There have been occasions, writing this blog, where I’ve put up a post that I later regretted. And no, it probably isn’t the ones you are thinking of. I do not regret any of the things I’ve written about my sexual assault or my eating disorders as I’m quite used to talking about those things in a public setting and they are so far in the past that I have enough distance to look at them critically. No, the ones that I sometimes regret are the ones that I haven’t yet figured out a solution to. Those problems that are still, well, problematic – my post on compulsive overexercising, for example. This desire to not talk about our struggles until we’re no longer struggling with them is a common one in our society which is unfortunate because it removes us from those who could be the greatest strength to us. All of which is my way of saying that I’m probably going to regret writing this but I’m so desperate to find a solution that my need for your help outweighs my embarrassment.
I have a problem with thinking bad thoughts. And I’m not talking about those of the naughty-George-Clooney-in-a-secluded-villa variety.
My Brain Is Broken
Red lights mean stop, green mean go but yellow lights? Well, for me apparently they mean freak out. I blame my driver’s ed teacher, a lovely little Frenchman who would scream “Faster you eeediot! No slower! Do not make the cows kiss! No kissing cows!” And then when I lost concentration on the road trying to translate “cows” into “cars” and then figure out what he meant by kissing, he’d redirect my attention to the road by screaming, “Ohsheetohsheetohsheetohsheet!” Thanks to him I refused to make a left turn without aid of a stoplight for a solid year after I got my license.
Anyhow, when I come to a yellow light, I panic. Do I slow down? Do I speed up? Do I jump out of my car and run a fire drill? This quandry has led me to make up a complicated list of conditions. For instance, if the light turns yellow after I’ve passed the start of the line to the left turn lane, then I speed up. But if it is an extra-long turn lane or the turn lane is missing then I’m forced to estimate where a “normal” left-turn lane would begin. Heaven help me if there is snow covering the lines. You get the idea.
So the other day, I came to a yellow light and did my little brake-gas-brake-ohsheetohsheetohsheet dance, finally slamming on my brakes and stopping right before it turned red. Embarassing? Yes. Catastrophic? No. And yet do you know what I said to myself in that moment? “You stupid, fat cow! How do you not know how to drive yet? You are fat and ugly and I hate you.” I know. A bit overkill for stopping short at a light, no? I would certainly never say anything like that to someone else. And I’m pretty sure nobody would speak that way to me.
But I speak to me that way. It gets worse. See, barring extreme injury of the doorknob-slammed-into-forehead (thank you Second Son!) variety, I don’t curse out loud. But in my head, to myself, I throw in every awful word I can think of. And I punish myself brutally for the smallest infractions. Forget to start the dishwasher before I leave in the morning? G-D Motherf’ing obese waste of flesh. Accidentally delete a voice message before listening to it? You fat f’ing retard.
Besides the sailor speak, the other strange thing you may have noticed is that the only epithet that makes it in every time is some permutation of “fat.” And nothing stings worse than that little 3-letter word. I am so ashamed of this. See, it’s not that I think other people’s instrinsic worth is tied to their weight but for some reason I think mine is. Which is especially difficult because the other day I passed a weight mark that years ago I had designated my “I’d kill myself” weight. Meaning if I ever weighed more than that then I’d, well… I’m not going to kill myself. I’ve had enough therapy to realize that my life is more than a number on the scale. But I will admit it killed my self-worth. Ever since, I’ve been plagued with thoughts like “It doesn’t matter what you do, as long you’re this fat nothing you ever accomplish will be worth anything.” and “You’re a failure at living. It’s food. If you could just stop eating like a pig you wouldn’t be this hideous.” and, worst of all, “Nobody will ever love you as long as you’re this fat. You’re ugly and stupid and they hate you. I hate you.” And when I think it, I really do mean it.
As an experiment (of the lowercase “e” variety) one day, I decided to count how many times I berated myself. I stopped at 500. It was 2 o’clock in the afternoon. So believe me when I say it’s chronic. Omnipresent.
