A friend called me today with an interesting conundrum. Simply put, despite her best efforts, she gets hit on at the gym all the time. Now, before you go off rolling your eyes and muttering about how pretty people need real problems, she brings up an interesting point. As women, we have to walk a fine line: if we are too cold we’re a bitch (pardon my French), if we are too friendly then we’re a cock tease (again, with the French). And that middle ground – friendly, accommodating but definitely not interested in getting our cardio in the broom closet – can be hard to find. Because it often varies based on the perception of each individual man.
Let me start by saying that this rarely happens to me. At the gym I work out at, the men that work out at the time of day I am there are to a man polite, kind and never inappropriate. It also helps that the vast majority are geriatric. But my friend works out a different kind of gym at a different time of day leading to a much more meat-market atmosphere. And her problem is important because it has consequences beyond mere interrupted weight sets and winks in the mirror.
Just today I came across this article idiotically titled “Advice 4 Women: How Not To Get a “Deserved” Raping.” The author, who describes himself as nicer than most men, writes about an experience at a club where a woman initiated dancing with him. According to him, the dancing was your standard bump-n-grind club fare. After several dances of this sort, he was convinced that “Dang, I know we’re just dancing but she must really want me to give it to her right!” and went in for some additional action. She shut him down cold. Here’s where the story gets very uncomfortable – he then writes that since he’s “nice” he let her go but “had I been a less-than-understanding guy (i.e., a forceful-type of guy who always “gets what he wants by any means necessary”), I could have just as easily forced a kiss on her, or worse – waited until after the club let out to follow her to her car, then followed her to her house. And, when she got out her car, I could have been right there ready to pounce on her, saying: ‘I think you owe me something, lady!!'” (Charlotte’s note: “Owe him”?!? Excuse me? It sounds to me like he already got a free lap dance out of it.)
I have been in the situation where someone “forced a kiss” on me in a club (and we weren’t even dancing!) It seriously freaked me out. And that kind of thing really sticks with you. So that’s the problem men. If you’re a stranger, we don’t know what kind of guy you are or what kind of expectations you have. Are you the type to go postal, grab me and yell in my face if you perceive my refusal as a personal affront to your manliness? (Also happened to me.) Or will you just be chill and expect nothing from me even if I plant myself directly in front of you in booty shorts and a sports bra? And then drop my towel? (Not that I do that!)
And so we return to my friend. She was in a position with several physically intimidating men. They were not in any way threatening her but being a woman in our society means you have to be very careful. So when one of the men approached her and introduced himself, she wasn’t sure how to reply. At first she was a bit cold – she told me she wished she would have had her iPod because then at least she could have pretended she didn’t hear him – but then later felt bad and went over on her way out and thanked him for being friendly. By the time she got to the parking lot, she’d second-guessed herself again and wondered if she’d given him “the wrong idea.”
I think this situation is even more precarious in a gym setting since people are a) wearing a lot less clothing than usual, b) often there to look at bodies (especially their own) and c) doing some interesting and occassionally downright sexy moves. Tell me you’ve never seen someone draped all over a Swiss ball or in Downward Facing Dog and didn’t giggle like a 6th grader. And that’s not even taking intentionally sexy workouts like Hip Hop or The S Factor into account.
While I agree that in most situations honesty is the best policy, this has awkward written all over it:
Him: Uh, hi there. I’m Oberon.
Her: Hi! I’m Ramona! And my husband’s name is Leslie which I know sounds like a girl but it was actually a traditionally boy name before the girls misappropriated it like they do with so many other traditionally boy names. You know, like Jordan, Sharon and Terry? Which incidentally are my three kids names. Wanna see pics?
Him: Actually, I was just hoping I could use that weight bench behind you. But thanks for the offer.
Her: Hey, any time! That’s what us motherly types are for!
