Why I Need Therapy (And Why You Might Too)

Some people go to talk therapy, others find solace living in the gutted intestines of a mouthless kitty. You’ve got options.

Hi-ho, hi-ho it’s back to therapy I go! And for the first time I’m really happy about it. In the past when I’ve sought out therapy (or was kinda sorta forced into therapy) it’s because I was in a really dark place and was afraid of sliding all the way off the cliff. But this time is different. First, it is nothing related to eating disorders of any kind! That alone feels like kind of a coup. I’m still doing really well not weighing myself, eating intuitively and working out just 1 hour a day. While I still struggle with some of the classic disordered thought patterns, I’m getting better at recognizing them for what they are.

Rather, this time I’m going back to therapy more as a preventative measure – to get a grip on my problems before they get a hold on me.  I have a few personal things I’m working on, more related to my history of sexual abuse and my anxiety issues. This month is the anniversary of both the assault that my ex-boyfriend ended up going to prison for and also the anniversary of when I spoke in court against him. These dates, along with the ever-increasing darkness, make December difficult for me but instead of just suffering through it and hoping this year will be better I decided to be proactive about it.

There is another first in this therapy go-around that feels significant: my first male therapist. Originally when I called, I requested the female half of the husband-wife practice but she wasn’t taking new clients and so I ended up biting my nails and imagining the only thing more awkward than Kris Humphries’ GMA interview about getting dumped by the Kardashian Klan (seriously, did you not just cringe for him?) would be talking about my particular issues with a strange man. But, as it turns out, he’s fantastic. (My therapist that is, not Kris. Although he might be fantastic too, he is from Minnesota after all!) And even though I’ve only seen him a couple of times I think that the fact he’s a man might be the different perspective that I need. I’ve already learned a few difficult, albeit important, things about myself and I feel really hopeful about the whole thing. Yet another first for me in therapy.

The best moment though was during our first session – it’s called an “intake” for those of you unfamiliar with the process and you basically tell them your entire personal and medical history in under an hour; it’s pretty much the Olympics of oversharing for which I should totally win a gold – when I was rehearsing my eating disordered he past and he stopped me to say, “You know, there’s this local woman I’ve heard of who talks a lot about eating disorders and body image and stuff. She’s about your age and she writes for The Huffington Post and some magazines. I think she even wrote a book about it. You should check her out!” Yes, I was officially referred to myself. That was one way to break the ice! I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or embarrassed…

But if I’ve learned one thing from writing this blog it’s that the only difference between embarrassment and empowerment is that the former revolves around trying to keep the bad things about yourself hidden while the latter is about owning the bad, the good and, yes, even the humiliating and bringing them all into the light. Admitting that you need help (in my case, again and again and again) doesn’t make you broken. It makes you fixable. And teachable.

I think everyone can benefit from having an impartial, sympathetic person to listen to them and yet even in this day of Oprah and Desperate Housewives there still remains somewhat of a stigma about going to therapy. I wish there wasn’t. It can be hard to find the right therapist – there are definitely some bad ones out there; my first therapist actually asked me for anorexic tips on how to lose weight (I know, right?!) – but the right person can be incredibly helpful. In addition, I think a lot of people feel like there’s some shame in paying someone to listen to you but your family and friends are often too close to the situation and love you too much to tell you what you need to hear. Besides, a professionally trained therapist has tools to help you that even the most well-meaning aunt doesn’t. Lastly, there’s this stereotype that therapy is years upon years of laying on a couch talking about your mother. While I have been in and out of therapy for years (since I was 17 and had my first “not-rape” experience*), I have been more out than in. A good therapist will be solution focused – to steal a phrase from my own – with the goal of helping you to be less “stuck” and more independent than when you started. There should always be an end goal in sight.

