Has nothing to do with her looks. And yet we insist on greeting each other with the passive aggressive “Hi! You look great!! Have you lost weight?!?” This phenomenon has been documented by writers of greater insight and humor than myself, so we will acknowledge the lameness of this anti-compliment and move right on to what to do instead.
The Problem
There are two problems with the “you look fab” method of greeting. One is that it is used so often as to be hopelessly generic and insincere. Two is that it reduces someone to the part of them they have the least control over.
I’m Hot, You’re Hot, We’re All Hot
Occasionally people use this remark sincerely. Like you grandmother. You should always believe your grandmother when she tells you that you look lovely. Or your mom. We mothers carried you for 10 (that’s right, do the math) months and deserve to think we made the most beautiful creation on God’s green earth. From everyone else though this “compliment” generally comes across as anything but. Especially so if we just heard you great the person before us in this exact same way. Or if we’re wearing our PMS sweats and have a huge zit. We all know that we don’t look fabulous, feisty and thin all the time so please save this compliment for when you really do mean it.
And that’s the rub. We all love to hear we look fabulous. And sometimes we really do! But it’s like frosting shots – every day just makes us sick. You gotta spread out the love. Save it for a special occasion.
If you want to up the sincere factor, don’t just say, “You look great!” Tell us what exactly it is that caught your eye. Something like “I love your jewelry” or “your skin glows like a thousand splendid suns – but not the book because while that book was awesome it was kind of gritty and so totally not like your skin.”
Last tip: no squealing while complimenting unless you are 13 and O.D. on Gossip Girls, in which case you probably know no other means of communication and thereby get a pass. And maybe a telethon. What? Someone has to help these teens.
We Are All So Much More Than Hot
Once you’ve mastered the sincere looks compliment, you are advanced enough to move up to a real compliment. See, I get that in our society, a woman’s looks are often considered her ultimate achievement but save for Jocelyn Wildenstein most of us do not have an active part in how we spun out in the genetic lottery.
I know that some of you will say “but I exercise! I eat right! I work darn hard to look this awesome!” To which I say, of course you do, girl!! And that is why I will compliment you on your strength gained from your unflinching dedication to the ‘bells or your intelligence which you showcase by being able to make cocktail party chatter about the latest nutrition research or even you’re fortitude and character for being able to stick with something that is not fun all the time but is good for your health. Those are all traits you have honed through your hard work. Nobody gave that to you. And that is compliment worthy!
Other things worth complimenting are everything from the very specific: “That contralto solo you sang in 8th grade choir still gives me chills remembering it.” to the very broad: “I appreciate your meticulous honesty.” Even if you don’t know someone very well, surely you know something about them – and if you don’t, just ask! It takes a little more work to find something of the non-physical variety to compliment but it’s worth the effort because not only will it make you see your friends and acquaintances in a much more appreciative light but they will always remember it (unless you are creepy about it but that’s a whole ‘nother post). And not only will they remember the compliment, they will remember you with the same feeling the compliment gave them. Everybody wins!
My Fave Compliments:
I keep a gratitude journal and so when someone tells me something that really makes me glow inside, I make sure to write it down. (When someone tells me something truly awful about myself, I make sure to write it on paper, tie it around a brick, light it on fire and throw it through their window.) Here are a few that make me light up like a mercury filled CFCS bulb:
My Husband: How do you read so fast and still remember everything?
My Second Grade Teacher, Mr. Manley: You have an indomitable soul.
Gym Buddy Mike: Your back has such great muscle definition you could make a topographical map out of it!
My Son: You smell like love.
My Mom: You are beautiful.
So, your assignment is to leave me a comment with YOUR favorite compliment that someone has given you. If you need ideas, see below.
Compliments For You (in no particular order):
Let me preface this by saying that I really wanted to do this but am nervous that I might offend by either leaving off somebody or giving someone a compliment that they don’t find, well, complimentary. I’m going to take a gamble and do it anyhow. Because you guys mean so much to me. And because giving compliments makes me feel even better than getting them!
Gym Buddy Allison: There isn’t enough room to say all the great things about you. You are so willing to try anything I throw your way. You are kind to a fault. You are a great mom. You are the best friend a girl could ask for!
MizFit: You are the great unifier. You know and care about every blogger that crosses your path.
Leslie: You have an ability to write about touchy subjects with such warmth and sensitivity that everyone ends up feeling less alone.
