The great thing about having an ever-expanding waistline is that it makes it so much easier to navel gaze. There’s just something about pregnancy that makes me turn inward. Many of my friends have noticed it, wondering aloud if I’m okay (yep!) and when Old Charlotte is going to come back (better give me at least a year, sorry!). While disconcerting to some, I don’t think I’m alone in this pregnancy induced self-absorption (selfishness?). Not only have my sister and several friends who have recently spawned experienced similar feelings but it seems like famous women – women who have more money, resources, talent and looks than I do – are similarly affected. Poet Laureate Maya Angelou has written a poignant essay about her pregnancy with her son and his birth, noting that while she didn’t write during her pregnancy her creativity was channeled inward; fittingly, her son is now a novelist. Sylvia Plath’s creative and emotional struggles during her pregnancies are well documented. Perhaps this is one reason why Jennifer Hudson, despite being obviously pregnant, refuses to confirm it.
Pregnancy is a mixed bag. Despite this being my fifth pregnancy (sixth if you count my miscarriage) I am not one of those women who loves gestating. It’s the end product that keeps me coming back.
Things I Love About Being 24 Weeks Pregnant (On Saturday)
1. Feeling the baby move. For awhile I was the only one who could feel her testing out the newness of her bones and the potency of her fledgling muscles. Now my children and husband can feel her and – weirdly – see her moving under my skin. There simply isn’t a way to describe the intimate wonder of having another person living inside you. It’s a feeling so unique and so precious that after the baby is born – years after, even – I will still stop what I’m doing and pause (pregnantly?) when an intestinal burble feels like a phantom kick.
2. Heightened senses. During the first trimester, my heightened sense of smell lead me to puke in church due to an injudicious use of drug store cologne and run past the meat counter at the grocery store while holding my breath. Now however, it makes food taste amazing. Everything from cereal to a grilled cheese to alder-planked wild Alaskan salmon tastes divine. Nothing ever tastes as good to me as it does when I’m pregnant, a fact that amuses my husband to no end as I gush over an off-season apple or even a cold french fry. And it’s not just smell and taste either. Colors are brighter, music more moving, even my sense of touch is honed as I can’t stop touching the smooth cheeks and soft curls of my already-borns.
3. I’m calm. The hormones from pregnancy soothe my tumultuous soul and I am offered a respite from the clawing anxiety that unpregnant I must manage with drugs or therapy or lots and lots of yogic breathing. Calm does not mean unemotional though. I cry during baby soap commercials and when my three-year-old falls asleep in the arms of my seven-year-old and at the ending of The Book Thief (which I totally recommend if you haven’t read it yet!). But it’s not a sad crying but rather a heightened appreciation for all the fragile pieces that make up a life.
Things I Do Not Love About Being This Pregnant
1. I hate being big. Some women feel sexy and fertile and, well, womanly whilst gestating. I just feel… obvious. Conspicuous. I am not so large yet that I am terribly uncomfortable but I know what is coming and with each pregnancy it seems to strike earlier: the heart burn, the bone grinding monotony of only being able to lay on my side (and only my left side if I’m feeling particularly generous with the oxygen), the needle-stabbing round ligament pain that has already signaled an end to my running 2 months earlier than last time, the chronic gasping for breath, the wee limbs poking my cervix. And worst of all, the chronic complete overpowering exhaustion that my doctor attributes to anemia that is not remedied by iron pills nor parting ways with my vegetarianism.
2. I hate being big (part II). Every part of me feels big. Unrecognizable. Foreign. The part of my brain that was critical of me before now has ten times the fodder to work with. I try not to listen to it or to the scale that shows I have already gained 18 pounds at a point where most women have gained half that. This weight can be partially attributed to my orgiastic delight in food these days and also to the fact that I have large babies (averaging 9-10 pounds a piece). Neither fact consoles me. My husband tells me to enjoy this last pregnancy and eat what I want, that I have the rest of my life to lose the weight. But I know how hard it is to lose weight and the expectations of society, acquaintances and even friends weigh heavily upon me. I don’t want to have to “lose the weight.” I don’t want to fight that epic battle with “the last 10 pounds.” I don’t want to care if I am an MILF or a yummy mummy or if I just have a mummy tummy. But I will lose and I will fight and, sadly, I will care.
