Polly is dead. She committed suicide on February 8th, a likely result of her lifelong struggle with anorexia. I don’t know Polly but for some reason the news of her death went through me like a cold shiver, the same way it does any time I hear about a eating disordered woman who loses the battle.
So I did what any intelligent stalker-type does these days: I googled her. I discovered that her death made headlines because she was one of three eating-disordered women profiled in the HBO documentary “Thin” that aired back in 2006. Not watching TV, it has taken me this long to hear about it I suppose. Someone posted the entire documentary (in 11-minute segments) to You Tube. I watched it two nights ago and have been torn up ever since.
I’ve been mulling it over and trying to think of a way I could post about it – to let you know what an interesting, amazing, inspiring, and yet completely horrifying & depressing show it is – but I couldn’t think of an appropriate angle. It just hits too close to home for me. I see myself in every one of the girls profiled.
The Start
I’ve never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder but there are times in my life where I think I definitely would have qualified for ED-NOS (eating disorder – not otherwise specified). As did far too many of my friends, I flirted with anorexia in high school & college, always managing to keep my weight just on the safe side of things. Always able to pull back when I really really needed to. I never cognizantly thought of the times where I would subsist on a single “fun size” package of candy for an entire day, several days in a row, as “restricting.” I just thought it was what girls did to stay thin.
Lots of girls I knew did it or things similar to it. Other waitresses at the restaurant I worked at taught me which foods had the least calories and tricks to make all the decadent food we were surrounded by look unappealing so we wouldn’t be tempted to eat it. Our dinner breaks were actually competitions to see who could eat the least actual food. Girls in my gymnastics classes taught me about not eating before a competition (the lower your weight, the higher you fly!) and then using massive doses of caffeine pills to mask the hunger & keep your energy up. Roommates taught me about “saving calories” by restricting all week so you could eat on a date and the guy would think you are one the cool girls who is thin but can eat whatever she wants.
This type of behavior also runs in my family – my grandmother, whom I still adore and think about almost daily despite her being dead for 20 years, was an active bulimic all 60+ years of her life. Two cousins were bulimic. Two more spent time in eating disorder clinics. And then of course there was the media – thin movie stars, even thinner fashion models. Even my health teacher encouraged disordered eating by requiring only the girls in class to keep a food journal, a practice I kept up for over ten years after her class ended. (The boys had carte blanche to eat whatever they “needed” to keep up their strength for sports and because they were still growing. Never mind that many of us girls were also in sports and also, duh, still growing.) I was surrounded, almost from birth, by our culture of thin. Every girl I knew was tainted by it.
The Decline
And yet my bouts of bad eating were interspersed with longer ones of health because my body’s will to survive and thrive was stronger than my willpower to starve. That is, until I met G. in college. He was my partner on a swing-dance team. He was an amazing dancer and, simultaneously, a sociopath. I saw something good in him and he, likewise, saw something in me: vulnerability. We began to date. The entire time we went out (if you can call it that), he abused me in every way possible. It started out small with little comments about how I was harder to lift than some of the other girls on our team – natural waifs, every last one of them. Then it progressed to screaming vitriol, that I cannot even now bring myself to repeat.
To cope, I did what came naturally – I stopped eating. I pulled out all the tricks I’d ever been taught over the years and combined them with hours of intensely athletic dancing. It worked. G. complimented me on my protruding hipbones. He liked that his hands could almost span my waist. He was happy. I was nearly destroyed. I fainted after a dance performance. I suffered heart palipitations, dizzy spells, nausea & insomnia. He finished the job by sexaully assaulting me. That was the end of my relationship with him, thanks to good friends and family, but the beginning of a kind of self-loathing I had never experienced before.
The Worst of It
After G., my weight went up a bit and stabilized. I met a great man who cared about my mind and my soul and honestly thought I was beautiful regardless of a few pounds up or down. I married him and for a few short years, managed to not think about food or weight at all. The hole in me wasn’t gone but at least it was covered up.
That came to an end when G. popped back into my life in the most horrific way possible. At the time, I had assumed that I was the only girl he had abused. Turns out he was a serial molester and had only gotten worse during the intervening years. I was contacted by the police and decided to press charges.
My only experience with our legal system being Law & Order reruns, I was wholly unprepared for the physical and mental nightmare of a sexual assault case. I was also pregnant with my third child. The interstate court case dragged on nine long months, exactly the length of my pregnancy. The longer it went on, the more I deteriorated. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Despite being pregnant, I quickly reached the lowest weight I’d ever been. I thought about suicide every single day. The baby inside me was the only thing that stopped me from actually doing it. G. finally plea-bargained and got a year in prison, with time served. The very next day my son was born. Hale and hearty at ten pounds, he was beautiful child. I was broken.
