I have tried every fiber method known to man, with no success. Senna works, but it blew up my butt and was so painful as far as cramping, that I’m terrified of it now. The thing that works? Fudge. Yep, fudge. I eat a piece of fudge and by the next morning it’s all ready to come out. I think it must be an ingredient disagreement with my digestive system, but it works and it tastes good. Never had to handle poop with my bare hands, but had a diaper blow out in the middle of a store when I forgot the diaper bag. So much fun with a poopy one year old, no fresh diaper, and only paper towels and hand soap to clean everything up. Just goes to show a lot can happen in just ten minutes with a little one. I never forget the diaper bag anymore…

  102. How about Turtle Touching the Cloth?

  103. Listen,when you are on the toilet already and your stool can not go out,this is gonna sound weird but trust me it is the easiest way to get your stool out, look at that space between your open and anus. Take a toilet paper and pres it a bit. You will fill it’s hard. Pres it and hold while you squeeze to get your stool out. It’s really weird but God help me,it is the really NO PAIN way. I do it all the time and it really works. You gotta trust me on this one,although it’s crazy and pretty gross,you gotta try it. Trust me. Your life will be easier.

  104. I have been constipated all my life. My parents had to hold me down and give me enemas. Now my son has the same problem. I started Miralax once a day last week but so far nothing but a few disappointing little turds have exited the building. The only time I ever go like a rock star is when Im hungover and since I choose not to be a heavy drinker, I remain frustrated. I’m convinced it’s hormonal. I had an ectopic pregnancy once and they shot me with some high powered hormone drug and it had the added benefit of completely cleaning me out. Wish I knew what that was. I get cramps so bad from constipation that I have to leave work. Sick of it!!!

  105. I know this is an older post but I came across it tonight. Just in case you hadn’t already heard – Miralax is *not* safe for long term use, or even supposed to be used in children. The drug company themselves will specifically tell you mot to use it. It has 10s of thousands of complaints filed with the FDA, including deaths in children. They now have a study going on about the dangers of Miralax use in children. Anyways, wanted to let you and others know. Milk of Magnesia or aloe juice or flax seed oil are much safer options.

  106. Having reviewed the advice in this column, in addition to what is published here. Here are a few other shitting facts that really surprised me. 1. NEVER GIVE A CHILD UNDER 12 YEARS OF AGE AN ANTIBIOTIC! Unless the doctor has determined it is a matter of life or death. Children continue to grow and develop their bodies pretty much till the age of 21. Giving children antibiotics before the age of 12 can cause problems as they wreak havoc with the good and nessary bacteria in the child’s intestinal track. Worse it really CAN take 2 years to correct, who knew, not me. Probiotics alone are not the total answer either Probiotics, the good bacteria need to have pribiotis more good bacteria that supposedly nurishes (sp) the Probiotics to keep everyone happy so they can do their jobs. Otherwise after two weeks the Probiotics die, you poop them out and have to take more keeping everyone in $$$ business! As for adults 1 7 day regimen of antibiotics will kill off most of the good bacteria in your gut! Or worse the antibiotics will kill all the good bacteria, and you will get a case of thrush. I guess one could say, happy gut=a pleasant pooping butt!

  107. natural calm magnesium i started with the recommended dasage then if it doesn’t work i started to increase it when i am very constipated 2 1/1 or 3 teaspoons diluted on 2 oz of hot water and after stop fizzing i added apple juice maybe 4 more oz it works fast within 30 min or some time 2 to four hours max if you are not to constipated what it says in the container instruction is fine if it is ike that you can have it before going to bed and i will work the next day here is the link

    http://naturalvitality.com/natural-calm/

    hope it work

    i am going to try probiotics too

  108. I take Natural Calm nightly, twice the recommended dose. Drink a huge glass of water before breakfast. Always have a “low fiber” salad for lunch. (Spinach, strawberries, cucumbers is one…arugula, a little leftover baked squash, and…more cucumbers is another. Veggies that digest easily.) And an apple a day works. Some times an apple and a big cuppa joe is all I need in the morning to get going! I generally eat low carb, which can also bite me in the butt because I do get sugar cravings. But if I eat very well cooked peas and carrots for dinner I don’t get any late night cravings.

  109. Colon Max is another safe laxative to use on a daily basis. It’s a combination of magnesium oxide, triphala(a kind of fiber that mimics the best properties of beans and lentils), marshmallow root(a tea that is a softener and lax similar to senokot) and rhubarb root(another kind of tea similar to senokot). This has worked for me for five years. During the holidays I do take a double dose, though…there’s nothing worse than having one cookie cramp me up!