In one of the funniest stories to come out of Hollywood recently, Heidi Klum reportedly sent Victoria “Skeleton” Beckham a dozen of the decadent Sprinkles cupcakes for her birthday. It gets better: The attached note added that a dozen would be coming every Friday for the rest of the year.
I’ll admit it. I totally laughed at this. The irony is as sweet as, well, a cupcake. But the more I thought about it, the more Mean Girls/Vicious PR Stunt it seemed. I love Heidi Klum (I used to be a Project Runway junkie before I gave up TV) but girlfriend seems to fall totally in the “genetically blessed” department. While Posh, for all of her too-skinny foibles, seems to have to work very hard for her (stick) figure. It seems mighty cruel to throw that in her face for 52 weeks straight.
If Heidi were truly concerned about Posh’s health, she wouldn’t have sent her cupcakes. Brown rice and salmon, maybe. Plus breath mints. If she were a true friend, she wouldn’t have done it such a public manner either. And I’m sure it’s no coincidence it comes on the heels of Ms. Beckham’s interview with Barbara Walters in which she declared she would never, ever eat a cookie.
Cat Fight!
There’s competition. Like when Gym Buddy Allison (MizFit – you are so right – everyone needs an Allison!) and I try and out-sprint or out-lift each other. I usually win the former, she always wins the latter, in case you were curious. Plus she spanked me in basketball today. This kind of competition benefits both parties and usually doesn’t leave any hard feelings.
And then there’s competition. We women can be notoriously catty with each other. For instance, when you tell an embarrassing story about your friend in public to make yourself look smarter. Or when we let a friend go out in a fugly dress because we know we’ll outshine her at the club. This cattiness can be very insidious. This is especially so when we sabotage each other’s efforts to get or stay healthy.
This is a hard line to draw, as often the perpetrator doesn’t even consciously realize why she’s doing what she’s doing. There are a myriad of reasons why we’d want to keep a sister down:
1. Guilt. Watching your friend suddenly lose a lot of weight or run a marathon may make you feel guilty about your excess poundage or couch potato skills. Making snarky comments about how she’s “such an exercise fanatic” or the “diet nazi” make you feel less guilty by demonizing her behavior.
2. Fear of Loss. Maybe now that she’s finally exercising every day you fear that she’ll abandon you for her new fit buddies. Or at least abandon your weekly Dairy Queen run.
3. Fear of Change. You fear that her new chicken-and-veggies meals will mean that you
will have to give up your movie theater popcorn. And you just aren’t ready to give it up, darnnit!
4. Jealousy. This one probably should have been number one but in an effort to trust our better natures I’m sticking it in at fourth. It’s really hard to watch someone get something that you’ve wanted for a long time, and possibly have even worked harder for.
4b. Loss of Identity. This one is closely tied to jealousy, I think. It can be really hard to take if you are used to being The Thin One in your group of friends and then suddenly you’re not. Or if you are The Healthy Eater and your friend goes all macrobiotic on you and usurps your role. (Which, incidentally, is how many eating disorders are born.) Weetabix over at Elastic Waist wrote one of the most poignant and heart breaking examples of this I’ve ever read, demonstrating the ability of women to destroy even their closest relationships in order to maintain the status quo.
5. Annoyance. Discovering healthy living is often like finding religion – the person eats, sleeps and breathes Women’s Health magazine. They evangelize fish oil supplements to anyone who will listen. They demonize chocolate. And too often they have this air of moral superiority throughout it all. Who wouldn’t want to smack that? Or at least slip a bag of M&Ms into their purse?
I Hate to Admit This
In my past life as a waitress, there were few customers more irritating than the woman who would order the prime rib with mashed potatoes & creme brulee but then insist that all the fat be trimmed from her meat, her potatoes be made with the skins on and cooked with no butter in soy milk and the creme brulee be fat free with Splenda caramelized on top. We’d generally do no more than an exaggerated eye roll but if she kept complaining and sending it back to get “fixed”, well then, we’d, um, fix it. Especially if she was a teeny tiny gorgeous model type. It was like we felt it was our duty to fatten her up. And punish her for being more gorgeous, successful and rich than we lowly waitresses.
I can’t believe I’m telling you this (guilty conscience, much?). My fellow wait staff and I would intentionally slip crap into her food. Not literal crap, thank you very much. But we’d pour oil and butter over her veggies. We’d pre-butter her rolls. We’d *gasp* switch out her diet Coke with real Coke. Even the chefs would get in on it by purposely choosing the fattiest cut of meat or ladling on an extra cup of Bernaise sauce.
All of which is not to say that you should fear your waitress every time you go out to eat. We saved this awful behavior for the select few who made royal pains out of themselves. (Seriously – don’t order prime rib if you can’t handle the “marbling.” There is no possible way we can cut out all of the intramuscular fat for you. Order a chicken breast. Or the kabobs. Asking for a few substitutions is fine but don’t try and rewrite the evening special’s entire recipe. ) Wait – did I just try and rationalize that? Egads.