It’s got to stop. It’s killing me. And, on a logical level, I know it’s not true. I would punch the person who said such things about a friend! Yet, I’m the one throwing the jabs at myself. I’m abusing myself far worse than any bad boyfriend ever has. But I don’t know how to stop it.
So I’m throwing this out there, to all of you. What do I do? Anyone else think bad thoughts? Is this just a type of mental OCD? Non-verbal Tourette’s? Or is my brain really just broken?? Help!
first – i’m a long time lurker. i love your blog.
second, the issue at hand – it sounds like a kind compulsion that you “say” these things to yourself. i know you’ve said how effective cognitive behavioral therapy has been for you. have you tried to apply a very simple behavior modification to this? for example, i work with a psychologist who instructed a patient to repeat a positive mantra about himself every time he walked through a door (something simple, like, “i’m a good person” or “i’m a fitness bada**”). cheesy? absolutely. effective? every time i have tried it on myself, yes.
in this case, what about immediately following every negative thought with a positive one? even if it’s the same mantra every time, it can work. when i catch myself dreading going to work, i think, “i feel good. i feel great. i feel wonderful,” a la What About Bob. it doesn’t make my job any better, but it improves my mood to no end.
hope that helps. thanks for the amazing blog!
It’s not just you. It’s the trademark of perfectionism /low self esteem.
I too stopped counting about mid-morning. Horrible isn’t it?
I don’t know about you but I also have difficulty dealing with sincere praise and random acts of kindness towards me. Does anybody else get this? It’s like a huge wave of relief washes over me that other people might think that I’m something else other than a failure or a complete idiot, and that yes maybe my brain is just a little bit screwed up. I have to restrain myself not to burst into tears.
Agree with the above poster on the mantra. You have to cancel out the negative with a positive.
Also a long time lurker. Thanks so much for your blog.
I haven’t dated in almost two years. Mostly by choice, I guess, but still I feel unattractive and lonely sometimes and can loose sleep over negative thoughts about feeling like a freak and unwanted, although I know none of it is true.
What works for me during times like these, besides exercising which has worked wonders to help me both emotionally and as a boost to my confidence, is putting things into perspective.
What I mean by this is to compare myself to a worst situation. In essence, counting my blessings. My children, our health, food in the frig, eyes that can take in the stars… you get my point.
When I do this, and breathe, I can feel better. I put on some good music and dance with my children and know that whatever will be will be. Acceptance.
I hope this helps. Your blog makes me smile, too. Thank you for your honesty.
This is also my first time commenting, although I’ve been reading for a while. Your struggles are my struggles, and my struggles are yours, believe me, and you’ve been a huge source of inspiration. It is so rare to find such brave, insightful honesty, so thank you for that.
Regarding your inquiry, there are a few things which always help me stop the perfectionistic self-deprecation.
1. I think you’ve tried meditation, but deep breathing is a big one. I think that’s half the reason I exercise when I’m stressed out — forces oxygen to my brain.
2. I call my mom, because she is really good at seeing me for who I really am but at the same time loving every bit of me — even my imperfections. ESPECIALLY my imperfections.
3. Every time that little voice goes off in my head, I try to address it directly. Sort of an internal conversation. (I know, I know, “the voices in my head” sounds a little crazy but stick with me here.) If the bad voice says “You messed up because you’re fat”, I let the good voice argue with it a little bit, “It’s okay, everyone messes up, it’s not a big deal, and you are not fat, you are beautiful and healthy and smart and fun and loving etc etc etc” In the short term this may not do a whole lot for your mood, but it will occupy your mind long enough to stop the negative thoughts from progressing any further, and I think in the long term the effects are more noticeable.
All the best, and again, thank you for your writing. 🙂
I had to laugh when I read this post because I do this ALL THE TIME! I catch myself calling myself things like, “ugly, stupid, and retarded.” The one I’m trying really hard to stop saying is, “I hate myself.” Especially when my kids are around. My therapist gave me a book that has helped me called, Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. There’s a workbook that goes along with it as well. Just skip the first couple of chapters about his research (boring!) on your next visit to Barnes and Noble and see if you like it. In the meantime, remember that you are beautiful, smart, and look so amazing that I covet you and will surely go to hell for it!
oh wow.. that’s my brain right there.. the one that mentally kicks herself for every little forgotten task no matter how unrealistic the timeframe is or how insignificant it is at the end of the day!! The amount of abuse I submit myself to is unbelievable, and yes it usually links to my body image in some way.