The great thing about wearing my crazy on my sleeve like I do, is that it gives me the freedom to be really open about things like going to therapy, taking anti-depressants and getting so obsessed I watched both seasons of Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse in about a week and have since been writing fan-fic in my head. (You will be grateful to know that I am too busy to commit any of it to pixel so the world will be saved that atrocity. For now.) This freedom has made me want to give other people the space – if they want it – to do the same, which is why I share this with you today.

I need therapy. And if you do too, I hope this will give you the push you need to make that first (difficult) phone call. I’ll be right here with you.

Is it weird that I’ve always preferred female therapists? Do you have a preference? How do you feel about therapy?

*Weirdly, in 5 years of writing about deeply personal subjects this post is the one that still to this day makes me the most uncomfortable. When people ask me if I ever regret anything I’ve shared, this is the post that comes to mind (as opposed to the one where I admitted to, say, losing a panty liner in the middle of an aerobics class). I’ve actually pulled it off my site several times only to end up putting it back up again. There is a lot of weakness in it – both in the subject and the writing – that makes me all squicky inside. And yet the comments are an absolute gold-mine of support. If you’ve ever struggled with a “not-rape” I urge you to read the comment section!

 

 

42 Comments

  1. I LOVE therapy!!!! Personally I think everyone should go to therapy, even for just a little while. Of course, it does cost money…
    I also believe that things often happen for a reason, and you were meant to be seeing this particular therapist now.
    I think you are brave and amazing, and your writing reflects that!!!!

    Finally, I remember seeing an interview once with a woman who, on an anniversary of her sexual assault, went skydiving. So she has a positive association with that day, which sometimes, she said, even overrides the memory of the assault. I’m not saying you should go jump out of an airplane, but maybe doing something you’ve always wanted to do this time of year would help? Or maybe I’m just talking out of my bum.
    That happens with alarming frequency.

    Love ya, girl!

    • I LOVE the notion of rewriting your memories.

      I started doing that last year–
      in places where sad things happened,
      I would go with a girlfriend and have a picnic instead;
      on anniversaries of horrible events,
      I go to Disneyland,
      or throw a party,
      or do something adventurous instead.

      And?

      It really, really helps.

  2. YAY therapy!! Waving pom poms for you! Love me some therapy. Life-changing therapy!

  3. Therapy is great! When you need a mental health check up, getting the help you need makes the rest of your life run smoother. It can make you a better person, partner and parent when you take care of your mental health needs.
    Of the three therapists I have had, the only one who really helped me was a man. The other two were good sounding boards, but it was the third one I saw who really helped.

  4. Great post, Charlotte. You make me really miss threrapy. My head needs fixing, but I have no money to go to therapy at the moment. That’s sad because I think I would get more out of it than when I was younger.

    Too funny about being referred to yoursef. 😀

    I wish I could have a blog like yours, too!

  5. I entirely agree and it makes me sad so frequently people are willing to go and struggle to find the money/insurance coverage.
    Id encourage anyone to call a therapist and ask about sliding scales.
    It cant hurt and when we were in school we were ENCOURAGED to take on as many clients as we could on a probono or sliding scale basis.

    Service is the rent we pay for living and all…

  6. I also agree that EVERYONE could use therapy. I too used to cringe at admitting I went to a therapist, but now I would gladly shout about it from every street corner. The therapist that I see is also male and after many females I have found working with him to be actually be better!

    I love the idea of comparing embarassment and empowerment in talking about your truth. Embarassment really resides within and the judgments that we give ourselves. Empowerment IS about owning all of yourself, embracing the good and the bad and moving forward since after all that is the only way to go!

  7. I’m am ALL about therapy and truth be told, if I could find a good therapist and afford it, I would probably move in with them. When I was in treatment the nurses told me I was in the wrong business and that I had a knack for therapist-like advice and listening, which did me no good, but whatever. My point is that if it’s available to you, take it with both hands and never let go.

  8. I’m very happy to read this, Charlotte!

    I feel that just like having our car get a tune-up, we can all benefit from some constructive therapy !

