Incident: My three-year-old son was downstairs playing happily with his dinosaurs while I was upstairs playing happily with my ten piles of laundry in various states of clean. As I was folding (read: stuffing into drawers) my husband’s collection of 100 tech conference t-shirts, the thought suddenly occurred to me: What if my son got himself a snack, forgot how to chew properly and was silently choking to death just feet below me? My mommy heart leapt in panic and I leapt down the stairs – no mean feat for a woman eight months pregnant. He was fine and I was reassured. I went back to my laundry. So far only slightly irrational, right? But then, like a scene straight out of Groundhog Day, the thought kept recurring and I kept running down the stairs to check on him. After my ninth trip downstairs in ten minutes with no provocation other than my wildly escalating imaginations of choking disaster, it occurred to me: this is not right.
Incident: “I don’t think she likes me,” I said casually to my husband referring to an acquaintance of mine. “What? Why would you think that?” he asked. “Well…” I took a deep breath and detailed a long list of admittedly ambiguous actions on her part. “She was probably just tired or distracted,” he finally interrupted. Normally I’m the kind of girl who you have to hit over the head with rudeness to upset but that day I couldn’t let it go. I tried again to explain it to my husband, getting more and more worked up. “Why are you getting so upset over this?” he asked, rightly baffled. I’d been mulling it over all day, rethinking every aspect of our short interaction. “I think I should call her,” I said finally. “I think you should not” he answered perfunctorily. I burst into tears, “But she hates me! I know she does!” As I sobbed in his arms, it occurred to me: this is not normal.
Incident: Sleep is precious and despite my advanced stage of pregnancy, I am still able to sleep like a rock. (In other positive preggo news, my hair can do no wrong these days. Seriously, I can sleep on it funny, not wash it for a week and put it in a pony every day and it still looks like a Pantene commercial every time I take it down.) So why was I up past midnight nearly every night last week? I was researching the H1N1 (swine) flu. You are probably thinking, “There are probably only so many articles you can read about the flu before they all start repeating themselves. What on earth were you doing?” See, I was obsessing. It finally culminated on Saturday when I got a phone call from my child’s school saying there had been a case reported in the student body. I freaked and subsequently irritated all of my girlfriends for hours during our Girl’s Night Out by refusing to talk about anything but the flu, even going so far as to text my husband every hour to see if any of the kids had developed a fever. As one of my friends finally snapped at me, it occurred to me: this is not rational.
Anxious Over Anxiety
It wasn’t until this morning that I recognized the connections between all three incidents (plus many more in a similar vein that I won’t bore you with the details of). My old nemesis anxiety has returned. I have long had an anxiety disorder. Probably since birth, if you ask my family. For most of my life it went undiagnosed but everyone was well aware of how tightly wound I was. My anxiety has manifested in many different ways over the years: Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), panic attacks, chronic nightmares, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and, natch, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I have tried as many different ways of dealing with it: ignorance (is not bliss, it turns out), various eating disorders, especially over-exercising (they work but the cure ends up being worse than the disease), talk therapy (I love me some good talking), medication (with varying degrees of helpfulness), meditation/yoga (useful for preventing anxiety) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is probably the most helpful solution of the lot. In addition to my own trials and errors, there are several people very close to me who also struggle deeply with anxiety disorders; I have become somewhat of a de-facto expert on the subject.
The Spectrum – A Brief Overview
All of you have probably at some point experienced something like one of the incidents I described above. Anxiety is a normal emotion and everyone has it to some degree. So what’s the difference between someone who worries and someone with an anxiety disorder? Functionality. Anxiety becomes a problem to the degree that it effects your life and your ability to control it. It’s one thing to worry about getting the flu and do some reading on it. It’s an entirely different story to obsess about it to the point where you can’t think or talk about anything else, even when you really want to stop.
Intrusive thoughts – defined as an anxiety-provoking thought that repeatedly intrudes in your consciousness – are the hallmark of anxiety disorders. If you tend to worry nebulously about everything and nothing, your anxiety hanging like a cloud over everything you do, then that is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you have a brief, but extreme (most people literally think they are dying), “anxiety attack” then that is a panic attack. If you have repeated panic attacks, usually brought on by an intrusive thought, then that is Panic Disorder. If you tend to obsess over one particular thought or topic, then we call that an obsession and it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, “Pure O” (for obsession) type. If you feel compelled to perform a certain action – called a compulsion – to ameliorate the anxiety of the intrusive thought then it becomes classic OCD. There are other types of anxiety disorders but in my experience these are the most common. Please see the National Institute of Mental Health’s anxiety resources page for more info.