I’m trying to be nicer to myself though. So this morning when I realised I’d forgotten my berries for my breakfast oatmeal I refrained from cursing myself out of it, smiled to myself and decided I’d find another way to sweeten my breakfast, just for today… *sigh*… what a relief it was to not be beating myself up for the morning!!
I dont have much to add (here. Ill email you)but you are so right. it is NOT as simple as saying WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO A FRIEND? NO? THEN DONT TO YOURSELF!
like telling a depressed person to SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Miz.
First of all big. big hugs to you !!!!
I’m no expert on this… though I do have a nasty inner voice as well. I think mainly it’s habit. We are doing it for so long it has become second nature. It’s also low self-esteem for me anyway. It’s impossible to just stop doing it straight off because most of the time we do it automatically. Awareness is half the battle plus I’ve started talking back. If I catch those mean jibes I respond as if it was a real person saying those things to me. I guess I’m standing up for myself… to myself.
Crikey, do I sound split personality yet ?!!? 🙂
Oh Charlotte, I just want to wrap you in a big ole hug!
I think everyone struggles with this (to an extent), but yours definitely sounds like an obsessive thing. I don’t know what advice to give you, but I’ve read some great things on here…turning those negative comments into positive ones sounds like an ideal plan, and who can’t smile when they give themselves a compliment? I don’t know if that would turn into something obsessive…but it doesn’t sound like a bad thing, you know?
And I completely agree with Brianna Page – especially #2 – having someone to call who can talk you out of your self-loathing is invaluable. I too can call my mom or sister…they understand how my mind works and talk me through it. I think the fact that you’re writing about this is a very good thing…you are too fabulous a person to feel this way, and I hope you can gain some insight.
Yes Charlotte, I sorry to report, but your brain is broken. Please take it to the local repair shop that fixes second person conversations and get them to expel all that reside there. Make sure that sailor drinks up and moves on too. After the cleaning, try to think of yourself as one of the other humans that inhabit this planet and dwell on the good things that you do. I seem to remember making someone doing charity work with mittens a few post ago. That’s the person you need to channel, not the foolish eating disorder person of the past that viewed weight as the limiting factor of a person’s being. Once the exorcism is complete, slow down at yellow lights because there is nowhere that you need to get to that fast.
this makes me so incredibly sad, i don’t even know if a small comment does it any justice. I’m worried for you , charlotte. While I don’t think your brain is “broken,” it sounds as if your spirit is. We know you as outgoing, fearless, empowering, but when it comes to how you view yourself, it’s like Chris Brown and Rihanna…and you’re Chris Brown. I can only say that I hope beyond all hope that you have someone to go to (a professional, not the blog community) to talk to. This is not a way to live and it sounds way beyond anything you can term cutesily like “mental Tourettes”. Are you thinking about reaching out to a pro? Alas, I understand all too well MizFit’s statement “like telling a depressed person to SNAP OUT OF IT!!” That doesn’t work. I guess you should just know you have many people in your life who care for you and to hear you are struggling so mightily makes our hearts break.
Firstly, big hugs to you (((hugs)))
Secondly, I’m there with you (although not to the extent you are) and last week was a particularly bad week for it. But I try to stop myself as I’m doing it and interject a positive mantra, like the first poster.
It’s amazing how “fat” is how so many of us insult ourselves.
Wow, I’m sorry you that you experience such harsh inner dialog. It must be very wearisome. I don’t have that in my head, thank goodness. But I am sometimes plagued with “bad thoughts.” Usually scary scenes from movies come back to me all of a sudden and I start imagining me and my family in them and it makes me feel awful. But I can choose not to dwell on the thoughts when they arise. I think of something else instead and that works for me. I know for a lot of people it’s not that easy.
