A scream: It’s not fair!
A surrender, a sigh: It’s not fair.
A realization: It’s not fair…
A cry: It. is. not. fair!
A complaint: It’s not faaaaiiiir.
An apology: It’s not fair.
A prayer; a whisper or a wail: It isn’t fair, Lord.
A question: It’s not fair?
This last one, the question, breaks my heart. It is too much to ask of me. How can I know the answer? My human heart cracks under the weight of betrayal. Of weakness. Of illness and pain and suffering and mockery. But this question deserves an answer. And my son, who looks up at me with liquid eyes, deserves an answer. “Mommy, why are some people born rich and others are born poor?” It’s not what I had expected from the child who’d been fighting over a ship built out of 4 Legos for the past hour. My other son answered him flippantly, most likely echoing something he’d heard me say, “Because life’s not fair.” Easy to say for someone who isn’t doing the suffering.
“It’s not fair?” he repeated to me.
Of course it isn’t. It never was. But I hate being the one tasked with educating these new little beings about the atrocities of life. (Just this morning I found myself explaining the death penalty to a 9-, 7-, and 5- year-old. I’d rather have the sex talk any day.) Someone has to tell them though. Eventually they’ll see a rerun of Kim Kardashian’s eleventy million dollar wedding and subsequent divorce 76 days later and realize that Star isn’t an astronomy magazine. For me that moment came in elementary school when I read The Diary of Anne Frank. I could not believe I lived in a world that would do that to a little girl. I was sick. I was livid. But most of all, I wanted off and I wanted my money back.
Twenty years later I’m still waiting on that refund but in the meantime it’s been a heck of a ride. I knew I had to answer the real question behind every iteration of “it’s not fair”: Why? Why am I sick when others are whole? Why does math come easy to him but not to me? Why do I have to exercise like a fiend and watch every bite I eat just to maintain “overweight” while she eats whatever she wants? Why do I want to throw up every time I see someone take their gloves off with their teeth because I have a weird aversion to teeth coming into contact with fabric? (Just me?) It’s horribly unfair.
Here’s what I told him:
1. It’s how we grow. Sure we can learn and grow from the good stuff in our lives but if we’re honest, it’s been the really really hard stuff that’s shaped us. I never would have started writing if I hadn’t been overwhelmed with my need to document my abusive relationship with my ex, taking back with my words what he’d stolen from me with his.
2. You can’t have empathy if you’ve never hurt. And if you don’t have empathy, you can’t have charity which in its purest form is the representation of all that is good in humankind. After battling IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and feeling like I swallowed glass for a year, I have nothing but respect and sympathy for people who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis.
3. Sometimes bad things just happen. I hate this answer but sometimes the best you can say is that you got through it and you hope it never happens again. I still don’t know what the point was in carrying a baby for so long only to have her die almost before she lived. What is the meaning of a life that only one person felt?
4. I don’t know. Right now I have two friends struggling with two very different but equally devastating life crises. Their stories are not mine to tell but I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to listen. And they have reminded me that sometimes listening is more important than any answer.
And so I listened to my son when several hours later he snuck up out of bed, pressed a wad of bills and change into my hand – his life savings – and said, “I want you to use my money to buy the poor kids food. Oh, and a flashlight, because they’ll need one if they ever have to fight a bear.”
It’s not fair. That I am the one who is supposed to teach them when they are the ones with all the wisdom.
I’m stocking up on flashlights, for the next time I have to fight a bear.
When did you realize that life is tragically unfair? What would you add to what I told my son? Anyone else have that phobia of chewing on cloth??
for more of my crazy antics and uncomfortable over-shares!
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You are such a good Momma. And your boy has a heart of gold!
I was 5 when my Mom entered her second marriage. My best friend’s father had recently passed away and I asked my Mom why I got two Dad’s and she had none? Couldn’t we share? That’s when I first learned life isn’t fair, and I am reminded of this on a daily basis, I just deal with it better now
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Oh, this is one of the hardest things to teach kids. Not only is life sometimes not fair to other people, but sometimes it isn’t fair to them. Ugh.