  9. Charlotte, a friend and I started going to the gym about a year ago and I read your book shortly thereafter. Loved it! Then I started reading your blog, I just love it! You are so much fun and so transparent. I think I enjoy the gym all the more because of your writing and sharing, it adds a really fun dimension to all the whining and groaning (and laughing) we do at the gym. Thanks so much for putting yourself out there. You are truly an inspiration! ; )

  10. I’ve gone to therapy before when I was struggling with some depression. I was embarrassed because I though it meant I was “nuts” but after one session, I realized I’d thought poorly of therapy because of outside influences. It helped me and I would go again if I felt things sliding out of my control. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it and sometimes I want to go just to make someone listen to me for an hour without interrupting…

  11. “Admitting that you need help … doesn’t make you broken. It makes you fixable. And teachable.”

    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your issues and how you move forward. I find it truly inspirational.

  12. first off… I’m proud of you!!
    Seriously. I think getting help before you, no question, need it shows great strength… and I do think therapy is beneficial for everyone. My last therapist used to say, “it’s not who needs therapy… it’s who is IN therapy”

    I think it’s interesting you were referred to yourself… hahaha. I’ve heard myself referenced sometimes before (in a different way than what you’re speaking about) and I know I found that odd.

    As for male vs. female? I don’t know.. I’ve never had a male therapist… and my current therapist and I have a very different sort of relationship… I don’t know…

  13. Oh, we are more alike than ever: a) I don’t even winter well in Texas. Ick. The clouds have made me cuckoo the last two days. Seriously. Cuckoo. Ask the family. Shrieking cuckoo. b) ALL about the therapy! Go you! Love that you “wear your crazy on your sleeve”! Is there a badge? Can I get one? 🙂

  14. Therapy is a hard thing…. it’s like trying shoes, everyone should buy some, but finding the right one might be difficult. And you should try and try until you find the one you feel comfortable with. Not only the person, but also his/her therapy style.

    Therapy is great if you go with the right person. Good luck and I would love to read your Dollhouse fanfic, I’m also a Wheedonverse fan, specialy Firefly and Dollhouse.

  15. Thank YOU! This post definitely shows how strong you are, not how weak you are!

    I have been in therapy since I was 16 (rounding the corner on 29 now…). My dad was abusive. And of course things kind of fell apart from there on out (note to any men who read this blog: your daughter’s self confidence largely comes from how you treat her).

    I am pretty open about my history of depression, anxiety, and very candid about having tried antidepressants. I *do* think it makes some people uncomfortable – which is sad, because I am a nursing student, and for my peers that can’t handle it, I am not sure they are in the right career program. But it ends up with a lot of people confiding in me that they are having a hard time, and they know they can talk to me because I’m not going to be judgemental towards them about what they are struggling with.

    I think you are special in that you’ve taken a lot of issues and have made them very public – which is a very very good thing! It is paving a road for so many people who are on the verge of getting whatever help they need, or acknowledging whatever problem they have, and following through with it.

    You are great 🙂

  16. I am considering therapy seriously for the first time in my life…
    and a lot of that is because of your openness about it, Charlotte.

    Thanks for taking away the stigma–
    things like therapy and mood disorders need to be held up to the light
    instead of being hidden away,
    they need to be normalized,
    because they *are* normal,
    and they *are* just a part of being human.

    More exposure = less stigma

    We shouldn’t have to hide the fact that we suffer from depression,
    or that we see a therapist.

    Thank you for sharing your experience, doll.
    I truly am grateful.

  17. Thankfully for things like post-pardum my city offers free therapy. Since the birth of my son I have been suffering for a pretty bad case of baby blues. I didn’t get the labor and birth I wanted. I delivered my son at 33 weeks and never got the closure on why I went into pre term labor. For the first month I suffered with my darkness, but for the last three weeks I’ve been working with a therapist and going to a support group.