So what’s a (married/in-a-relationship/just-not-interested) girl to do? Girls: how do you walk that line between friendly and feisty? Men: what exactly should my friend say the next time this happens to her? Is there a way to let a (hopefully nice, non-rapist) man know that you’re not being mean but you just aren’t interested? Somehow I think our own Prof. Platek will have a lot to say on this!
Given how important safety is, especially around muscled-up men who may or may not be on drugs, I don’t see the harm in being cold. If you’re not looking for friendship (or more), I say take the safe route and make it clear you’re not interested.
Also, flashing the wedding ring always helps.
I take the same approach as I did with the bullies at school – pretend you didn’t hear ’em and walk away. Thanks mum! To be honest I’m so shy at the gym that it’s not even an issue for me. I wouldn’t worry about appearing cold, I think in this day and age it’s far more important that everybody knows where they stand.
Considering I’m one of the least provocative women I know, it does make me feel sad to think of bad experiences I’ve had with men in clubs or social situations where alcohol was involved. I can’t suggest anything apart from be sensible and girls – look after each other!
TA x
The men I find more challenging to deal with at the gym are the lurkers. They are the ones that don’t directly talk to you but they stare at you, use the machines right next to you when there are 10 other open machines, and basically follow you around but never speak to you yet shower you with their vibe. If you confront them, they act like you’re misinterpreting their actions. At least with the guys that talk to you, you can politely say I’m flattered but I’m spoken for. If they do something out of line you can report them as an incident has occurred. The lurkers however are the passive aggressive types and they haven’t technically “done” anything except invade your space with unwanted energy. I’ve left gyms because of these types.
At my previous gym, meat men would sometimes come talk to me. I would usually just say “sorry, i have to focus on my exercise now” (good reason to make the exercise even harder). The only chatter i welcome is friendly workout advice or help with the weights. After a few months of that, I might be convinced to strike up a conversation.
Steph is right about the lurkers, they are downright creepy. But that happens very rarely (and boy are they getting a bad workout out of it).
Fortunately, I know that if anything were to happen in my current trucker gym, the next time the offending male would dare show up he’d be greeted by some angry burly men with tire irons.
Reading your blog often makes me very thankful for my Y! People don’t really hit on each other…or maybe, they’re just not hitting on me. I usually go early in the morning, do my thing, and get out. Everyone is friendly, but I think the AM crowd is just really trying to get in their workout before the day begins. Plus, everyone literally just rolled out of bed – some of us look pretty rough. It might be a totally different story in the after work hours.
So my suggestions are try working out early if your schedule allows it. Wear headphones – this is key and has prevented me from getting stuck in many a conversation. Wear conservative workout clothes. I’m sorry, but men WILL notice if you’re bouncing around in some teeny-tiny sports bra and spandex shorts. The polite ones may not stare, but they will still notice. I also agree with M – if you’re married, flash the ring. Works like a charm.
Interesting article but VERY stereotypical about men in general and men in the gym. If someone doesn’t have enough backbone to mentioned to someone that they uncomfortable then they need to grow one. I guess today’s article is man bashing day.
An unmarried friend of mine, just a friend, really a friend, decided to wear a “wedding ring” at the gym, and that solved it for her.
Considering I have never been hit on in my life (that I can recall anyway) I am certainly not in a place to give advice. Or maybe I do know how to send the “not interested” vibe. I don’t know.
I do occasionally have a brief conversation with a man at the park (because he brought his kids there) or at the Target or something. I am a little less friendly than with women, but not rude. If I ever get the feeling the conversation gets too friendly, I reference my husband or kids (hopefully not as awkwardly as your funny anecdote earlier) but enough to point out the boundaries; just in case.
The words “deserved” and “rape” should never make it in the same sentence. But there are bad people in the world and we have to be careful. I remember college friends who loved hopping in cars with men they didn’t know or falling all over some guy at a party all night and then asking to be alone with him…it’s like dangling your limbs over an alligator pit. Sure, all men should have more self control than an alligator, but not all do. My friends got lucky and didn’t get raped from those stunts. But that isn’t always the outcome.
