I made a mistake. At first I was going to write this post and pretend I got an e-mail from someone asking me this question but I quickly realized that would be a bad idea on two fronts: one, I’m a terrible liar and two, seeing as I’m the one with the problem, I can’t very well be giving myself advice now can I?
Dear Readers,
You guys are awesome and smart and have the best ideas. I have good intentions that often go awry. Please help me!
Love,
Charlotte
Encouragement is powerful. To be perfectly honest, I’m a people pleaser and have been willing to do pretty much anything to get praise since the second I slid out of the womb. (Doctor: “Baby Girl Hilton, APGAR at one minute – 10” Me: *squeeee*) However, I first became acquainted with this fact in a gym setting about five years ago. My first foray into real adult fitness was right after the birth of my 3rd child and I was about as beginner as they come. I knew I liked yoga. I knew I didn’t fit into my pants. And that was pretty much it.
Then Nasca took me under her wing. A yoga and kickboxing instructor, not to mention a veteran bodybuilder and fitness competitor, she had a personality part Earth Mama and part Warrior Woman. Contrary to how most bodybuilders operate, there was never any talk of fat or thin with Nasca. She simply thought everyone was gorgeous. Including me. But she did think I should be stronger. Not from a looks standpoint but rather a functional one. I remember going on a joint expedition to Costco – with Costco it’s never just a shopping trip; even if you’re just getting milk it feels like the modern equivalent of slaying a buffalo and tying it to the back of your pony – and watching her heft 50-pound pallets of flour.
“Come on, use those triceps!” she joked as I struggled to help her.
“What’s a tricep?” I asked lamely. “I don’t think I have one.”
“Everyone has one,” she giggled. “Two actually. It’s this cool little cut on the back of your arm.” She lifted her sleeve to show me a beautiful mark of muscular definition etched into her caramel skin. Then she lifted my sleeve. “See? Yours is right here.”
“Where?” I could only see white mushiness.
“Hold your arm like this.” She flexed. I imitated her. Still nothing. Concerned, she felt the back of my arm up and down as I tried flexing in several different directions. “Wow,” she finally said. “You really don’t have one!” And then with no judgement whatsoever she said, “We’ve got to start you lifting weights.”
As anyone who has ever explained something they are very good at to someone who is very bad at it knows, educating newbies is not fun. But to watch Nasca teach me basic weight lifting skills you would have thought I was the most exciting thing to hit the gym floor since thong leotards. Nasca gave me a lot of good information over the next few months but the real thing that kept me coming back was her friendship. She was always encouraging, always positive and always cared about me. If I didn’t show up to class one day, she missed me. It sounds like a small thing but it meant a lot to me.
Since then I’ve tried to be that person for others. I try to notice when there are new people in class or on the weight floor. I try to reach out to them – say hi, offer a friendly smile and a little encouragement. And most of the time I think it works. I’ve made some great friends that way and people usually at least smile back.
Here’s where it all went wrong: During a class a while ago I noticed a girl in the very back. She was new and hugging the door like it was the last escape hatch on the Red October. Nothing came easy to her. The choreography threw her, the music jarred her and the workout winded her. I tried unsuccessfully to catch her eye in the mirror so I could smile at her. She was so obviously uncomfortable that I expected her to dart out the door after five minutes and never come back. But at the end of class she was still there. I made a beeline for her.
“Hey, are you new?” I panted, dripping sweat. “You did really great today! It’s a tough class – that’s awesome you stuck it out!”
In an instant her look changed from dazed and tired to bald Britney with an umbrella. “Look bitch, I don’t need your pity. Fat girls can work out too.”
Did I mention she was quite obese?
She was slamming the door behind her before I could recover myself enough to apologize. It occurred to me then that perhaps what I meant to be encouraging actually sounded patronizing. In a society as weight-charged as ours, it amazes me that this hasn’t come into my consciousness before. So what is the right way to encourage someone? Is this the type of situation where I should just keep my mouth shut? Has anyone else stuck their foot in their mouth like me?
