Body Confidence: What Not To Do


“You’re prettier but she’s way sexier.” Thus started one of the worst back-handed compliments I’ve ever received. “She just knows how to use what she’s got. You’re… kinda spastic.”

The speaker was Shane, my rakishly handsome neighbor my freshman year of college. My roommates and I all had massive crushes on him which he both knew and used to his advantage. Two of my roommates were quickly out of the game, one by her own volition (she claimed she was playing hard to get but it came across as just not playing) and one was summarily dismissed when it was discovered she was running from the law. That left my roommate Becky and I to vie pathetically for his affections.

For reasons I can only now attribute to a lackadaisical attitude towards school and an overconfidence in his parents’ ability to take care of him the rest of his life (what a winner!), he was constantly over at our apartment. And his favorite game was wrestling. Preferably both of us at the same time. You have no idea how embarrassed I am to have just typed that so please forgive my idiocy and remember I was young – I was on campus part-time at 15, full-time at 17. Young girls do stupid things. Girls Gone Wild is a billion dollar industry based on that one fact. Not that what I did was Girls Gone Wild worthy. Wow, I’m just digging this hole deeper and deeper. Anyhow.

It was during one of these epic wrestling matches that he decided to lay that bit of wisdom on me. My face burned red and I knew I’d lost to the less-pretty but more-sexy Becky. Sure enough he was soon sampling all the flavors of her Lip Smackers – Dr. Pepper was the clear winner – and I was relegated to pretending not to hear despite the fact that Becky and I shared a room.

But Shane quickly learned that Becky, being more of a buffet fan than a single entree girl, was really more interested in the touchdown than the after party (10 yard penalty for the mixed metahpor!). Becky moved on to other more evasive men and he and I remained friends. In fact, when I had a pus-filled infected wound on my finger from – no joke – scraping it on a jagged corner of a formica desk, he was the one who volunteered to drain it for me and then hugged me while I cried for 10 minutes because it hurt. (Seriously – one of the most painful stupid injuries I’ve ever had! And I’ve had a lot them.)

One evening we were watching late night infomercials together after we’d both returned home early from bad dates when I asked him to explain. He was brutally honest. “You have no sense of self, no confidence. You have a great body but no idea how to use it. You trip. You flail. When you try and act sexy, it’s almost comical but in a painful way. You even hug self-consciously.”

“I what?!?”

“I don’t know how you do it but you do.”

This was the memory that came back to me after reading the Fabulous Body Poll and Leslie’s Take on it. The commenters were going back and forth about whether the men in the poll were lying through their British teeth when they said they most liked a “size 12” (size 8 US) woman and yet voted for bombshell Kelly Brooke (the only size 12 thing about her are her boobs) as their ideal woman. And then one of her commenters, whom we also see ’round these parts, Tokaiangel (hi girl!!) wrote: “I honestly think confidence is more important than any of it.” And after my experience with Shane I have to agree.

Since body confidence comes from trusting and loving your body, it would make sense that I had none of it. Especially at that time in my life. I was geeky and weird. Way too transparent. Intellectually smart but dumb in common sense. So how does one get it if you are not born with it? If I were awesome, I’d do like Cranky Fitness says, and come up with an inspiring bulleted list – with a picture of someone jumping! – of five easy steps to loving the skin your in. Wait, I think I just quoted a commercial too! Do I get bonus points for that Cranky?

But the truth is I still don’t know. I was discussing my obssession with those STUPID 10 POUNDS with my therapist the other day when she made an interesting point. She asked, “Why do those 10 pounds matter to you? Losing 10 pounds puts your BMI into the unhealthy range. Why would you want that?”

I answered, “Because people like me better when I’m that skinny. I get more compliments. People are nicer to me. People trust me more. I swear I even get more Google hits on those days.”

She shot back, “Maybe it’s because you’re more confident and other people pick up on it. Maybe it has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you feel about yourself.”

The light went on.

So now I need to figure out a way, besides losing weight, to feel confident in myself. I’ve made a good start with aging – amazing what getting older can do – and also dancing, kick boxing, and running but I’m not there yet. Help me out – how have you learned to love your body? Bonus points for photoshopped aspirational pics.

