No Gym Buddies, no classes, no Experiments (we do NROLFW on M, W, F) – this morning at the gym I was left to my own devices. This happens to me so rarely that when it does I get a little giddy. What would I do if I could workout any way I wanted to? First I did Tabatas, which I hate but do because they’re so darn good for me (lie: it was because I thought Gym Buddy Allison might yet show up and I didn’t want to look like I was slacking). Then I ran a few miles because it felt so fun (lie: “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” was on and I had to see if she really did pop the kid out in a cornfield).
But once I realized I really was solo, I went for my all-time fave workout: yoga. The peace! The serenity! The incredible shoulder soreness from too many chaturanga push-ups! And then it happened. The absolute grossest thing I have ever done in the gym. And the worst part was there wasn’t anyone to laugh about it with afterwards so I have taken the liberty of recreating my Most Disgusting Moment for you – with very bad illustrations.
After I did some Vinyasa sequences, fell out of a few balance poses and spent 5 minutes asking my hips if they were angry as I sat in King Pigeon, I got to my favorite part: inversions! Yay headstands! I kicked up and went to my happy place. (Notice how I’m keepin’ it real with all the germies on the gym floor? And also my awesome purple gym bag complete with Brita filtered water bottle? I want you to feel like you’re really in this moment – trust me, you’ll be glad.)
See, I’m so blissed out I don’t even care that I’ve apparently dislocated both shoulders and had my hands amputated! Or that I’m wearing white socks with black legs! Ahhh! But then… I feel something.
A tickle? A bubble? Am I going to burp or sneeze? Before I can decide what that funny feeling is, it happens.
I simultaneously burped and sneezed. Upside down. It wasn’t pretty. Good news: I didn’t fall out of my headstand! Bad news: I didn’t cover my mouth. Really bad news: being upside down directed the full force of the sneeze burp (snurp? beeze? sneezurp?) right up my sinuses.
For about 5 seconds I thought the crisis had been averted. That is until I felt something trickling down my face. (Either that or I magically grew a handlebar mustache!) People were staring (not pictured because it took me forever to draw one stick figure and I’ll be darned if I’m going to draw 10 more.).
Immediately I fell over and as soon as I was righted, a flood of – wait for it – brown chunks came out my nose. It was my half-digested breakfast combined with stomach bile and a bunch of snot. Gushing out my nose. That is absolutely the worst smell in the world, FYI. I grabbed my sweat towel but after the initial surge, while it had gone up really fast, it took it’s own sweet time coming back out. As soon as I thought it was done, another bit of egg or blueberry would come oozing out. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it burned. Stomach acid in your sinuses is a horrible feeling. I’m not too proud to admit it: I cried.
I spent the rest of the day feeling like half my head was packed with Gel Blox, like my eye was going to explode and every few minutes catching a whiff of rancid stomach bile. It’s 12 hours later and I’m still snotting randomly with a horrible headache. G-R-O-S-S. Lesson learned: do not sneeze while upside down. You’re welcome.
Have you ever managed to get your stomach bile up in your sinuses? What’s the grossest thing that’s ever happened to you at the gym? If you are left 100% to your own devices what workout do you do??
*I am a huge fan of the blog Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. I’m not trying to steal her genius idea; please consider my weak artistic skills an homage. And if you haven’t seen her blog before, check it out – you will laugh yourself silly. (Just don’t laugh so hard milk comes out your nose. That hurts. A lot.)