I Drink Pond Scum: The Kerfuffle About Kefir Grains (Probiotics 101)

Tell me how you really feel, kids…

Horror-stricken and wide eyed, my four little ones spent an hour last night staring through their grubby fingers at the TV — the only noise the ocassional “Oh GROSS.” At one point my second son groaned, “Please let me go mom! I can’t watch this show; I’m going to throw up!” I had no sympathy. “Sit down, kid.” No, we weren’t showing our kids the latest horror film. It was the tv show Hoarders. And they had to watch it as punishment for refusing to clean their room and hiding food in the basement making our home into a vermin Valhalla. We may be the only parents who punish our kids by making them watch television but then again we’re probably the only parents who once tried bribing our son to eat his pizza by giving him marshmallows. (Seriously long story whose ridiculousness was trumped only by it’s ineffectiveness. We were new parents. The end.)

They are such hams. Just aim a camera in their general direction… Don’t know where they got that from!

On the episode, a “professionally certified organizer” (which is actually a thing! My husband looked it up and there really is a an international certification for being a good organizer!) lectured a woman who hoarded food about the perils of bacteria. “Bacteria can kill you!” he preached ominously as he held up an open carton of chicken broth so expired that the chickens who had died to make it met their bitter end five years before Jelly Bean was born. The expert poured out the broth into a clear glass so we could all appreciate the horror of the dark, bubbly brown liquid and the container that bulged with vaporous death.

Only the most truly dedicated of health nerds will appreciate what happened next. “Mom that looks exactly like what you drank at dinner!” my son chirped. Even better: it probably was pretty much what I drank.

“Actually not all bacteria will kill you,” I answered huffily. “Lots of kinds of bacteria are really good for you.”

If you’ve watched Jamie Lee Curtis discuss her bowels on international yogurt commercials then you are probably already familiar with the concept of “probiotics” or good bacteria. (And also the concept of gray hair as hot – I love how that woman rocks the silver locks!) The human gut has 500-1000 species of bacteria living in it that help us digest our food and if you wipe them out, say with antibiotics, you suffer all kinds of health consequences ranging from diarrhea to migraines and rashes. In fact, mitochondria – the cellular organelle typically referred to as the “powerhouse” of the body for its role in energy production – may be a specialized type of bacteria.

But back to my dinner beverage that looked like pond scum. I’ve always been a huge fan of probiotics but I’ve always gotten them from milk sources like yogurt. I used to even make my own yogurt! Since I’m currently dairy-free to help with my panic attacks (and I know that lots of people say yogurt’s okay to eat even if you’ve got problems with dairy- I’m just not ready to chance it yet) I thought that left me with a probiotic pill as my only option. Thankfully I was rescued by this girl:

I don’t normally profusely praise myself in photo captions – this one is from Jenn’s instagram! Although I’d say the same (and more!) about her:)

I got to meet Jenn from Girl Heroes! She came to dinner! With her beautiful family!

She brought me the best hostess gift ever: Kefir grains! And the ingredients and directions how to make my very own kefir water! Kefir grains are “a combination of bacteria, yeasts in a complex matrix of sugars, proteins and lipids” that have been used for centuries as a way to ferment a wide variety of liquids. Kombucha and milk Kefir are popular but I didn’t know you could make kefir water too. (Despite the name, kefir “grains” are only a grain in the shape – they’re kind of chunky as opposed to a powder – and not in nutrient makeup.

Kefir grains have lots of benefits. According to one awesome site (that I think might have been translated from a language other than English?):

“Ferments are super-metabolizers that cause such miracles as food constituent conversion, nutrient assimilation, cell transformation, elemental transmutations and plant and animal metamorphoses. They help the diseased body reassemble healthy tissues. Ferments are the ultimate promoters of continued good health.”

You catch that? They cause animal metamorphoses!! Power Rangers unite!

No seriously though, while the research is still emerging some of the purported benefits include:

  1. Improves digestion and absorption of essential vitamins and minerals
  2. Aids in treatment of constipation, diarrhea, colon cancer, ulcers and even inflammatory bowel syndrome
  3. Regulates both the blood pressure and blood sugar levels and even cholesterol
  4. Is used as a treatment for various respiratory conditions
  5. Effective against acne, eczema and various skin disorders
  6. Fortifies the body’s immune system
  7. Improves the body’s defenses and resistance to diseases.
Okay so numbers 6 & 7 pretty much say exactly the same thing but who stops a list at 6 items, amiright?? But the best benefit, for me at least, is that it helps improve lactose digestion which is something I have serious problems with.

In addition to being super healthy, they also have super powers:

“In appearance, kefir grains look very much like white cauliflowers. But when seen under a microscope you can see why kefir grains are so valuable and beneficial to our health, with its many many good bacteria. And the best thing about kefir grain is that it lasts forever. All you will ever need is one batch, then every time you make kefir, your little kefir grains actually grow more and more. So in no time, you’ll actually have too much kefir grains!”

You can buy the starter grains at most health food stores and online but the easiest way is probably to find a hippie and get them to share some of theirs with you (or to have a hippie travel to your house – Jenn is the cleanest, most gorgeous hippie ever!).

Kefir Water Recipe 

Ingredients

Filtered or spring water

1/4 cup turbinado (or regular) sugar

1/4 tsp unsulphured molasses

1/4 c kefir grains

Directions

Mix water, sugar and molasses in a quart sized Mason jar. Add kefir grains. Cover loosely with a lid or a kitchen towel. Let sit for 24-48 hours. Strain out kefir grains and repeat for a new batch. (Every so often stir grains in a jar of water to clean them.)