Being of the quite large persuasion, I prefer people to just chat in exercise classes. It takes A LOT for a larger person to go to a gym. I know it takes a lot for anyone, but with all the stereotypes out there. . .
I have a bit of this girl in me. I was in a 5K last weekend and caught people speeding up as if they couldn’t be beaten by the “fat girl” (that’d be me). Some were right and some were wrong, but maybe they were just trying to finish as quickly as possible.
It may not be your signal as much as the recipient and I’m not blaming her. It’s just really difficult to be large. You can be a drunken crack whore, but if you don’t look too bad, the world would rather deal with you than a fat person. It’s as if we personify people’s worst nightmares/fears about what they could look like. Maybe not, but that’s my 2 cents.
It seems like a perfect example of “no matter where you go, there you are.” You brought your experience with you, she brought hers with her, and it wasn’t a good fit. Not the wrong way to encourage someone to get fit, just the wrong way to encourage _her_.
I’d so much rather occasionally have a bad outcome or feel foolish as the result of a generous heart than stifle a warm impulse.
Oh my God, that girl clearly had issues. And no manners. Don’t let it keep you from encouraging others. I would have felt grateful if someone came and talked to me after a hard work-out, as having someone to talk to in the gym is very motivating not to miss workouts. It’s just a case of “cast your pearls before swine”…
So the first time I read the blog, I just thought the tattoo guy was weird; second time through I noticed the mistake – HILARIOUS!
I don’t think you made a mistake, as already stated; just a clash of personalities and histories. Maybe you can try again with a different approach.
I have clashed with people too, which blows my mind because I’m a really likeable person with a great personality (toot toot!). But, by replaying the scenario through my head, I can generally figure out what went wrong – and it usually has to do with the wording of what was said and my mind being elsewhere. Oh well, I consider those very rare occassions learning experiences.
I remember my first time going to Gold’s and going into their body pump class. You have to gather up a lot of equipment, and I didn’t know how much to get because I didn’t know what the workout entailed. I felt so out of my league! I was so relieved when a woman came up to me and asked me if I lift. I said, “Yeah.” I was in bootcamp at the time, so I did. She said, “I thought so. You probably want to start out with heavier weight.” I was so thankful for that. Then I felt comfortable asking her about the other equipment I needed. People are always in their own selfish little world at the gym (whether or not they mean to be), so it’s nice when people unselfishly offer a smile. Don’t let one bad experience deter you from helping others feel more comfortable at the gym.
Charlotte, you were sweet, kind and making an effort to be inclusive, someone else would have appreciated that fact, said ‘thank you’ and made a new friend. That girls issues are her own and should not influence you when next you want to similarly reach out to another.
I know that sometimes encouraging smiles can be mistaken for patronising ones, and advice that I give could be unwarranted. So I try to make sure that whatever I’m saying or doing comes from a good place, and hope that they’re open to receiving it. I would definitely rather that than suppress my instinctual friendliness for fear of offending some one.
Reading through some of the other comments, I have to agree – that woman’s reaction was exactly HER reaction. As long as you were not condescending (and I KNOW you weren’t!) then you shouldn’t take it to heart. :o)
Your efforts to help a fellow gym-goer are fantastic. Not everyone is as secure with themselves as they would like to be, and the gym is an especially vulnerable place for many. Keep up the good work, your encouragement is without a doubt spreading love and optimism in the gym!!
(I think Id like to be under Nasca’s wing too!)
thats precisely why Ive stopped saying anything—which, too, is sad.
I just smile now.
and the whole way home think: should I have? maybe I mightcould have?
and that’s a lot of the reason I started MizFit.
that way if people drop by I know they dont mind some friendlywellintentioned support thrown their way.
I’m with Miz on this one. I smile and keep quiet these days, maybe strike up conversation on an unrelated topic in a bid to make friends.
I tried to help out a girl at Body Pump who was also on the big side and new to the gym. I kept trying to explain to her that if you’ve never lifted weights before it’s a good idea to start out really low until you get used to the routines and get good form. But she either took this as a challenge or felt silly for being surrounded by tiny people lifting big heavy things. The poor girl nearly killed herself, and I never saw her at the gym again.
