The Miracle Workout

Peep Cannibals

Well, if there really was a miracle workout, this would be it. In fact, this workout (and nutrition plan!) is as close to perfect as I could reasonably conceive of. If everyone did this workout, not only would everyone be healthier & happier but so would our earth. See? Win-win! Well, except for Industrialized Agriculture. But hey, nobody likes them nowadays anyhow.

Who Let the Dogs Out?
WWOOF! Besides being a really catchy Baja Men song, WWOOF stands for World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms. It’s like the peace corps but not a corps and not really about peace. Although I do imagine it would make one feel more peaceful.

The basic idea is that small organic farms sign up with WWOOF looking for volunteers to help them on their farm. They don’t pay the volunteers but instead teach them all about organic farming and provide for their room and board, plus (and this is a big plus in my book) feed them three healthy organic meals a day.

What’s In It For Me?
I’m assuming none of you are small organic farmers. (Hee! Suddenly I have a vision of twee little farmer-dwarves hoeing miniature rows of “baby salad blend.” It’s like that diorama I made in middle school of that book that I totally don’t remember but, man, I loved that diorama. Really, who doesn’t love good shoe box diorama?) So if free organic food & lodging isn’t enough for you, what else do the volunteers get out of it?

1. Instead of doing fake “axe chops” with a wimpy 2-lb medicine ball you can do for-real axe chops with something that is actually considered a lethal weapon in 49 states (in Washington they are classified as “less lethal” – Lizzie Borden will be relieved). You get a killer workout in AND relieve some pent up aggression. Besides, calluses are sexy. I’m totally serious about that too.

2. Ditto for “wall throws,” anything involving a kettlebell (totally sounds farm anyhow, right?), and those weird bent over ab crunches weight lifters do on the cable machine that look like they’re either experiencing a hernia or praying to Mecca – it’s not a far leap from “kiss the ground ONE! kiss the ground TWO!” to “kiss the ground ONE tomato plant! kiss the ground TWO tomato plant.”

3. You get to help Save Our Planet which has to be good for bonus points with the opposite sex. If the ladies or gents are not impressed, then try Denny’s. They give two-for-ones like Kevin Federline gives babies. (Yeah, I just went there. It’s late. Call the analogy police.)

4. You get to see the world. I know I just stole the whole recruiting spiel of the Navy but I can’t help it – it’s short and kinda catchy. WWOOF has partnerships in over 53 countries, including notables like Slovenia, Belize and Northern Ireland. (Okay, it probably is a good thing they give you a weapon after all. Maybe go someplace calm. New Zealand? Those hobbits seem like the non-rioting type but then I only saw the first movie so maybe they got it together by the 3rd installment.) New language, new food, new animals – all sounds like fun to me!

5. Lastly, as an official volunteer, you earn the right to call yourself a “WWOOFer” and who wouldn’t want that on a t-shirt?

Doing It Old Style
All joking aside I think this is really one of the coolest programs I have ever heard of. It’s getting our exercise and nutrition the way our ancestors did and they way I really think we were meant to. I mean, have you ever really contemplated the absolute absurdity of running for an hour on a piece of rubber whose whole selling point is that goes nowhere?? Or lifting heavy pieces of metal just to… lift heavy pieces of metal. Or forever stepping on the Stairway That Never Quite Gets to Heaven (but hey you have great glutes and some would say that’s practically angelic!)

I think if we all had a hand in growing our own food we would be a lot more grateful for it. We wouldn’t scarf it down in front of the TeeVee, instead we’d sit in the dirt and eat it off the plant because it’s just that good. We wouldn’t dare eat an apple that we’d just seen spray painted with pesticides. It would finally make whole, organic fruits and vegetables affordable. If nothing else, we’d gain a better appreciation for how cool a substance poo really is.

I wish they had this in every town. It should be a requirement in high schools. In nursery schools. In life schools. It would bring communities together and drive urban planning and help solve the obesity problem and… and… might just save the world! There – I said it. That’s my nefarious master plan to conquer the world – one organic strawberry at a time:)