Today I learned that maternity mags can be every bit as confusing as their sisters-of-a-wider (but thinner!)-audience.
Headline #1 courtesy of American Baby: “Fashions That Flatter Your Bump”
What exactly does it mean to “flatter your bump”? Is the object to make it appear bigger, thereby indicating greater fertility? Or smaller to show you’re not a greedy gainer? Or more bump-like so that people will stop thinking you’re just chunking out? Certainly they can’t mean to make you look thin as that is the antithesis of pregnancy. I skipped that article.
Headline #2: “First Time Parent? We’ve Got Answers!”
Well, I stopped having questions round about baby number 2 when I finally decided that everything that can go wrong probably will and the only “strategy” is not to have one. Country singers with prettier hair than me call it “rolling with the punches.” I just call it “wallowing in the puke.” The only question of any import in my house is, “Is there any blood?” Otherwise, I don’t want answers. Skipped that article too.
But it was headline #3 that really got me: “7 Reasons to Love Being Pregnant.”
While I love my babies with a love that would melt the ice caps if they weren’t already dumping hapless polar bears into the ocean left and right, I do not love being pregnant. There are times when I don’t mind it and I certainly ought not complain about it (not that that stops me, apparently) but love it? I suppose there are some out there who adore it, probably the same folk who would enjoy an alien abduction where they surgically rewire all your bodily functions to betray you at random moments. (True story: I once squirted a man – in the back of his head – with breast milk on an airplane. Curse those experts/sadists who tell you to nurse your baby during takeoff and landing to keep them from crying. That’s what binkies are for.)
So, here’s my alternate list:
What I love about being pregnant: the bigger my belly gets the thinner my legs look!
What I hate about being 7 months (!) pregnant: many things but today it’s primarily the never-ending heartburn.
What’s weird about pregnant: Now this is where I could come up with a very long list. For instance, being very pale with dark hair normally I have a fem-stache that requires bi-weekly maintenance but when I’m pregnant – no facial hair! Because it all migrated south. My belly, all bushel basket of it, is currently covered with fine, dark hair. I’m like a big ol’ furry teddy bear which you’d think would revolt me but secretly I’m quite amused by it. I like to think it makes me cuddlier, even if I am only capable of cuddling on my left side clutching a bottle of Smooth Dissolve Tums. Besides, past experience has shown that after the baby is born the hair on my belly will disappear as quietly as it sprouted (along with all the hair on my scalp) and I’ll have to go back to my every-other-Saturday date with Facial Nair.
You know what else is weird about pregnancy? Your skin goes completely crazy. Sure you have that “pregnant glow” that people gush about. Sometimes. But sometimes it is the gleam of sweat glistening on your brow as you hover over the sink to puke. (Note: sinks are way better for puking. First, you don’t have to kneel down. Second, if you’re lucky there’s a garbage disposal. Third, you don’t have to stick your face where everyone else sticks their butts.) So yes, my skin has on occasion glowed.
More often, however, it has broken out in huge cystic zits or gone all Sahara Desert on me. I can go for weeks with dryness so painful that I have to pat the sweat off my skin at the gym rather than wipe it with my towel. Currently I’m in a dry spell. There isn’t a lotion alive – not Eucerin, not Aquaphor, not even the humiliatingly named Bag Balm (thank you but I already feel like a cow!) – that can touch this dryness. It hurts to smile. Tears feel like acid running down my face. It goes without saying that I have not been able to wear any makeup save mascara, liner and lip gloss for almost 4 months now. And, because I have to stand backwards in the shower because of the pain, I can never wash my face. Being a normally very hygienic person this feels like the ultimate indignity to me.
So when Ponds sent me some of their moisturizing “Wet Cleansing Towelettes” (with the explanation that they’d be particularly good for gym use – I suppose because then you wouldn’t have to carry a bottle of face wash?) I didn’t hold out a lot of hope. But on our vacation there were about 5 days that I found myself without the benefit of modern plumbing. Lo and behold! They didn’t sting! And they got my face clean! (I might have even used one or two on my pits but I’m not saying. That’s me, the soul of discretion.) Although they didn’t come with directions, I’m assuming that you are supposed to rinse with water after using one but, not having water, I didn’t bother and they worked just fine. Since coming home I’ve become rather enamored of the little “towelettes.” They wash your face. They remove makeup. And while I probably wouldn’t be bothered to buy pre-fab face washers for everyday use, I keep the package in my car and have found them to be quite handy. Bonus: they are as gentle on my kids’ faces as they are mine. Want some to put in your own glove box/gym bag/diaper bag? Leave me a comment telling me about your skin woes! (You know, skin misery loves company.)
