This Experiment Was Too Cold
My friend B is a real life Wonder Woman. Girl has five kids (stranger:
“Are those ALL yours?” B: “No, I picked up a couple extra because going to the grocery store with five toddlers is FUN.”) and she runs a tight ship. Her house runs like the Von Trapps’ minus the curtains and the Nazis. So when I saw her toting her kids in a bike trailer/baby bike seat I had to try it. I mean, what a great idea! Not only are you saving gas and getting exercise but hey – doesn’t that count as An Official Learning Experience for the kiddos? It’s practically just bumpy preschool.
So when I found a bike trailer for $15 at a garage sale, I called it Kismet and took the thing on its inaugural voyage that very day. Seeing as the only biking I do is in Spin Class on a stationary bike in an air conditioned room, I probably should have thought things through a little better but I am impetuous if nothing so off I went. Things were going okay until I hit my first big hill. I couldn’t remember how to shift (oh Cranky, I’m ashamed!!) and so was standing on the pedals and still only going about 1 mile an hour whilst toting 150 pounds of child. It was in that wonderfully sweaty moment that my baby discovered that, hey, this is boring! But amusement is only a plumber crack away! He yanked my shirt up (sorry, passing cars!) and endeavored to make me moon everyone to boot.
Let me say that that got me up the hill lickety-split. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I hear my eldest call out, “Cool! Mom’s camera phone!” Click. That’s right, my sweaty butt – documented for posterity.
I’m pretty sure Lance Armstrong never had to yell out to his peloton, “All right, WHO has their FINGERS in my BUTT CRACK??” only to be answered with giggles and a camera flash.
This Experiment Was Just Right
You know how all the healthy folk tell you to try a 
new vegetable every week? It will add Variety and Interest to your meals, not to mention Nutrients and Flavor! Plus it ups your street cred at the Farmer’s Market. These people obviously don’t shop at Target. I think I can count on two hands and one foot the number of veggies they offer and that’s at SuperTarget. So this year I thought we should sign up with a CSA (community supported agriculture) to remedy that problem. Each week we get a big basket of fresh veggies – most I’ve never heard of. There have been some disasters (They gave us stinging nettles. They told us they were edible. They must think nettle burns to the mouth are funny. Those wacky farmers.) but most have been pretty good. This week’s excitement was kohlrabi, a.k.a. the alien vegetable. I roasted it with garlic snapes, also a freaky looking veg, and they were delish!
Also, on the culinary front, I made this fudge recipe for a party. It is made out of pinto BEANS. And nobody even knew! It tasted completely fab although I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “healthy” but hey, for a dessert it was fun and sneaky! I missed my calling as a spy.
This Experiment Was Too Hot
I’m not going to lie to you, gaining those nine pounds has been really hard on my self esteem. All my jeans are tight. My shirts cling in the wrong places. I’ve been trying hard not to whine about it because I know how annoying it is when the skinny girl pinches her nonexistent fat and moans “Now, I’m going to have to buy a size 2! Waaah!” I believe I have even accidentally-on-purpose spilled juice on that girl when I waitressed. And yet, tears have been shed here. I’m not proud of it but there you go.
Come Friday night, the husband and I had an adults-only party to go to and I had nothing to wear that didn’t make me look, well, nine pounds heavier. So after much fist-shaking at the universe, I wedged into what used to be my big jeans and put on some sky-high heels hoping they would help balance out the hippage. Thankfully the party was fun enough that I forgot to be self conscious but on the way home, I had to take a quick detour to the grocery store.
I was tottering around the aisles looking for a coupon item from their ad when suddenly the night manager appeared, introduced himself by name and asked if I needed help finding something. Once he determined that he didn’t have the item I was looking for (grrr), he offered to help me finish my shopping list! I figured he was just bored. But then the stock boy joined in too. Wheee? It wasn’t until me and my entourage reached the paper towels that I finally caught on.
A little old lady pointed her finger accusingly at the night manager, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting 15 minutes for you to come back and help me like you said!!”
The man, embarrassed, replied, “I… uh… I… got sidetracked. Um, sorry.”