GUTTING.
I guess the bottom line is that one person’s encouraging is another person’s patronising. You might end up with a best friend or a bop on the nose, but you’ll never know til you try. Props to you for being kind enough to try, Charlotte!
TA x
Well, everyone seems so have said what I wanted to say! Some people are just rude and defensive, but kindness always wins in the end. And we need a lot more kindness in this world.
The way it was phrased and the way she reacted made me wonder if maybe it’s NOT her first time in a workout class. First time in YOUR class yes – first time in ANY class, maybe no. If she’s been trying for more than the one class to get the routines, etc, then your comments may have been rubbing salt in that wound, even if you didn’t mean it.
Or maybe she was just self conscious about not getting the routines right and was embarrassed that you noticed, and wanted no one to pay attention to her enough to notice.
“We are not our brother’s (or sister’s) keeper!”
That said, as a doctor, I struggle with that mission…
…cause I think we are!
Honestly, I think what you did was right. I know I’ve been to a couple classes where I had no idea what to do… and just the smallest bit of kindness, the slightest encouragement, helped make the experience so much better.
Consider all the friends you -have- made and the people you -have- helped through your words and kindness. Don’t let one defensive, cranky gym-goer stop you from helping dozens more.
That girl sounds rather like me. Was in a gym somewhere in Europe, and the trainer smiled v. encouragingly saying, yes it’s hard. And you know what… I felt really good. Good to know that there are people who want to encourage you – much nicer than those who smirk away. Felt rather good, actually.
Judgement call, at the end of the day.
I’m guessing she was feeling very vulnerable in the class, and probably felt like every one was watching her. Which even if everyone wasn’t, YOU were since you were trying to catch her eye. Her response was still uncalled for, but if you’re already feeling sensitive because you had to struggle through a work out where you probably already felt out of place… yeah, I guess I’d probably think what you said sounded a little patronising, even if that’s not how you meant it. As they say, perception is reality. I think in the future, it would probably be better just to ask her if she’s new because you haven’t seen her before, and ask if she enjoyed the class rather than commenting on her ability to make it through the class.
I had to delurk to pipe up here. I’m not a large person – quite small, and I could also pass for a high school student, but whatevs – and I have fielded my share of comments at the gym. They have ranged from patronizing (“Do you realize that bar is FORTY POUNDS!?”) to mildly annoying to downright bizarre. For the most part, I can’t say I’ve appreciated any comment that has had to do anything with my actual exercising.
Working out in a gym is really weird. It is, for many people, such a personal and private thing that they are forced to do in public. You’re twisting into weird positions and huffing and puffing, and any comment from another gym-goer indicates that someone is watching you make an ass of yourself. Which is kinda embarrassing.
Basically, you never know the circumstances that got someone in the gym. Maybe they are killing time. Maybe they used to be a fitness model and gained 100 pounds and are really p.o.’d at their circumstance. Maybe they relish the time to be “alone” as they work out. As much of a talker as I am, I’ve learned – and it has been difficult – to just keep my helpful comments and witty jokes to myself at the gym.
Oooh, that’s a tough one. I recently had a similar experience – from the receiving end. I’ve been working out for a good long while now, and have lost quite a bit of weight, and am pretty fit – but still bigger than most. Anyways, one of the things I do is a Spinning class. Last week, there was an instructor in training up at the front of the class. He was super smiley, and enthusiastic, and clearly thrilled to lead one of the tracks. Throughout the class I was one of the only people in the class woo-hooing and stuff, and I was right across from him, and the class was small, so I knew he could see me during the class.
Anyways, I worked really hard. So I felt really good when I left the class.
On my way out after class, I walked past the instructors, and the newbie was like “really good job today!” I told him “you too” and then I got really weirded out. Did he just mean that? Was he just trying to be encouraging? Was he surprised I could stick with it, since I don’t LOOK like a spinning devotee (especially in my hot hot bike shorts)?