Don’t forget you can still enter to win the $100 Dick’s Sporting Goods giftcard, the Oiselle outfit, and the Fitness Magazine subscription and gift pack! All contests close Friday, Aug. 28, at midnight.
PS> Don’t forget to check out the list of healthy cooking/recipe websites – I’m keeping the post updated with all your fab suggestions! Thanks for everyone who helped out!
LOL!!!!! An absolute classic!! Should be required reading for every OB/GYN in practice!
Love the pics!!!
OK, my aged skin.. do those wipes take off hair!!! 🙂 I have more hormone issues than I care to write about but it goes from adult acne, to dry skin to oily skin to "ripping" skin to so much friggin hair!
Gentle wipes would be nice!
Thx for the cute stories too!
funny girl!
Dr. J – you have no idea how much I would love to have a captive audience of OB/GYNs at my disposal. The THINGS I would tell them. #1: never argue about due dates with a woman who has 10 pound babies.
Jody – I think that is the scariest thing I've heard all week. Ripping?!?
My skin woes? Hm, how about a stubborn complexion since the 2nd grade? Even though I am into my 20s, I can't seem to get clear skin. I've tried everything too!
I wish I could have read this before I had my first baby! I have oily acne skin that only got more so during pregnancy. Maybe my skin was glowing under the zits somewhere.
I had the same feelings on being pregnant, love the end result, not the process. My only somewhat funny pregnant quirk was the continual burping (I think from the heartburn).
I recently started using towlettes similar to the ones you're using. I always thought they seemed a little silly, until my boss told me she uses them after golfing. They seemed much more convenient than rushing home after working out to wash my face…only to get distracted the minute I walk in the door, forget, and end up with a huge pimple by bedtime. Loving the towelettes, though…I whip them out while waiting in line at Kids Stuff, wipe away all the sweat and whatever makeup is left, and toss the little sheet in the garbage.
As far as skin woes, I've always had seriously, crazy dry skin…I can completely understand how painful your dry skin is because I was dealing with that every stupid MN winter…Until I found the lotion that changed my life. It's Olay Quench lotion for extra dry skin–in a big purple bottle…it's kind of pricey, but worth every cent!
Lets just say if you put a little oil pump on my nose, you'd have enough fuel to power a country.
Ah, skin woes! 40 years old and still breaking out like a 15 year-old. Joy. Usually it's during PMS, but not always.
And this isn't about my skin, but I know get acid reflux with PMS. This is new and fun!
It's amazing that the many blogs remind me of things just as I forget about them and need them! I have sensative skin, and traditional cleansers make my skin wonky (or itchy…alergies suck), but theirs is great. And, no, I'm not a spokes person. lol. Totally forgot about them, but love them.
Sensitive skin is all I'm saying. It's not oily and it's not dry. In fact, everything's fine…so long as I wash it with water only twice a day. If I don't, break out. It's also a big problem with shaving, which I usually only do once or twice a week because no matter how many blades you give me, how many moisturizing strips, and how many times I switch out the blade to use a fresh one, if I shave more frequently than every third day, I'm bleeding from the face. As I said, it doesn't matter how new the blade is or whether I go with or against the grain. It's messed up, quite literally. I know it annoys my wife when I go a week without shaving, but I'll deal with the nagging over cuts any day of the week. Now if I can just find a job where it doesn't matter if I'm clean shaven or not, I'd be set.
As for those wipes, we had to buy a pack a few years ago for…some reason that I can't remember. They made me break out, but then, I have crazy sensitive skin. My wife liked them a lot, even when she wasn't preggers. Especially for the make-up removal on road trips. Brilliant!
-Josh
The Technical Parent
You are hilarious! I almost spit my coffee out about the squirting breast milk on the man's head on the plane. Pregnancy looks like a difficult physical experience, but at the end you have a baby, makes it worth it.
I lovethe cartoons in this post. Too funny and true. I get breakouts whenever I run in this hot weather and don't immediately shower. I might run at the park, then go home and get distracted for an hour and POW! zits are already there. What a pain.
Charlotte, that was hilarious. I'm curious to know what happened with the guy on the plane, though: was he mad? Did he think it was funny? Enquiring minds want to know! 😉
As for wipes, have you tried the Trader Joe's kind (assuming you have a TJ's near you)? They are EVEN BETTER than the Pond's. No lie. I love them.
Great Post! Skin problems, now where do I start?
Irritating acne for over a decade that is immune to all kinds of facewash. Ingrown hairs in some of the most awkward places (the woes of being curly haired). MRSA (staph) infection from shaving and then going to the gym that left permanent scarring. Also like Joshua, my skin is traumatized everytime I shave, red bumps, ingrowns, and it overall freaks out.
So I am terribly intrigued by the facewipes that do not cause breakouts, they sound magical!