30 Comments

  1. Quote:
    “I honestly think confidence is more important than any of it.”

    As a man, I agree. A woman who values and respects herself definitely comes across as somebody who is worthy of value and respect.

    Respect yourself, ad others will respect you.

    Best wishes.

  2. “Your body is the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.”
    -Wear Sunscreen 🙂

    Believe it or not, gaining weight might make you feel sexier (not like I’d ever suggest such a thing.) I gained the Freshmen Fifteen during my first year of college, hell – I gained it in the first 8 months. But now I have breasts! And extra buttage! (When I was anorexic I was called “shovel ass” by a good friend of mine, dubbed because my pants sunk in the place my butt should have been.)

    Gaining weight was scary, and sometimes I fight it like the plague, but on the whole I feel like more of a person… a sexy person. When I dance, I shake all of it. Because even girls with a BMI in the unhealthy range still jiggle a little.

    Part of me want to recommend masturation or porns or something, but you might just get a wicked case of PTSD. 😉

    Maybe you should try and be less brain, more body. What makes you feel sexy? Recall memories where you felt sexy, and wear them and nothing else.

  3. Why are you reverting confidence to “body confidence” (whatever that is)? And why do you have to go around loving your body?

    A really confident
    woman is still going to hate her calves, she just knows that paired with her other traits (personality, wit, nice bodyparts, etc.), they’re no big deal. So they don’t whine about them to their partners, and their partners get to enjoy their confident girlfriend/wife.

    Confidence doesn’t come from loving yourself, confidence comes from achieving things and taking pride in your achievements. Taking a fitness class, having willpower, writing well, achieving a goal, those are all things that should fuel your confidence, and make you think that maybe you’re a little more than a walking pair of fat calves.

  4. Confidence at a higher weight? You have the EXACT same nut to crack as I do at the moment (as I see you read in my slightly more ghoulish and less entertaining post right here).

    I had a very lengthy conversation last weekend with my best friend who also suffered from anorexia on this very subject. She loves her body WAY more now she’s a normal weight, but that’s because she saw her ED as a loss of control which also involved drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity and overspending. Whereas I am more like you – my low weight symbolises for me the polar opposite – absolute control (or so it seemed/ still seems a bit now if I’m really honest) – no sex, no drugs, no rock n roll – a “safe” place for me to hide from basically a scary world full of potentially hurtful things. I called the shots 100% so I had nothing to prove anything to anymore. That feeling of security within myself was what gave me the confidence that I feel I’ve lost during recovery.

    We need to have that self-belief NOW. We need to work out what a low weight means to us, and realise that the real benefits we connect with it are not mutually exclusive. That we can have pride, confidence and a sense of strength and achievement without the (ridiculous and illogical) validation of a number on the scale.

    Easier. Said. Than. Done.

    TA x

  5. Today Im a reader not a commenter.

    Im all about learning a thing or five.
    I did in your post & in the comments already.

    M.

  6. Love the story. You told it really well!

    For me, somedays I feel great about myself and other days, I feel like crap. But for the most part, highlighting the things that I do well makes me confident. I can't be perfect in every way, but I can good at a few things.

    Also, as much as I hate to admit this, my husband makes me feel beautiful. Even on days that I know I look like crap, he makes me feel beautiful and I always remember that when we're not together —> that someone thinks that I'm wonderful no matter what anyone else says.

    I always make sure to repeat in my head, "I'm the best. I'm pretty. I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm smart." Etc.

  7. Wish I had the answer!

    Personally, I'm fine on the body confidence, but am dealing with the aging issue.

    Lots of time in the sun & unfortunate genes means I look older than I am (and WAY older than I feel).

    Avoiding mirrors unless the light is flattering is probably not the Evolved solution, but it's all I got right now.

  8. Really great post. Sounds like you have a wonderful therapist. I don’t have any advice, but your post and the comments have definintely given me something to think about…thanks!!

