The photo caption reads: “Noah Lindsey Cyrus & Emily Grace Reaves, with Emily’s dog Bunny, pose for the cameras at Brittany Curran’s Retro 50’s Poolside Bash on Saturday, May 30 in Burbank sporting Juicy Couture vintage bathing suits. The two friends filmed an episode of their Noei and Ems Show at the party. So pretty!” (Click pic to enlarge)
Leaving aside for the moment the fact that I totally and completely covet that “retro” swimsuit (for when I’m not preggers, natch – that adorable little skirt would make me look like a circus clown right now), there are SO many things wrong with this picture. See, Noah, i.e. “Noei”, Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ little sister. As in, she’s nine. And her little gal pal Ems? Is eight.
1. This is not the Nickolodeon Kids’ Choice Awards – the one venue at which it might be appropriate to let pre-tween walk the red carpet. Rather it is for the pool party of one Brittany Curran – a 19-year-old starlet I’ve never heard of but apparently likes to invite 9-years-olds over to “play”.
2. They’re wearing swimsuits, yes. But lacking any context of an actual water-filled receptacle, it kinda looks like they’re wearing little hooker dresses and jackets. Not to mention all the makeup and – I strongly suspect – spray tans involved.
3. A nine-year-old chugging a Red Bull. That is one child who will not be hitting her 8-o-clock bedtime, methinks. And it’s even a school night. (Dear Cyrus Parents: I gave you a pass on the Vanity Fair nakie-pics debacle because 15-year-olds are notorious for doing things like that – albeit on a less national scale – but a nine-year-old cannot purchase a Red Bull. Someone had to give it to her. Please supervise your children. Thank you.)
4. This marks my age I’m sure, but a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old “filming” an “episode” of their (YouTube only) “show” that centers around a swimsuit party sounds a) crazy and b) a little creepy. There are pedophiles out there, people. Egads. At the very least there are anonymous commenters out there, one of whom wrote, “the girl on the right has fat thighs.” (Holy crap, if an 8-year-old has fat thighs then what chance does a post-pubescent actual woman have?!?)
5. This last one is just my personal pet peeve but who names their girl “Noah”?? I have nothing against off-beat names but I wish people would leave boy names to the boys! You have no idea how hard it is to name a little boy these days!! People keep taking all the boy names – think Ryan, Jordan, Kyle, Taylor, Charlie and Micah – and appropriating them for girls! A girl can take a boys name and everyone thinks it’s cute and original but let me assure you it does not work the other way around. The net result is a dwindling pool of appropriate boy names. Basically you’ve left us with John, Ralph and Atrayu. Oh, and Horace. Seriously, quit it!
What say you? Am I overreacting? Did I miss something hilariously atrocious? Do you not share my hatred of girls stealing boys names?