I do agree with the other posters that positive mantras and such actually do work even if they feel extremely cheesy as you are saying them. Also smiling can make you feel better even if it’s not genuine at first. Finding something to laugh at in the situation instead. “Fake it until you make it” I always say. 🙂
I don’t know you well but I think you are awesome. Your honest introspection and constant pursuit of a better Charlotte are the qualities I admire most about you. Just don’t forget that you’ll never get there and that’s OK; There is no perfection. But there can be improvement. Still, what’s the rush? We have our whole lives to hone our selves, you know? Don’t forget to enjoy all you have right now – your family and friends and your wonderful self. Big hugs!
I once heard someone say that just like our bodies, our brains can be giving us false information!
Tricky isn’t it?
Seeing the yellow light is not one of those situations, however. What I tend to do is plan ahead while I am driving. I think, if the light turns yellow now I will stop, now stop, now not stop…or I just ask the person who I am on the cell phone with what they think I should do 🙂
I’ve had this issue–I call it the “tickertape of doom.” It runs along the screen of my subconcious like the CNN tickertape of stocks.
While for me, it is a constant general commentary on how worthless I am, rather than specific responses to my own reactions, it is similar to your issue of not being able to control your mental commentary.
For me, it is a problem that is amplified by/part of depression. Both times, it was what eventually pushed me to go back on prozac.
The effort to listen around the tickertape, to try to enjoy my life and myself, was exhausting.
Medication turns the tickertape off. You mentioned you are going cold turkey from your meds–is this something that was present before you went off them?
You most certainly are NOT the only one. This kind of negative self-talk is exactly what drove me into repeated bouts of depression. I found a great therapist who recommended the Feeling Good Handbook (as an above commenter suggested). I found it very helpful. It addressed the exact issue that it sounds like you are having and gave great strategies for changing those negative self-talk habits.
Admittedly, I am still not completely over it, but I really think the book made a huge difference to me and gave me control over it.
Charlotte, I have been reading your blog (love it) and just had to post after reading this. I have this lovely inner voice as well.
Oh how I wish I could figure out where the off/mute switch was!!! I blame mine on my perfectionism, as a perfectionist/obessive compulsive type I have higher expectations set for myself than I would for anyone else. Everything I do must be executed and completed perfectly. Anytime I miss that mark (doesn’t matter how small) My inner voice starts chirping “you f***ing loser! You cant’ do anything right”.
In fact I think it is worse when it is something small because I usually get “if you can’t handle something this f***ing simple how can you expect to accomplish anything of REAL value you pathetic slob!”
My wonderfully hubby has told me I need to tell myself “I”m good enough, I’m smart enough, and people like me!” (from an old Saturday Night Live character). So maybe I need to try Anonymous’s suggestion for the “positive mantra”.
I had tried the “challenge the assumption/viewpoint” but it was more involved-every time my inner voice said something negative, I was supposed to go through a list of 5 questions that challenged whether the insult was really true or false. That lasted about 1 hour, during which my inner voice began chirping about how lousy I was at completing the 5 questions. lol
BJ
O Charlotte! I do that to! It is so hard for me to turn that voice off and sometimes it really gets the better of me. It’s funny really because if you asked people who are around me in real life, they would tell you that I am strong and confident and that I don’t take any crap from anyone. However, inside my own head I take a lot of crap from ME! All day long I tell myself how worthless I am and how I don’t deserve my friends, my family, kindness, love, etc. My boyfriend has had to bear the repercussions of this crap talk as one of the most repeated lines is “You are so stupid and fat and worthless, you don’t deserve such an amazing man. He could do so much better than you, fata**!” We have had a lot of arguments because I did something that my brain deemed stupid and I repeated this line to him in anger. Not anger at him, but anger at myself.
I really think that this voice in my head is my biggest enemy. If I could overcome it, I could accomplish anything. But how to overcome a voice in your head? It is a question that I have not answered yet. Funny that so many people are fooled by my confident act. I should have gone to Hollywood with this natural acting ability that I posses!
Hugs. It’s hard. I don’t have any answers, but I have those same type of negative thoughts. Sometimes when I catch myself doing it I don’t even understand WHY I’m punishing myself in that way… thinking bad thoughts on purpose.
