Public Wedgie Picking

by Charlotte on July 3, 2008 · 21 comments

You do things your way. I’ll do them mine.
Photo Credits: Web Undies

Don’t get your panties in a twist or your boxers in a bunch or your thong in a… well, since a thong’s defining characteristic is that it’s already twisted AND bunched never mind, I guess, because we are going there. We’re talking undies today.

It all started when I forgot that Wednesdays are Spin days and showed up at the gym in my running shorts – the kind with attached mini bike shorts underneath that sound really nifty in theory but in practice made me realize that there was a reason I got them for $9.99 at Marshall’s despite being labeled Adidas.

Like the good sport I am, I figured that the shorts (heretoafter referred to as the “wedgie-o-matic”) would manage and I’d still get my sweat on – low aerobically of course since I’m Primal and all that. I hopped on, tuned in to the techno and started to spin my way down the Tour de Nowhere.

I Was Wrong
About 1/3 of the way into the class I began to notice that the fatty bits at the top of my thighs, which you know how much I love, were getting very chafed. The fakie under shorts were not doing their prescribed duty and I was getting irritated. In more ways than one. As I always do in such situations, I complained to Gym Buddy Allison who suggested I take my sweat towel and put it over the seat to protect my legs.

Any reasonable soul would think “no way – I’d look stupid!” especially considering my towel is red with pink and white hearts all over it. I’m not reasonable and apparently I like looking stupid because I did it and it totally helped. Until I stood up to climb an imaginary hill, that is, and it fell on the floor.

“What do I do?” I pleaded to Allison.

“Try sticking your towel down your shorts! You know, so it comes out your legs,” she suggested helpfully and with such sincerity that it took a good 30 seconds before we both fell off our bikes laughing.

UnderWHERE?
I don’t know if this is such an issue for men, never having asked any of the male Gym Buddies about what’s under their Umbros, but I know it looms large for women. “That time of the month” aside, there are many issues to consider with underwear.

1. To wear or not to wear? I am personally a fan but I do know several of the female Gym Buddies who feel supported enough by their yoga pants (and hate panty lines enough) to forgo the Victoria Secrets. But every time I’m tempted to go commando, I remember one aerobics teacher I had years ago who split her shorts doing a deep squat only to reveal that not only did she not like bikini bottoms but avoided bikini waxes as well. I’m still traumatized. And let’s not forget Workout Mommy’s nasty discovery of the bacteria that causes yeast infections on gym bike seats.

2. Fashion or function? If you do go the covered route, it best be wicking is all I can say. Whether you like the pricey “sport” underwear or are fine, like me, with plain ol’ cotton, everyone should avoid fancy underpants. I saw a girl in booty shorts once snag her lace undies while hopping off a bike seat. We will talk another day about wearing shorts so short that onlookers can see you are wearing lace undies. While you are standing.

3. Polka dots or plain? I’m of the opinion that if someone is accidentally going to get a free upskirt at my expense, say while I’m on the back extension, they might as well get their money’s worth. So I go all out with the bright colors and funny patterns. Plus it just makes me happy to know I have Felix the Cat waving from my posterior, even if I’m the only one who waves back.

4. High cut or boy cut? The style varieties are endless. You have your basic bikini cut. Your hipster. Your boy shorts. Your hi-cut. Your thong. Your brief. Your granny panty that I’m hoping none of you own. And who can forget these? I myself have several varieties from which I select depending on the activity I will be doing. I won’t elaborate but let’s just say that Hanes ought to sponsor me, I’m so familiar with their product line.

Now that I’ve (not) bared all – what’s under your shorts?

I have created an anonymous poll for you shy folk.

{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

every gym's nightmare July 4, 2008 at 3:39 am

i used to go commando under my leotards for gymnastics. i honestly just didnt know you could wear undies under them.

anyways- i always wear undies. always. i cant not- it just doesnt feel right.

fun fact- my family calls them “undergutchies” and i was about 7 when i found out thats not what underwear is really called.

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tokaiangel July 4, 2008 at 8:10 am

Knickers every time! I would rather have VPL than X-rated camel toe thankyou.

And it’s a proven fact that I can’t run anything like as well unless I have Snoopy on my bum.

In fact, he’s on my bum right now! *Hi Snoopy! Ready to burn up the treadmill? Woo let’s GO!*

TA x

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MizFit July 4, 2008 at 11:13 am

whatever is ATTACHED.
I am all about my nike trail shorts and their accompanying liners.

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Colleen July 4, 2008 at 11:38 am

Thongs please! With this booty, anything I wear is gonna end up in the same place, might as well make it easy on myself. :)

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Crabby McSlacker July 4, 2008 at 11:50 am

I’m one of those “decide once and forget about it the rest of your life” types. So there’s a particular brand of jockey underwear, all cotton, comes in 3-packs or a Tube that I’ve been getting for like the last 20 years. Every now and then I forget the style name (I think it’s Elance bikini), and I go to an outlet place and come back with 9 pair of underwear that are Humongous and end up being recycled as cleaning rags. For some reason, the sizes on the different styles are totally inconsistent.

Nothin’ fancy over (under) here I’m afraid!