My point is that I agree with practically all the other commenters. I’ve had people be encouraging at the end of a first class (step. HARD.), and smile encouragingly on the weight floor, and I’ve never had a problem with it. It has had the intended positive effect. But last week I reacted in a negative way to a comment that was (in all likelihood!) meant to be encouraging because of where I was in my head that day. It can be hard to accept encouragement when you’re feeling vulnerable – even though that encouragement is often exactly what we need to stick with it.
So I’d encourage you to keep trying to encourage people, even if it means you’ve got to change your tactics (smiles? something a little more neutral like “What a workout, eh? What do you think of this instructor?”). But a friendly presence in the gym will, the vast majority of the time, be more appreciated than not. 🙂
Ouch, wasn’t expecting that reaction. Overweight people are extra self-conscious, especially in a setting filled with people that are for the most part, fit and healthy. I say this as a reformed chubbster who was too embarrassed to go the gym. I never set foot in the Y until I had already lost a majority of my weight through walking/running outdoors.
Charlotte, you definitely did NOT deserve such a bitter response, but please keep in mind how much courage it took for that woman to even attempt the class. She was probably so paranoid the whole time, thinking everyone was judging and staring at her. I’m sure none of you were, but that’s what I would have thought in her shoes. Hopefully, she will remember your kindness and come back. Sounds like she needs some love and compassion.
don’t really have anything additional to add. just want you to know that i think you did the right thing… you come from the right place… she’s clearly the one with the issue.
maybe you can catch her in the future, tell her you weren’t being patronizing (maybe hand her a printed copy of this post). it might make a difference… or it could turn out badly : )
you also can leave it as it is knowing that not all shots score, but that we alway miss 100% of those we don’t take.
you are wonderful and appreciated.
ps. totally did not get dr. j’s comment
Oooh jeez. That’s an awkward situation.
That’s the real problem, isn’t it? Even things like encouragement, we have to be aware of how other people appear and all to judge whether or not it is our place to encourage. It’s almost like we have to discriminate so that we can avoid being discriminating! Ridiculous.
In that kind of situation I find its best to be self-deprecating. Rather than ask someone if they’re new/if they found the workout tough, go for more of a “crap that was a tough workout today, I’m here regularly and its a challenge every time!” angle.
I think that it’s obvious that the woman’s anger was obviously generated from something else.
I’m with you, Charlotte, I try to be especially friendly to newbies. The exception is when they’re obviously got some walls up, making themselves unapproachable. In those cases I try to respect that thsoe people want their space.
First off, as usual, you totally crack me up. The APGAR and Costco lines? Hilarious.
I think that woman is going to be pretty embarrassed, if she does stick it out, to see you being friendly and encouraging to everyone who’s new, fat or slim. She may realize it’s just about you being warm and friendly, not about her weight.
The only thing I can think of is that if the compliment felt too unrealistically positive to her, it might have seemed to point out the opposite. Like when a cashier says “you have a nice day, young lady,” to an seventy-year old. But it sounds like you were complimenting her effort, not her performance, which was a totally genuine thing to say. And for her to attack you for trying to be nice is really bizarre! I don’t think she’ll be making many friends with that attitude.
I would love to have someone like you encourage me if I were new in a class!
Dammed if you do, dammed of you don’t. There are so many of us that have decided that going through life should be silent and to ourselves that we become dull. Help can come from many areas and reaching out may just encourage the right one. Don’t give up Charlotte
I’m not a trainer, but I attend a weekly bootcamp which more often than not has at least one new person every week.
I ALWAYS say something encouraging, and I’ve been lucky enough to not encounter any responses like you did. I’m fully aware that it may happen sooner or later, but I don’t care! That’s the way I roll, and I think my encouragement has convinced many people to keep going.
I’m sorry you got such a crummy reaction! Don’t let her response ruin your attempts at encouragement. Sure, she didn’t respond well, but the next person might really be uplifted, and might just make the effort to come back for the next class.
I’m a trainer, and it’s tough for me to know when to encourage people for that reason.
Although the place I work out is different from the place I work (too many people hitting me up for free advice/blatantly staring at me during my workout).
My rule? keep quiet during the workout, but encourage at work. At least it minimizes the negative responses.
