Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they make a baby. (I know you were confused – you’re welcome.) In this whole scheme, women get all the glory. After all, we’re the incubators. But you know who gets lost in all of the gestating, birthing, bleeding and nursing? Men, with their pittance of bodily fluids, that’s who. And until a man learns how to lactate on demand, it’s probably going to stay that way.
But while a man can’t birth his own little bean – a fact I don’t think they are at all sorry about – that doesn’t mean that sympathy pregnancy weight isn’t real. Like a pregnant friend on Facebook recently wrote, “I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink. My husband asked me where I was going. Then he asked me to bring him a cheese stick while I was up.”
It just isn’t fair that while there are a plethora of workouts to whip new moms back into prebaby shape, there isn’t much for new dads. And frankly, if we have to suffer with this nonsense I don’t see why the men should get a pass. Chris Illuminati, author of A**holeology and so hilarious he puts ab rollers out of business, is going to be a new dad soon and asked me to fix this problem. Of course I was willing to oblige.
Charlotte’s Baby Daddy Workout*
1. The Pick-Up-The-Baby Squat. Being unable to hold himself up, your little bean will lay around just like, yes, a sack of beans. But a sack of beans that gets heavier every single day. To prepare for this, do goblet squats. First pick a weight resembling your baby (in weight, not looks – if you have a baby that looks like a dumbbell you have bigger problems than stomach flab.) Then double it. Triple it if you’re not a wuss. You never know for sure if you might be having twins or triplets until the last bit of placenta comes out! Squat down, pick up weight gently off the floor and then clutching it to your chest as if it is your fragile new PlayStation, slooowwwly stand up. Squat back down, returning weight to floor. That’s one rep. Repeat 12-15 times, for 3 sets. Be sure to keep your weight in your heels and BOTH hands on the baby/weight. To add difficulty (and up your wife’s blood pressure) hold weight over your head for the duration of the squat. Hint: Most newborns are 5-8 pounds
2. The non-dominant arm curl. Are you right handed? Then prepare to have your left bicep bulk out like the Incredible Hulk in the episode where he candy stripes at the hospital nursery (they did that one, right?) because you will constantly be holding your mini-me in your left arm so that you can get stuff done – like surf the ‘net, yo – with your right arm. To prevent looking as lopsided as an Iranian election, start doing bicep curls now. But ONLY on your non-dominant arm. Pick a weight as heavy as you can manage for 8-12 reps, 3 sets. To make it as realistic as possible, hold a carton of eggs in your other arm at the same time. If you end up with quiche, Epic Fail.
3. The colic lunge. New babies cry. Some of them cry a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Thankfully you can make lemonade out of your little lemon. Not only can you get quads of steel doing this move but you’ll earn extra bonus points with the wifey (not redeemable until 6 weeks post partum) for letting her get some sleep. First, plant your feet just wider than hip width apart in a sumo squat. Then holding your swaddled (the swaddle is key!) dumbbell/baby very tightly, lunge vigorously from side to side. This is not the time to be namby-pamby. When I say vigorously, I mean there is no such thing as too much motion to your baby. (Not to be confused with shaking your baby. For the love of John Edwards, never ever shake a baby.) Repeat for hours, any time any where. Ignore the evil looks from people who think you shouldn’t be taking your newborn to the movies, much less lunging like a maniac in the aisle. You may be a parent but you’re still a person and are therefore allowed by law to leave your house.
4. The chest press to throw up. Babies are masters of physics. They come out of the womb knowing that what goes up must come down and therefore anytime you hoist your little petard above your head, vomit is going to come raining down. Into your open mouth if you’re really lucky. To prepare yourself for this eventuality, lay on your back holding a dumbbell in each hand. Press straight up. At the top of the movement have someone jump on your stomach and then drop a couple spoonfuls of cottage cheese on your face. Surprise is the key to honing your reflexes along with toning your pectorals. Repeat 8-12 reps for 3 sets.
5. Running away from your responsibilities cardio. At some point after your wee one is born, it will hit you how much work, time, money and sleep you are losing in this deal. You will want to pull a John Edwards. Unfortunately the law does not look kindly upon refusing to care for your spermies that have made it out into the wild. Neither does your wife. So the next best thing to running away is to simply run. If you want to be a hero, put the baby in a jogging stroller and take him or her with you. Just make sure your music isn’t turned up so loud you can’t hear him or her cry. Start with 30 minutes a day 4 days a week, working up to daily sweat fests by the time the kid is old enough to make you have to stop and hold him over the biffy seat in the park for 20 minutes before he decides he’s too cold to poop (hey it’s a great move for your shoulders!).
Just remember new daddies – just because she calls you “baby” doesn’t mean you need to act like one! For more general hilarity and info. on fitness for new dads check out my interview with Chris Illuminati over on his site today! Leave a comment here and tell him your best fitness advice for new parents to win a copy of his new book!
*No this is not February’s Great Fitness Experiment. I needed a little more time to get that one all put together for you guys so you’ll find out all about it tomorrow!