On the other hand, answering brief questions at the gym (Excuse me, do you know where the towels are?) probably wouldn’t be taken as encouraging by anyone but the most desparate men. I think it is all about the tone and the nonverbal. Asking where the towels are kept can mean just that when asked flatly. But add the right inflection, body language and follow up conversation and it could be taken as more.
I struggle with finding that “middle ground,” too. I am normally one of those people who tries to be super cheerful (well, not annoyingly so) to everyone. But, you know, sometimes people just give you the creeps. (I blame it on all the Lifetime movies).
If I ever get those bad vibes, I do tend to act more cold. I figure if it’s someone I don’t know, I don’t care as much what they think. Now if I’ve had some DRINKS in me (at a club, not a gym…though that might be interesting), I’m definitely more likely to be cold if I get bad vibes from someone. Maybe I should start drinking at the gym, too? (It’s water, I swear!) 🙂
One way to go is ask the guy if he knows your husband when he strikes up a conversation.
Although, my wife tried that with a creepy guy at the Y recently and it didn’t seem to help.
I think I know who it is and I have had to resist the urge to take him down and go for a choke…….
First off: “meat-market atmosphere” is great! I love the way you write!
But I don’t know how to help your friend. I’m lucky to go to a YWCA where there are still a number of men, but usually they are friendly, smiley guys like me, and nothing more. I think coming across as “bitchy” might just be the way to go at the gym. She’s there for the workout. She doesn’t need to make male friends.
Just my 2 cents.
m – sorry, I forgot to add that she does wear a ring but her weight gloves cover it.
TA – Good advice! Esp. the part about girls looking after each other.
Steph – eeek! I’ve never been “lurked after” – sounds scary!
Jules – 1) your line sounds perfect! I think it’s a winner and 2) your gym sounds awesome:)
heather – yeah, this doesn’t happen to me either. The men I work out with are all very polite. And yes, she wears a ring but her weight gloves cover it.
Anon – not trying to male bash at all around here! If you will remember, I said very kind things about the men I work out with. Just trying to help a reader out – her question is def. legit. Sorry you felt picked on!
Dr. J – Yes, she wears a ring but her weight gloves cover it.
Shellie – great point about the body language!!
CDLover – you crack me up, girl! Drinks in the gym, Lifetime movies, general discussion of “bad vibes” – love it!
JamesW – Excellent point about asking about the husband! Very smooth.
Steve – Yeah, I don’t know if it’s a Minnesota thing but my Y sounds like yours. Most Everyone is happy, smiley and very helpful. I’m lucky to work out with some seriously great folks.
Ick.
Really, I had no idea it was still this bad out there.
Single women can’t even feel safe in a gym from aggressive advances?
I find that tremendously depressing. And I couldn’t even click on the article about “deserved raping.” Yikes.
I’ve had the lurker experience, and it was funny because I cramped up on the elliptical, then when it was over, I wanted to go home. So I went to the treadmill my boyfriend was on, and told him I’d be waiting for him. Boyfriend totally hopped off the treadmill, wiped it down, then wiped down my elliptical. Lurker was freaked.
I like the idea of the wedding ring, but it’d be a little strange for those of us in a relationship.
Is it okay if I do my own post on this at some point?
My sister and I have this exact conversation almost every day. We are both naturally very friendly people and we LIKE people. So, somehow we both find ourselves in a lot of situations where guys get the wrong idea and we have no idea how they got there. We’ve discussed how to be a bit cold without being a complete bitch but I don’t honestly know how possible it is to walk that line!
On one hand you don’t want to make the assumption that a guy is coming on to you, but on the other you don’t want to be too nice so as to give him the wrong impression. This is a HUGE problem. Thanks for addressing it!
Maybe we need to invent the “wedding tiara” for those that wear gloves 🙂
I once had a friend suggest that we all have a ready light, like the microwave. If it’s on, we are ready. If not, back off!
