WhiteWhine caption: “I wanna read about Kate Middleton’s boobs, not make money!”
Running was on the workout schedule for today but boredom wasn’t and thanks to a serious dearth of Gym Buddies I decided to do something I said I’d never do: listen to an audiobook. I love audio and I love books so I don’t know why I so detest them together (yes I do: everyone reads too gosh darn slow) but you guys love them and my friends love them and I needed something more gripping than The View! (Although the Ladies were discussing Lindsay Lohan’s latest episode of running over pedestrians who happen to get in her way and Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Babs actually suggested that the person threw themselves in front of Lindsay’s car on purpose just to get her in trouble. Really?!?) Anyhow, when you sign up for Audible on Amazon.com they give you a free audiobook – good thing since those things are wicked expensive! How is it they can charge more for a digital file than a hardcover book?? – so I downloaded the most exciting and highly rated spy novel I could find.
Ten minutes into my run I had to jump off my ‘mill to skip the preface. (IT HAD A TEN MINUTE PREFACE YOU GUYS. THEY ACTUALLY READ ME THE TITLE PAGE.)
Two minutes later I had to stop to adjust the volume and my earbuds that were slipping around my sweaty ear canals.
Two minutes after that my phone battery started to run down.
Then it was the constant pop-ups asking me if I was enjoying my free trial.
And then there was the whole its-super-boring-listening-to-someone-else-read-a-book problem. I didn’t enjoy it in Kindergarten and I don’t enjoy it now! Call me a freak. Whatevs, I’m not apologizing.
Finally I gave up on the audiobook and tried switching to my running station on Pandora but apparently I workout in an underground bunker of which cell phone signals can never penetrate so it wouldn’t connect.
At last I jumped off one more time, ripped my head phones off and threw my phone in my gym bag in exasperation. “I guess I’ll just have to watch the TV after all!” I huffed to the elderly woman next to me. As I reveled in my adult temper tantrum it occurred to me what I’d just done: I whined about running on a $5000 machine (totally guessing, I have no idea what treadmills cost) in an air conditioned building and using a smart phone that when it didn’t work exactly the way I wanted it to I had to give up and watch my own little personal TV screen. Talk about #first world problems. It reminded me of #WhiteWhine, #RichPeopleProblems and the like. So I decided to come up with my own list:
Fit People Problems
– Runner’s World said I should replace my shoes every 200 miles but I have to buy new ones every 100. It sucks being such a fast runner!
– Some jerk took my spot in the gym parking lot and I had to walk all the way from the far end to get in. Have some respect – I don’t want to start exercising until I’m actually inside!!
– I hate it when I’m late for my cardio class and the person in front of me is only taking the stairs one at a time. Put some hustle in it! This is a GYM!
– That moment when you realize the toilet seat in the locker room is still warm. And a little moist.
– Today (true story) I found a Weight Watchers magazine from 2007 in the magazine rack at the gym. How does that even happen? It was either read that or Sports Illustrated. But hey it’s not like recipes go out of style! (Boo to coupons expired for over 5 years though.)
– The weight rack was clearly organized by someone who is dyslexic or evil. 25 is smaller than 40! Now I have to do an extra set to put them all back where they belong #OCD
– I hate it when kettlebells are marked in “poods”. Does Russia even exist anymore? And how am I supposed to do that math? Plus it sounds dirty.
– Running out of snacks is the worst feeling ever when you have a metabolism as fast as mine! I must feed every two hours or I will go catabolic and lose all my muscle and DIE. Or at least feel gnarly.
– My ponytail pinches my scalp when I do chest presses on the weight bench. Why hasn’t someone invented weight benches with a hole in one end yet?! (Er, um, nevermind.)
– Stop hitting on me all the time! I hate that I can’t walk anywhere in this gym in my cheeky shorts and Victoria’s Secret bra without being ogled. Clearly I hate attention so stop staring at me!!
– You got between me and my mirror. #DieScum
– I hate having to share equipment. People should just respect that I can bang out 50 pull-ups in 50 minutes and not interrupt my flow with their pesky requests to “work in”. Or whatever.
– Why do weights have to be so heavy?! #DOMS
– I totally couldn’t get a cell signal in the gym! How will my 1800 friends know I’ve done my workout if I don’t immediately upload a sweaty-yet-cute shot of myself onto Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook?! #TastefulCleavage
– That moment you realize that hemp protein powder still tastes like hemp even though it’s 10 times as expensive and the container says it’s “wild berry” flavor. #ThrewUpInMyMouth
– I forgot to take the chip timer off my shoe and now everywhere I go I have to stop and tell people about the awesome race I just ran, how fast I ran it and how many people I passed. And to the kindergartner who thought it was one of those things that keeps your laces tied? Rude!
– Giving blood freaks me out too much – I just can’t stand the sight of blood! And those cookies are way bad for you, they could at least give me a protein bar. #SawIIIisMyFavoriteMovie.
– I fell off my treadmill answering a text.
– Someone took MY spot. #MeanGirls #HockeyCheck
– My legs got so muscle-y I ripped the butt out of my jeans and had to go buy cute new ones. #Ummm
Do you ever catch yourself doing something so ridiculous that you just have to stop and laugh? Do you have a #FitPeopleProblem to add to my list?!