First she was over the top, way over! But you do not know what has happened in her day or where her head was at at that moment. You are assuming she was in need of encouragement, she stuck it out, maybe she just needed to get to that “fit in” place on her own first. Maybe before class a previous situation took place and she was still hurting from it. She sounded like she was hurting, who knows. I hope she finds a way to get past it. She will find it hard to go on with it if the negative feelings and pain stay.
You did not mean to offend and for many it would help so you have to be you. People will connect with the others that fit. This was just not a fit, at least for now. I remember hating my Pilate’s instructor (really her style, but she was the only choice at the time) but after several sessions we were great friends. Sorry you had this happen.
I have found some people are defensive and suspicious of me and my motives from the minute they lay eyes on me. Obviously I haven’t even opened my mouth yet so that is not any fault of my own and I am betting this may be the case with this person. What she said was extremely rude but I have had friends that started out that way and then let me in and I saw why they ended up like that. It is hard to fathom just how hard one person’s life can be and when they build up a tough shell like that it is usually for a reason. Perhaps something neutral such as, “Nice to see a new face in here, or simply Hi my name is…”
I don’t think you were wrong in trying to be encouraging but not everyone is willing to accept that type of thing right off the bat. The world can be cruel and some people would say such a thing just to snark about her later with their buddies. Your heart is good and your intentions likewise, I say keep it up but be aware that some humans will behave like frightened animals.
It’s awesome that you make an effort to reach out to people in the gym. I can see why that woman might have been touchy about not being able to keep up…it’s too bad she left so quickly and jumped to conclusions. I hope she came back!
Charlotte,
In reading what you said to her, it was funny, because I know I’ve said -exactly- the same thing to people in my class. Especially step, which tends to be kind of advanced, so I’ll go up to them after class if they’re still there and tell them how well they did to keep moving and stick it out and how it does get easier the more they practice. I do sometimes worry that they’ll find it condescending, but most of them seem to appreciate the encouragement.
I think that a lot of it did have to do with the place she was in. Because everyone has a different filter through which they view the world, and if she’s had difficulty with her weight, it could be set off very easily, even if that was really not your intention. But good for you for trying to be welcoming, even if it didn’t come off the way you were expecting.
Seriously – you did not deserve that. Just don’t let it keep you from doing it again, the more “cheerleaders” in the world, the better, I say. There is this one girl I see at the gym all the time, very overweight but has obviously lost some since September and she’s been very dedicated. I’d love to encourage her, but I just don’t know what to say without risking something like that. For now, I’ll just smile at her and hope she can read minds…
She reacted that way because of her own issues. She felt self-conscious and instead of seeing the good in your intentions felt that you were attacking her. She put up a wall before you could say “boo” and scary her away.
Char –
With our disconnected society these days, people don’t communicate or are too busy listening to their iPods or don’t even make eye contact with each other, I feel at least taking that small step to make a connection with someone is HUGE!!! I feel you absolutely did the right thing with a “newbie” in the class. She probably saw you as a skinny threat and she decided to lash out in the wrong way. I feel sorry for her that she couldn’t see through her own “stuff” and make a connection with another human being.
There is just too much negativity going on these days and as Rodney King said, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
See you tonite for Hip-Hop Hustle!! YouTube baby!!!
I remember a few years back at the YMCA I was going to I started seen a quite obese woman. She was there at least 4 or 5 days a week, working out as best she could on the elliptical. always wanted to say something to encourage her, because I was quite proud of her for coming so faithfully for more than just a few weeks after Jan 1. But I never did because I thought for sure my ‘something encouraging’ would be seen to her as some skinny bitch making fun of her.
Oh, gosh. This might get a little long, so sorry in advance. 🙂
First, I think it’s totally great that you make an effort to strike up conversations with new folks. It’s freakin’ FANTASTIC, in fact.
But I have to admit, as someone who isn’t obese, but who is still heavy, most of the time when people talk to me in the gym, it is usually to express astonishment that I can actually DO whatever it was I was setting out to do. Sometimes it’s blatant: “Wow. I guess you really CAN do that!” and sometimes it’s more subtle.