I love Dr. J’s idea! Tiaras are always fun. 🙂 I hate that someone took this the wrong way…I’m sure there’s desperate women out there who have “drowned” a guy in creepiness. There are certain men out there who can’t be “just friends” and take any kind of niceness the wrong way. It’s not stereotyping, it’s just true. I have no idea what to tell your friend. I’m friendly to everyone at work (since I don’t go to the gym I’ll relate this to the workplace), and one guy took it the wrong way. I cut that crap real quick! Now it’s awkward if I see him around the building, but the term “dirty old man” is not lost on him. 🙁
The idea of “deserved rape” makes me furious and just disgusted that there are still some individuals (men and women) who have such backwards ideas.
Regarding your question, I embrace being bitch. Seriously, I don’t really consider that I’m being bitchy if I’m just not being outwardly friendly, but if someone wants to construe it as such, then I’m perfectly comfortable with that.
I’m also comfortable at a dance club telling the guy trying to grind against me to back off. While I have miriad otehr issues, being assertive/agressive about my space and body is NOT one of them. And if I’m called a bitch, then that’s just indicative of a lack of self awareness on the part of the man in question.
Okay, some of the points the guy you quoted spewed made me want to punch my computer screen. But it’s a new comp, so I refrained.
I think the best thing to do is just wear the headphones and pretend you can’t hear anything. You don’t have to be a bitch to people, and unless they are really persistent, they’ll give up trying to chat. At least, that works for me at school/work, where nerdy people like me don’t always catch on to subtle hints.
Sorry, my first sentence made no sense. Try #2. The things that guy spewed forth made me want to punch my computer screen.
Crabby – Well I don’t know that it is “this bad” all time in all situations. Just occassionally I think.
Tricia – great story! And yes, of course, girl! Post on whatever you like! Send me the link when you’ve got it up – would love to read your thoughts.
Sagan – It’s interesting to me that both you and your sister have that issue. Good point about assumptions
Dr. J – PERFECT! I would SO wear a tiara to the gym:)
Colleen – bummer about your coworker:( But good for you for sticking up for yourself. I think a lot of girls are too worried about being “polite” and then things escalate.
Loey – I love your response. Very powerful!
Gena – you crack me up:) Yes, that article made me feel physically ill. Perhaps I was remiss in tying it into my friend’s question but my mind works that way.
I too am disgusted by the idea of “deserved rape.” It sounds too much like “she was asking for it” just because she was wearing something moderately sexy. And that dude totally creeped me out, how he was going on about what he could have done if he weren’t a nice guy…because seriously, if he were that nice a guy, would he have played through that whole scenario in his head?
I actually have the opposite problem. I’m single and very friendly, and I feel like lots of guys just think I’m being friendly, even if I’m interested (whether it’s at the gym or not). It’s also more complicated because I work there.
I hate the lurkers. One of my friends and I used to lift weights a few times a week together and she had a lurker. Every time we’d lift, he’d be there, staring at her. He’d always be within about a two or three machine radius.
Another time I was at the juice bar after my workout and a guy was just staring at me intently from the other side of the bar. One of my friends texted me that I should go with it, he was interested, but damn the dude creeped me out! All he was doing was staring, not talking, just staring. What makes guys think that that’ll get them anywhere?
I think its a very female trait to assertively tell someone your not interested and then feel guilty for it, apologize, and be back where you started.
I’d recommend the headphones in at all time method. If you’re “into you workout” and “zoning out to your music” then its harder to be interrupted, but that’s just me. I had issues at my gym for a while so my cousins husband came with me one day and pretended to be my BF the regulars got the picture and have left me alone since then.
Oh, and I must add that if you’re in a happy relationship that almost always seems to intice people even more! I guess your confidence shows? Almost like going to a job interview when you already have a job – you just project more poise or something. Perhaps we should all act like we’re desperate for a date and then the come-ons will be a lot less frequent! 🙂 I’m just kidding of course.
Great post! I usually don’t make a lot of eye contact and just go about my business.