Crabby: You manage to be humorous and vulnerable at the same time. Not easy!
Tokaiangel: I love your unflinching honesty.
Merry: Your dedication to finding the obscure is admirable.
Gena: Smart + Scientist + Girl = Every girl’s role model
GodivaGirl: Always positive, you:)
Gemfit: I love that you love twirly summer dresses too. Apparently we’re both 5 at heart.
Robin: You are so willing to share the struggles as well as the success.
Dr. J: A doctor whose wisdom is overshadowed only by his kindness.
Lethological Gourmet/Reader: Always insightful, always adds to the discussion. No fluff comments from you!
Judy: So willing to cheer everybody on.
Alice: Ascerbic wit.
Allie: Loyal as the day is long. Great with secrets. Very open minded.
Sagan: Always up for trying something new!
Gretchen: Fortitude. You never give up. You just keep trying until you find what works.
Jenn: Great with alternatives.
Azusmom: Gentle with everyone, even herself and that may be the best accomplishment of all!
Dislyxec: Lovely wit.
Illuminati: Nobody makes me snort milk out my nose like you do.
Kirez: Possibly the smartest human being I’ve ever met.
Andrew: Dedicated. Mile after mile. Never lets anything set him back!
Seabreeze: Always has a smile – although we only see the emoticon version, I’m sure the real one is just as often!
GeekGirl: I heart geeks. I am one. You are a running rockstar.
DarLee: Adaptable and resilient. You take everything that comes your way and just keep rolling.
TurboJennie: Strong, buff, tough. Take no prisoners attitude. And the never ending smile, no matter how your day has gone.
AT22: Always up for any experiment! Love your strength and your motivation.
Lucas: Somehow you always know the exact right thing to say to me. I suspect you are like this with everyone in your life.
KellyT: You are one funny chick. And I love that you take crap from no one.
Stephanie Quilao: Your willingness to put yourself out there. Your business savvy. Your care.
Laura: Smart. A prolific reader. An educated writer. Astute observer.
Fitarella: Energy for days!!!!
Kara: Manages to balance writing and mommyhood. Someday I will learn from you!
Cara: Great big soul and so willing to share it – both the good times and the bad.
Lisa: Always looks for the best in others.
Shellie: Great mom, informed about everything. The master of delayed gratification.
HungryWaif: Puts 100% into everything she does.
KatieO: Funny, mom of 3 boys, great writer – what’s not to love?
First of all, great post! Specific compliments are tons more sincere than generic ones.
Second, 40 weeks = 9 months. Everybody says there are 4 weeks in a month, but there are 4 weeks and 2 or 3 days in a month (only February has 4 * 7 = 28 days).
Take the extra 2-3 days in 9 months and you have an extra 18-27 days (24, on average). Which is almost 4 weeks. So, 9 * 4 = 36 + 4 = 40 = 9 months.
The wife still doesn’t believe this is true, by the way…
That was such a kind, thoughtful thing to do, Charlotte. In fact, I shall reframe that into the compliment it ought to be: You are such a kind, thoughtul person. Thankyou.
I’m actually really surprised that since I’ve started blogging people have commented on my honesty and the fact that I’m “unapologetic” (I LOVED that). I’ve never really thought about myself that way, but I really like it.
Although I’m going to be slightly shallow and confess that my favourite compliment came from my Ultimate Rock Idol – I managed to talk my way band’s UK tour dates and he came up to me after I’d played and told me how talented I was. Was THAT a Moment. It makes me all melty just thinking about it.
TA x
first? I wanna kiss you full on the mouth because you know who Jocelyn Wildenstein is.
Ive ended friendships over less 😉
and THANK YOU. that’s what Id want told to me if I COULD chose.
proteinkisses and pottytraining dreams.
M.
Your writing is witty, intelligent, and moves people to take some action (even if it is just thinking). I’ll definitely be thinking a little more about what I say to people.
I think you made the day for all of your loyal readers 🙂 Thank you!
Wow, what a wonderful post and such a generous thing to do!
(Thanks for seeing the vulnerability within and not being too distracted by the Crab’s hard shell).
I don’t remember the specific words, but some of the most powerful, self-esteem building compliments came from teachers when I was a shy, neurotic elementary school student. Somehow these powerful adults saw things that I hadn’t seen in myself and it really helped me get over (some) of my self-consciousness and anxiety.