  9. I hate to rely on someone else to give me confidence, but my husband truly does that for me. That said, I’m with everyone else on this – just hoping to learn that one little gem that will enable me to be confident without the help of anyone else.

    I think one of the things that does make me feel confident is setting goals for myself and achieving them. I think creating a greater sense of self goes hand-in-hand with confidence…but to just “have” that confidence is a mystery to me.

  10. Thanks Jim!

    Cara – Thanks for the empathy! You make an interesting point – I don’t usually connect confidence with sexiness but the two def. go together.

    Juleske – Very interesting take! Except that, for me, no matter what I accomplish I still feel like it’s never enough. I have that whole perfectionism thing going on that I need to break.

    Tokaiangel – loved your post:) And I love you know where I’m coming from. My ED did the same thing for me that yours did.

    Girlontop – Thank you for your reminder about being moderate! Your guys sounds truly great:)

    Crabby – Thanks, girl! I’d never separated the body and aging issues.

    Colleen – I don’t know how people just “have” it either! Your husband sounds awesome!

  11. Self-acceptance? Still working on it.

    I’ve been OD’ing on episodes of How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley this past week, so my brain is aimed at self-acceptance. Instead of staring in the mirror and telling myself I hate my ass, I’ll look at the parts i like and tell myself how great they are. Or I’m be happy about some solution my great brain came up with. Etc.

    I still have bad moments (or days, or weeks), but I’m making progress.

  12. Lethological Gourmet

    I had a different kind of low self-confidence as a teenager/college-kid. I was kind of overweight (but thought I was worse than I was) and very shy. I barely talked to guys in high school. At all. I wore huge plaid shirts and t-shirts and jeans, which made me look like a big round ball, since I have an hourglass figure.

    I’ve gained more confidence now, not because I’ve lost a lot of weight (though my portion of muscle-fat is much better now), but also because I’m now wearing clothes that fit me (What Not to Wear is on my DVR) and I’ve learned how to put make-up on. But those are the external things. They definitely make it easier to be confident, but the more insubstantial things were that I found a good group of friends I enjoy hanging out with, dated a couple guys who made me feel good about myself, and I just became a more extroverted woman.

    And for some reason, just the act of crossing my legs when I sit down makes me feel sexy.

    I think that everyone has different triggers for feeling and looking sexy. But I think that feeling sexy can often translate into looking sexy, so finding what makes you feel sexy can really help.

  13. Hi Charlotte,
    I too have put back on about ten pounds and have been struggling with it for awhile. My gain placed me teetering on the edge of normal and overweight which has been even harder for me to accept. Realizing that I now actually have a rear end and buying clothing that looks good on me NOW instead of trying on my old stuff repeatedly has helped. I used to have effortless body confidence when I was even heavier. I thought I was hot stuff, others did too, and yet now that I’m still smaller and in better shape it’s a struggle. I call it my loss of innocence-pre dieting days. I wish the best for you and I know you can get there. You already do some of the right things-fitness oriented, family oriented, great writer, smart, etc. etc. You’ll be okay in the end-I have confidence.

  14. Your post was just what I needed to read this morning. A reinforcement of what I have been telling myself for years, but still can’t quite make sink in. Funny how that awkward age sticks with me – not exactly the way I wanted to keep feeling young.

    Thank you.

  15. Self-efficacy! Top dog on Maslow’s chart!

    Never forget, you are Charlotte Anderson!!

    We believe in you, and you can get it done!

  16. My, I wish I had a good piece of advise here, but I think I am struggling with the same thing. It always comes as a shock to me to get hit on when I am wearing sweat pants and no make up (don’t tell my French relatives I go out like that please…)
    I do think that building a sense of self esteem based on things other than physical beauty is probably key to not being subjected to “self-esteem mood swings” anymore.

  17. Oh this is so true. Every time I’ve attracted people to me it was due to how I was expressing myself and the confidence I portrayed; it never has anything to do with my weight or if I’m wearing make up or what I’m dressed in or anything. It is ALL about the confidence and attitude.

