New Safety Rules For Fitness Freaks


“Dear Charlotte.” I’ve always liked the sound of that. Moreover, I always like being asked for advice by perfect strangers. But even better is giving advice to people who don’t even ask me for it! Which is why when Reader Chris Illuminati recently forwarded me this “Dear Abby” column, I had to write my own reply.

Cardio Carrie writes,

DEAR ABBY: I was the only person working out in the gym at my apartment complex the other evening when a man, presumably another resident, came to the front door. To enter, you must swipe your access card on the keypad.

He apparently did not have his access card with him and sat outside the door waiting for me to let him in. Because I was working on a cardio machine and trying to maintain my heart rate, I didn’t want to interrupt my workout to open the door. He eventually tired of waiting and left.

Should I have stopped and let the person in the door? Or should he have gone back to get his access card? — CARDIO CARRIE IN GEORGIA

Dear Cardio Crazy,

I have to say I like the way you think, girl! Your first thought was not fear for your personal safety (How many horror movies have started with the old “I forgot my gym card” excuse? None? I don’t know, I hate horror movies. Anyhow.) but fear that you’d fall out of your heart rate zone. Now that’s cardio dedication! Nothing ruins a good interval like having to hop off the ‘mill and hobble across the room whilst getting your sea legs back. Plus, if you’re anything like me, the second you stop running you’ll break out into a crazy flop sweat that will sting your eyes and possibly make you throw up. Okay, so most people are not like me. Still though, whatever your reasons, they led you to the correct conclusion: Don’t open that door.

In fact, I’d say that’s good fitness advice to anyone in today’s new-fangled technological workout world. New fitness paradigms require new safety rules.

Safety Rule #1: Don’t Open That Door. Which door? Any door! If it’s a door at a gym and it’s closed then it’s probably that way for a reason. Nothing sucks the fun out of a nice Vinyasa Yoga class when right in the middle of Final Resting Pose somebody opens the door “just to, you know, see what y’all are doing in here!” and lets in blasts of pounding rock music mixed with CNN from the cardio floor behind them. Your yoga-relaxed brain will explode. Other doors you probably don’t want to open: the restroom (closed means it’s in use), the manager’s office (closed means they’re softly banging their head on their desk in despair and you don’t need to see that), the personal trainer’s office (closed means they’re picking through the lost and found looking for “losts” they can “found”) and the supply closet (just… don’t go there.) If you exercise outdoors, stay away from any door that doesn’t belong to you. If perchance you do open someone else’s door, just be sure to have practiced your Alzheimer’s head shake and mumble. And – Cardio Girl? – there are scary people out there. If you are alone in a gym at night and someone you don’t know pounds on the door, don’t let them in. Same goes for when you’re at home.

Safety Rule #2: Don’t Push That Button. With all the new cardio and weight equipment out there, chances are pushing a button will either activate the rocket booster under your seat or drop an oxygen mask from the ceiling. You don’t want to mess with that. Just press “quick start” on any machine you land on and then fiddle with the arrow keys until the resistance is where you want it. And those “program” buttons? Do you really want a fitness machine to have the power to program you? I thought not.

Safety Rule #3: Don’t Open That Box. The box on the wall is either a fire extinguisher or an AED device (automatic electronic defibrillator). If it’s the former, and there’s a raging treadmill fire then you’re a hero but if you caused that tready fire by dropping your cigarette butt while running then other gym patrons will use the extinguisher to club you to death first. If it’s the latter, I know they say that the new AEDs are so easy a child could use them but that doesn’t mean you get to rip off random people’s shirts and yell “CLEAR!!!” before shocking them. Yes, I know it’s fun and makes you feel close to George Clooney but you only get to do it if they’re having a heart attack. People do not like it when you break this protocol. Trust me.

Safety Rule #4: Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously! Like MizFit always says, it shouldn’t be a “workout” but a “playout.” Look for the funny when you are working out – I’ll guarantee you’ll find something to make you giggle – and at the very least you’ll work those deep abdominal muscles a little more.

What are some things about your workout or workout environment that make you grin? Got some funny Gym Buddies? The guy on the next treadmill over chanting “I think I can, I think I can”? A song stuck in your head that you KNOW you have the lyrics wrong but you can’t figure out the right ones and besides yours are funnier anyhow?

19 Comments

  1. Wow! I can see my name!

    Anyway, you know what always cracks me up? The juicers. The people that do 15-20 of moderate exercise then run to the juice bar for a 400 calorie replacement shake.

  2. VERY sound advice, indeed!
    I must say, some odd things have been happening at the yoga studio lately. Today I had “You and Your Hand” (by Pink) stuck in my head through the entire class today, which was kinda annoying. (I mean, I LIKE the song, but not when I’m dripping sweat and trying to hold onto my foot while standing on one leg.)
    Last week, about 1/2 hour into the class, a duck showed up outside the door and started quacking. Loudly. Like he wanted to come in and do Downward Duck.
    It was…distracting. I tried REALLY hard not to quack-er-crack up. ‘Cause I would have fallen over, and probably knocked everyone else over like dominoes.

  3. downward duck… snicker…

  4. *woo hoo* thanks for the link!
    I laughed at the post especially the DONT OPEN THAT DOOR one.

    we had a door like that when I owned my training studio.

    Why did everyone feel called to open it?