Hmm, well I’m certainly no expert, but I’d say your meditation could be powerful here. I think you’ve got to train your brain (mental training right?). I think these thoughts might come still, but you need to catch them mid-swear and say to yourself what you’d say to somebody else saying that to you “listen, those things are not true, I made a mistake, it’s no big deal. I don’t deserve to be treated that way and am a good beautiful person because I am human and make mistakes” I think it will take practice though.
it’s gonna sound like I’m bragging, but I can almost always tell myself what to think or not think. (very scarlette o’hara, I’ll think about that some other time is ALWAYS being repeated). I even blocked something out as a teenager by telling myself that “that” is something I just never think about. I remember steering my mind away, by now I really don’t remember what it was I blocked (sort of creepy huh?). all I can say is practice I guess.
Also sending BIG HUGS!
I was like this, too, for a long time. Therapy helped A LOT. I did a program called “Overcoming Anxiety and Depression.” Part of it was listening to tapes of group sessions where people talk about their thoughts and feelings. let me tell ya, it was such a HUGE relief to know that I wasn’t the only person who had these thoughts!
And neither are You!!!!!!!!!!!! many, MANY people do this, and you CAN get over it! Cognitive Therapy can be very useful here.
(One thing that worked for me: when I had a thought like this, I literally pictured a STOP sign in my head.)
You’re not broken, Char! You’re wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!
I do the same thing with yellow lights. I’ll even watch the crosswalk lights, if they’re blinking then I start worrying about the light changing.
I also have critical inner voices. I was listening to a parenting book the other day and I fit the description of a kid with low self esteem perfectly. I’m afraid to even try things because I’m so sure I’ll fail. I wish I had a solution, but all I can say is that you’re not alone.
I pull waaaay out there during the yellow light, then make the left turn when it turns red… always works for me.
A few weeks ago my math teacher put a quote at the top of our tests- “To Be Unconquerable Lies Within You” (dont know who said it)
I love this quote so much that i keep the test in the front of my binder as a constant reminder.
yesterday was one of those days where i tried on every pair of jeans i own and felt fat in each pair. then i went on to think about the ugly dry skin bumps on my thighs and the hint of cellulite starting to form near my left hip… its a downward spiral.
we ALL do it. im not sure how to stop the bad thoughts either.
I think everybody has ANTS–“automatic negative thoughts”. I used to picture them as actual nasty little red ants and imagine stomping on them. When things have been really bad with me I have seriously thought of how lovely it would be to be a lower order of mammmal and not be stuck with consciousness.
When my daughter developed anorexia a year ago, we entered family therapy. DBT; dialectical behavioural therapy, really helps me. I like a therapy where you work on developing skills. DBT helps me deal with DDs illness because you learn ‘distress tolerance’. That is only one of the first skills, but I haven’t really gone beyond that level.
Charlotte,
I have also experienced self-destructive thoughts.
What helped (helps) me is to quit resisting them.
In other words, I try to objectively observe these thoughts. Instead of counteracting a “fat cow” thought with a positive affirmation, or believing that I am a “fat cow”, I try to just note the thought, and let it go.
In my experience, the thoughts then have less power over me. Eventually, they come less frequently.
I am wondering if your meditation experiment didn’t “stir your inner-soup”, so to speak. Although difficult, this is a good thing. The only way out is through.
You’ve got some great suggestions here and very close experiences here with your readers!
I just wanted to add that I don’t really struggle with extremely negative thoughts. But last year as I was doing the other blog I challenged myself to just say “I love you, you’re doing the best you can!” to myself in the mirror every morning. The first couple of days I tried it, I teared up. In fact the first day, I think it took several tries to just say that simple little sentence. It was really hard. But it made an immense difference in – EVERYTHING.
I’m not saying that’s the answer necessarily, I’m just saying that I know that what we think has a LOT of power over us. I really hope you can start to crack the code.
Maybe organizing yourself more so you don’t disappoint yourself as much. Also painting and gentle yoga/meditation and/or a massage really helps. Maybe you just have too much to do? Could you get some help with your kids/housework, etc. for a week and give yourself a little vacation time?
