Officially the weirdest offer anyone has ever made me at the gym (yes, this even beats all the Quixstar nee Amway pitches): “If you’re still pregnant next week, I’ll bring my gloves and I can just strip your membranes in the locker room.”
Warning: Gross Biology Lesson Ahead!
For those of you uninitiated with all things uterine, “stripping the membranes” involves separating the amniotic sac from the cervix. With their fingers. Take my advice and try not to picture it. This is often done as a way to start labor although a 2008 study shows, sadly, that it doesn’t work other than to give the mother-to-be mad cramps and some spotting. Having had it done in prior pregnancies I can tell you it is uncomfortable on several levels although if you are pregnant you will just have to get used to everyone short of the Channel 5 news crew checking out your cervix. I generally insist on being introduced first but I learned after my first kid not to even bother asking them to buy me dinner first.
Gross Part Over!
To be fair, the woman offering is an actual registered nurse and personal friend which made it a bit less awkward. But just a bit. Being the YMCA, I’m sure that stranger things have happened in our locker rooms but I’d prefer not to add to that list, no matter how desperate I am to get this baby out! Still, I thanked her. It was an offer made in kindness!
Countdown to B-Day
With less than 2 weeks to go until my due date, I’m definitely in that end stage of pregnancy where everything is so uncomfortable I’ll go through anything just to make the heartburn, hemorrhoids, swollen feet (not that I can see them), and jumping jacks on my cervix stop – even if that means labor and delivery. Today I made all the final physical preparations by getting the nursery all ready. I even ironed all her little dresses – how neurotic is that?. I painted two walls, mopped my floors on my hands and knees (so I could get in all the corners, see), got caught up on the laundry and scraped all the melted crayons out of my heating vents. Can’t have a baby coming home to Crayola fumes, right? I mean sure they say they’re non-toxic…
It’s official: I’m crazy.
I made my pies! I did indeed use the lard. I froze two but ate one (the family didn’t help nearly as much as they should have) and it tasted divine, thanks to all of your helpful tips! Sadly it looked like total crap. Who knew that rolling out dough in a circle is the baking equivalent of the Mensa exam? But all the apples were used: mission accomplished!
My mini-Experiment with my SAD Happy Light is still working out really well. It hasn’t quite been a week yet but I swear I feel better already. Placebo shmamebo – I don’t really care why it is working, just that it is! Although I have discovered that sitting in front of 10,000 lux does give me headaches so I’ve broke up my one-hour session into two half-hour ones.
Lastly, I was wrong. And I have no problem admitting when I have made a mistake. Many of you called me out this weekend for my post entitled “Coast Guard Recruits Anorexic Women in New Ad Campaign” saying that my calling the thin model anorexic was unfair and judgmental. I agree with you. It was a bad choice of words. While I still have my reservations about using overly thin women in advertising, I do offer my apologies for the way I wrote about it.
So what’s the strangest offer anyone has made you at the gym? Please, someone top my story!!