    (and yes. it was to my office :))

  5. Crabby McSlacker

    The owner of our gym just got a new puppy, and because it’s his gym, and he doesn’t want to pay for doggy day care, he brings the puppy in and lets it run loose. Seriously.

    Talk about safety hazards! But the puppy has a great time and is the source of lots of chuckles.

    BTW, I thought this post was hilarious. I’m on STUMBLE, is anyone else? I’m gonna give it a stumble, so if anyone is also a stumbler and thought it was as funny as I did, give it a thumbs-up.

    Oh, and the initial question about letting the guy in? That would totally be me–not wanting to interrupt my cardio to let in a potential homicidal maniac.

  6. Re: the AED… In most places, removing the AED from the box on the wall will sound an alarm. The ones here all do anyways! At least it won’t let you shock someone who doesn’t need it, if you do ignore the shrieking box on the wall.

  7. I have the same problem with my cat! As soon as I start some cardio, she is at the door. I try to ignore her, but she is so cute, I usually succumb to her charms 🙂

  8. Crabby-
    I also Stumbled. Good idea.

  9. My cat can’t move away from the door either. If I try to do some yoga or Pilates she thinks its play time. I get on the floor and she thinks it prime time to get her belly rubbed. 🙂 I try to shut the door on her but then she’ll just stand outside the door and meow at me. She’s so needy! Good thing I love her. 🙂

  10. I feel Cardio Carrie’s pain.

    A couple years ago I was in a company fitness room on a Saturday, painfully completing HARD cardio intervals on the treadmill. A guy, whom I’m embarrassed to say, I kind-of KNEW, could not get his card to work and proceeded to stand outside of the fitness center looking through the windows, just waiting for me to INTERRUPT my meticulously timed sweat session to let him in.

    I ended up completing my workout without hopping off the treadmill once, while he stood outside for quite some time and eventually left. Oops. I felt incredibly guilty and selfish afterward…

    I can turn into a workout beast when I’m in the middle of an extra hard cardio or weightlifting session. I feel for those who are victims.

    I have done some good workout deeds helping others since then, so hopefully my good fitness karma is increasing. 🙂

  11. I don’t open doors. Mainly because I work at a 24 hour facility, and have had people try to use their deactivated cards to get into the gym (basically trying to cheat the system, as they are no longer paying their membership fee).

    The frustrating thing is that members will open the door for anyone.

  12. Laughed out loud at azusmom with the duck quacking at the door. I couldn’t imagine how I would react to that!

    I work out at home, so beyond the random cat scratching my yoga mat and baby sitting on my step, nothing too exciting.

  13. dragonmamma/naomi

    Our “security system” at the Y is much more effective than a card-swiper. We have “Sue” at the front counter.

    Without a card, Sue lets NOBODY in until they answer about five minutes worth of questions, fill out a few papers, and get visual confirmation on the computer.

    I’ve been going there six days a week for four years, and even I can’t get past Sue without a card.

    It’s pretty funny, actually, to see the regulars who everybody knows get grilled by Sue.

  14. This post just made my day, at least morning – caught you over on your guest post at mizfit today-let me stumble and digg this post !

  15. Those are good safety rules to live by! Okay, all of this just reminds me of a question that I wanted to ask you about. And because you like letter format so much…

    Dear Charlotte,

    There is a machine in the gym here (in Cambodia), and it’s a “crazy cardio massage” or something. You stand on it and it vibrates and your thighs jiggle. At least, that’s what appears to be the extent of the supposed “workout”. The problem is, the instructions on the machine are all written in Cambodian and I don’t have a clue which buttons to push etc. But I seem to remember you trying out this machine before- is that really all that happens? I stand on it and my thighs jiggle for a bit until I get bored and wander off? It’s a strange world we live in… any info you can give me about it would be awesome (or if you could link back to the post in which you talked about this machine?).

    Much love, Confused Sagan in Cambodia.

  16. LOL! I saw that Dear Abby letter. I have to admit that I won’t open the door, but it’s more because I’m freakin’ PARANOID. (Although if I stop running in the middle, my body REFUSES to start again. Seriously, once I’ve stopped, starting up again makes me feel sick. So no stopping once I’m going!)

  17. Ergo the reason for the badge swipe. It’s all for your safety.

    I guess that is a hard lesson learned for the unfortunate soul that sat out there hoping and waiting.

  18. Hmmm, I’m not sure what I would have done. For sure I know the right thing to do is NOT to open the door, especially if I was alone, but damn, I would feel bad! Very cute post though!

    At my gym, they all know me, but they still won’t let me by without my little tag. 🙂

  19. Jody - Fit at 51

    Way too funny post! Like many, there is no way I am gonna get out of the zone to open a door & who is to say that that person really lives there! I am in the zone!!!

    And yes, those dang buttons on the machines. I hit quickstart & do my own thing!!! A couple times I tried the pause button to run to the bathroom but it never holds the info & when you hit resume, it "logs off" anyway & you have to start over I remember how many minutes you were on prior etc. Just do as this post says!

    I work out at hours when not alot of people are around but I always get a kick out of some of the younger guys that love to stare at themselves in the mirror for who knows what reason cause there ain't a lot going on & then maybe work out for 5 minutes… or the ones that text someone for 30 minutes & then do a set, text, a set. Put the dang thing away!