    I look at myself in the mirror. Naked or else wearing next to nothing. When I work out at home its in my underwear. Thus I’ve come to associate strength and hard work with how I look, and I feel so much better because I’m more comfortable with my skin and more proud of the muscle that I’ve developed. And dancing has got to be one of the best confidence boosters ever, too!

  18. Body confidence is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember and I only attempt at being sexy when I’m intoxicated because I don’t care at that point whether it looks silly or not (and I’m sure it does) =P

    Exercising definitely helps me love my body for what it can do…but it’s hard to translate that into loving my body for how it looks.

  19. I love your stories 🙂 I just don’t comment all that much…

    Part of confidence is posture–stand up straight, pull the shoulder blades back, and you should feel more confident. (and people should perceive this too…) You also look skinnier if you stand taller.

  20. YES! Dr.J said it! You ARE Charlotte Anderson woman! I don’t have an answer, but i will say that i admire you tremendously and think you are a brilliant writer! You have everything to be confident about – a wonderful family, brains,beauty…you kickass!

    Now go strut your stuff, shake yo thang, toss your hair and say “I’m Charlotte, and I get it done baby!”

  21. i’m still definitely working on it, but one thing that marginally helps is telling my inner critic to go * herself. it’s been helping me be less of a (failed) perfectionist in other ways. maybe one day it’ll help with total (or grand majority of) body confidence instead of partial.

  22. that was a classic Charlotte post – witty, insighful, laugh-out-loud, laugh-at-yourself, introspective, intelligent. You always deliver, girlfriend. And your pus description made me wince. AND the Dr. Pepper reference made me salivate.

    The time I felt most confident and sexy and free from any issues was the year after college – I was dating a guy (a great guy – it just didn’t work out) and I weighed about 150 and had nice curves but was strong and he LOVED my body and his attraction made me feel so, so confident in myself. Which is not to say my phenomenal husband, who means the world to me, doesn’t make me feel like that. But shit has happened between then and now that made me a bit more fragile…I was just free from college and soaring and had no worries at the time. I remember we would get a gallon of vanilla ice cream (lite, but still) and a tube of cookie dough and bake it until goey, then scoop it into the ice cream and hunker down and feast – with total abandon. What a time…

  23. In answer to you question about what to do to feel more confident, I play tackle football in a women’s league. And since the team was formed three years ago, I’ve come to realize what an important role sport and athletism can play in a woman’s or girl’s confidence. I used to work out and focus on calories burned, and then try and restrict what I consumed. Now I look to additional exercise to make me faster and stronger, and I eat to fuel myself.

    I think that I’m learning to appreciate my body for what it can do, and not just think of it as an immobile thing to look at (I say “learning” because it’s still an ongoing process).

    I also feel so strongly about this that I’ve started coaching childern’s football and help do recruiting at elementary schools to encourage girls to come out.

    And in passing, I now think football is the best sport in finding body acceptance… you need both the strong and stocky as well as the small and quick body types to be successful. However, I also believe that many other sports can provide the same sort of body appreciation as long as it is one that doesn’t focus on the asthetics of the body (i.e. gymnastics).

  24. In answer to you question about what to do to feel more confident, I play tackle football in a women’s league. And since the team was formed three years ago, I’ve come to realize what an important role sport and athletism can play in a woman’s or girl’s confidence. I used to work out and focus on calories burned, and then try and restrict what I consumed. Now I look to additional exercise to make me faster and stronger, and I eat to fuel myself.

    I think that I’m learning to appreciate my body for what it can do, and not just think of it as an immobile thing to look at (I say “learning” because it’s still an ongoing process).

    I also feel so strongly about this that I’ve started coaching childern’s football and help do recruiting at elementary schools to encourage girls to come out.

    And in passing, I now think football is the best sport in finding body acceptance… you need both the strong and stocky as well as the small and quick body types to be successful. However, I also believe that many other sports can provide the same sort of body appreciation as long as it is one that doesn’t focus on the asthetics of the body (i.e. gymnastics).