  18. Hi Charlotte, This is my first comment on your blog! I had to quickly write to commend you on your openness about your experiences with therapy. I truly believe we all need to work towards a world where we treat mental health with the same level of matter of factness and importance as we do our physical health! I have been to therapy three times, initially for issues related to my sister’s death but then again later to deal with a difficult work situation. I benefited immensely each time, and now I encourage people to get help BEFORE you reach a crisis situation. There is no need to hit rock bottom before reaching out for help!

  19. I went through a period of depression and my friends/family were urging me strongly to go for therapy – but I had all the excuses in the world. Finding a therapist is HARD! There are too many to choose from (and no good source of reviews/ratings to know if you’re choosing the right one), you don’t know what insurance they take until you take the time to call and find out, a lot of them only work during business hours (which is incredibly inconvenient), etc… the list goes on forever.

    So I recovered from my depression, and THEN started seeing a therapist a year later. And I love her! I don’t have an “end goal” in mind, but I love knowing that every Friday, I can go tell her about whatever and she’ll provide incredible insight. It’s so freeing when something bad/annoying happens to know that you have someone to vent to who will help you fix it and never judge 🙂 I am pretty up front about it with my friends, to the point where my best friend will even be like “hmm I don’t know the answer to that problem; why don’t you wait and talk to Randy?” SO worth it.

  20. 1. It’s a shame therapy has such a negative connotation when so many positive things come from it. Anything that helps you be a better you, is something to celebrate and talk about!!!
    2. Kudos to continually growing with intuitive eating. It is not easy but so rewarding.
    3. I can not imagine the strength it takes to be so open and honest. You are giving strength to so many women who do not have the voice or medium that you have.
    4. Therapy isn’t always meant to “fix” sometimes it simply helps you get to where you want to be.
    5. I do not see you as broken. I simply see you as a women willing to better herself and isn’t afraid to admit what we all already know. We can’t do everything alone.

  21. “Olympics of Oversharing” you have SUCH a way with words!!! I find I prefer certain genders for particular professional relationships and it is odd to change!

  22. Good for you Char!!!

    I wrote this very short poem on my blog the other day and I would like to share it with you here;

    Acknowledge Thy Self…

    Acknowledge thy faults,
    thy struggles and emotions,
    thy darkness and Shadow self

    Then with generous dabs of compassion
    Let it go.
    ~ Shevy

  23. I appreciate your openness, but I find the “and you do too (need therapy)”– even if in jest — annoying. At 60, I’ve been in therapy several times in my life. Openly. No shame. It was always helpful. I’m glad I did it. I often think back on kernels of wisdom that emerged from the magic space of a therapist’s office. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. But I resist being told in no uncertain terms by someone probably half my age that I “need” it too. That’s for me to decide. I like hearing you share your experience and your wisdom. Don’t tell me what I need. You don’t know me.

    • Fair enough Louisa! I changed the title on my post to “Why I Need Therapy (And why you might too)” For the record, I meant it as a joke and did not mean to offend you (or even to advise you). Please accept my apologies:)

  24. Charlotte, the thing I love about your posts is how open & honest & raw you are – love it! Many of us just can’t open up like that!

    I have gone to therapy in the past & I think there is no shame in it & wish others felt the same way!

    THANK YOU for this!

  25. I wonder if there are certain personality types who do better with therapy than others? I have tried it on different occasions without success. So should I keep trying to find the “right” therapist or should I just give up and go with what seems to help me? In my case, plenty of nature time (hiking and birding), eliminating junk foods and trying to eat healthy, plus minimal caffeine or alcohol (oh, the horror!), spending plenty of time with my dogs, and yoga and mediation? Or maybe just trying to be OK with the fact that I’m kind of “broken”? I’ve actually been mulling this over quite a bit recently.

