We all have a favorite superhero don’t we? I mean, who doesn’t love somebody who can get away with wearing their underwear on the outside of a unitard? They give the middle finger to social acceptance and march completely to the beat of their own drum. Not to mention the other stuff like train racing, and building jumping, and being able to change inside a phone booth. Modern day superheroes have a rough time in the public clothes changing department don’t they? I just can’t remember the last time I saw a phone booth. Do they change inside Smart Cars instead?
Anyway, now that we’ve established our love for superheroes I wanted to talk about the other side of the coin; the super villain. This is the guy, or girl (we’re equal opportunity here) who is the arch nemesis to said superhero. Superman had Lex Luthor, Batman had the Joker, and Sonny had Cher.
What I wanted to bring to light today was the fitness super villains. These are the agitators and the haters. They spread calories and laziness wherever they go. Or sometimes, they’re just downright annoying. As you read through and say “Hey, I totally do that!,” then you’ll know which fitness super villain you are. Let us begin!
This is public enemy number one. He’s removed from New York City health clubs and spends his days damaging the hearing of innocent victims everywhere. He rips massive amounts of weight but does so completely at the expense of his own vocal chords. Every deep squat could potentially end up being his last. Or at least it seems that way. He brings the super power of instant social awkwardness everywhere he goes. When he’s working out we don’t know whether to help or cover our eyes because of the indecency. Is this you?
Super Fitness Villain Weakness: Hugs
Super Fitness Villain Weakness: Being around other people.
No, not the article of clothing, the villain who could douse house fires with the amount of perspiration that freely flows from their bodies. The villain who makes Right Guard go left. During strenuous workouts the people around The Sweater are forced to wear splash guards or at the very least some swim goggles. This villain leaves gym equipment everywhere hoping for a clean towel or even a sponge. The only place this person can workout safely is at home in a room with proper ventilation. Beware of The Sweater!
Super Fitness Villain Weakness: Layered Clothing
If there’s one villain that you have to avoid at all costs, make it Fantastic Fiber. He follows a healthy diet and works out regularly. In fact, his diet is VERY healthy, based almost entirely on raw vegetables and whole grains. 10 miles on the treadmill isn’t uncommon for this nemesis, but 9 of those miles are sure to be bad news for anyone around him. If you find yourself working out near Fantastic Fiber feel free to switch machines. If that’s not an option, PLEASE, for the love, keep your mouth closed. You’ll thank me later.
Super Fitness Villain Weakness: Flatulence Filtering Underpants
Be honest, which Super Fitness Villain are you? Do you have any others to add to the list? I can’t wait to hear!