Headline #1 courtesy of American Baby: “Fashions That Flatter Your Bump”
What exactly does it mean to “flatter your bump”? Is the object to make it appear bigger, thereby indicating greater fertility? Or smaller to show you’re not a greedy gainer? Or more bump-like so that people will stop thinking you’re just chunking out? Certainly they can’t mean to make you look thin as that is the antithesis of pregnancy. I skipped that article.
Well, I stopped having questions round about baby number 2 when I finally decided that everything that can go wrong probably will and the only “strategy” is not to have one. Country singers with prettier hair than me call it “rolling with the punches.” I just call it “wallowing in the puke.” The only question of any import in my house is, “Is there any blood?” Otherwise, I don’t want answers. Skipped that article too.
But it was headline #3 that really got me: “7 Reasons to Love Being Pregnant.”
While I love my babies with a love that would melt the ice caps if they weren’t already dumping hapless polar bears into the ocean left and right, I do not love being pregnant. There are times when I don’t mind it and I certainly ought not complain about it (not that that stops me, apparently) but love it? I suppose there are some out there who adore it, probably the same folk who would enjoy an alien abduction where they surgically rewire all your bodily functions to betray you at random moments. (True story: I once squirted a man – in the back of his head – with breast milk on an airplane. Curse those experts/sadists who tell you to nurse your baby during takeoff and landing to keep them from crying. That’s what binkies are for.)
So, here’s my alternate list:
What I love about being pregnant: the bigger my belly gets the thinner my legs look!
What I hate about being 7 months (!) pregnant: many things but today it’s primarily the never-ending heartburn.
What’s weird about pregnant: Now this is where I could come up with a very long list. For instance, being very pale with dark hair normally I have a fem-stache that requires bi-weekly maintenance but when I’m pregnant – no facial hair! Because it all migrated south. My belly, all bushel basket of it, is currently covered with fine, dark hair. I’m like a big ol’ furry teddy bear which you’d think would revolt me but secretly I’m quite amused by it. I like to think it makes me cuddlier, even if I am only capable of cuddling on my left side clutching a bottle of Smooth Dissolve Tums. Besides, past experience has shown that after the baby is born the hair on my belly will disappear as quietly as it sprouted (along with all the hair on my scalp) and I’ll have to go back to my every-other-Saturday date with Facial Nair.
You know what else is weird about pregnancy? Your skin goes completely crazy. Sure you have that “pregnant glow” that people gush about. Sometimes. But sometimes it is the gleam of sweat glistening on your brow as you hover over the sink to puke. (Note: sinks are way better for puking. First, you don’t have to kneel down. Second, if you’re lucky there’s a garbage disposal. Third, you don’t have to stick your face where everyone else sticks their butts.) So yes, my skin has on occasion glowed.
More often, however, it has broken out in huge cystic zits or gone all Sahara Desert on me. I can go for weeks with dryness so painful that I have to pat the sweat off my skin at the gym rather than wipe it with my towel. Currently I’m in a dry spell. There isn’t a lotion alive – not Eucerin, not Aquaphor, not even the humiliatingly named Bag Balm (thank you but I already feel like a cow!) – that can touch this dryness. It hurts to smile. Tears feel like acid running down my face. It goes without saying that I have not been able to wear any makeup save mascara, liner and lip gloss for almost 4 months now. And, because I have to stand backwards in the shower because of the pain, I can never wash my face. Being a normally very hygienic person this feels like the ultimate indignity to me.
So when Ponds sent me some of their moisturizing “Wet Cleansing Towelettes” (with the explanation that they’d be particularly good for gym use – I suppose because then you wouldn’t have to carry a bottle of face wash?) I didn’t hold out a lot of hope. But on our vacation there were about 5 days that I found myself without the benefit of modern plumbing. Lo and behold! They didn’t sting! And they got my face clean! (I might have even used one or two on my pits but I’m not saying. That’s me, the soul of discretion.) Although they didn’t come with directions, I’m assuming that you are supposed to rinse with water after using one but, not having water, I didn’t bother and they worked just fine. Since coming home I’ve become rather enamored of the little “towelettes.” They wash your face. They remove makeup. And while I probably wouldn’t be bothered to buy pre-fab face washers for everyday use, I keep the package in my car and have found them to be quite handy. Bonus: they are as gentle on my kids’ faces as they are mine. Want some to put in your own glove box/gym bag/diaper bag? Leave me a comment telling me about your skin woes! (You know, skin misery loves company.)
Don’t forget you can still enter to win the $100 Dick’s Sporting Goods giftcard, the Oiselle outfit, and the Fitness Magazine subscription and gift pack! All contests close Friday, Aug. 28, at midnight.
PS> Don’t forget to check out the list of healthy cooking/recipe websites – I’m keeping the post updated with all your fab suggestions! Thanks for everyone who helped out!