    • Hi Esmerelda…I can’t tell you whether to keep trying or give up to try something else, but I can tell you that the “fit” between client and therapist is absolutely critical to the success of therapy. Just like in any other relationship, sometimes it’s a good match, sometimes not – and when it isn’t a good match, it isn’t anyone’s fault. It can take several attempts to find someone with whom you have the right “chemistry,” and that does not mean it’s due to your personality. You know, sort of like in dating, when you have to kiss some frogs in order to find a prince (or princess).

      Jane (a therapist when I’m not reading Charlotte’s great blog)

      • Thanks for your response, Jane. I’ve just read Andrew Weil’s new book “Spontaneous Happiness” and decided to give some of his advice a try, and hopefully that will make a difference…but just in case it doesn’t help, it’s nice to hear some encouragement that perseverance in finding the right match can pay off.

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  28. I live with this. As a child and in HS I was very pretty. I was also nice and shy so people would take advantage. I was made to feel like I was an awful person if I didn’t want to date someone. And someone who was supposed to be my friend drugged me, I don’t remember anything except feeling like I was floating. In college I struggled with cat calls and stares to the point that I stopped wearing skirts and dresses. I eventually gained weight and it lessened some. But I still have coworkers (especially creepy old men) that comment on my appearance or blatantly check me out. At my old job one man in particular used to bother me and even told me not to call HR. my other coworkers thought it was hilarious and my boss told me it couldn’t be considered sexual harassment.
    A friend once told me that all women regardless of size will be subjected to unwanted attention. I would like to be at a healthier weight, but to be honest I’m scared. I really dislike unwanted attention. Whenever I discuss this with anyone they seem to act like I am being arrogant, but having lived through it all I don’t want to repeat that life.

  29. I talk openly about my therapy experience in a one woman effort to break down the stigma against it. It helps that I live in NYC where most people see someone and having been in longer than out (started at 15 and only took 5 years off total, I’m 42 now) I am only surprised when people say they have never gone!

    My husband and I have been going together for coming on 6 years and when I share that I know it makes people worry for us that we’re on the verge of divorce but, thanks to our work together, we’re the opposite!

    Go you. Sharing really is caring!

  30. I’d truly love to go to therapy right now. I’d love to hear what a therapist thought of my situation and how I am handling it. I’ve talked to a few people about how we are living right now and they said there is no way in hell they could handle it.

    My doc switched my antidepressants about a week ago and I am very happy with the results so far. I’m not groggy like my old meds and instead of crying at the drop of a hat I am able to handle my emotions better. I will not say I am happy living here but I am able to be happy during different things again, like taking Sam to see Santa. Before I don’t think I would have enjoyed it.

  31. I spent 8+ years in therapy and it changed my life. CHANGED IT. I tried different therapist and I found the best one I had (for 5 of those years) was a man. In general the female therapist were too “talk to your inner child” for me. That sort of thinking while helpful for some is not at all for me. In fact, it annoys the crap out of me.

  32. I am currently struggling with a similar decision and found this post very helpful. I adore your blog and since I began following only about a year ago, I have recently been reading a lot of your past posts, feeling cheated that I didn’t get to read them sooner (and I am definitely going to ask for your book for my birthday in a couple months!!). I find this really helpful. I asked for some advice a while back on starting my own blog and am glad I did, and I made the decision to write about the choice for both my sister and myself to go to therapy in a week. I feel kind of embarrassed about it, and ashamed to admit that I need help and can’t fix myself, and though I read this post when it was originally updated, I hadn’t even considered therapy then. I find I can relate to the discomfort you feel writing about it, and that has helped assure me mentally that it is ok for me to ask for help. Thank you so much for all you do. Again, love your site!
    Kylie
    P.S. I read Women, Food, and God too, and I loved it!

    • Thank you thank you thank you Kylie! You made my whole week – this is why I do what I do:) I’m so proud of you and your sis for overcoming that embarrassment and seeking help. You will be glad you did! Keep me updated on how you are doing!

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  34. It takes great courage to go through it and even greater courage to talk about it. But knowing that it would help someone else out there always provides the encouragement to talk about it. Thanks for doing it.