She frowned menacingly at him and then sighed, looking at me, “Well I can certainly see why.” As she passed by me with her cart she smiled and said, “You flaunt in honey!” and PATTED my bum. (Something, incidentally, only 98-year-old grandmas can get away with so don’t get any pervy produce aisle ideas here.)
Then it occurred to me. My weight gain has gone to my hips and butt and maybe I could use a little junk in my trunk. All I know is I have never in my life got service like that and I shop there every week. Sister, I am working these nine pounds.
How do you add 9 pounds as a vegetarian?…I can’t imagine 9 pounds looking anything but (…lol) attractive on you…you too easily self-depricate…your confidence betrays you…tight jeans from “pinto fudge”? Beyonce has back and you would probably cause traffic accidents in my neighborhood when your child exposed your “inner plumber”…I myself would have driven through your neighbors rose garden and happily paid the deductible…send pictures….please? Michael
I gotta say, if you gained all your nine pounds in your hips and butt I bet you are looking FABULOUS! You’re cool enough to make anything work–even a plumber’s crack on a neighborhood bike ride 🙂
OMG she patted you on the butt?! That is amazing. And creepy/crazy at the same time but you know she meant well.
I totally hear what you’re saying about putting on some pounds and then getting more attention…I know you’ve blogged (quite eloquently) in the past about the whole being-thin-as-a-means-to-avoid-attention. I myself noticed that the day after breaking my 5-month No Scale experiment (and subsequently learning I’d put on 6 lbs in almost as many months) I got a lot more looks/whistles/etc. I talked about it with my therapist and he poited out that I was also very dressed up that day (I had a talk to give), wearing s skirt and heels that easily put me over 6 ft tall. Usually I’m in jeans and sneakers or yoga clothes. Perhaps I just FELT more hit on b/c I was more aware of the number. I think he’s right. Not to take away from your illicit affair with the grocery store manager…and not to say I don’t thin you look AMAZING…but I bet you’ll notice the attention more now not just because of the 9 pounds, but because it’s changed your perception of yourself.
does that make any sense at all?
Baby got back! Still laughing at the visual of granny grabbing some of your jeans. =)
Love the photo of the Battleship box and the women washing dishes. Lately we have been experimenting with chld labor. Funny, I thought that with the kids doing some of hubby’s jobs he would find more time to do other chores. But in his mind it just means he doesn’t have to do chores at all anymore.
You have found a pretty adventurous veggie dealer there. Enjoy!
OMG, that is funny! Luckily, our kids can’t reach our butts when we put them in the bike trailer. Of course, I make my husband put the trailer on his bike…
I’m guessin’ you’re lookin’ DAYAMN good, girl!
You go, girl! HILARIOUS story from the grocery store – and see, I told ya a few pounds wouldn’t hurt! 😉 And kudos to you for trying out the bike trailer UP a HILL! I have to ask, did your kids and hubby actually eat those veggies? And do garlic snapes actually taste garlicky?
One wonders why that camera phone photo has not been posted? 🙂
so many thoughts from PINTO BEANS and FUDGE? (Ive done the black beans and brownies :)) to “are we sure your stuff is clinging in all the WRONG places? can we get Mister Fitness Experiment up in herre for a day?”
and Im off
My ‘just right’ life is calling…
M.
Hilarious–both the kids-in-the bike trailer story and the butt-patting granny.
And I like the idea of trying new vegetables all the time… if I were just cooking for myself. Alas, I am the sole vegetable fan in the house and anything beyond lettuce and tomatoes and carrots and bell peppers gets a bit controversial and involves separate meals. I suspect kohlrabi just ain’t gonna happen.
You go girl – work that bootay! I’m sure you look beautiful!
Great stories! I can’t imagine pulling an extra 150 lbs up a hill, I have a hard enough time getting myself up the hills occasionally!
I know gaining 9 lbs can be quite a blow. I gained 10 lbs a year or so ago, and I’ve only ever managed to take 3 of them back off. But you know, I think I look better with the weight, even if the scale says a number I don’t like.
I’m sure you look HAWT with a little more junk in the trunk! Although I do admit to being partial to big curves, since I have them myself!