Note: There is some debate about whether kefir beverages are alcoholic and considering I know a lot of people who feed them to their kids, this is a valid question. (Not to mention I’m LDS – Mormon – and we choose not to drink any alcohol.) From what I’ve read, the yeast fermenting can produce some alcohols (because that’s what yeasts do) although they’re very small proportionately to the volume of the liquid. One woman (who was hilariously accused of feeding beer pop to all the kiddos at a family reunion) teamed up with her chemist brother-in-law to truly measure it. Their conclusions: if you let it ferment 18 hours or less the alcohol content is negligible. After 48 hours it’s at about 0.5%. For comparison purposes a beer has 5-7% and wine about 12%. Vodka is about 50% alcohol. Moral of the story: don’t let it sit too long unless you want chicken broth vodka like the Hoarders lady.

Also (please correct me if I’m wrong) but isn’t this the same fermenting process that makes yogurt, sour cream and sauerkraut? And they’re not alcoholic, right?

How do you guys get your probiotics? Anyone ever experimented with kefir before – how do you use it? What’s the best hostess gift you’ve ever gotten?? Do you have a creative way to help your kids keep their rooms clean?

This is my patented I-have-no-lips smile. I practice it.

14 Comments

  1. Oh look Bubbles is trying to photo bomb!

    You know what I didn’t even think about the alcohol! Eeeek! I knew kombucha was no-go because of the caffeine (although I *think* fermentation lessens the caffeine content) and milk kefir because of the dairy but the alcohol content slipped my mind! Oooops!!!!

  2. Yogurt may be ok for some people who can’t do dairy, but not for everyone. Personally, the only dairy I can eat comfortably is cheese, so keep up with the listening to your own body!

  3. I’ve had bottled milk Kefir and liked it but I think it was sweetened or something. Because when I was in Mongolia I had airag which is basically the same I think (just using a liquid starter and mare’s milk traditionally) and it was awful. Seriously horrible to my taste buds. But I’ve read that many people who are lactose intolerant can handle milk this way.

  4. Two non-kefir related comments:
    1.) making your kids watch Hoarders as punishment is *brilliant*
    2.) in that last picture, both of you have amazingly shiny pretty hair–you could probably sell more people on drinking the kefir water if you claimed it made one’s hair look like that 😉

    Okay, that last comment did turn out to be kefir-related. Who says I can never be on topic?

  5. eep! I LOVE JENN! i tried her kefir and kombucha once and loved it so much. i hope she drives to utah sometime. i hope you do, too. i would loooove to meet you.

  6. I love Jenn!!!!!
    And your kids are too freakin’ cute!!!!!!!
    “Vermin Valhalla.” Love it.

    I have nothing useful to add. Other than maybe trying coconut milk yogurt?

  7. My biggest question….what does kefir water taste like?

  8. I’m with Leth, what does it taste like cos pond scum water doesn’t sound appealing 😉
    I’ve not tried kefir yet. I keep walking past it in the market so maybe one of these days I pick some up!

  9. My 2 favorite and most stylish users of kettle bells! 🙂 I like making my own coconut milk kefir. Only did it a few times but used the dairy grains. Would love to find a hippie of my own and then take her grains and borrow her dresses. 🙂

  10. You guys are adorable!! (And those dressess…I told you you are my style inspiration!) I wish I had been there, but I got some kefir too! And I like it way more than the kombucha that I’ve been brewing. I’ve got some going right now!

    Fermentation is just the chmeical conversion of carbohydrates (in this case sugar) into alcohol, so that is what is going on in kraut, yogurt, pickles, etc. I am not really sure why those others don’t have higher alcohol content, but I’m reading The Art of Fermentation right now and am teaching my freshman bio students about it this semester, so I’ll know in a few weeks. Nothing like learning right before teaching, right?

    • It is not entirely the same – sugars can be fermented into alcohol and CO2, but in the case of yogurt and other “sour” foods, lactose is being fermented into lactic acid, which is what gives the sour flavor.

  11. Yay, you two are just the cutest!! I love the pics!!

    After reading about water kefir on Jenn’s blog, I really wanted to try it, so I ordered some dehydrated grains online via Cultures for Health and started making it a few months ago. Then when Jenn and I met up a couple weeks ago, she gave me some of her grains, too; they make really good water kefir! I’m so glad you like it, Charlotte. What a great way to get probiotics in without eating dairy!

    xoxo

  12. Ditto to Leth and Di: how in the world does it taste?

    I need to start making a list of awesome parenting tips for when I have kids. Seriously, making your kids watch Hoarders is brilliant! (Though I need to stay on top of my husband’s pack rat tendencies to ensure the kids don’t relate our house too closely to the Hoarders’ houses)

  13. Oh I got such a kick out of “kids and hoarders” story. It makes me wish my kids were still small and living at home so I could use it! **Hurry up grand kids!!** p.s. LOVE your cute dresses!

    I had a really hard time finding kefir grains in Canada. I am sure there are people that have them, I just couldn’t find them, and I had to buy mine shipped into Canada from the States (at a crazy shipping cost!) So after falling in total love with water kefir I decided to start a site so ALL Canadians can enjoy!

    xoxo
    Kefir Nurse