There is a fine line and everyone interprets things differently too! Where you might think that you expressed yourself the right way, someone could think something totally opposite. It’s complicated!
Maybe its just because I have arms like pipe cleaners, but I’ve never thought of the gym as a good place to approach the opposite sex (and even more so now, because I think my wife wouldn’t be to thrilled with me if I started hitting on women, right?). Yes, there seems to be more oggling-per-square-inch than anywhere else, but I just can’t see how any conversation in a workout environment could be anything but insanely awkward (“So…I see you like…lifting things…?”). Then again, I’m the anti-Lionel Ritchie, so everything that stumbles out of my mouth just comes out sounding like Sloth from “The Goonies.”
On a more serious note, the blog written by Mr. Sensitive is a scary but true sign of how many men think when iterpreting body language and intentions of the opposite sex. Thinking big picture, the “deserved rape” mentality needs to be addressed early on with men/boys at a young age. I think conduct towards the opposite sex should be taught very similar to how sex ed is currently taught, in which you separate the boys and the girls, and address what is appropriate/right/legal and what is wrong. There also needs to be open dialogue between adults and younger people to have their questions answered about what bizzare changes are going on in their mind and body. If there is anything more confusing to young men it is what testosterone and hormones do to their thought process, and sadly there are too many young men that don’t get the direction and advice they need. As they mature physically, they may not have matured mentally, and their aggression may take over their sensability.
Great blog as always Charlotte!
Well, I’ve never gone to a co-ed gym, so I’m useless there. I have the same problem though – I don’t want to seem available, but I don’t want to seem unlikable. Lately, I’ve been erring on the side of being a bitch though.
I don’t know if it’s te differences in culture here or what, but I have been hit on often while I am with my sons. I get honked at pushing them in their strollers to the library, I had someone stop his truck to try to talk to me while I was taking them for a walk in our neighborhood. For awhile there was this guy who totally creeped me out who kept bothering me at the park – the PARK – while I was playing with my kids. I always wear my wedding ring (and it’s pretty noticeable), I am usually wearing baggy capris and ratty tank-tops, and my hair in a ponytail. I am NOT putting off any “hit-on-me” vibes. UGH!
Who hits on someone when she’s with her kids?
I’ll never forget the advice of my Experimental Psychology teacher given to the incoming freshmen women:
“If any of you girls are looking to pick up guys, go to the gym. Research has shown that as testosterone levels rise due to physical activity, men find women more attractive. You all will have a better chance at picking up dates!”
hmmm…so, we can see that with less clothing and raised testosterone, we ladies can be in a bind. I generally try to say hi and continue with my workout. Men can sometimes have one track minds in the gym about getting their workouts done quickly (and not sharing gym equipment), so I just pretend I’m oblivious as well.
Yeah, couldn’t even click on the article, made me mad. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been forced into anything (I am lucky in this aspect to look pretty intimidating for my size and gender) even though I’ve done some stoooopid things in my past.
In the gym though, I have headphones on the entire time. Music, and only music, gets me through my workout. And I do weird stuff and act like a spaz in the gym so I’m pretty sure no one will ever even try to hit on (or talk to) me, thankfully.
When I was younger (and still getting hit on occasionally) I wore a fake wedding ring to the gym, or to any place where I felt it might happen.
Sorry, Anonymous, but this is a very real problem for a lot of women and, I’m sure, an increasing number of men, at least as far as the awkwardness factor. But every woman I know has been harassed by a man at least once. Usually a lot more than that. It’s the bad apple syndrome, I’m afraid. And, honestly, I believe it’s more important to keep yourself safe than to worry about the feelings of a person you don’t know.
I work out at a very family-friendly gym nowadays, so no one is picking anyone up. I also joined a women-only gym for a while, and even went to a gym used mainly by gay men (I really liked that one. The guys were friendly, but completely uninterested in me, lol!)
P.S. LOVE the ideas for a wedding tiara and a “ready” light!