I don’t know my moment, but it came for my two young girls when a teen they loved and trusted stole from them. It sucks.
Sometimes my daughter asks me the most profound questions…and I wonder…should I just give her the adult answer, in nearly adult words, just barely toned down…or should I somehow tone it completely down to four year old level. She is only four. But the questions are that of a teenager. Never know what to do…so I can empathize w/ your position as a mommy on this one.
And I learned life was very unfair, very young.
Averie @ Love Veggies and Yoga recently posted..I Heard…
Oh my goodness, I choked up at your son’s generosity. How have you demonstrated/taught that to your children? We struggle with teaching our 5-year-old about how lucky he is to have what we do – it’s not easy to teach empathy and understanding. Any ideas to share?
I have nothing to add to your list, expect that you did a great job with the explanations, and by the fact that your child asked the question, you’re obviously doing a great job teaching him to understand the world around him.
For me it was the finality of death. I remember as a child, not really understanding the concept other than that it meant that someone was ‘no more’. I found it unfathomable that someone could just not exist any longer. It felt terribly unfair that it would happen to me and my loved ones. I wanted it only to happen to other people.
Years later I accept the inevitable, but it doesn’t make it any easier. (And my father passed away a week ago.)
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I know you’ve said before that you worry about parenting with a mental illness… but it’s posts like this that should tell you that you’re more than suited for the job. You have a certain gratitude towards life – perhaps because of reading things such as The Diary of Anne Frank at a young age… it gives you a certain perspective that can either cause growth, incredible sadness, or a hybrid (where you grow from the sadness)
My childhood was full of moments where I wish someone had been there to explain it to me (about my childhood)… I think the way you explained it allowed for his feelings to remain validated…
I’m rambling… (and overusing ellipses as always)
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I imagine your son learned his enormous empathy from being around you. And you handled it beautifully.
I think I learned that life isn’t fair when both of my mom’s parents died within a few months of each other. I was very young, and we went down to Maryland to sell her childhood home. My dad explained to my brother and I that watching the realtor hammer a “For Sale” sign in the yard was really difficult for Mom, and that she (the realtor) could have waited until we drove away, but that it probably didn’t occur to her.
What a difficult question to answer- I don’t believe you could have answered any better.
I learned life isn’t fair when I was in 6th grade. I was in the hospital for low-white blood count, and had just found out I had/have a heart condition. My best friend (of 6 years), wrote me a note to tell me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I wasn’t popular enough.
Heather @ Bake, Run, Live recently posted..Halloween Dinner
good gosh you are a great mom.
now that Im finished stating the obvious Im simple sitting and learning from you and your readers.
My girl was super easy until recently as she’s only now asking those hard hard questions.
My plan is what you did. Allow whatever she is feeling to be ‘ok’ (validate it) and try in my bumbling misfit way to explain the confusing whys.
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You are a great Mom, you answered beautifully. What a special little boy, this made me tear up.
I think I’ve always known that life isn’t fair so I never had that ah-ha moment, which now that I think about it – really isn’t fair ! (only half kidding)
I don’t think there is a “right” answer to that question, as it’s one we ask continuously throughout our lives, even though we know there is no answer that will satisfy us when we’re in that “Why me?” moment. You handled it with grace and class, as always, and your son’s actions show that you’re doing something right.
Truth be told, it’s NOT fair. Not much is, but we can use it to make us better or to make us bitter. What’s fair is that we all have the choice in which way we will go. Some days I pout like a four-year-old, but most of the time I remember the points that you made up above.
And for the record, due to my OCD, I cringe ANY time something goes into someone’s mouth that isn’t food (get your mind out of the gutter.) Holy freaking yuck, but I do it myself. I don’t get me. It’s not fair
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The wonder of youth
Life just is. The good the bad and the beautiful. I do believe karma plays out, but not always on our time schedules.
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Beautiful post. And the care with which you deal with unanswerable questions is amazing… I think so many parents would just be flip about it. Love your son’s response!
And thanks for the reminder to see what we can do to help others in situations that are far more unfair than the trivial things most of us whine about.