And although I’m sure you weren’t patronizing, when 80% of the comments one gets ARE patronizing, that’s what one tends to look for first. I’m looking for nasty first, and nice second, because most of the time I have to either defend myself, or extricate myself from the situation. It’s sad, but there it is.
Having said that, I think the best way (or at least the way that would communicate to me that there was no nastiness implied) would be to comment either on THE workout, or on YOUR workout, but not on HER workout. Does that make sense? You could say, “Holy crap, that class was hard today!” or “Wow, today’s class really kicked my butt!” but don’t tell her it was awesome that she stuck it out – even if it WAS awesome.
(Also, remember that it may or may not be awesome: it might have been her first class in FOREVER, but then again, she might do triathalons on a regular basis and it was just that particular class that was new. I have to admit that if I were super-fit, and someone congratulated me on sticking it out in a class, I’d be peeved. Now, in all fairness, that doesn’t sound like the case, but again, you never know.)
FINALLY. 🙂 Regardless of all that? She was still rude to you. So no excuses for her on that count. Bad manners: fail. And I hope that you don’t let it put you off of talking to people, because that’s AWESOME. I would have LOVED for someone to come talk to me randomly after class. But I would have loved it most if they didn’t comment on my workout.
)Actually, that’s not totally true. As ironic as it sounds, I’d rather they comment if they know something that would help me. But no comments about how well I’m doing, because those often do sound patronizing.)
🙂
People usually keep to themselves at my gym, no one really comments on anything unless asked. That’s something I hadn’t seen in the blog responses (above).
One morning I was on the rowing machine, and noticed the man next to me pulling out his log book to make notes. Since he was done with his workout, I asked him if I could ask a question about his log book. He answered my question and then said, “do you mind if I make a suggestion (on the rowing)?” I eagerly listened, and learned that my technique was waaaay off. I was glad to be corrected early before I hurt myself. This “helping” encounter began with the “helpee” doing the initiating.
Since then, I have been asked by two women (both “newbies”)on two different days if I might show them how to use the rowing machine. I obliged and also let them know I’m just learning myself, and encouraged each to go to the Concept2 website (this is the type Gold’s has here) to get more complete info and see a training video clip. When I was done with my rowing workout, I showed each the monitor on their rower and gave encouraging words about how well they’d done so far. When I saw each of them the next time, I just waved and smiled. To one lady I told her it was good to see her back and way to go. Both women smiled and said thank you, and seemed very appreciative of the effort.
I don’t pester either of those women now, just smile if I see them. I wanted them to know that the gym is a safe place to be.
So it seems that at my gym, it’s best to be asked first, not make the first move.
Hmm, okay so I’m a big girl. I run, I tri, I am an athlete. And I can totally understand where she is coming from. I think that encouragement is VERY personal. And if you don’t know someone, then it can come off as offensive. It could come off as dang, how did this fat girl get through this tough class?? Geez that’s amazing. Which is insulting.
As as a big girl, going into a gym class or just the gym can be very annoying. I’ve worked out for ages. I’m not fat b/c I don’t workout – I’m fat b/c I have issues with eating. And I’ve had people tell me what I should do, shouldn’t do, what I do right, what I do wrong, why people my weight should do this, that is too hard/heavy/tough for you, why are you doing that, congrats for being at the gym at all, ect. My skinny friends don’t get all this “advice and encouragement.” Let’s face facts – most people assume that big people at the gym need help and need encouragement. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. But since we tend to get a landslide of sometimes unwanted help or attention, it does get old. I am usually nice and ignore people, but sometimes, I do just want to tell them where to go. Maybe you were the 10th person that day or week that said something and you caught her at the low and she snapped. Who knows. Her response was a tad rude, but her feeling, I’ve definitely felt that way myself. I usually just don’t call people I’ve just met bitches.
I think a better approach – just say hi, noticed you were new. What’s up? Become friends, then you can figure out the right way to encourage her. Why is there the need to encourage a random fat person at the gym that you don’t know? Do people encourage way too skinny girls at the mall to go to the food court and eat? Not in this society unless it’s a friend you know and know her story. For this girl at the gym, who knows, maybe she was an athlete in a former life. Maybe she has already lost 50 lbs. You just don’t know. And if you don’t know the why and background story, then really, you don’t know how to encourage them because you don’t really know what they need encouragement to do.