Good post! I know this issue so well. One thing I have learned from men, too is that they think they are the only one making these unwanted advances or just are not conscious of how constant and exhausting it can be. I used to be a bartender at a big club in Minneapolis. You might – or might no – be amazed at how being held captive behind a bar and being paid to be nice really gets some guys confused. They seem to think that professional courtesy = the right to lean over the bar and try to slobber on my hand/arm/face. Alcohol certainly never helped this situation.
Even my coolest and most sensitive guy friends never seemed to understand. Until…..I took them to the gay bar. Sweet liberty! Nobody so much as looked at me and my girlfriends and we danced and had a great time. But my sensitive, liberal, non-homophobe straight guy friends were getting hit on left and right. We’d leave the cluba nd they would be annoyed, exasperated and feel spent.
“See?” I’d say, “That is what it feels like to be the subject of relentless unwanted advances from people you do not – for whatever reason – find attractive. Except in most womens’ cases we have had to deal with that EVERY day since puberty. Think about that for a while.”
Charlotte,
Thanks for posting this for me. I think the best advice, even my husband suggested it, is to wear my ipod. I didn’t get to wear it those two days, since my it is my hubbies and he went running with it. I usually always had them on.
The other thing is, is that I am not the usual, very attractive, body type that most men hit on at the gym. I am a little bit bigger than the typical weight lifting girl. And since I am a little larger I wear spandex capris, but I wear long tanks layered over them.
I will wear my ipod and take Coleen’s advice to say hi and then get back to working out. I just cannot be rude, not in my nature.
I really liked Ted’s comments. I agree that both young men AND young WOMEN need to be taught what is approbriate behavior and dress.
Thanks again for the help.
Anonymous Friend
lethological – Yah, that article is something else. I can’t believe the crap people write. Man, I have never noticed “the lurkers” before!!! How have I never heard of this gym persona?
Seabreeze – you nailed it in your first paragraph. I think the not-nice men out there prey on this tendency.
colleen – never thought of it that way but you are so right!
girl on top – why we gotta make things so complicated?? 😉
Ted – “So I see…you like lifting… things” ROFL!!!! Funniest thing I’ve read all day. And fantastic point about teaching boys young. As a mom of 3 of them I take that very seriously.
Judy – I can’t believe someone hit on you in front of your kids!! You’d think kids would be like a red-flashing neon sign to stay away.
bird brains – very interesting info about the testosterone! Hadn’t thought of that angle!
Quix – I am a total spaz in the gym as well. Probably why I never get hit on!
Azusmom – You should do a whole blog post about the gay gym!!
Recess – I’d never considered what it was like for bartenders. Good point. Your gay bar anecdote was HILARIOUS! Love it. “sweet liberty” that’s my new catch phrase.
Anon (2) – You know I love you girl! Hope this helps!
Kelly is a boy turned girl name as well.
My boyfriend is in a band and plays in a lot of pretty big venues. so, when i go to his shows, obviously, he isnt around me. Im usually with friends but sometimes ill be at the bar by myself. guy come up and mack on me hard, usually making a comment about the band. I usually say, “yeah my boyfriend is the bassist. Its a pretty big deal he’s playing tonight because he had to get special permission from his parole office, so Id rather not be bothered.”
Then they look at the stage and see the Filipino guy with ridiculously long black hair and tattoos and leave. it never fails.
“owe him” something. that made me sick to my stomach.
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Count me in among those who did not click through to the article. The blinding rage I had just from reading your summary was enough.
As far as bitch vs. cock tease, why does it have to be one or the other? I’ve noticed that if I’m not friendly to someone, I feel like that automatically makes me a bitch, but I’ve come to think that feeling is mostly female social conditioning. There is a big ol’ line between straightforward and bitch, and if the guy can’t see it, that’s his problem, you know?
Watch men interact. They’re often straightforward with each other, and it’s not seen as unfriendly, per se. It’s just straightforward.