Loved this post – even horny pensioners can’t keep their paws off your hot butt!
I’m having a 10lbs-I-don’t-want crisis right here too, and am trying my hardest to listen to my boyfriend when he tells me he wants my bum to stay right where it is! At the end of the day, it really only matters because the number-crazed part of your brain told you it should matter. Not for any real, proper reasons that count in the real world of fitness, health and looking awesome
TA x
You crack me us as usual silly girl! I think you look fabulous and I never in a million years would think you’ve gained even an ounce! Way to work it girlfriend!!
That old lady is my hero. And thats awesome that the weight has gone to your hips and butt! I wish that’s where mine would go. But it seems to instead like to go straight to my tummy.
Those vegetables sound great- I’ll have to look for them when the farmers market opens up in my neighborhood this week:)
Well, I think that scale has to go!! You rock the junk, girlfriend. Yeah, the stilettos never hurt 🙂 How does your husband like your extra loveage?
LOL, we got the same baby seat/bike trailer thing going on.. you should see all 8 of us trailing down the street. And, yes, they ALWAYS play with your crack!! The picture is classic, though.
I’ll shamelessly plug DoortoDoorOrganics.com for fruits and veggies. It has really upped our veggie intake and my kid’s favorite??? Red chard with curry on rice! Who’d a thought?
Definitely lose the scales….
Wonderful stuff!! I love your writing! I’m gonna try a variation of the Pinto Fudge. Who would have thought!!
We have several young moms in the area. I get a real kick out of seeing their wagon train on some weekend mornings. They’ve got bikes with kid attachments, push running things, you name it. Moms, lots of kids, all having a good time while moving!
Dr. J
woot! woot!
Charlotte’s got a HOT badonkadonk!!
I’m soooo turning into that old lady when i grow up. I’m already that friend who says things like, “not to sound weird, but your butt looks amazing in those pants”.
The extra pounds may seem excessive to you, but other peoples’ perception of them can be totally different, as you witnesses in the grocery store. And hips and booty in a pair of smokin’ heels can be a different animal altogether than the same body hanging around the house in shorts and sneakers.
Some tools of patriarchal subjugation are worth keeping around for special occasions.
who needs v-logging when charlotte provides such vivid descriptions of a family adventure up a hill. how was the trip down?
HAHAHAHAHA Great post. Kept me laughing – which is awesome for a Monday!
Woohoo! Yay for not only being able to accept these new lbs but working them as well. You go girl!
Yikes! Aren’t kids always having fun? 🙂
The comments from you readers and FANS are almost as good as your post…the true sign of outstanding blogging….
*snort* What did the kids do with the pics? That’s hysterical!
4pack – that’s the problem. I haven’t changed my diet or exercise at all and I don’t know where the *&$%*#& pounds came from. My doc thinks it might be a thyroid issue.
WG – wow, I never thought o fit that way but what you say makes a lot of sense! Will have to ponder on the ramifications of that one.
Melissa – Hubby eats everything I make! I couldn’t ask for a less picky eater. The kids… well, they each ate their requisite two bites and that was it. And yes, garlic snapes are VERy garlicky.
Andrew – can’t believe you even asked that question, man. Sheesh.
Gena & tokaigirl – glad to know I’m not the only one. I bet you both are rocking those curves:)
Anon – never heard of doortodoor! Must check them out now! And yeah, the scale does need to go. I guess I’m just not ready to give it up yet…
Geekgirl – I want to be that old lady too when I grow up. She was so cute.
Grant – thanks!! Love your profile pic, btw!
missicat – thankfully they don’t know how to upload the pics off the phone or else my entire phone book would be laughing their butts off right now.
The fact that you can’t account for the 9 pounds is a concern…going to a doctor is critical…I would also gauge my calorie intake for a week trying to be as exact as possible…not knowing your height and weight and assuming you are 29, your body may just be not responding to your exercise routine and you are consuming more calories than you think…eat small meals every 3 hours…up your protein (egg whites are the best protein) and decrease your soy intake…get a full blood test and see what your blood sugar level is after a 12 hour fast…Signed…A concerned 4pack….:0(
Your butt crack story beats anyone of mine hands down.