Don’t get your panties in a twist or your boxers in a bunch or your thong in a… well, since a thong’s defining characteristic is that it’s already twisted AND bunched never mind, I guess, because we are going there. We’re talking undies today.
It all started when I forgot that Wednesdays are Spin days and showed up at the gym in my running shorts – the kind with attached mini bike shorts underneath that sound really nifty in theory but in practice made me realize that there was a reason I got them for $9.99 at Marshall’s despite being labeled Adidas.
Like the good sport I am, I figured that the shorts (heretoafter referred to as the “wedgie-o-matic”) would manage and I’d still get my sweat on – low aerobically of course since I’m Primal and all that. I hopped on, tuned in to the techno and started to spin my way down the Tour de Nowhere.
I Was Wrong
About 1/3 of the way into the class I began to notice that the fatty bits at the top of my thighs, which you know how much I love, were getting very chafed. The fakie under shorts were not doing their prescribed duty and I was getting irritated. In more ways than one. As I always do in such situations, I complained to Gym Buddy Allison who suggested I take my sweat towel and put it over the seat to protect my legs.
Any reasonable soul would think “no way – I’d look stupid!” especially considering my towel is red with pink and white hearts all over it. I’m not reasonable and apparently I like looking stupid because I did it and it totally helped. Until I stood up to climb an imaginary hill, that is, and it fell on the floor.
“What do I do?” I pleaded to Allison.
“Try sticking your towel down your shorts! You know, so it comes out your legs,” she suggested helpfully and with such sincerity that it took a good 30 seconds before we both fell off our bikes laughing.
I don’t know if this is such an issue for men, never having asked any of the male Gym Buddies about what’s under their Umbros, but I know it looms large for women. “That time of the month” aside, there are many issues to consider with underwear.
1. To wear or not to wear? I am personally a fan but I do know several of the female Gym Buddies who feel supported enough by their yoga pants (and hate panty lines enough) to forgo the Victoria Secrets. But every time I’m tempted to go commando, I remember one aerobics teacher I had years ago who split her shorts doing a deep squat only to reveal that not only did she not like bikini bottoms but avoided bikini waxes as well. I’m still traumatized. And let’s not forget Workout Mommy’s nasty discovery of the bacteria that causes yeast infections on gym bike seats.
2. Fashion or function? If you do go the covered route, it best be wicking is all I can say. Whether you like the pricey “sport” underwear or are fine, like me, with plain ol’ cotton, everyone should avoid fancy underpants. I saw a girl in booty shorts once snag her lace undies while hopping off a bike seat. We will talk another day about wearing shorts so short that onlookers can see you are wearing lace undies. While you are standing.
3. Polka dots or plain? I’m of the opinion that if someone is accidentally going to get a free upskirt at my expense, say while I’m on the back extension, they might as well get their money’s worth. So I go all out with the bright colors and funny patterns. Plus it just makes me happy to know I have Felix the Cat waving from my posterior, even if I’m the only one who waves back.
4. High cut or boy cut? The style varieties are endless. You have your basic bikini cut. Your hipster. Your boy shorts. Your hi-cut. Your thong. Your brief. Your granny panty that I’m hoping none of you own. And who can forget these? I myself have several varieties from which I select depending on the activity I will be doing. I won’t elaborate but let’s just say that Hanes ought to sponsor me, I’m so familiar with their product line.
Now that I’ve (not) bared all – what’s under your shorts?
I have created an anonymous poll for you shy folk.