And can I just say that your writing continues to amaze me? Somehow you are clever, informative, touching, and funny as hell every single day–I am in awe.
Charlotte, you’re awesome! It’s your honesty and kindness that keep me coming back everyday. That and you are just crazy enough for me!
My best compliment ever was when my boss told me I could do his job, and do it better.
M! The first comment and I forgot to put you on my list. So here it is: you have one of the sharpest analytical minds I know and somehow you manage to still be a riot at parties. (And your math? I do it this way: 42 weeks X 7 days = 294 days. 294/30 = 9.8. I take that 8/10 and round to 10. Ta-DA!)
Charlotte!! That was beautiful!
I’ve been very fortunate to have received some wonderful compliments from patients and colleagues. I can’t bring myself to say them. I can only try to be worthy of them.
Charlotte – what a lovely post. It brought tears to my eyes. You are so passionate and caring. From the minute I contacted you, you have been warm and friendly and have treated me like I’ve been part of your blog family forever. Thank you.
One compliment that comes to mind was from several years ago. Before I was a SAHM, I was a store manager for a large, upscale furniture store. I am a very shy person, so you can imagine that sometimes this was hard for me. One time at a managers’ conference, we had a round table discussion with random managers from other parts of the country. After the meeting the fascilitator (who was a district manager other than my own) told my district manager, “I just love Robin. She’s so quiet and observant. She just sits back and takes everything in. Then, when she speaks, she says something amazing!” It really meant a lot to me because someone saw value in something that I saw as a weakness. (sorry so long.)
Thank you, Charlotte! I think that so many of us in this life spend time complaining about things, and while there’s a place for that, I think sometimes people forget to recognize and appreciate the good things we have. Thank you for appreciating us in your own beautifully written way!
A couple months ago I did a spreadsheet analysis for my boss (I went a little overboard, it had something like 15 worksheets in it) and he told me it was my finest work ever. Woohoo!
I’ve been out of commission for a while (work-related) and I just got back from a week spent visiting my parents, so I haven’t been able to comment lately. I think this is a wonderful post!
My Dad told me the other day that I’m one of the kindest, most sincere people he knows. That brought tears to my eyes, because those very traits make him a hero in my heart.
I just wrote about something similar but your post blosws mine out of the water. What a wonderful, thoughtful post. The fact that you took time to individually compliment each of us, and in such a genuine way, speaks volumes about you – more tha I could ever fit into this comment box. Giving compliments IS great for the soul and totally contagious. I’m going on a rampage today. You are to thank 🙂
xooxxo I’m so glad to have you in my e-life!
My ex, as I was breaking up with him and listing everything that was wrong with him, stopped me to tell me what a gorgeous creature I was, with the most decent soul he’s ever encountered. He always was good with his timing.
Ah, also, my granddad would only let me make his tea, no one else did it as hot and strong as he liked.
This inside vs. outside debate seems to be a common theme in the blogosphere of late. I think we’d be more comfortable with our outsides if our insides were allowed carry some weight.
Awwww! Charlotte! That was such a nice thing to do. Compliments (true, heart felt compliments) seem to make people want to reach out and become better people. I am really touched by your compliment.
I personally am amazed by how open you are with your experiments. You are honest about the results and honest about yourself. That’s really refreshing and I find it is extremely helpful, encouraging and uplifting to interact with people who are honest, people like you miss!
Recently a coworker told me I had inspired her to workout by my own diligence. I about fell off my chair and felt completely unworthy of the compliment. Though I know one can lead by example, I never thought I might be that person… It was very moving for me.
M,
A pregnancy is 38 weeks from the date of conception. I am not going to go pennies and dimes on this, it’s 9 1/2 months. And if you dare say different… oh, I dare you…
both you and leslie did awesome posts on this subject. i am in awe.
best non-physical compliment i received was probably in college. i worked for the student radio station on the sports staff and, starting sophomore year, really started working the hockey games. the men’s team practiced right before we did, so i’d often get there early to watch some.
anyway, one of the seniors on staff, halfway through the season, once told me, “you’re the peter gammons of bu hockey.” at the time i wasn’t sure how to take it, but after being told that gammons is THE baseball guru for espn, it made me proud. 🙂
You are so sweet!
