On the way to Target at nine o’clock on Friday night (that’s what you do with your Friday nights too, right?), I heard one of the most outrageous commercials to ever grace the FM airwaves. I might’ve missed some of it because I had one arm out the window trying to hold the antenna up to get better reception (shut up) but the gist of it was this:
“Scientists have discovered that the best source of vitamin D is sunlight! Vitamin D helps you feel better, live longer, and even lose weight! Come into GenericTan, our light is even more concentrated than springtime sunlight to make sure you’re getting your recommended dose.”
Wowweeee! What a public service! GenericTan just wants to make sure there are no vitamin D deficiencies in the world. Oh yeah, they want your money too. And try not to think about dying from melanoma.
Seattle Sun Tan – billed as the “best tan east of Maui” because, um, there’s so much east of Maui – has a cure for you. Well, not a cure for cancer, sillies. A cure for being afraid of tanning! They list 5 helpful tips for “tanning smart”:
1. Get a base tan. Everyone knows that a base tan is actually like protection right? I mean, that’s why only pale people get skin cancer.
2. Use tanning lotion every time. No, not sunscreen. We’re talking about the coconut smelly stuff that we just happen to have handy here for 12.95$ a bottle. No, no problem, we’re here to serve.
3. Take care of your skin. Tanning is one of the best ways to take care of your skin. Everyone’s going to wrinkle sometime so you might as well look good doing it!
4. Wear eyewear every time. Because if you’re blind then you might not be able to find us again and we really really like your money.
5. Know the basics. They don’t explain what the basics are but I’m assuming they don’t include a recommendation from the American Cancer Association.
But hey, at least you won’t be deficient. Ahem.
PS> Have you ever noticed that the major difference between the “before” and “after” pics for every weight loss pill/drug/program/scam is a TAN? I swear half those girls are just putting on heels, turning sideways to the camera and smiling their tan selves “thin”.