“Son,” I took a deep breath as I sat him down at the kitchen table, “It’s time you know: There are two kinds of people in this world.”
Son 1 raised his eyebrow and prepared himself for the nugget of wisdom I was about to impart. (My children love it when I drop nuggets of wisdom on them. They love it so much that the youngest brings me magazines to the breakfast table in order to stop me from moralizing any more. “Mommy be quiet now. Mommy read.”
“There are savory snackers and there are sweet snackers.” I nodded solemnly. “There are also people who don’t snack at all but we don’t associate with that kind. If one talks to you, you can smile and be polite but try not to make eye contact. That only encourages them.”
Holding up his lunch bag, he asked quietly, “But which one am I, mom?”
“Only you can decide sweetheart but just know that even though your father and I are ardent sweet snackers, we will love you no matter what.”
After giving me a long considering look, he finally answered, “You know, I don’t think I want to take a snack to school today after all.” He walked off so quickly he probably didn’t see me throw myself to the floor, wailing and gnashing my teeth. My love of false dichotomies was shattered. But I soldiered on. Had to be strong for the other nippers.
While perhaps it isn’t quite this black and white, I do think that people have a strong preference for either salty snacks or sweets. In case the fact that I nicknamed my daughter Jelly Bean didn’t clue you in, I am most definitely a sweet snacker. Jelly beans, anything “sour” or “gummy” (yes, sour gummies throw me into a tizzy of ecstasy), and especially ice cream are my favorite indulgences. (Sadly, candy does not heart me back. If I eat more than a few butterscotch chips straight out of the bag then I get slammed with a headache and crushing fatigue 30 minutes later as my blood sugar goes on the coaster ride to hell.)
But in case you don’t know what type you are, I’ve created a handy quiz for you:
1. At a party buffet, do you load your plate first with cream puffs, pie, Jordan almonds, chocolate truffles and cookies?
2. At a party buffet, do you load your plate first with chips-n-dip, salsa, popcorn, pretzels, nachos and those blaze orange cheeze balls?
Give yourself 10 points for each yes, -5 for each no. Create an integral with one of the parameters being an imaginary number. Solve the equation using a matrix (or your TI-85 if you must). Take that number and put it on a “checked for quality by _” sticker. Affix sticker to either the salt shaker or the sugar bowl, whichever has more finger prints on it.
Being a sweets monogamist, I rarely venture into the world of savory snackage but when I received a care package from the folks at Pop Chips (the not-baked, not-fried chip of mysterious parentage) I agreed to taste them, in the spirit of adventure. To see if they won me over to the sodium side and to win a care package of your own, click through to my giveaway page.