And how much do I especially love THIS: “When someone tells me something truly awful about myself, I make sure to write it on paper, tie it around a brick, light it on fire and throw it through their window”!
And you’re absolutely right; compliments are great and its nice to be told that we’re hot/smart/strong etc but if they’re not sincere (or if they’re generic/vague) then that really defeats the purpose. You have such a knack for seeing these things- I really admire your insights. It always sets off some great thought processes and discussion!
I am humbled for being mentioned in such a great list. I have hundreds of blogs in my reader. I save The Great Fitness Experiment for last every time because I always know it will be entertaining, funny, informative, and will leave end my day on high note.
I also feel good that I can make someone laugh milk out of their nose. Maybe I missed my calling and should be working with the lactose intolerant.
A discussion for another time.
Charlotte, you made my morning. Actually, your blog makes me smile most mornings, but today you’ve inspired me to return the favor to those around me.
Compliments are all too often insincere and I believe the advice you laid out today can be leveraged by everyone. The best compliment I ever received was from my brother who has sever anaphalaxis “If you tell me I can eat something I know its true. I second guess everyone, except you and mom. I know you guys are the reason I lived this long.” It actually made me cry.
Are you saying my soul looks fat?!?!?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *squeals* Just kidding. Much love. Thanks for the shout out. 🙂
Wow, typing is really hard after you’ve just melted into a puddle of warm ,happy gooey-ness on the floor.
Thank you, Charlotte! That is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me!!!!!!!
And I am always astounded at your wit, humor, and unflinching honesty, which are always combined with your warmth and incredible sweetness. It’s why I look forward to reading your blog every day.
(As far as how long pregnancy actually lasts? By the time you get to the middle of the third trimester, it’s too damn long!!!!)
My favorite compliment goes along the theme of inspiration for another. I was putting in a 3 hour day at the gym. Huffing and puffing. I took a moment to pause, because I hear its a good thing to catch one’s breath and let the body rest for a sec of two. At that moment, a middle age couple walked up and the lady asked, “Are you training for something special? Because I don’t see anyone else working as hard as you do.” Before I had a chance to reply she went further and said, “You give us inspiration to continue our routine..just when my husband and I think we can’t go another lap, we see you huffing up those stairs, finish, then go on to do some other exercise. If you can keep going, so can we.” I was floored that someone took the time to see the things around them and go out of their way to tell someone what they thought.
Gym Buddy Mike
Oh, I agree with everyone here on what they say about your writing style, and you as a person. It’s a rarity to see someone who’s body language matches what shows on the inside. You’re always so genuine, sincere and just so darn friendly that I always pinch myself and say “wow she does exist”.
Gym Buddy Mike
I love this post. I think we so often notice positive things in other people and don’t tell them. Specific compliments go a long way.
The other day in my boot camp class one participant said to another, “Your legs look like a twenty year olds!” Both participants are in their forties!
The compliments I value most have to do with my relationships. Hearing from a friend how much they cherish our friendship is as good as it gets!
What about this one:
“You have the most beautiful elbows I’ve ever seen.”
😉
Wow, I feel almost famous!
Random acts of kindness, yep the world would be a better place.
Those compliments are sweet enough to gag on 🙂
LOVE your post (and LOVE LOVE LOVE twirly dresses – they’re the best kind and yes, I am 5!)
Two compliments that stand out for me:
1. My BFF (again, yes, I’m 5) told me that she loved my bravery and strength in making a decision to move across the world and sticking to it.
2. My SIL (kinda) told me that, even though she has 3 sisters, I showed her what real sisterly love was. (She has a f-up relationship with her family.)
Both compliments came the day before I left the country and made me cry. They’re both from such strong women that I can’t believe they think I’m strong.
Thank you for this post. I only wish I’d read it earlier and used the ray of sunshine it created to get me through the day.
Aw, shucks, Charlotte, thanks! I always joke that i know I’m a geek, I’m just working on making geekiness cool. And you’re already there, girlfriend!
I’m always flattered when my friends come to me for fitness advice, even if they don’t make a verbal compliment, the action makes me feel that they respect my advice and hard work. And I’m always happy to supports them!
And since I run with the same bunch ‘o folks every Sunday, any time someone comments that I’m looking strong while I’m running, I take it as a sincere compliment and it boosts my morning.
Aren’t you just the sweetest thing Miss Charlotte! Thank you for a beautiful post!