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IzzyBeth July 4, 2008 at 1:05 pm

“one aerobics teacher I had years ago who split her shorts doing a deep squat only to reveal that not only did she not like bikini bottoms but avoided bikini waxes as well.”

Oh my word – THAT IS HYSTERICAL!!!

As for undies – I have been wearing hipsters – the only time I feel comfortable going commando is at night, in my own bed. :-)

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Anonymous July 4, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Ha Ha!! Great post!!

I do the boys version on Crabby’s style. Lots of colors, but cotton and simple. I do have some painful stories, however, not to be told today :-)

Dr. J

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the Bag Lady July 4, 2008 at 2:14 pm

Well, now, what’s your best guess as to what the Bag Lady would wear?! The little kid who told her she “looked like a grandma” one fine day in Walmart did get part of it right!!!! :)

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Godiva girl July 4, 2008 at 2:19 pm

I must be Colleen’s sister…

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Sagan Morrow July 4, 2008 at 2:50 pm

For exercising, I’m all about the boy shorts with cute patterns and sayings splashed across them. They’re SO comfy… recently I was wearing a too-short skirt on a windy day so I was telling my mum about how a whole lotta cars must’ve seen my underwear, and her only response was, “oh, I hope you were wearing cute underwear then!”. That’s pretty much my mentality too:)

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azusmom July 4, 2008 at 4:56 pm

I wear the undies. I’m with tokaiangel; vpl is WAY better than camel toe!

When I ride my bike or go spinning, I wear padded liners from REI. Underwear with padding! How much better can it get?

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T July 4, 2008 at 5:27 pm

my posterior is way too large to be wearing a thong while working out – my butt needs support, thankyouverymuch. that being said, i’ve lately been addicted to cute little boyshorts from aerie by american eagle (that look like little boys’ undies by the styling).

i don’t worry so much about panty lines as i wear under armour spandex shorts under my regular shorts anyway. helps with thigh rub.

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SeaBreeze July 4, 2008 at 6:12 pm

I love my boy shorts, but not for the gym. For the gym I am all about the thongy because otherwise the VPL is obnoxious in my Lululemons (and knock-offs)

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workout mommy July 5, 2008 at 2:28 am

I’m also a big fan of the attached undies–either in my running shorts or skirt.

now that i know what is lurking on the machines, i will never dare go commando!

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apyknowzitall July 6, 2008 at 4:21 am

Yeah I feel really bad for you and your “fatty bits”:) When I have a good 3 inch handle going on. Sigh… Why don’t you do a blip for me on running shoes if you haven’t done it already. I’m going to buy some new ones on Monday to get in gear.

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Stephanie Quilao July 6, 2008 at 4:33 am

Okay this probably falls into the TMI category but I either go commando or get shorts that have built-ins. I can’t wear underwear when I work out because they make me feel too constricted. Things are the worst. I don’t do the bike because I have a mental thing that says “sitting does not equal working out.” Yeah, yeah, I know a bike is good cardio too but not in my brain. Not saying it’s right, just admitting to one of my own biases. I have to run, elliptical, stair, kick or rumba. I have to stand. If I do a class I always wear black legging thingies as to avoid the flasher situation like with your instructor.

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Fit Bottomed Girls July 6, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Low-rise hipsters…I’m too shy to go commando and have never been able to get used to a thong.

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Quix July 8, 2008 at 7:27 pm

Commando when working out at home, tighty whiteys (or blue-ys or red-ys, but regular ol underwears). When I am not sweating, I like the cuter boy shortsy ones. ;)

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Allie July 9, 2008 at 10:48 pm

I didn’t admit to this is the anonymous poll… I have one pair of workout pants that I go commando in. Otherwise it’s plain cotton undies, some white, and some striped.

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Anonymous March 6, 2009 at 6:04 pm

OMG! One day after spin class I thought I felt a draft in the back of my black cotton tights. After a quick hand check, I had to investigate further. I was devastated when I looked in the mirror! Realizing the walk from spin class to the gym’s locker room may have turned a few heads, I just wanted to DIE. Yikes!

That’s not the kind of attention I crave. Eeeeghads!!! My walk of shame caused me to go straight to the department store for some black cotton panties in case it ever happened again. Months later, I grew tired of the funky shape my full coverage briefs gave my backside and switched to black thongs under the black tights. Well…guess what. It happened again last night. Let me just say that the thong didn’t cover the flesh that my blowout exposed from the front row during the end of spin-class when the instructor has us stretch. We raise our derrières high behind our seats and lower our shoulders, extending our hands forward… (basically displaying in the face of the bicyclist behind us a sweaty bum). Humiliating. Of course I didn’t know until I got home this time! All I can do is hope that it was dark enough in spin class to hide my wardrobe malfunction.

Today I am going back to the department store, but this time for a few pairs of boy briefs sporting inspiring cartoons. If I had two blow outs (different pairs of tights of course), there is a good reason to believe I will eventually have three or more. I might as well have something like stars and stripes to be remembered for, rather than a snowy white booty.

Perhaps getting dressed for my workouts will now have an extra air of fun (no pun intended) to pep me up for an exciting class. I hope I can find some Super Hero Under-oos in size 10!

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Villamor family December 10, 2009 at 2:17 pm

i wear undies but still get the camel toe…how do you get rid of that????

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