In what I can only assume is a grand hoax of some sort, Madonna’s personal trainer Tracy Anderson, gave a list of her personalized tips on how to workout and look like Madonna. And just in case you think Madge’s bulging biceps are bit over the top, Tracy also happens to train the waifish Gwyneth Paltrow.
Anderson’s workout goes against every piece of conventional wisdom and fitness research I have read in the past two years. And yet, Madonna & Gwyneth are in fantastic shape. The only thing I could come up with is that Tracy is either working for Pop Fiction, Ashton Kutcher’s new version of Punk’d where the celebrities play the pranks, or she’s just lying to the press.
Madonna’s New “Workout”
1. Variety. Tracy recommends 30 minutes of either dancing or a running/skipping/galloping combo. (Okay, so far so good. I love variety. Who doesn’t love dancing?)
2. Toning. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Tracy recommends doing arm raises, plies and crunches – working up to 100 of each. But here’s the kicker: “NEVER lift anything heavier than 3 lbs. It will just make you bulk out.” (emphasis mine). Seriously – didn’t we try the whole “toning” thing in the 80’s? It went out with thong leotards and Aqua Net Bangs. The research these days says to lift heavy and short.
3. Combine dance with toning in every workout. Tracy recommends 30 minutes of cardio followed by a few toning exercises 6 days a week. Well, I guess you don’t really need a day in between to let your muscles recover if all you are doing is toning.
4. Focus only on the smaller, supporting muscles. Avoid training your large muscles at all costs. Says Tracy, “don’t go the gym and do tons of leg presses. Better to stay home and do 100 plies or something that’s not going to bulk you up.”
5. Work out in a hot room. This is the whole principle behind Bikram yoga and I do enjoy a good hot yoga class but cardio in a hot room? Puke city.
Has anyone seen Madonna lately? Girl cannot possibly be using candy-colored 3-lb dumbbells and just dancing or doing pilates for 30 minutes. Please tell me this is a joke.
Speaking of jokes, here is a totally awesome one from Reader M. Thanks, M!!