3. Introversion. How quickly introspection degrades to introversion. There are entire days where I look up at the end and for the first time realize there is a world outside my window. Friends need a listening ear, neighbors need meals, books need writing, houses need cleaning, blogs need posting. But all I want to do is sleep, eat and marvel at my children. And read everything I can get my hands on. My secret – and I’m positive, hormone-induced – obsession is watching shows about pregnant teenagers. Not having cable, I crouch in front of Hulu every night to enmesh myself in MTV’s 16 and Pregnant or ABC’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I know from past experience that almost immediately after birthing, these shows will lose their thrall over me and that my interest in The Important Things will return.
In fact, this is the one overriding aspect of this entire pregnancy: the temporariness. Babies, by their very nature, are fleeting and all of it – the loves and the hates – will be over in a little more than 3 months. After that I will never again have a good reason to navel gaze, except perhaps to watch my stretch marks fade from tiger-lady red to lightning-bolt silver. And so I do it now.
Enjoy every moment!
YES! Enjoy every second. It will not be much longer.
As a non-mom, I still enjoyed the update. Thanks!
Awesome post. That picture is weird, and it must be computer generated. For one thing, I often saw Kevin's foot sticking out of my belly, but it was never defined like that! I don't think that's possible. Anyway, with two pregnant sisters, I enjoy watching their bellies change shape. That's the best part of pregnancy, in my opinion, belly watching!
Charlotte, that was beautiful – even the non-beautiful parts. ๐
Out of curiousity, have you ever read the book "Spinning Straw Into Gold?" It's basically a study of fairy tales (both the original versions, and how Disney changed them) and their meanings as they pertain to women's lives.
One of the things that stuck with me after I read it was the sleep metaphor that shows up in fairy tales (Sleeping Beauty and Snow White being the obvious examples) and how women, when they are undergoing some sort of massive internal change (such as gestating a baby) tend to find themselves tired all the time. The author's theory was that THAT was where the "sleeping" fairy tales came from. It was SUPER-interesting, and if you're reading a bunch these days, you should totally check it out.
Love you, and good vibes and happy thoughts and affirmative prayer to you and the baby! ๐
Congratulations!! I am so excited to hear about your pregnancy! I am going to make sure I follow more closely from now on.
I liked this update to. Thanks! Maybe you should try and take a scale fast- don't get on a scale until your baby is 3 months old and dont have them tell you at the doctor. It could help you to not care as much- maybe… but then you dont get the awesome feeling of knowing you've lost 20 lbs in a week ๐
I become very introverted and introspective during pregnancy too. Not sure what it is about having a baby in my belly, but I definitely prefer to stay in more.
That said, you're very right. It IS a very short "season" in the grand scheme of things. And having a baby is a wondrous thing.
Congratulations to you!
Loved this post and whole heartedly cheer on your introversion.
from the trashy tv to the just focusing on YOU and the girl gorwing inside….
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Wow, having never been pregnant I had no idea of the profound effect it has on every aspect of life. And you write about it so beautifully!
Wonderful post. I love the photo. I loved being pregnant, even when I got so large that my co-workers would always comment, "Oh my god-you're huge".
I went and got a pregnancy massage during each pregnancy and it helped with the hip pain immensely.
My personal experience with pregnancy, as viewed from watching my wife do it twice, is that she will never be pregnant again. She is incredibly sweet, but once those baby-growing hormones kick in, I might as well move out of the house. Gestating may be a beautiful thing to some people, but we had a hard go of it both times. Anyone ever see Dawn of the Dead, where survivors are trapped in a mall, hiding from the vicious, snarling zombie horde? Yeah…it's kind of like that in our house. No more.
Still, very poignant, Charlotte, and it's your blog, so be self-indulgent more.
What a thoroughly beautiful and marvellous post – I don't have kids, nor have I ever been pregnant but your words really spoke to me and I felt like I could relate. You are fully entitled to be self indulgent! Go forth and navel gaze! xxx
Being pregnant myself, I love reading about other's pregnancies! And yours is no exception! I love how you put these things into words. But I prefer the gestating part over the end result. I keep wishing that I could pop out an interactive toddler, but yet again I'll be having a newborn. Alas. lol.
Being a guy, I may not understand it, but I LOVE it!!
Great post.
Sorry I haven't commented much lately (Google reader), but I couldn't let this pass without comment. I completely agree with Joshua's last sentence – this is your blog – INDULGE!
So, so, so beautifully written Charlotte! I feel indulgent just reading it. Love you!
It's so interesting to hear your experience.
Before I got pregnant, I tried to amass as much information about pregnancy and having children as I could, as if that would prepare me somehow. No matter how much I informed myself, I never felt educated enough, so I just decided to take the plunge. And it's been pretty much diametrically opposed from what I predicted it would be.
