Dear Shape Magazine,
Normally I read your pages with lukewarm interest and divided attention. I rarely get excited about an article – although it does happen sometimes – and am not the letter-to-the-editor type. That is, until I got your July issue in the mail a few days ago (never mind that it was May). There I was, flipping idly through pages of silly Special K ads , blatantly photoshopped hydroxycut ads and the same tired advice about sunscreen and vitamin C for creamy flawless skin, when I happened upon this:
I must admit, it caught my eye. And then I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair. Oh Shape. I understand that it must be really hard coming up with “new” strength moves every month. After all, there are only so many iterations of the basic lifts. But this? Do you really expect any self-respecting woman whose day job does not involve stirrups & a “scoot down” mantra to feel comfortable doing this move on the cable machine in the middle of the weight floor? And even then, those women are trained professionals and should at least get paid. Besides, I’m not even sure how I would get into position for this by myself and I really can’t imagine yelling, “Hey Gym Buddy Allison – come hold my legs open!” while maintaining any level of gym-cred.
Thank You,
Charlotte
PS> Your “trainer’s tip” is very wise. This move could definitely cause pain. On so many levels.
More Awkwardness
As if worrying about what you wear and say at the gym isn’t hard enough, you also have to take the actual moves into account. Something that sounds perfectly innocuous in a book or magazine takes on a whole new aspect once you have an audience. I think that I of all people have a very high tolerance for looking like a dork but even I can be pushed over the edge. Some of my favorite embarrassing gym moves (that I still do but, you know, feel really stupid afterward):
Kneeling Ab Curl on the Cable Machine: This ab exercise, a favorite of body builders, requires you to basically bow and kiss the floor in front of whomever happens to be standing in the general vicinity. I imagine they feel like royalty. You? Repressed peasant comes to mind.
My fix: chant “I’m not worthy” with every rep and make sure to clang the plates together loudly. That way people just assume I’m a monk. With really nice abs.
Happy Baby Pose in Yoga: This move is also known as “Breaking Wind Pose” and for good reason. ‘Nuff said.
My fix: make a lot of noise like rustling my mat, whispering to my neighbor and so forth just in case anything squeaks out. And I know that every yoga teacher will say, “it’s okay if some air passes, that’s natural and we’re all adults.” But I have been in yoga classes where the, um, air is passed and we all giggled like school girls.
The Thigh Abductor/Adductor Machines: (you want to click thru this one) These babies are bad enough on their own but at my gym they are carefully situated so you face the windows to the basketball courts. And I mean you are nose-to-the-window. I don’t know how the people on the basketball courts feel about it (Oh no! Old man alert! Quick – media time out!!) but I know it makes me hope that I remembered to not wear shorts that day.
My fix: I don’t use them. What – they don’t work anyways!
I know you guys have things to add to this list (and pics?) so shout ’em out loud and proud!
will you PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE actually submit this to Shape? Just for shits and giggles? I love how both women are grinning ear to ear in the pic!
I just recently stumbled across your blog and I love, love, love it! Keep up the fun (yet informative) posts 🙂
oh, and of course make sure you’re wearing the booty shorts… geeez.
I was up late looking up the Scorpion pushup and wondering how I was going to do that in the middle of the weight room without falling on my face… maybe that’s one for home. Evidently, it’s in Jillian’s book as part of a circuit.
That was hilarious. Love the Shape picture!
And I’m assuming when you vow not to wear shorts on the abductor machine you’ll be wearing something else instead?
(Since I pretty much only work out in shorts, skipping them would mean working out in my underwear, which would make the proximity of the basketball courts even more problematic).
Great post.
Shape must be scraping the bottom of the barrel of ideas.
Dumb bell rows – face the mirror to check your form and have your butt stuck out toward the entire room? Or face the room and have your butt reflected back at everyone through the mirror? Hard choice, hard choice.
a trainer once had me take a medicine ball and chest press it away – then run after it and do it again. So I was basically throwing a ball to…nobody, and then running after it and picking it up. Repeat 12 times. I got even more stares than usual that day. Sheesh!
I did clamshells once in class (glut exercise where you lie on your side and have your legs bent, then open and close your knees). Only, there were some people wearing shorts and thongs, or shorts and no underwear, and I think the rest of us got more of a view than we wanted. Note to self – don’t do clamshells in the summer when everyone’s wearing shorts…
The machine that feels awkward to me is the glut machine (I can’t remember what it’s actually called) where you’re essentially in tabletop position on the machine and then pressing your leg up into the weight.
So funny! I agree that you must submit that to Shape!
Not a machine exercise, but embarrassing nonetheless. My trainer had me doing wheelbarrows up and down the gym floor. He held my legs and I crawled (and sweat) across the floor with my hands and then again with dumbbells in each hand. Glad I was wearing pants that day. Funny enough when I tried to find a sample picture it comes up under a sex workout. My position was a bit cleaner than that one but you get the idea.
Clean:
http://images.townnews.com/itemlive.com/content/articles/2007/08/29/sports/sports02.jpg
Dirty (but safe for work!):
http://www.veoh.com/videos/v3295666hsRnZQjA?c=ScrewTheGym
Oh, PLEASE submit it to “Shape!” Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease?!
We do similar a similar exercise in Pilates, but we’re in a room with no crotch-facing windows, and everyone is side by side doing the exercise at the same time. I don’t stand over my clients while they do it,lol!
But, you know, plies and wide-legged squats are really good for the inner thighs, too. Without the Sharon Stone-esque quality.
We used to do aerobics in PE in highschool and I’ll never forget doing the “fire hydrant!” We would be laughing the entire time, our coach would get so mad!
I am freakin laughing so hard snot just shot out of my nose across the room! (the big green kind too!) FANTASTIC!
For your next fitness experiment, you should totally just test all of these silly exercises at the gym and see what kind of reactions you get from other people. It’d be excellent entertainment:)
i just cant get over how happy they look. you’d think SOMEONE on the entire crew (makeup, clothing, camera, someone!) would have taken a second and gone, “…um, guys?”
and yes, i dont know a single person that works out in booty shorts and a sports bra- which seems to be the only thing you are allowed to wear while doing magazine workouts.
I totally forgot about the ‘fire hydrant’. Yep. That would qualify for me as one of those awkward exercises!
TOO FUNNY. That magazine has more crap than content.
LMAO!!! this post had me rollin’ on the floor! Great post…lol
How come Shape didn’t do the photo shoot with a male trainer??? Not! I always feel weird on the ab/add-uctor machines but I do like the burn you get. In my gum the ab machines are situated to where your legs are facing the whole gym so if you’re not wearing any undies you will flash everyone. not good. not good.