Every day when I read this blog I get insight and perspective into something new. But I did not expect a warm fuzzy today! Sincere and specific compliments really are a beautiful gift. Thank you, Charlotte.
I remember in high school I had a teacher who made everyone get out a piece of paper and put their name at the top. Then we all passed to the right and had to put one sincere, specific, positive comment about the person whose name was at the top of the paper. Papers went all the way around the room and came back to the owner.
I know there is so much potential for disaster with an exercise like this, but thankfully it didn’t happen. I kept my paper for over a decade and I know a couple other people who held onto theirs for years as well. It had a profound impact on me. Sometimes the little kindnesses make all the difference.
Thanks, Charlotte! Sincere compliments are few and far between, and, to me, the really really good ones make you proud and determined to do better at the same time. Yours did that for me.
And I’ll join in the love-fest by saying that reading your writing is a daily highlight for me. I think it’s a testament to your skill and your heart that I fall pretty squarely outside of your main demographic (single male carnivore who loves the testosterone rush of moving heavy stuff), but I always look forward to reading your articles and every one gets me thinking, teaches me something new and/or inspires me.
thank you dear Charlotte.
I HEART you xoxo
I am walking around the house this morning all full of myself! How great to start the day out with a compliment. What a gift–thank you! Can I kiss you full on the mouth, too?
One of the nicest guys I know once said to me, “You know, I never really knew what being a friend was until you. Now, when someone I know gets sick or something, I ask myself ‘What would Lucas do?’.”
To have someone so sincere and so nice tell me that I taught them how to be a better friend by example was just such a lovely thing to hear.
Great post! Thanks!
I just saw this, because we just got our internet back late last night after Hurricane Dolly, so I haven’t read all the comments. But this was one of the best, nicest, most thoughtful posts I’ve ever read!
The best compliment I can ever remember getting came just recently, about a month ago, on my 30th birthday. I was feeling bad about turning 30. My husband was talking to a former colleague at the university where he used to teach. The friend had had lunch with an Anthropology professor who was my favorite professor EVER! Somehow, our names came up, they were talking about how we are doing since we moved. Anthro Prof. told our friend that I was the smartest student he’d ever had!
!!!!
I almost cried. I always felt like an idiot in this guy’s class, and he not only remembered me, but thought I was SMART!
Now I’m motivated to finally go back to school and finish my degree in anthropology.
“Goodness, dear sir, do you have a baculum?”
OH, man!! I was camping so I didn’t get to see this post until now. So no one will get to see my comment.
I wish all of you could know Charlotte. I have the privilege of living in her town. And you guys are right.
Besides all of her other wonderful qualities, she is one of the most compassionate women I have ever known. I am SO blessed to have her for a friend. She has come to my recue in many ways on many different occasions and quite often at times not convenient to herself. The characteritics that are of true value she already possesses. She has arrived. For those of you who have gotten to know her through this blogspot: don’t you consider yourself lucky? This little part of the internet is a treasure and Charlotte is the gem.
I’m ready for that grilled portabella mushroom from CHAMPS!
Pregnancy math, the right way:
1. First, the avg pregnancy is 40 weeks. 38 is the minimum for it not to be premature. 42 weeks is a little above avg though not outside the norm. Most people figger it to be 40.
2. Second, if you divide by 30, you’re shortchanging the months that have 31 days (about half of them). It’s better to avg it to 30.5 per month.
3. That means that 40 weeks * 7 days = 280 days. Divide that by 30.5 and you have about 9.18 … just over a month. Rounded, it’s 9 months and one fifth of a month, or 9 months and about 6 days.
Some women go to 10 months, but that’s considered overdue. 9 months is a much closer figure to the avg than 10.
I know most people won’t care about the pregnancy math, but just to back my “40 weeks” up a bit:
Pregnancy calculator
and see “Duration” in this Wikipedia article.
Miss Char- You are easy to love. 🙂
The nicest compliment (besides yours) I’ve gotten recently is: You are like a well. Some people might only notice the surface, but if they look a little deeper there is so much more…
Something like that anyway.
“You’re one of the strongest people I know.” – my cousin, Rae Ann
Good day !.
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Hi there! This post couldn’t be written any better!
Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He continually kept talking about this. I am going to send this article to him.
Pretty sure he’s going to have a very good read. Thank you for sharing!