Upsides:
I have an enormous amount of energy and desire to do things. I'm busier and more active than I've ever been non-pregnant. I feel like I'm flying high.
Neither upsides nor downsides:
I feel a little disconnected from my emotions. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. Now it really takes something to get me to profoundly care about anything.
Downside:
I hate feeling fat. And the knowledge that this is only going to get worse over the next 5 months. The only thing that keeps me from feeling perpetually bad about my body is that everyone else seems to think I look so much better now than before.
Thanks for allowing me to share my experiences here in the comments.
I love your pregnancy-related posts. Keep 'm coming!
Liked your post, and loved that picture…I wonder if it's real.
When I was pregnant I loved watching pregnant lady movies. There's: The Waitress, Juno, and Knocked Up to name a few (in case you're interested).
Great post. No babies or pregnancies of my own to speak of but should it ever happen in the future, i look forward to the introspection and the heightened senses (not so much the pain, discomfort, puke parts).
Things to look forward to I guess. I can't wait for the food smells to be a benefit! I'm totally torn right now, my appetite is CRAZY, but I just started up-chucking…
I do agree, it is short. But at times it feels long…
Go ahead and indulge, whether in self-reflection, snacks, or sleep! Enjoy this time. (And I, too, feel those intestinal gurgles as phantom kicks!)
Just a note on that picture. It is computer generated. From what I understand for a foot to be so clearly defined the placenta would have to be missing, etc.
Oooh, here is a long thread on this pic
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/forum/forum_comments/1985/P0/
Amazing post Charlotte! Your writing is so real & makes us feel like we are going thru this with you! Never being pregnant nor wanting to, I love reading about your experience! That sense of food is COOL! Enjoy when you can!
Beautifully written. At least you still have your intellect. Mine went out the window a couple of months ago.
I felt a disconnect with the rest of society with most of my pregnancy. A very very GOOD disconnect. For as loony as I got about everything else, there was a part of me that was completely calm. zen.
"But it's not a sad crying but rather a heightened appreciation for all the fragile pieces that make up a life." Oh I know, I know. I'm still there.
Good for you for looking for the positives. I had a hard time doing that this time around.
(p.s. I am still SO in shock you are having a girl.)
Indulge away, I say. Both in life and on the blog. As someone who is not a kid-person at all (at least at this point in my life), I loved it. I never knew how much pregnancy affected all aspects of your life. The feeling huge, the tiredness, the puking, sure. But I had no idea of the heightened senses and the introspection.
"My husband tells me to enjoy this last pregnancy and eat what I want, that I have the rest of my life to lose the weight." When people say things like that to me, I find it's really useful for bringing me back to earth and putting it in perspective again.
I'm so glad that you're keeping us all updated on how the pregnancy is going! That's really cool. Enjoy it!
Hey…you said somewhere that you like the starburst jelly beans, but can't find them, yes? They're my favorite too. Well, I found some at kmart. And, I know they're not from easter b/c they didn't have any the last time I went there. So, if you do like them check there! If you can't find them, I bought an extra bag so let me know and I can send it to you!
such a great post Charlotte! Can you send me some of your pregnancy calm, because I'm working in the reverse! ๐
and you are not alone, I am completely obsessed by "16 and pregnant" as well. I just cannot turn away!
Enjoy the solitude. let yourself be, whether it's being big or being introverted or being super-sensing or just being connected to your baby during this time when only you can do so!
Pff if this is your navel-gazing you should do it all the time ๐ my navel-gazing comes out as babble. I don't even punctuate. ๐
Diana – Thanks for letting me know!! SweeTart Jelly Beans are my fave but I also love Starburst ones. And pretty much every other kind of Jelly Bean in existence! We do have a Wal-Mart so I'll look for them next time I'm there!
Oh, yes, the sweet tart ones! I forgot about those…haven't seen them in ages ๐ Thankfully the chewy sweet tarts fill that void…not often, but every blue moon I just NEED them ๐
you deserve to be 'self-indulgent" and write about whatever the heck you want! Now that I/we are contemplating pregnancy, this kind of stuff if at the toop of my mind, so I appreciate your honesty.
Some things I needed to be reminded of…and some things I cannot forget about pregnancy!
ditto ditto ditto
selfish, no: times and seasons. I fight with my husband more when I'm pregnant than any other time because I want to be the pregnant princess and he doesn't support my temporarily regal lifestyle!
I'm not pregnant– and I'm not 16– but I find the show fascinating. How each teen (and, sometimes, their partner) responds to the sitution and reality is surprisingly interesting!
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