Actually, I’ve noticed that since I’ve learned to differentiate between the two, I actually get MORE respect when I say, “It’s nice to meet you, but I’m really concentrating on my workout right now. Have a good night/day/whatever, though.” Very few guys get pissed, and even fewer persist. It’s been an interesting social experiment. And as an added bonus, it’s been a BIG confidence-booster. I no longer feel like I have to hide behind head phones or a wedding ring. He took a shot, no harm, no foul, no worries.
The lurkers, though? I have NO problem shooting them dirty looks until they knock it off. Or even approaching them directly and telling them to knock it off. They might evade and say I misinterpreted them, but they leave me alone afterward, which is all I really care about.
Um, “very few guys get pissed and even fewer persist” should be the other way around: very few guys persist, and even fewer get pissed.
It’s the end of the day; I’m tired. 😛
Kelly Turner: One of my boyfriends had 4 older sisters, and they had thought they were done when he came along. I think they thought they were having another girl, because his name was Kelly Shannon. I love Kelly for either sex. My maiden name happens to be Turner (which is why I named my son that), and when I was little I desperately wanted to change my name to Kelly, so I would have had your name.
With lurkers: I would say in a loud voice, easily heard throughout the gym, “STOP LOOKING AT ME, AND BACK OFF.” Even if they deny it, this will embarrass them. It will also win you sympathizers from others working out. If even this doesn’t suffice, go tell someone on the staff. Even if they can’t or won’t remove the person, they shoiuld know. And if you do leave a gym because of a lurker, you should tell the owners why you intend to join another gym. Do not ignore it.
What a sick society we live in that we think we have to wear an i-pod or pretend not to hear someone. Since when is just being kind the wrong thing to do? I don’t think I’ve ever been cold to someone right off the bat “just in case” he might try to stalk me!! Is that all the better our social skills are? Give a guy a chance before being so judgemental. THEN you can walk away or return a blunt but truthful comment if he is too forward or “lurky”. Yes, be safe. And wedding rings don’t mean a thing to a “hitter.” Look how many people are unfaithful. And the creeps know it. I love how friendly the men are at my gym, which I think might be the gym this article was written about. I am the one usually stirring up the conversation. Do you suppose THEY think I’m trying to hit on THEM?–not. I’m happily married with a bunch of kids. I’m just friendly and confident. Not vunerable.
I heard about a study that came out a few months ago. It’s official: men don’t know when women are being friendly or coming on to them. (Someone got grant money to study that?)
I once complimented a man on his wedding ring — it really was a beautiful, intricately worked design — and he thought I was making an advance. Oi vey Maria!
I guess I’m not as worried about being “nice” as many of the commenters. I don’t feel responsible for someone else’s feelings; I don’t think I “owe” a gentle letdown to someone who approaches me when I’m minding my own business.
It’s a fact of our society that some men pose a grave threat to women’s safety. A man who refuses to understand that – such as by approaching a woman who is alone and ignoring her response – is at best insensitive and at worst one of the jerks to be wary of.
I believe that most men are good, kind, honorable people. The problem is, you can’t tell that just by looking at them or speaking for five minutes. The stakes are too high for a woman to ignore what her instincts – whether they’re correct or not – are telling her. So I am a lot more concerned with my safety and well being than whether someone gets a bruised ego.
Recess: you are so right. The funny thing was I never realized the role reversal until you pointed it out. I’ll never forget going to a (gay) bar in Cleveland and some dude that looked like he could kick my ass offered to buy me a drink… I didn’t feel that it was wise to refuse. Luckily I was with my girlfriend, so I could respond ‘Ok, if you buy one for my girlfriend’. Still, it was a strange feeling. Yes, he bought us both drinks.
In general, gay guys are nicer than straight guys, though. I’d hate to be hit on by most straight guys.
And that’s my contribution to this post: the observation that most men don’t know how to treat women well, and unwanted advances should be treated as such. Unfortunately, poor behavior is often encouraged by other males of the species. Don’t tolerate it.