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Wow. What a fantastic post. (I found myself thinking “future sac mtg talk fodder here”…) I especially loved the flashlight in case you have to fight bears. Immediately took me back to one of my favorite stories from the old World Book Child Craft books about some kids who go bear hunting with a pillowcase and a flashlight and catch the wrong stuff over and over.
Take the little guy shopping with you to buy “food for the poor kids” and take it to the local food bank. And give him a BIG HUG.
Your son is absolutely amazing to want to be so generous. What a sweetheart. He obviously learned it from his wonderful parents.
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LOVE this post. Your son is magical, and I’m going to keep this quote in my heart always, “You can’t have empathy if you’ve never hurt. And if you don’t have empathy, you can’t have charity which in its purest form is the representation of all that is good in humankind.” That is so perfect and so simple. (It also may be the explanation for why your baby had to go before she could see the rest of the world. A dear friend experienced this a couple of months ago, and I told her that maybe all that soul needed was to be loved one more time, and that she was so well-loved in the womb that she didn’t need to see the rest of the world to know that it was good. Maybe it’s the same for yours.)
Kat recently posted..Better
Love this post. It’s such a hard lesson to learn, and one I’m still fighting…I can totally empathize with a lot of what you said…I don’t think I’d have anything to add, except maybe buy a pretty heavy flashlight for that bear fight…if it won’t turn on, you can just throw it at them.
haha too funny!
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II agree w/ everything you said to your son plus i would say that everyone has different problems. Sometimes health problems, financial problems, losing a loved one, etc, but no one is exempt from life’s trials. I believe that God gives us the extra peace & patience we need to get through our specific problems. I see people w/ children w/ great physical needs and think to myself that i could never handle that .. but i believe God has given them special provisions to get through it. God also allows trials in our life so that we rely on Him, grow closer to Him and are able to tell others about how He has helped us through it. The Bible says:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
I know you like to read and i know you are religious so i wanted to recommend the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. Its about a little boy who was so close to death he spent some time in heaven. He saw his sister who was a miscarriage and his parents had never even told him about her! He did not find out the reason that his sister did not live but the book reinforced the fact that God is in control of everything & there is a reason for everything. You might even want to read it w/ your son(s).
I am so pleased to know how you are dealing with your kids honestly. Compassionately.Taking the time to explain the difficult things tto little ones is hard…especially when you can see little ones slowly lose that perfect happy glow of life when they see things are not always good. I always appreciatedd that I could ask my dad anything and he’d take the tim eto answer me in a away I could understand, no matter how little I was.
…and I love the flashlights for bears
great article!
Great responses! Those tough questions always get me too. The other day, my oldest (5) asked me why some of his cousins (who are adopted from other countries) don’t look like their parents, so I explained adoption. I told him that sometimes moms and dads can’t take care of their babies and that sometimes the parents even die and so God lets another Mommy and Daddy adopt them and take care of them. He was so upset by the idea of babies not having parents that he actually started crying and asked if we could take care of some of those babies… It is so sad to have to tell some of these facts of a tough world to such sweet little ones…
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Wonderful post. Love how real it is. I also hate that I find that I have to say “I don’t know” far too often to my children.
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Oh Lord, spontaneous tears. Bless him for asking, and for continuing to ask until he found his way to become part of the solution. It is our only collective hope.
If he still wants to do that with his money in the morning, try here: http://www.fovc.org/giveshop.html
Zero overhead, established situation. I am in no way affiliated, but was referred by Semi Feral Mama, who knows a few things about life being unfair, and the administration of not-for-profits.
Such a beautiful post! And what do I zero in on? “Why do I have to exercise like a fiend and watch every bite I eat just to maintain “overweight” while she eats whatever she wants?” I’m horrible.
I was having a ‘life isn’t fair” conversation with my sister and it was actually SHE that told me this time (it’s usually me) that- “I can’t believe you’re not super thin and crazy muscular for as much as you work out and as healthy as you eat.” Yeah, life’s a wench. But you’re so right in everything you told your son. We cannot possibly understand the pain and suffering others go through unless we experience a little bit ourselves.
As a former professional seamstress, I would bite thread off cloth all the time, so yeah… no issues there for me..
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