My point is that I’ve been on both sides of this equation. It doesn’t feel good. When will we learn as women that tearing each other down does nothing more than lower the entire playing field?
Are You a Cady or a Catty?
I know you’ve had experience with this. If you’re being honest you’ve probably had experience on both sides of the fence;) Have you ever been sabotaged by a girlfriend? How do you conquer your baser impulses?
Although if you do think your diet Coke tastes like regular, then it probably is. Sometimes we just ran out of diet.
No one could fool me with Coke for Diet Coke!
It can be difficult supporting friends during any sort of life changes. I’ve had times where I’ve definitely been on both sides. And subconsciously I wonder, do I purposely hang out with certain people to make myself look better?
It makes me sick thinking about it; unfortunately, as women we are so pitted against each other… if I could have a dollar for every time I’ve seen a friend grin with glee over the news that So&so has gained weight… it’s disgusting.
fabulous and yet sad post huh?
I do believe I reside in a dreamworld as I cant think of a time I have tried to sabotage someone else.
I came early to the realization (via my writing) that just because someone else is (an) amazing (writer) it doesnt make me any less so.
Im kinda behind on OTHER life lessons 🙂 but Ive got that one down pat.
now, I just saw the movie LARS AND THE REAL GIRL.
is there an INFLATABLE Alison I mightcould buy?
M.
Great post!
I find the main reason I’ll have trouble celebrating a friend or acquaintances accomplishments will have to do with the smugness/braggy factor. If they seem all humble and surprised, I’m pretty much happy for them. If they’re the least bit full of themselves, then there’s an Evil part of me that wants their success to be short-lived.
And I SO wish you hadn’t told me about the Diet Coke thing, because I’ve often suspected it. Now I’ll be totally paranoid whenever the drink tastes remotely decent.
Great post, you touch on some really tough topics!
My coworkers are all overweight. One of them tried NutriSystem to lose weight. She lost about 70 lbs and, while still overweight, the loss was starting to show. My other coworker judges her for choosing a “gimmick” diet rather than a true lifestyle change.
When she stopped doing NutriSystem and gained the weight all back, the judgy coworker was so happy! Now people were noticing the weight gain instead of the weight loss! All was right in the world!
It just made me sad, first that one couldn’t make the commitment to health, and that the other was so happy in someone else’s failure.
My in-laws are totally against my husband and I eating healthy, and every Sunday we have to share a really gross meal with them. My father-in-law always comments on how “hefty” I am just to see if he can get a rise out of me. I usually just laugh at him, or ask him why he’s so concerned. He’s always checking my plate to see how much I’m eating because he thinks I’m anorexic or something. I’m sorry, but eating around them makes me totally lose my appetite. And if you tell them that you exercised they look at you like you’ve got a juicy booger hanging out of your nose.
i cant tell the difference between coke and diet coke as well, and if i miss it, good thing the boyfriend is there to set me straight because he hates diet.
I have catty thoughtsb ut i try really hard not to act on them. i tried to explain to guy friend once that you automatically hate girls that are just as or prettier than you. because they must be bitches. because if they were nice and prettier than you the world isnt fair. and then he replied that isnt hating her for not reason bitchy, and if shes pretty than me i lose on both counts, so i might as well be nice so i have a leg up on her?
I hated him for this.
Man, the first time I went to the movies and didn’t order popcorn, my friend FLIPPED. Every time after that, if I ordered chocolate sorbet instead of gelati or asked for water instead of soda or ordered something on the side she’d jeer at me and mock me. Not even kidding. She’s gotten a little bit better (possibly because we see each other a lot less?), but it’d be nice to have some encouragement rather than blatant attemps to sabotage (the time she literally tried to stuff movie theatre popcorn in my mouth comes to mind).
Because of this, I try ESPECIALLY hard to support other people in their choices. And when someones debating with themselves over if they should splurge or go for the healthier choice, then I’ll help to talk them through it so that rather than making excuses, they figure out what it is they want and then whatever choice they do make, they’re a lot happier with it and enjoy it that much more, because then they’re really listening to their bodies. (not to say that I don’t have the occasional catty thoughts… I just do my best not to voice them and act upon them:)).
Your post just made my morning. It’s very true about a friends accomplishments. I travel for work a lot and try not to get jealous when my friends go to big events while I am away. It was my decision not there’s. Much like when I turn down yummy chocolate birthday cake, my choice not theirs, but sometimes it still gets under the skin.
Real Coke for Diet Coke? That would urk me a bit. Worse would be if they tried to substitute Pepsi
From now on at restaurants I’m going to have a large bowl of water at the table, if the food floats, it’s got too much added fat, thank you vary much 🙂
Dr. J
PS I love when my friends are successful! I wish it happened more often 🙁
I used to be horribly jealous of friends’ successes, but I’d keep it inside and let it fester until I blew up and had a full-on panic attack.