When you denigrate yourself, try coming up with 2-3 reasons why you are NOT stupid,fat, at fault, etc. Make them ridiculous, if you have to. You don’t have to actually believe them at first, but hopefully if you keep coming up with alternate explanations, you WILL start to see that you aren’t at fault or a bad person. Why did I have trouble at the yellow light? Damn Frenchman’s fault. The Dept. of Transp. has such a screwy way of timing the lights. Deleted the voicemail by mistake? Cell provider should have a “recover deleted items” option. Cell phones are evil. Little green men from Mars took over your mind and MADE you do it!
I don’t remember if I’ve commented here yet, but I’m a dedicated reader of yours.
I have serious negativity issues too. A lot of the time it’s because I’ve tried too hard, too fast on something and get down on myself for my ‘failure’ when just trying the tough thing ought to have been a sucess.
Right now, most of this negative talk centers around my workouts and eating, but also comes up about my mothering. My trainer/friend did point out that I would never talk this way to someone else and she suggested (well, actually commanded) that I name that inner voice so that I can tell her to shut up!
Happened today in fact. I get a little weak and weepy for a few days once a month (shocker, I’m sure…) and can’t work out as hard with my weight training. Now, part of what works for me in the gym is that even though I’ve got 70 pounds to lose (and yes, it’s taking me a lot to keep me from reaching through the computer and slapping you around for calling yourself so fat!) I’m quite strong and maybe a bit (OK a lot) prideful that I lift more than the other women at the Y (and probably half of the men too) so when I have an off day, it’s very bad for me mentally. Today I crashed into the weight rack and had to battle tears several times before I cut myself some slack.
I surely hope that naming my inner voice doesn’t lead to split personality disorder 🙂 because I have to tell Hunca Munca to shut up quite often.
I think it’s great that you’ve shared this. I think you’re pretty amazing and it’s great to see that even amazing people have their flaws too—because I tend to think I’m the only one this messed up. Strangely, I’m the only one who thinks I AM this messed up.
Yes, it’s a lot harder than saying “Cut yourself some slack” but it’s a starting point.
Like everyone else who has commented, I can’t stand your blog, have no desire to give you a hug, and simply cannot relate to having negative thoughts.
(Things always sound more powerful when you phrase it in the form of an insult.)
I was thinking of Sara’s comment about using two positive thoughts to counteract the negative one.
Douglas Adams once wrote about how the human mind can only hold seven thoughts at one time. (Similar to the idea you can only remember seven digits to a phone number.) So he had a character deliberately think of seven different thoughts in order to drive the negative thought out of her head.
Great blog and very motivating. I read about your blog on another weight loss blog (kimkinsdiet.blogspot.com). I’ll visit again soon. Happy losing!
Y’know, that last comment would have sounded a great deal more convincing if the identical message hadn’t just be left on the Cranky Fitness blog as well.
I unfortunately don’t have time to read all the comments, so if I’m repeating, please excuse me 🙂
They covered just this idea in my meditation group for people with anxiety and depression. They made a couple of suggestions: turn those voices in your head into a musical, or a cartoon, or something silly so that it puts it in its place and makes it not seem so bad. I don’t remember the other suggestions, I have them written at home somewhere. But the gist of it was, do something to lighten it up a little.
First, let me say that I hate giving advice. Nonetheless, since you asked, I’ll share what worked for me.
I had a weight problem from the age of five to about forty. It made me miserable. I usually wanted to lose between ten to twenty pounds. I overate compulsively and despised myself for it. I exercised inconsistently and berated myself for my lack of will power. It sucked, and I lived that way for decades!
When I reached about thirty pounds overweight, I despaired of ever losing it. I got behavior skills therapy through http://www.thepathway.org. (Totally cheesy name, alarmingly cultlike language on their website and in their workbooks, really great techniques–based on an ongoing study started by Laurel Mellin at UCSF many years ago. There’s also a book called _The Pathway_, but just reading it wasn’t enough for me.) The emphasis was on deeply connecting with your feelings, developing a nurturing inner voice, cultivating an ability to feel joy, and some standard cognitive stuff about expectations and beliefs.