  25. I don’t think I’ve made peace with my body yet, but we’re at a cease fire for the time being.

    I always feel more confident after a workout. It makes me feel like I have used my body to more of its potential than my desk job requires. I think confidence comes from being comfortable in your own skin and for me knowing that I can outrun 95% of my girl friends and 75% of my guy friends makes me feel confident that my body will be there for me when I need it. Strange comparision/logic I know.

    That being said, losing 10lbs over the week leading up to and week proceeding Pemberton hasn’t hurt my self-esteem.

  26. This will likely be the least helpful answer you’ll receive to your questions – and with 26 comments, that’s saying something…

    You want to know how to feel confidence in yourself without losing 10 lbs? Just do it!

    Stop thinking negatively about yourself. Stop thinking, talking, writing, and dreaming about weight loss. Start thinking, talking, writing and dreaming about what a smart, funny, talented, loving, and intrinsicly beautiful person you are. Don’t look at your body with disdain. Instead, just use your body for it’s many divinely-designed purposes and be grateful you have the strength and ability to do so. Don’t look at other women’s bodies and immediately perform mental comparisons or judgements. Instead, look at other women’s bodies with a sense of awe and appreciation for the creator who designed them each uniquely, each with different shapes, sizes and strenghts, but all with the same purpose.

    I am a size 12 (yes, the US kind) and I have no desire nor interest in becoming even a size 8. I would not be a happier person. I do not believe I would garner any more love, respect or admiration from other people than I do today if I lost 10 lbs. At least not the genuine kind. The kind of attention I want to receive from other people (men, women, whoever) is just what you spoke of with Shane – the recognition of my confidence and my abilities. My body has nothing to do with that. And yet, my body is awesome. It’s my greatest physical possession, and it can do / has done some miraculous things. Look at your children and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

  27. I’ve been wanting to comment on this post for awhile. First to tell you, you make me laugh out loud. Second to tell you, I was equally as stupid trying my damnedest to be a fetching teenage girl. I think we all ended up with our labels. Workout Partner Pam says she was the fat funny girl (it was OK being fat, because she was funny, and therefore liked). I was told I was the kind of girl guys wanted to marry. Sounds complimentary now, but at 16 I wanted to be the girl the boys panted and lusted after. Of course, in hindsight, I’m so glad I wasn’t. I’m not sure when I got my body confidence. I think it was when I became a runner, started thinking of myself as an athlete. I have to concur it is all about confidence. I’ve always been on the svelte side, but that didn’t mean I was happy with my body. In hindsight, those feelings were such a waste. If my 18 year old self saw the body in I was in now, she wouldn’t believe I could be content with that. But I am. I feel better about my body than I ever have, despite the fact I have cottage cheese, spider veins and “twin skin.” (I look skinny, but I have this elephant skin just below my belly). Don’t care. I’ve never broken a bone, never had a chronic illness, never had surgery, and I have pushed my body in ways that have surprised my mind. My body has never failed me. I’m so grateful and because of that I honor and revere it. I can even forgive my boobs for being so small. My feet for being quite hideous. Even this bout of back acne (seriously, gross, but all I can do is shrug). My only regret is that I spent so much time as a young girl/teenager/woman stressing out over the minutiae of bodily imperfections. Now I have *real* imperfections, but they are overshadowed by the fact that I finished a triathlon last month, that I can do crow pose in yoga class, and that I did 100 (modified) pushups yesterday. What is perfect, anyway?

  28. “you’re prettier, but she’s sexier.”
    for some reason that would have strangely totally flattered me 😀
    lol

    sexy to me means a little too ordinary, too attainable. pretty gives me the connotation of being above all of that, better than sexy. argh, i’m probably not making any sense. hehe. good luck with your goals!

  29. LMAO. A very good college buddy once told me “You know, you could be sexy, but you’re not!” It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that men really have no idea how to compliment a woman. Unless they are married. Or gay. Or all of their siblings are chicks.

  30. Hey,
    story well told! 😀

    Try this:

    http://www.selfconfidence.co.uk

    (great self confidence course free of charge)

    Also, just do stuff you are good at, spend time with people who make you feel special, where what you look good in and be content with your own values.

    Oh and a role model always helps: What would that confident person I know do in this situation?

    Goodluck! 🙂