The Hormone Connection
In a surprise twist worthy of Woody Allen, where most women experience some form of post-partum blues (also called the baby blues) in the weeks after their baby is born, when my hormone levels nosedive I get post-partum anxiety. The good news is that post-partum panic/anxiety disorder is now recognized as occurring in about 4-6% of women. The bad news is that it gets worse with every kid.
After my first son was born, my husband and I slept with the lights on and our baby in our room, waking every hour or so to make sure he was still breathing. Even after pulling over our car several times to check his breathing, we didn’t realize that we were a little more anxious than most new parents. After my fourth child, I remember being so overwhelmed by panicky thoughts – mostly related to deathly harm of some kind descending on my children – that I couldn’t be left alone near sunset. My anxiety would build gradually over the course of the day until evening when all I was capable of doing was pacing the floor clutching my infant with the other kids following after me like confused baby ducks. Unable to eat or sleep, I was terrified. I thought I was losing my mind. The panic peaked about 2 weeks after the baby was born and then, just like the baby blues, was gone within a month. And I was back to my normal levels of neuroticism.
So you can see why I’m concerned that the anxiety is starting to ramp up even earlier with this kid. My apologies to everyone who has to deal with me in real life. I have 6 weeks until D-Day. Good thing this is our last child.
Any of you deal with anxiety issues? What have you found triggers you? What helps?
I live overseas and for the past year and few months I have gone to bed with a terrible stomach ache EVERY night thinking about what can go medically wrong. It doesn't help that I have a friend in the hospital here, whom I visit frequently and I see the horrors (in my opinion) of Japanese hospitals (we have it GREAT in America, albeit really pricey). This is compounded by the fact that I a)don't speak Japanese b) live in a city where I rely on public transportation (I can't fathom biking to the hospital on my deathbed) and c) have seen TWO women in labor trying to walk to the hospital! Oh, and I am pregnant here 🙂 BTW- did you know they don't do prenatal vitamins here??
Oh, Charlotte. I can relate, slightly – I have mild anxiety attacks, and have occasionally had some OCD spells.
I hope things settle down for you soon. At least you recognize what is happening to you and have some coping methods.
Egads Meg! I can't imagine. What are you going to do when you go into labor?
Bag Lady – Yes, the one thing I really have going for me this time around is preparedness. I know it's going to happen and I've started taking steps to deal with it.
Charlotte, I think that you and I are a lot alike. My breath caught reading about your first incident because I’ve had almost that exact same experience. I am often brought to tears at just the thought of something happening to a friend or family member…if my husband is five minutes late, my mom doesn’t return my calls, or I haven’t heard from my dad in a few days, I start planning funerals—I’m serious. When my daughter slept through the night at 5 weeks old, I lay in bed and cried—too afraid to peek into her bassinette because I was afraid I’d find her in there, suffocated. IBS, panic attacks…I've been there, too.
It frightens me to see your overview of different anxiety disorders…I’ve always just considered myself “a worrier.” I guess I never thought it could be something more.
Hi Charlotte, my husband's assignment will be over before D day! Thankfully! With my "issues" I don't think I could have made it. But the flight is a whole other issue 🙂
AAH!I have so much to catch up on here!
Just so you know- I have zero anxiety issues but that first incident? Happens ALL the time. And now with Seth though…he's a tummy sleeper…as in WON'T stay asleep more than 3 minutes on his back. None of the other boys were this way and I go through waves of completely freaking out panicking about it. (checking on him every 1.5 minutes). (and yes, he even did in the hospital!)
Anyway, I realize that has nothing to do with an actaul anxiety disorder but I feel neurotically obsessed with the boys safety sometimes. (as I'm sure a lot of moms do.
Anyway, SIX WEEKS. oy. keep going.
mmm, I have nightmares about my parents dying in a nuclear explosion (my hometown does, to be fair, have a nuclear power plant). I have had these concerns since I moved away to university- my entire family would perish, and I would be left to deal with the rubble that would be our family home and belongings. Yipes! Plus, now that I'm at school so far away, it'd even more recurring. Sometimes I call my parents 4-5 times a day just to see that they're not dealing with radiation fallout of some sort (as if I wouldn't hear it on the news first???)
Also law school has not helped the whole 'anxiety' thing. At least it's somewhat rational, but it often spreads to other areas of my life…particularly flaring up when it comes to social situations.
At least I've been comfortably diagnosed with GAD and social anxiety, so I already have a doctor, and an action plan for when the anxiety is so overwhelming that I become incapacitated by worry (oh it happens).
