Carly Rae Vader!!! Totally unrelated: Turbo Jennie has a theory that every girl’s middle name is either Marie, Ray, Lee or Anne. True for me!
Raise your hand if you’ve ever given another person – not a plastic torso named “BOB” or “ANNIE” – CPR. I have two fingers raised for the two times I’ve kindasorta done mouth-to-mouth. The first time was when I gave my brother a “rescue breath” – despite the fact he was breathing on his own perfectly fine. Why? I have no good answer. We were taking a junior lifeguarding class and it seemed funny at the time. (He got me back by sitting on me and farting. Good times, TJ!) But the second time was just recently when Son #3 had the brilliant idea to shove a Lego up his nose. After trying everything I could think of – all two things – I finally called the after-hours pediatric nurse line.
“Well did you try blowing it out?” she asked matter-of-factly.
“Excuse me? Like with a blowdryer?” I asked incredulously.
“No, like CPR, honey. Just close the other nostril with your thumb, put your mouth over his and breathe as hard as you can into his mouth. Works like a charm.”
“You want me to do what?!”
“You want to take him to the ER instead?”
I sighed. Stupid high deductible insurance plan. “No. I’ll try it.”
The nurse agreed to wait on the line while I did it and as I explained to my son that mommy was about to do something that would likely traumatize him for the rest of his life but it was okay because we’d already started saving for his therapy, I could hear her laughter all the way out of the phone on the floor. Then I did it.
I’ll never to my dying day forget the look on his little face when I Hoovered him. And he’ll probably never forget the look on my face when the Lego came flying out (just as promised!), accompanied by a ton of snot which then sprayed all over my face. This was by far one of the most disgusting things I have ever had to do as a parent. Right after giving my eldest an enema. GROSS. grossgrossgross.
As I sat wiping off my face, I had to ask him. “Why did you stick that toy up your nose? Just: WHY?!”
He shrugged his little shoulders and made his “I’m so cute you can’t kill me” face. “Because it fit!”
Well, duh. Ask a stupid question…
So this isn’t fitness related but this little interchange with my son inspired this list I did for Redbook and I cracked myself up so much I had to share:
Top 10 Things Toddlers Wish They Could Tell Us
Toddlers often seem irrational, unreasonable, finicky, and frustrating but sometimes I think if I had a good interpreter all that screaming would make sense. So the next time you feel your blood rising as you wait for “ME DO IT!!” to attempt putting on their shoes for twenty minutes or “MINE!!” to loosen their grip on the candy you just said they couldn’t have, try seeing things from your kid’s perspective. It may still be irrational but at least it will make you smile. And if you do then they probably will too…
1. Don’t ask me why I stuck something up my nose. I know there is no good answer to that but I’ll try to come up with a creative reason if you keep pushing. And that one won’t make any more sense than “because I could.” (“I thought if I put a red pom-pom up my nose it would make me Rudolph!”)
2. No means no! It also means “yes”, “I think so”, “maybe” and “I need a nap, for the love of Fisher Price won’t someone find me my blanky!”
3. Getting my face wiped with a warm washcloth is exactly like getting power washed with with an industrial sprayer and don’t even try to tell me it isn’t, you terrorist.
4. That tantrum I threw in the middle of the store? That wasn’t me. This darn body is so new it just goes on the fritz sometimes. I can’t help it. I contacted the manufacturer and we’re trying to work out the kinks.
5. Don’t tell me not to do something I haven’t done yet. If I haven’t tried it, you just gave me a great idea and the fact you said no makes it even more exciting.
6. I peed on the floor not because I can’t pee on the potty but simply because I don’t feel like hanging my tushie over a gigantic hole filled with water that may or may not suck me straight into the vortex. Frankly I can’t believe anyone can poop with that kind of pressure!
7. Spreading stuff all over me is just how I eat. Just because you’ve lost the ability to taste through your skin doesn’t mean I should hide my talent. Don’t be a hater.
8. Brushing my teeth is like minty dessert on a handy stick — why wouldn’t I want to swallow that?
9. Band-Aids are just big stickers. Blood should not be a precursor to getting one. Or five.
10. It doesn’t matter to me where you work, how important you are, or if you are a size two. All I know is that you are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and that you love me. (Although it totally does matter what kind of car you drive – why have you not purchased that stretch limo with wading pool and sippy cup wet bar yet?)
What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever had to do for someone else? Anyone have any good items-up-nose stories?? Is your middle name Marie, Ray, Lee or Anne??