The court case ended, everyone assumed I would feel empowered and vindicated and quickly ease back into my old perfect life as wife, teacher & mother. I think they assumed that because that is what they so desperately wanted for me. What did I want for me? I wanted desperately to finally heal. I thought being healthy physically would help me mentally. But this time my disordered eating snuck up on me as my quest for ultimate health devolved into Orthorexia, a newly coined term for people who restrict their food based on health reasons as opposed to wanting to be thin. In fact, I’m told it’s the new “in” eating disorder in the Hollywood set. Yay, me.
I saw a therapist (who was tainted for me by the fact that G. was court-ordered to pay for her services) who was pretty good at helping me work through my damage from the abusive relationship. But when it came to my disordered eating, she was worse than unhelpful. She wanted tips. Every week as I shrunk before her very eyes she would ask in awe how I did it. Somewhat overweight herself, she pressed until I actually gave her a how-to, which she then promised to implement. At last we both realized that she had problems with her self image & eating and that our relationship had moved far from therapeutic. So I stopped seeing her. But I still hurt.
The End
I wish I could say that there was some huge life-changing moment that made me leave my disordered behaviors behind (I’ve already told you how I stopped food journalling). But let’s face it, you read my blog, you know I still straddle that line at times. Although these days I trend more towards orthorexia than anorexia. Which is why “Thin” was such a powerful documentary for me. I’m at a healthy weight. I’m healthier mentally than I’ve been in years. And yet I still see myself in so many of their mannerisms. The way Alisa obsessively tried on outfit after outfit, sometimes for hours a day, looking for one that didn’t make her look fat (not realizing that the fat was all in her head and not in her clothes). The way that Shelly (the girl pictured above in the Thin promo) talked about what her control over food meant to her and how it played out in her family. The way that Polly went to the ED clinic to heal and instead just found something else to rebel against.
I’m not saying that I have an eating disorder now. I am saying that the potential for one lives inside me. Which is why I suppose I am telling you all this. It’s my was of staying accountable.
Because Polly is dead.
It takes a lot of courage to address these topics–especially in such a personal way. Good for you Char for taking it on! It seems like eating disorders aren’t as “popular” with teenage girls as they used to be, but I think plenty of us adult women still struggle at finding a “normal” relationship with food.
~Laura
Hey, this is the first time I heard about Polly’s death and it hurt me so badly. I watched Thin last year and it was very powerful. Having spent time in residential myself for anorexia.
I resonated with what you said at the end of your post, I am not currently eating disordered but knowing that I easily could be again. I am a competitive long distance runner and that keeps me motivated to eat and have strength, but I sometimes straddle the Line, as you said. I am now a Sr. and someone the younger girls look up to, and that helps keep me honest too.
Then I hear about Polly, I wonder if I would have been like her, what kept me from being her, committing suicide, so many times I thought about it just a few short years ago.
I appreciate and applaud your honesty here and willingness to talk about such a cultural “dirty little secret”.
I haven’t watched Thin yet because I know it will make me very sad. I remember leafing through the Thin book a while back and feeling so pessimistic about these women’s chances. But it’s still hard to believe, on some level, when I hear that Polly is dead, that she killed herself.
Reading this post, I felt privileged to be reading part of the story of your life and also horrified at all that you’ve gone through. I’m so glad you’re a survivor.
I think that must have taken a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You are an inspiration!
Charlotte – you can’t possibly know how many people your honesty and full, open heart will touch. I hurt as I read your words, because I feel like we know each other through our emails and blogs. No one ever wants their friend to be in pain. Not only are you my friend, but you are a friend to so many women who visit your site, whether they leave a comment or not. I know I had to compose myself a bit before writing. At the risk of sounding cliched, I’m sending you love and strength…although you’re clearly one of the strongest women I know. And the loveliest.
Charlotte
Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. You and your blog really are an inspiration for all us women. I am constantly amazed at how many of us share the same feelings/experiences. Thanks again.
Thank you, Charlotte. You are so amazing, and this post will help more people than you know.
As someone who was ‘close’ to Charlotte through most of what she described I have to confess that I was mostly oblivious to what was going on.
As someone who is still trying to understand how eating disorders affect the lives of those around me I feel tremendous guilt about not having ‘been there’ enough for my sisters.
So I guess my questions is, what can I (or people like me) do to be supportive of loved ones with eating disorders?
Whatever I might say has been said. Thank you for sharing that.
Wow, Charlotte! A powerful and gutsy post. I’d not heard about Polly before. What a sad story. And, I think the potential for ED live in many women.
I’m Sarah from Turbo by the way—we chatted about writing one Saturday! I’m finally getting around to that comment I promised I’d leave.
