You Are Being Watched: But does this change how you act?

Dance like no one’s watching. We’ve all heard this axiom a thousand times. But have you ever considered why people feel so compelled to repeat it? Because generally someone is watching. And even if they aren’t watching you, they’re watching someone like you and it’s easy to internalize the comments, stares or blog posts critiquing your fashion sense no matter who they’re aimed at. It’s the red circle syndrome: The second you see a red circle highlighting some star’s “flaw” don’t you immediately look to see if you have the same problem? Maybe a little awkward when the mag is talking about butt cellulite but otherwise, guilty as charged. The next stage is looking at everyone else to see if they too have the same problem. The final stage is losing your mind and refusing to ever go to a beach again unless you are wearing your picnic blanket like a ghost costume.

Not to get all tin-foil-hat up in here but between security cameras, video phones and the all-seeing-eye of the Internet, someone is always watching. We live in a weird world.

I learned this the hard way tonight when I got pulled over driving the one mile home from a friend’s house. The officer ticketed me for making an illegal u-turn at midnight in a deserted suburban intersection. Ok, obviously it wasn’t completely deserted… duh. I got the lecture about how even though it may appear no other cars are present, traffic laws still apply. It was a little ridiculous — no drunk drivers to catch? — but I did, after all, make an illegal u-turn. It was late, I was tired and so I took the risk because I thought no one was watching my little indiscretion.

It turns out someone was watching me. Someone with an itchy ticket finger.

The real question – that I pondered while waiting ten minutes for the cop to write my ticket, instead of texting all my friends like I wanted to do but then decided that seeing me on my phone in my car probably wouldn’t endear me any more to the officer – is this: Does this constant surveillance – and the knowledge of it – change the way you live your life?

It’s not all traffic tickets and big brother. I remember several years ago when I was applying for a second job as a high school tutor and the manager arranged an interview with me at a local coffee shop. When the time came, as I was walking into the store I noticed a woman out of the corner of my eye struggling with several bags. So I stopped and held the door open for her and offered to help her to a table. Boom: I got the job without even doing the interview. Because the woman with the bags was the same woman that I was to interview with. I’ll never forget what she told me as she explained her set-up. “I already knew you were smart from your resume. Smart people aren’t as hard to come by as you’d think; but kind people, that’s a different story. You can know all the chemistry in the world but you can’t teach it effectively until you can teach it kindly. And for the record, she did not equate “kind” with “indulgent.” I worked for her for three years and was amazed at how well kind and firm can work together.

(True story: I did not at that time choose to enlighten her that I did not know all the chemistry in the world and that kindness notwithstanding, you can’t teach it effectively if you’re too busy putting out the fire you started in the lab. Although my students loved that lesson and I daresay they never forgot it!)

You never know who is watching you.

With kids, I learn this lesson over and over again. From the time I found a panty liner stuck to the inside of Jelly Bean’s diaper (note to self: shut bathroom door) to the time my son lectured a friend on the horrors of milk chocolate chip cookies (“If you’re going to make a cookie, at least use dark chocolate and whole oat flour!” sounds kind of horrifying coming from a kindergartner). They even notice in what order I brush my teeth. And we won’t talk about what happened when one kid accidentally hit me right between the eyes with a metal doorknob and before I even recognized the string of curse words that came out of my mouth, they were being parroted in tiny sing-song voices at top decibel. (Imagine Cinderella’s mice happily singing and then without even changing inflection, dropping an F-bomb with at least 17 syllables.) Took us weeks to un-teach that one. Mostly because we couldn’t stop giggling every time the baby said it. It was hilarious. (Mother of the year!)

It’s not just little people either. At the store someone may be making mental notes about your grocery purchases to blog about later. Or the waitress at your fave restaurant may be snapping a pic of you inhaling a massive appetizer on her cellphone to post to Facebook later. Or that “ice cream taste test” you signed up for is really a psychological study to see how piggy people get when left alone with limitless delicious dairy desserts. Or a private video you took suddenly ends up in the merciless hands of the Internet. (No not THAT kind of vid, people. I’m not Pamela Anderson (in so many ways). It was a rogue video of me singing Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam and that is all you are ever going to know about it.)

So now you know.  What do you do?

You can’t live your life as if you are on a 24/7 reality show. It’s a form of narcissism that I’m not sure has any parallel in any other era. (Hello Real Housewives of Everywhere!). And yet you can’t be the person who says they don’t care a whit about what other people think and always do their own thing. At best that’s a bald-faced lie and at worst it’s total social ineptitude. You have to find a balance.