Since then–about a year ago–I’ve slowly lost weight, developed a consistent exercise habit, and gotten to the point where food is just food and weight is just weight instead of an emotional minefield. The most amazing part is that at some point I really did develop a nurturing inner voice (there’s that cheesily cultlike language). I have _never_ had those hateful, harsh feelings about myself since.
They have a 30-day course called “Wired for Joy.” (Again with the cheesy.)
Me too, sigh.
And, no, you can’t stop by just knowing you should.
I have had the most luck with this… if this makes any sense… by trying to overwrite tracks rather than replace them. That is, rather that saying, “you shouldn’t say this to yourself”, once I’ve said it, I try to say something POSITIVE. Some affirmation, something that reminds me of the way that I’d prefer to feel and think.
This has actually helped a fair amount over time, except when I’m really bad, and then nothing at all helps much, nothing internal anyway.
Google neuro-linguistic programming. Lots of techniques to help you there (including yes, the cheesy-but-effective saying nice things to yourself in the mirror, but other things as well).
1. You’re a great Mom
2. You’re a great Wife
3. You’re an amazing friend
4. You are beyond generous
5. You are sickeningly smart
6. You absorb what you read so fast I’m thinking it’s through osmosis.
7. You have an amazing talent for writing.
8. You are very honest and yet still compassionate.
9. You are beautiful
10. You are blessed
Judging by the number of self help books, I would say you are perfectly normal. That said, I have read and worked through Dr David Burns books as the above commenters and they are great.
I would suggest “Ten Days to Self Esteem” because it cuts to the chase. I really hope it can help you.
Charlotte, you are all good – Inside as well as outside.
Heck, I’ll go so far as to say that I admire you.
I have weight issues too, have never been overweight, usually underweight but still, I can go from one day feeling fantastically slender to the very next feeling like a fat cow.
I don’t usually call myself a cow, I just shake my head in disappointment when looking in the mirror that day. Sad, huh?
I’m old enough to know better.
Elaine C.
Totally going to email you about this. But hugs and good thoughts to you in the meantime.
just want you to know that you are not alone. I say these things as well, only many times I say them outloud. In front of my kids.
and sometimes my comments (about myself) get repeated, which makes me feel even worse. I’m teaching my own kids to think I’m fat and disgusting. 🙁
It’s so easy for some people to say “just stop!” but there is so much more to it than that.
I have no advice for you, just to say that I get it.
and I’m sending you lots of hugs.
I can feel your pain, anytime I screw up I start saying those same words inside my head. Its surprising how vulgar I get especially when I am feeling down.
If it makes you feel any better, I have never thought you were fat.
ever……
OK, you are making me come out of hiding at 2 a.m. while breastfeeding (so this comment ain’t easy sister!) to say to your brain cells–don’t make the cows kiss! That right there is a good example why all those negative thoughts are wrong on so many levels. But you know that… how do you stop? I don’t know. I’m frustrated for you because I would punch someone out if I heard them say such things to you! Better not say these things about yourself in my presence. I also like what the first anon suggested. In hard efforts when I’ve thought or uttered the words “I can’t do this” I’ve forced myself to follow up with “I CAN do this” which ultimately wins out.
This post really REALLY resonates with me because it is something I have struggled with for years and have had very little success in stemming the flow of bad self-talk. I suffered from anorexia for years and also have OCD-what my therapist calls a “killer combo” since I cant just turn off the bad thoughts, its like a constant loop in my brain. It also seems that whenever I try and fail, whatever the failure, the word fat comes into play in my self beratement. Its a strange and sad thing we do to ourselves, and unfortunately I think this problem is not uncommon among women. I completely empathize with your situation, and in reading the comments, it seems like you are getting some good advice. Something I try to do is if I catch myself in the midst of a self-hateathon, I will try and squash those thoughts and think of things my husband tells me all the time, about the things he values in me, AND that nobody else in this world sees me as I do, and try to realize that the thoughts in my head are really NOT correct, just warped images of my alternate reality in which I am a fat pig, and not the person everyone else sees.