I feel like it's worse when you have kids though, at least I affect no one but myself (and by extension, I have fewer people to worry about).
As I was reading I kept thinking, "yup, that's me when I don't take my blessed Lexapro." I wonder if it's a coincidence that you put this post up today or if it's a sign from God. My anxiety went overboard this weekend, and I have been so depressed. Thank you for the post. I'm sorry you suffer these feelings too, but-selfish as this may sound-it's nice to know someone out there can relate. Now, will you tell me how you do the not-eating thing? My problem is that I over-eat when I'm anxious. Just kidding… sort of.
I live with an anxious person.
and thats all Im sharing on a public blog 🙂
email me if you want.
Once again, Carla and I have mirror lives. I'm a pretty laid-back Californian, but hubby…oh, dear. I should rent him out for anxiety studies.
Now, this may sound like a weird idea, but I think horror/suspense movies are great for anxiety. Let me give a specific example:
One thing that does totally freak me out is spiders. Whenever I sit down, it's always in the back of my mind that there's a spider lurking in a crevice somewhere ready to swoop onto my body.
So, you know what I do if my fear starts escalating? I watch Arachnophobia! After watching people getting sucked dry by killer Venezuelan spiders, my common household pests seem benign and ho-hum in comparison.
It took me until my late 30's to realize that anxiety was a core issue for me. Some external changes helped – left a job, stopped overloading myself with graduate courses, stopped doing social things out of obligation (so much ;-).
Ten years later, it's still tricky to manage and I concentrate on prevention and early detection. Yoga helps the most. Good diet – light on the caffeine, booze, sugar & sugar-like things. Breathing exercises. A sort of patched together affirmation practice that helps me refocus. And compassion – for myself and everyone else, even the ones who annoy the snot out of me. Especially them.
You're young, have a pack of young kids and are cooking up your last one – anxiety is practically a given. No matter how much support you have or how much you love 'em all, what you're doing IS actually really hard. It's great you recognized that you were on over-alert and are doing something about it. Letting it spiral is the truly destructive part. Good for you.
I am a person that tends to worry a lot but not to the extent that you do.. I really feel for you plus you have gone thru a lot in your life.
I worry about money & my health & things like that A LOT! Those two things keep me busy. Since various cancers have been in my family & I have lost both my parents, I worry a lot about death & getting cancer. Nothing I can do about it but I worry.
HUGS to you!
Cinderella – I totally do the "planning funerals" thing too! And I've shocked family members by how upset I've gotten when they don't call when they say they will. Maybe we should start a support group:)
Meg – Truly, I am so relieved for you! My husband's work has overseas offices and I told him I would happily live in another country… as soon as we are done have kids. Because I'm not birthing on international soil. PS> You'll get thru the plane ride! Just make sure to get up and walk around a lot.
katieO – Yeah, it's all a scale right? I know some moms (not many) who are completely relaxed about their kids and there are moms like me who worry about every little thing and then there is every shade in the middle!
And, too funny, but I remember when we were counting down YOUR last 6 weeks:)
I love you M! I have never obsessed over a nuclear power plant but I could totally see myself doing such a thing. Like you, my greatest strength is knowing that I have this issue and maintaining a support system to help me deal with it (and not indulge me in it!)
Wettstein – I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this too! Although I'm certainly glad for the company. We can have an online support group – crazy moms unite!
When FDR said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, it may have sounded good, but fear and anxiety are the toughest opponents we will ever face 🙁
I painfully watched it break down a family member. Fear is a stern master. Good luck to all of us!
dragonmama & carla – anxiety runs in my family so I too am well acquainted with caring for someone with an anxiety disorder. Thankfully none of us seem to have quite the same type so we don't make each other worse, lol!
Julia – I found your comment supremely comforting. Seriously. Thank you so much. (PS> I agree about the yoga! I often tell people that yoga saved my life!)
Jody – Cancer runs in my fam. too! I don't worry excessively about myself getting it (yet) but I do agonize over my still-living family members and can be quite the pain reminding them to get their screenings etc. 😉
Logic and deep breathing. Maybe this is CBT? Or some bastardized form of it.
I never been diagnosed with any of those but I always wondered, and now I think I should consult. I stress easily over anything. I do quite well in controlling rational stress (exams, oral presentations, etc.) but I go crazy over small things.
A laid-back super with friends has to be perfectly planned or I freak out, thinking about everything that could go wrong and how not having enough food to stuff them up is the end of the world. My boyfriend laughs at me for my insomnia: if I go to bed a bit late I stress that I won't get a good 6-8h night sleep, and because I stress I don't sleep and I see the clock ticking and I enter a vicious cycle. The only way I can control that is to always go to bed and get up at the same hours (even the weekend) and turn my alarm around so I don't see the numbers. I stress about a lot of other little details too, but I always told myself I just don't know how to chill.