~Karen
I always looked forward to being an adult because everyone says you stop getting zits. At 30, I don't believe them. For the most part my skin is clear but lately I've been on this few month streak where I get a few zits and they just keep moving around my face instead of going away. Sigh. Stress, me thinks.
I have combination skin, my nose is oily and my cheeks get dry easily. So far, my favorite cleanser is the clean and clear daily one with the scubbies – but not the one without, oddly enough, that made me start breaking out like CRAZY.
So nice to know that I am not the only one who did not like being preggers! Love my kids, hated having the jabs in the ribs, heartburn, leg cramps, etc.
My skin woes are that when I get pregnant I get the brown splotches on my face because of the increase in hormones. Once they finally fade away, I seem to be pregnant again and the brown splotches come back with a vengeance.
I used the olay wipes in college, to go to the gym in between classes, when I had time to work out, but not to shower. I just wiped myself down with them, and it got rid of the post-workout smell and I didn't feel totally gross going to another hour or two of classes before being able to shower.
My husband and I took a babymoon to Punta Cana earlier this month, where the prime visitors were not American. I saw way too many topless sunbathers, but your little comic with the inappropriate pregnancy swimwear brought back memories of the 8 months pregnant woman who was dressed about like that, minus the top.
My skin looks about the same now as it did when I was 14. Random regular breakouts, some scarring from said breakouts. Perhaps this is why most people think I'm young, unwed, and pregnant, which apparently gives them reason to scold me in the grocery store? I guess one day I'll be thankful to look 14, but I would settle for my actual 26 years 🙂
As a fellow preggo, I am so tired at night, that I never clean my face anymore. I always end up sleeping in my makeup (assuming I had energy to put it on) and it's not particularly great for my oily skin that is spending extra time in the sun chasing my 2 year old. I'm guessing that after baby is born, I'll be even less inclined to wash my face at night, after all, when does night start and day end when you have a newborn?!
I will need to look for those for my oldest daughter (might try the TJs ones too) – her face is breaking out from not washing it just after volleyball practice.
My face – in my forties and battling acne and wrinkles at the same time – just not fair!
My face woes: I am almost 30 years old and I just barely learned about the joys of makeup remover pads. Even when I do theatre, I used to just scrub my face to death. Now ive experienced the joy of makeup remover, I dont think I'll go back
I am in Doha, and here, I sweat like a beast! Seriously, it's amazing/horrifying how much I can sweat. OY. Even my face.
That was truly a hilarious post, and I am SO GLAD I do not have to worry about accidentally becoming pregnant. I would suck at it! The parenting part too, but at least I knew how hard that was supposed to be. But the "healthy glow" people had me brainwashed.
I psased through my teen years with great skin but now, in my early thirties, regularily have mild breakouts. I also have VERY sensitive skin.
I've used similar wipes when I'm travelling (especially long overseas flights to Asia) or after I play sports (after which we often go out for beer… yay rec league!!). Much love for them!
Six months out of my pregnancy, it feels like I was better off pregnant… hairs is coming out all over the place and I'm on my 5th plugged duct. Enjoy your "glow" (maybe olive oil?)
Oh gosh, you are hilarious, and absolutely right!! I am not a fan of pregnancy at all either. I get a very furry tummy too, but that's when I get facial hair! All around my neck and jaw and cheeks even!! I however, am not enamored by any of the extra hair. 🙂
My skin issues consist of having a very defined T zone. Not too much to complain about, but when I'm dry I'm very dry, and when I'm oily… well, you know.
Definitely a magazine worthy post!! 😀
Skin woe – knowing a pimple is coming (a BIG one) and not being able to do anything about it.
e.estt[at]yahoo[dot]com
I love wipes for cleaning up on the go, and they're definitely not just for the face. I have been known to use them to remove mud from my legs after trail runs.
LOL – I can totally relate to the squirting milk, although currently nursing baby 3, I've yet to hit a complete stranger. I will be flying in a couple months, though, so who knows…
I also don't love being pregnant, but one positive for me is that pregnancy seems to be when my skin is the clearest. I'm currently on the lookout for my first postpartum breakout. These wipes would probably come in handy when that happens!
I apparently had the "pregnancy mask" which is a really gentle way of saying the skin under my eyes looked like crap for nine months.
WORD to the sink. I only figured that one out with this pregnancy.
Skin issues? I'd need a book and not a comment box! Seriously, I love little wipes. I packed some in the glove box a few years for family vacation. We were driving 12 hours to Myrtle Beach, and predictably, the kids, then 9 and 11 thought I was silly. "We're not babies. We don't need those." Then we used a filling station bathroom that didn't have running water in the sink, didn't have any soap, and was out of paper towels. Who's silly now? We keep wipes in the car all the time.