BTW, I love your blog, am a longtime lurker, seems that this post really hit a nerve, since its causing an unofficial de-lurking day! 🙂
I know what you mean.
There are no easy fixes.
It is far simpler to hate oneself–
you always have someone to blame.
At least,
that’s what I’ve found to be true in my case.
🙁
God loves you; so many of your readers admire your courage, spirit, and honesty–you are a beautiful woman, O Charlotte, no matter what that internal harpie says.
ps (In terms of yellow lights? usually the light is timed in seconds per 10mph. ie: a 50mph zone would have a 5 second yellow light. This helps me know when I can speed up, and when I should just stop for the red…at least, that’s the way it is in L.A. 🙂
Charlotte, it’s not just you. I find myself doing this on a regular basis as well. Have you read Valerie Frankel’s “Thin is the New Happy”? She has a whole section of the book dedicated to studying and changing this behavior within herself. I found it very helpful to read as it reminded me that its normal (not good, but normal)…
I’m so late to the game on this one…..and I have read about half the comments and realized we are all in the same boat. Except for maybe the boys. So is this part of our cultural upbringing also? that if we are not perfect, then we are most definitly the most horrible person?
I really do know that I am smart, and do a lot of good things for other people and am attractive. But, I feel as if this is NOT ENOUGH! I am never smart enough, I should’ve done more and am definitly not attractive….and this is all because I am fat and lazy. Ah, yes, lazy. If I wasn’t so lazy, I would be able to plan perfect menus that fit in my perfect day that allowed me to sleep 9 hours, sit in traffic for 2 hours, work for 10 hours, workout for 1 hour, cook meals, do the dishes, run a marathon and have wildly enthusiastic sex every single day. But, I’m lazy, so the marathon doesn’t happen and that makes me a horrible person (this is just a sample of my thinking).
Char, you’re a good person. You make a lot of people happy every single day with your writings and you are gorgeous.
I won’t even bother to tell you that your thoughts are ludicrous because you know that. You rock, and you are beautiful. I think I might blog about this if I can type out a coherent thought with all the crazy going on around me.
Hi Charlotte,
Nice post. While I think everyone has at least a BIT of negative self-talk, it’s great that you are aware of what you’d like to think differently about. No hurry.
Like others who have commented, I admire and recommend David Burns’ books. Good for refuting (arguing with) the negatives.
I also think that some gentle positive self-talk might be a good experiment — especially if you can play with it.
Here are some variations you can consider:
1. thank your body for it’s work and health and abilities. Maybe after a workout etc.
2. appreciate your body for its work and abilities
3. bless your body organs, bones, joints, hair, etc.
4. practice seeing some daily activities as gratitude or thanks to your body — e.g. eating, taking vitamins, taking a shower. These are things we generally do to care for our bodies, but often without any real thought of thanks and blessing to our bodies. Choose some daily activity to do with awareness of the love you hold for your body (and vice versa).
5. in addition to speaking to yourself / your body, you can also use your hands to hold energy in various locations (e.g. thank your feet while touching them).
6. encourage yourself. Think about how you might talk to a gym buddy or a child — or someone who is not used to exercising at all. Tell yourself “you are doing great”, “take it slow” “good job”. Whatever. And I don’t mean you need to do this with things that you feel bad about — you can start with things that you already think you do well and love doing. Just practice the ATTITUDE of encouragement. Man, I gotta try this one more myself! Good idea!
I realize some of the above will sound way-out to some people — but what does THAT say? I mean, are we really supposed to live without encouraging ourselves or thanking our feet? Why?
All the best, and hang in — I’m sure you’ll find ways to work with these things over time.
One final point — I especially feel I need to give myself good-vibes in the areas where I’m “externally exposed” to negatives. Like, when I hear about several people with breast cancer, I’ll take a minute to put my hands on my breasts, picture them as healthy and vibrant and in touch with life force — and I’ll thank them and direct them to stay healthy, etc. No real formula for it, but I try to respond to the MANY negative body-ideas that I hear with thoughts of safety, health, and appreciation.