Eh, I suck at balance. We’ve established that. My general strategy is the overshare. If I tell you first then it’s no biggie if my secrets get spilled. Which basically means I have no secrets. (My parents are so proud!). Others respond by locking up, avoiding social media and wearing their earphones at all times so as to avoid any potential conversations with others. Still others respond by living the most boring lives they can think of thereby not giving anyone any fodder with which to judge them. (Kidding! Nobody’s that boring. We can totes find a way to judge you!)

But I’m serious. I want to know what balance you’ve found? Does knowing that you are always being watched make a difference in how you live your life? Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were just doing your thang and then it turns out you were being watched? Or on camera??

Dear Adrianne, you might not recognize Ward with his old dye job. He’d like you to know that tonight is his turn to hold the remote.

14 Comments

  1. Don’t be silly…it’s always Ward’s turn to hold the remote. Way to make fun of the cat with special needs…he has feelings, you know. Not many, and mostly he feels confused, but still! 🙂

  2. I’ve always been slightly paranoid, so I haven’t really changed the way I live because of all the cameras and such. I figure if someone’s gonna blog about me they must have a SERIOUSLY boring life, and I kinda pity them. I’m still amazed I have twitter followers! I tweet once every 3 months, and what I write is pretty dull for the most part.
    That being said, i try, and always have, to be a basically nice, courteous person. Not that I always succeed…

  3. I just know that deep down no one is caringwatching or paying much attention to anyone but themselves 🙂
    everyone is still a liiiiiiiiiiiiittle mired in adolescent ego centrism.
    it’s freeing 🙂
    I do what I want.

  4. Great post!

    And darn, I wish I was as realized as Miz, though as I get older I’m getting much less self conscious. But still, I do tend to live my life a bit too much as if others were watching me, even though I know in my heart of hearts that strangers don’t really give a crap what I’m doing.

  5. My kids love it when they walk into a store and there is a TV monitor showing the surveillance video. “Look Mom I’m on TV!” (cue dancing, dramatic movements that I am sure other people look at).

    I think the surveillance issues go both ways, good and bad. While you were ticketed this time for a small infraction (the bad), next time that camera might catch a drunk driver who runs a red light and was going 60 in a 35mph zone. That surveillance got him/her off the street before they kill someone. Or worst case scenario it catches the person actually crashing into someone and fleeing the scene. If you were the victim of that scenario you would probably be thankful for the surveillance.

    On a different note my hubby and I were alone in an elevator in a Las Vegas hotel having some fun, but stopped when we realized we were probably on camera and about to give the security personnel a show 😉

  6. I’ve come to realize that:
    a) nothing is private or secret if done either on the internet or outside my house (or heck, inside my house with someone with a camera present – helloooo facebook).
    b) people are going to know way more about me than they used to because of facebook and twitter and blogging- it’s weird getting into conversations about my racing and workouts or anything I post about with people I’ve either never talked about it to or heck, never met before, but that read my facebook/twitter/blog.

    I’ve just learned to not post or do things in public that I would feel bad about my boss, my mother, or any stranger knowing. And if I do, hopefully no one has a camera :).

  7. I just try and life my life the same way regardless of whether I’m alone or there are people around me. At the end of the day I have to look myself in the mirror and like the “me” I am.
    Yes, this leads to embarassment occasionally, but it wasn’t until I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me that I gained the confidence and happiness in myself to just be me. Whatever that is 🙂

  8. If you are born and raised Catholic, this is just something you don’t even question!

  9. Mostly, I don’t care much what others think of me. As long as I’m not being watched when I’m naked (without my permission), it doesn’t really bother me. I simply am who I am (or yam who I yam..). As long as the things I do/say aren’t taken out of context, I can’t get mad because the truth is simply the truth and I know myself well enough to already know my flaws.

  10. My theory is, that anything you catch me doing, you probably do too in private. Someone sees me picking my nose in the car? Big deal, I’d like to see the underside of YOUR driver’s seat. Walking around naked in front of a window. Eh, if you’ve never seen tits before, congrats on your first time! So I don’t worry too much about it. Also, it helps that I think I’m awesome at everything I do.

  11. Yep, “oversharer” reporting for duty! I am the same way. That probably explains why I sometimes have a hard time with surprises. I like things to be transparent and am drawn to others who are open and share freely. Which makes my choice of spouse quite curious since I have to drag things out of him, LOL!

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