I understand that we live in a ridiculously fat-phobic society, and maybe there are other ways of phrasing your support (“Hi! Man that class is tough. I’m Charlotte, by the way. And I LOVE your top! [hair, sneakers, whatever]” Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so it’s easy for me to sit here and give advice), but I also think that assuming someone who comes to talk to you is automatically making fun of you makes your life that much harder. At some point, we all have to come to accept ourselves, just as we are. That doesn’t mean we can’t change and evolve, it just means we have to change for ourselves, not because we think we “should.”
You did the best you could and it probably had nothing to do with you approaching her at all.
She was probably frustrated and was going to take it out on the first person who crossed her path.
Thankfully, you can handle yourself, and took the brunt of her rage. If you didn’t approach her, she might have taken it out on the smoothie desk guy with a swift kick to his mangoes.
Oh Charlotte, you did the right thing. I have a little of that girl in me as well and can’t say how I would have reacted. She probably already felt out of place and insecure and reaceted from that position. However, where it me I would have left that day and thought about what you said. It is hard to be a big girl in a world that only responds to small.
If you see this girl again, I would suggest trying to talk to her again. Appologize for the misunderstanding and maybe relate a story from your first time. It will catch her off guard a little but it will give her something to think about.
I hope you do see her again.
Jenn
I want to reply to this comment…
I remember a few years back at the YMCA I was going to I started seen a quite obese woman. She was there at least 4 or 5 days a week, working out as best she could on the elliptical. always wanted to say something to encourage her, because I was quite proud of her for coming so faithfully for more than just a few weeks after Jan 1. But I never did because I thought for sure my ‘something encouraging’ would be seen to her as some skinny bitch making fun of her.
I am glad that you never did say anything to her. It’s not just about thinking “some skinny bitch” is making fun of you.
To compliment or encourage a fat person for going to the gym regularly is patronizing because it’s something most people would never think to do for a thin person. Understand, it’s not like we/they (I’m sort of borderline fat) don’t get that it’s meant kindly. It’s just that it’s terribly presumptuous to make such comments. It presumes that this person doesn’t really have much experience with exercise, or that they have a goal in mind that you could possibly know about. To say that you’re “proud” of someone you don’t even know for going to the gym is, well, paternalistic to say the least. It smacks of assumption, as in, “clearly she’s doing something that’s unusual for her” or “her goals are noble” or…or something. It’s just damn condescending. I know you don’t mean it that way. I know it’s not intentional. But when it’s BECAUSE they are fat that you want to encourage them, then it is really, really patronizing.
These kinds of “compliments” are inherently touchy for anyone, but doubly likely to be so for a fat person because of the assumptions that seem to be seen in them. I understand encouragement, but it’s really wisest to start with just a friendly introduction that can hopefully lead to a conversation about your fitness and exercise *goals* and why each of you is there. Any sort of compliment or encouragement inherently presumes to know these goals, and that’s just not possible. It’s the kind of thing that really is best to happen between acquaintances sharing many aspects of the workout experience, and not random strangers.
My only concern is I can’t figure out what’s wrong with the tat!! Someone help me.
I’ve said things before and then hear people complain about “skinny” people and their syrupy sweetness. Woops, I just get excited when people are obviously pushing though a comfort zone. That’s how I started.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
There are some large people that would appreciate the encouragement and support. I have been a large person, and I know I would have.
Obviously, you weren’t deliberately being patronizing. And if you were sweating so copiously, then it WAS a tough workout.
Let me ask–would you have said the same thing to someone who was skinny/average? If so, it’s her problem, not yours.
Having just watched Elf last night–I just love Will Farrell–I imagined you being very Will Farrell like when you approached the cranky lady in class. So, the scene was very funny for me… as for any real advice… here’s what I think: when you do anything from the heart, a place of true sincerity (which you did in this case) it can never be wrong.
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