Not the best way of dealing.
Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, but I feel proud of others’ success, 99% of the time. (I admit, there’s one person I can’t stand who had some success last year and I was insanely jealous, and made all sorts of catty remarks in my mind. Not proud.)
But I do remember being a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. Her mom made the gowns, and she purposely made them too big so her daughter wouldn’t look fat standing next to us. This was at her daughter’s request.
Well, if this is confession corner, I have to admit something. I am usually the skinny one, but right now, I am pregnant, so more on the upward slope. Meanwhile my girlfriend who had some “junk in the trunk” has been following a diet very faithfully and has become thin, which fits her very well. Well, as much as I am glad for her, it’s been tough to completely overjoyed by her change. There, I am a BAD person!
You bring up all the things I had to fight against when my husband lost his weight. When I met him he was beefy and I liked it (it made me feel skinny). Then he started gaining a lot of weight and it was still ok (my dad was a big man so I was used to big men). But then he started to get skinny. At first I was happy for him and helped him all I could. But when he started to look so good that I started feeling chubby I had many issues that I suddenly had to face. Not only did I have to worry about all the things you mention, but I had to learn to love him in his new body. I had to find skinny sexy. I had to love his discipline with food. I had to not take it personally when he wouldn’t eat seconds of my cooking. It was hard. Very hard. But in the end it was good for me because I had to loose my self righteous attitude and my pride (and I also had to start working out so that I could stay skinnier than him). =)
I hope you know I luv ya even though you are my tiniest friend!!!!
My husband has recently lost about 35 pounds and it has made me kind of mad because he’s he’s so flippant about it! “All I did was stop eating cereal before bed and workout more”. Well good for you! I’ve been busting my butt and eating salads and I’m still 20 pounds behind you!
Jealous I am! Very much so!!! I’m usually happy for my friends when the lose unless they act like it was no big deal and didn’t require any will power whatsoever! Then I make them a large pan of congratulatory BROWNIES!!
ain’t no getting over on me with the ‘ol coke/diet coke switcharoo 🙂
I can relate to all of your points. I was the token fat girl w/the pretty face turned non-fat. A lot of people had major issues with my weight loss (well probably their own issues) and I lost a few friends because of it. I also went through a major identity crisis for a bit. All of sudden people talk to you that never looked at you before…it was so bizzare…like I had just arrived on the planet. And at first it feels good to be noticed and “liked” but then that turns to insecurity & anger – why the hell didn’t you talk to me or see me as a person before?! F*&^$rs!!!
Er, anyway…great post 🙂
very good post! I think I’ve been on both sides. Also as a formerly large girl-turned super skinny-now back to a little plump.
I have friends who still tell me that running is healthy, especially now that I am injured. (great friends, huh?)
at the same time, I am very jealous of my friends who are currently running because they are NOT injured.
hmmm…maybe I need to read between the lines here and be a better friend? 🙂
Send me a bill for the therapy, OK?
I have to take the other side of this. When I lost my 78 pounds I had sooo many people coming up to me and seriously congratulating me. They were mostly at the gym, and they had seen my transformation for over a year. Some of them also started changing their shapes and I was so happy for them. Every since I had been overweight, I will always be happy for someone who is being successful because I know how it feels to be on the other side.
Now if I can be not so smug and cruel to myself…
Candice
I’m with Crabby. I’ve had issue with the newly smug skinny who can’t stop talking about their skinny jeans. I’m happy for them but we need not go on and on and on. When I got back into the skinny jeans back in my 20’s a couple of my GF’s hated that I was no longer the “fat one” in the group. How dare I change the dynamic. What was like lemon on a wound to them was that I was now getting more male attention then they when we went to the bars. This resulted in cat fights. Not pretty. I’m so glad now that my GF’s are supportive of any success each of us achieves in life.
Here BWO the awesomeness that is Cranky Fitness (although if Stephanie builds one more blog I won’t have time to do much other than read).
“…if I ordered chocolate sorbet instead of gelati or asked for water instead of soda or ordered something on the side she’d jeer at me and mock me.”
o.0
I believe this is an optimal point for a well-placed “What is your damage, Heather?”
“the time she literally tried to stuff movie theatre popcorn in my mouth”
I have a cousin who tried that once. I won’t tell you what I did. I will say she never tried it again.
“Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry”, Susan Shapiro Barash
“All of sudden people talk to you that never looked at you before…like I had just arrived on the planet. And at first it feels good to be noticed and “liked” but then that turns to insecurity & anger – why the hell didn’t you talk to me or see me as a person before?!”
HAAAAATE.
Anyone who has any useful suggestions on how to deal with this well, psychologically, I will serve you diet Coke or brownies until you say stop. Your choice.