I’m lucky to have a diverse, low-key gym. People are working out in religious garb, and work clothes. Relatively low amounts of creepiness and uncontrolled testosterone. I like it.
Ahhh….This post brought me out of lurkdom. In fact I’ve never posted a comment anywhere before so here goes….I generally avoid male attention by not making any eye contact. I’ve found it doesn’t even have to be direct for someone to think it’s an invitation to kick up a convo. Because of this I’ve been referred to as an Itchbay. Well if avoiding all eye contact so I can stick the matter at hand, which is my workout, makes one an itchbay, then I guess I’m one big Itchbay.
I did try the friendly route once. I returned a smile and a greeting and the next thing I knew I had a stalker on my hands. Mgmt had to ban said stalker from the gym. I know all guys aren’t creeps like that. But it only takes something like that happening once to make you never flash your pearly whites again.
What I really could relate to are the Lurkers Stephanie mentioned. CREEPY. Every gym has them, some are just more obvious about it. Which then really makes it creepy. They don’t even care if you notice and give them mean Itchbay looks. I’ve had to stop and change my workout on more than one occasion. Today at the gym I was on High Alert. You know being Halloween and all;)
First time commentator here….
This is a situation I have dealt with everyday since joining the military in 2002. I USED to be a very friendly person, who gave all my male friends hugs….until their friends also started expecting hugs and some would get a little too touchy. So I stopped. I used to assume that being nice was just the way to be (born and raised Minnesota here), but it turns out that being nice meant you wanted a guy. Oh, I could tell a thousand stories. Just this past year, I found out that I was determined to be a lesbian, because I had not slept with anyone within my command. Boy, that was a shocker. In my world, a female is considered either a lesbian or a ho, and there is no in between.
Now, I am on a base in Iraq where the female population is extremely low. Just the first day, I could feel a thousand eyes staring at me everywhere I went. Ok guys, please do look if it makes you feel better. But, a stranger striking up a conversation does make me feel uncomfortable 9 times out of 10. I try not to do too much without a friend attached to my side. I’d like to get a “deck” built onto my living area, but I fear that asking a guy to do so would invite him to think I will repay him by sleeping with him.
I try not to act cold because you never know who could turn out to be a good asset to have in the circle of friends. Instead, I have chosen to act overly confident. I hope that the image I project is one not to be messed with. Oh, I also talk about my boyfriend NON stop and make a habit of flashing his picture in my wallet.
No woman deserves to be raped, no matter what she does or how much she has had to drink or her choice in companions. This is unfortunately another struggle in the military, specifically within the barracks. Combining the comfort of “home” with a constantly rotating population makes for difficult situations.
Great post, Charlotte.
Great post and great comments.
I am NOT at the gym to socialize. I have no interest in meeting a guy there because then I’m going to probably have to see him again and feel obligated to have another conversation with him. I like to get in and get out. No conversations. even with people I know. I guess I’m completely anti social but my workout time is precious to me!!
I wear my iPod and usually no one bothers me.
What I hate is guys pushing me off a machine when I’m clearly still using it! No I don’t want to work in with you!!!
Man, I sound like a b*t*h. I really am a nice person I just like to be left alone at the gym. 🙂 Sounds like everyone is pretty much with me. I just don’t think of it as as social place. Maybe I go to the wrong gyms.
I just envy all those of you who have men coming onto them at the gym. Or anywhere. It’s like supermodels complaining they can’t get a date because they intimidate men. Yeah, life is rough.
And yet another good reason to wear weight gloves to cover my ring. Getting hit on at the gym is like getting carded at the club. Maybe more men would hit on me if I stopped wearing my black belt while working out. I’m not sure if it makes me intimidating or just too nerdy to hit on. Choices, choices.
This is one of the reasons why i don’t join co-ed gyms because it’s makes me uncomfortable being around the opposite gender and not wanting further advances. Truly i’m not there for dating i’m there to workout. I mean that is what a gym is for.