No, sillies, I’m happily married and not into the freaky-deaky stuff. It’s for my gym friend Ana. Girl could be a model – tall, thin, tan, and superfit with long black hair. Heads turn every time she runs past – if she’s on the track, some of them get all Exorcist. She’s that gorgeous.
And yet she cannot, for the life of her, get Hottie to talk to her. Hottie is a guy who works out the same time we all do and is cut like a Men’s Health ad. He’s also very quiet (okay, silent) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him crack a smile. Apparently Ana’s dream man.
We are not dumb – we’ve done our nosy homework – Hottie is both single and straight. Gym Buddies Allison, Candice and I have given her all the tips we can think of. Okay, so all we could come up with was 1) take out your earphones and 2) challenge him to a pull-up contest. 1 didn’t work (probably because HE had his earbuds in as well) and for some reason she wasn’t up for 2. But what do we know? We’re a bunch of old married ladies.
Gym As Meat Market
High protein or low-carb notwithstanding, everyone knows that the gym can be a great place to meet someone. I’ve heard a lot of girls moan about getting hit on while they’re trying to get a “serious” workout in but, truth be told, if they were that concerned about it, they’d go to an all-girl gym (they exist!) or else, you know, seriously work out. I’ve been hit on at the gym but never while I was obviously in the middle of a major sweat fest. (For a hilarious take on getting hit on at the gym, you must read this. You will laugh your well-toned tushie off. Really, I cried. Warning for liberal use of double entendres.)
I’m sure that there are some psycho stalkers out there that break all gym etiquette and make inappropriate passes, and I’ve heard way more than my fair share of lewd comments (“Nice rack… position!”), but by and large people of both sexes seem to be pretty decent folk.
Back to Ana. I love her but girlfriend is obviously used to men chasing her, not the other way around. She needs help. I found this list, written for men, about how to attract a “gym bunny” (Bunny? Really?? Um, how ’80s of you.) that has some… interesting suggestions. My faves:
– “Approach her to assist when she is struggling to adjust a weight – esp. leg extension machines!” I dunno about this one. I don’t think I’d be complimented if a dude came up and was all “Let me get that big ol’ plate for you, lil’ lady!”
– “Watch out in case she drops anything on the ground, so you can retrieve it for her.” Oh, my! I think I’ll just bend over and drop my white hanky, er, towel. Well, I do declare! You are such a gentleman.
– “Train cardio close, but not next to, the machine beside her.” Um, how is that flirting?? If you are two machines down, she’s not even going to notice you! Unless you are staring like a pervert.
– “‘Accidentally’ start training on her machine when she is getting water.” Excuse me? That would just tick me off.
– “Buy her a post-workout smoothie (but be incognito about it – make her wonder who her secret admirer is!)” This is my hands-down favorite! HOW does one be “incognito” with a smoothie?? Leave it on a weight bench with a post-it with her name on it? Have it delivered to her treadmill by the waitstaff, er, janitor? Drop it in her gym bag as you run laps? I would pay money to see this trick done!
Back to Ana, For Reals
So now that we all know how to get us a Gym Bunny, how about helping me give Ana some ideas on how to get a Gym Buddy (wow – I just had a terrifying flashback of that life-size doll from the ’80’s called “My Buddy”! If you’re over 25, now you’re singing the jingle. My buddy, my buddy, wherever I go, HE’S gonna go. My buddy, my buddy, my buddy & me!). Gym Bobby? (Too British). Gym Bachelor? Aha! Perfect. Give me your best tips for attracting that Gym Bachelor. I’ll pass them on to Ana and let her run her own little experiment.
I’ll let you know what happens;)
Inappropriate Yoga Guy
If you’ve never met Inappropriate Yoga Guy, well, consider this your formal introduction. (Those of you that have birthed children might want to pee before watching this clip)