I wonder if there a genetic component to anxiety disorders, or if the bringing up has a lot to do with it? My mother has always been the kind to stress over everything and anything, but she has had her share of tragedies in her life, so I always thought it came from trying to avoid the past repeating itself (for instance a severe car accident while she was pregnant 18 years ago, my brother is fine and she rarely complains about her injuries but it did change her and my dad).
Thanks for this post, it really makes me think. My thought are with you until your postpartum anxiety is gone 🙂
My anxiety peaked last year around this time when I started not being able to breathe (I realize now that I've always had anxiety, I just never had the physical manifestations of it). I think it was partly the fact that I was turning 30 and had no direction in life.
I just started my MBA last week, and I thought I'd have a lot of anxiety because of class, but so far, I've been able to breathe just fine. I think it's because I'm actually working towards something.
I want to have kids, but it does scare me a bit…I have one of those overactive imaginations and can picture myself having panic attacks. And that first example of yours with checking every five minutes? That could totally be me. My imagination starts going, and I know it's not real, but sometimes I just want to double check anyway. There's no way to know how anxious I'll be til it actually happens, but I'm hoping it won't be a problem and I'm just doing my imagining thing…
you and I may have come from the same embryo. I have dealt with all of the same crap (except the pregnancy-related stuff – wee -something to look forward to in the future!!) Therapy has helped a bunch, as have working out and talking with friends but the A+ number one thing to help me has been lexapro. The way my body and mind respond, it is 1000% clear to me that my anxiety is largely biological/physiological and just think of it as my body not producing enough of certian things/over-producing others, and like diabetics need insulin, I need an SSRI. But I so empathize – anxiety can ruin you. But you are aware and that's the most important thing. Plus, you're funny as shit, super-talented and have about a zillion other things going for you 🙂
I moved to a new city in March '09 and got myself a long distance bf at the same time after being single for 8 years (lots of new emotions!). New job. New city. No more small town. No more car. Public Transportation. Lack of meaningful local relationships (read: no friends). Huge increase in expenses (rent) thus less disposable income thus less money to go out there and do all the fun things the city has to offer. It is important to mention that my new job is toxic, filled with negative people, grievances, probation, incompetency and evil doers (not directed at me but in an office/cubicle type of environment… it's enough to disrupt your day and make you wonder when your turn will come (because it will).
I'm not sure what I am going through but feelings of anger, irritability, sadness, helplessness, hardness, anxiousness, restlessness, bouts of insomia, intense fatigue… have been big parts of my days when I am usually a very excited, energetic, contagiously happy, go-with-the-flow type of gal.
Change can cause anxiety but I believe it can help aleviate it as well. If you can put your finger on the source of it and move away from it… I don't know… I am seriously thinking of leaving this whole setup and moving to Korea to teach English to little ones.
I constantly think up these crazy situations about my car plunging into water and how I am going to get my two kids out of their car seats in time. I also have anxiety about things that have already happened! Like when my daughter told me she went in a pool at her friend's house when the adult when inside and specifically told the kids to sit out for one minute while he ran in. My daughter can swim, but in my head I kept going over the what ifs. What if she hit her head as she was jumping in. What if she got caught in the filter or something underwater. It goes on and on. Most of my anxiety is about safety and health. Car crashes, plane crashed, the pain in my calf – is it a muscle pull or a clot that will dislodge and travel to my lungs, brain, heart, etc.
I feel crazy at times but I also feel like with the media we are so tuned in to what can go wrong. Terror alert levels, pandemics, kids left on school buses.
See? I can get myself worked up in a second. To calm down, I usually try to take deep breathes and focus on something completely different. Or I let my imagination run full force until I have a solution to the problem that somehow comforts me. Like my plan if anyone breaks into the house, to get the kids, the phone and hide in the crawl space above the garage. I am nuts and just trying to deal with myself. My husband does not worry so I am trying to follow his lead.
My husband deals with this a lot…it's taken a bit to try and understand it anf find a way to "talk him down"…
I do admit though, in my forst year of microbiology, as I learned about all I could get…I was convinced every sniffle and cough was this new thing I'd learned about in class. I'm still a raging germophobe at times…I guess that's my thing. 🙂
You do know that anxiety and depression, they now believe, are simply different manifestations of the same chemical imbalance?
Me, I'm normally anxious-but when it gets bad I get depressed. I'm on a good rx. now and it helps a lot. NOT so much with the "monkey brain"- but the physical manifestations that go along with it.
What do I do? Recognize situations that can trigger problems and pre-plan to some extent how I will deal. Journal. Recognize that the seasons have a huge impact on my emotions -exposure to sunshine increases seratonin levels. Limit caffeine and sugar-spike foods. Hard physical work or exercise.
I hope the next couple months are not too challenging for you.
Wow. That is so me. I am very worried that post partum anxiety will happen to me whenever I had a child b/c I have had problems with anxiety for most of my life. Honestly, CBT is the best thing in the world for me, along with occasional periods of time where I have to take benzos (like when I fly). I've just accepted the fact that I can be okay without therapy for a year or two, but something will eventually happen that will set me off down the wrong path (like a big life change like a new job) and I'll have to go back to therapy. I'm fine with that though- it's just like any other chronic medical condition, it flares up and needs to be treated.
I'm usually pretty laid back, but there are very few things that get me seriously irrationally anxious. Worst example – when someone important to me doesn't call/come home/communicate when they say they will. I always think the worst. Especially if I'm home by myself.
Sending good, relaxed thoughts your way to help you get through this time without stressing so much! 🙂
Great post–I do think it's really helpful for folks to know they're not alone with this and that there are resources out there that can help!
I tend to be an anxious sort, whether or not I meet the official diagnostic criteria. If it's any help, it gets a lot better as you get older; many people seem to improve in later adulthood.
hang in there these next 6 weeks!
Oh Charlotte, I have SO been there! I had panic attacks. OCD, EDs, you name it. I remember my therapist telling me that the body doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, so when we fantasize about something bad happening, our bodies react as if it were actually happening.
I don't want to sound like an advertisement, but about 7 years ago I took an at-home course called "Overcoming Anxiety and Depression." It comes with a workbook and either CDs or DVDs of group sessions, and it helped me A LOT! I haven't had a panic attack since, and my anxiety levels are way down. I used it in conjunction with therapy, so maybe you could ask your therapist about it? The woman who runs the program is Lucinda Bassett, and it's called the Midwest center for Stress and Anxiety.
Hey Charlotte- maybe your hormones are just getting a jump start on this anxiety thing so that they can retreat into silence that much sooner!
I get heart palpitations that I now are harmless. However before I had it checked out, I thought they could kill me at any moment. Once I was driving my ENTIRE family (including my severely disabled mother) in a van and I had a panic attack b/c I had some palpitations at that moment. I figured if I go, they all go. When the paramedics opened the door to the van to check me out, my mom promptly announced to the (hot) firefighter that I don't eat enough calories- that's why I'm in this predicament! It was pretty funny. Anyway, I can relate and hope that things go smoothly for you.
All i can say is you are not alone. I am so anxious and worried about everything that I worry about how worried I am! I'm terrified something will go wrong with this baby (or me) and I no longer have a very supportive husband. He doesn't get it…at all….which makes me even more anxious and worried.
I know I need therapy or medication or both. I need to get on that quick.
and the fact that you only have 6 weeks to go FREAKS ME OUT because I am right behind you.
ACCK!
(seriously, I meant to leave a helpful comment but realize I am no help whatsoever!)
Charlotte-I am so with you here. I have had problems with anxiety since I was young (I can remember it at age 7, but probably even before that). I just had my fourth baby in April, and I have definitely noticed that after each pregnancy the postpartum depression lasts a little longer and the anxiety is worse. This time has been really hard, not only with having four kids to take care of but working too. I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks (that's a new addition this time around). I find that exercising helps and taking an antidepressant and making sure I get enough calcium (not sure why that helps so much???) also help too. Good luck to you, I love following your blog and reading the comments, it's nice to see that there are other people out there living like this.
I also have anxiety problems. Just what… 2 days ago I had an anxiety attack for no real reason, broke out in hives and wanted to claw my face to death. I think mine at this time are stemming from not wanting to be where I am now and feeling trapped. I don't really know what to do about it though. It used to happen when I went out in public, my whole face would get hot and I couldn't breathe and I wanted to run screaming from wherever I was. I haven't had that happen in a while though.
ToriEsther:
Calcium is used as a neurotransmitter (chemical messages in the brain) and in a lot chemical reactions related to hormones – it's useful for so much more than strong bones! Lack of calcium can definitely change someone's mood, energy, response to stress, etc.
(Again, sorry if the scientific in me comes out a lot in the comments of this blog, but I just had a course on calcium as a neurotransmitter in my endocrinology class so I had to say something :p)
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