Thank you all so much for the kind comments and support – I can’t even tell you how much it means to me! Thank you for sharing some of your lives with me as well.
As for the questions from some of you about how to better support a friend/loved one with an eating disorder, I’m going to put up a post on that shortly. Thank you for your questions!
I’m so fortunate to have such kind and empathetic readers. Seriously, yesterday I just felt like I was getting hug after hug in my inbox:)
I’ve started this comment several times and keep erasing it because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I am touched by your story and my heart hurts so badly for what you’ve lived with and lived through. I often look at skinny women and feel evil envy and I have to catch myself before thinking an awful thing like, “Must be nice to be so skinny.” I have to remind myself that just being a woman is never easy for any woman.
The only fear I have of an eating disorder is bulemia. Not because I really care to be skinny or controlling, but just so I can eat and eat and eat and never have to stop. Because of this I have trained myself to not throw up. 5 pregnancies and I’ve only thrown up 4 times. My sister had eating disorders (still does) and it was so sad, yet tempting.
I really respect you for sharing this and admire the progress you’ve made.
Hey Charlotte, I’ve said this to you before but I’ll say it again. You did a very courageous and loving thing for yourself by going through that court case and making that man be accountable for his actions. Looking back, I know at the time you felt wrecked, but you will never wonder “what if” and I can tell you that is a blessing to have. I didn’t take the brave route you did in my case, and I paid severely for it. But, we all have to learn in our own ways. As always thank your for sharing your heart with us. You inspire me 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. That was so touching especially because I can relate to different parts. I couldn’t imagine having to face that for such a long time. I agree with everyone else– you are so courageous.
Thank you for this post. I’ve been hospitalized for anorexia twice and still suffer from bulimia and orthorexia to this day… It’s so nice to read about someone going through the same thing. Your writing is so honest – don’t ever stop. You’re doing more good than you probably realize.
Anon – thank you for your message. You are the reason I keep at this:) Good luck with your recovery!
I just found your blog through the guest post on Deb's blog and good lord, I'm so glad I did.
It sounds like we have similar stories with the destructive relationship, orthorexia sarcastic "I-don't-give-a-damn" mentality.
I realize this post is older, but it hit home and I'm so glad I found it. I'll be back. Rock on.
Thanks Abby! I'm so glad you found me too:) Def. stay in touch – us sarcastic chicks gotta stick together!
I just found your blog and it's an awesome read. You really open up about your struggles and I would love to know how your faith as a Mormon effects you. I spent several yes in the lds church and loved it, but I also suffered from molly mormonitis and believed I never was measuring up. On eating disorders… The older I get and the more I read about the brain, the more I believe that the things we struggle with that we think are psychological are actually physical. People used to think postpartum depression was all in a woman's head, that depression was because of ingratitude, etc. Now we know they're because of brain chemistry. Anorexics are given seroquel and stop restricting almost immediately. This has really helped me make peace with my own food issues and other problems that I always fretted over because I was sure they were from some deep-seated psych issue. Now I literally tell myself…out loud…as tho I am addressing my brain…"listen up you crazy thing, we can eat a brownie and not have to swallow the whole thing. Get a grip on yourself. I'll Let you read that new Jefferson bio So you can relax and get your mind off the food." it actually works for me. I feel like I need to mother myself to make this work. Jennifer
Thank you for showing that eating disorders are not simply "in your head". The countless subtle messages we hear from other people contribute to the mentality that leads to low self-esteem. Though a close relationship (of any kind) with someone as destructive and horrible as G is absolutely powerful, millions of little comments can also be harmful. Growing up around all the societal messages as you described (equating thinness with attractiveness/popularity, dieting to impress a date, being complimented on weight loss) has a distinct effect on anyone.
Almost every woman I know has, at some point, expressed a want to "lose a few pounds" because she is convinced that she needs to – not everyone who says this suffers from an eating disorder, but the fact that such a statement is in high circulation is a sign of a problem. I can't imagine how difficult recovering from an eating disorder is and because of never having experienced it I don't feel I'm suitable to give advice about it, so this comment is not intended for that (but my heart goes out to anyone suffering from disordered eating and I hope all of you find a resource that helps you). I just want everyone who reads this to understand that anyone with a weight-related self-esteem problem is most likely highly influenced by the messages they have experienced from other people. Consider the effect something you say would have and make yourself available to anyone that needs help.
-K
Ya I know I am REALLY late to comment on this post but I have to. I have anorexic past as well. http://www.yumyucky.com/2009/08/the-other-side-of-the-scale.html
I grew up taking care of both my parents and in return for the stress I would eat. By the time I was in high school I was chubby and was constantly told I was fat by my father. So I jumped onto the anorexia train. Watching that documentary was so amazing. I remember feeling like I wanted to throw up after eating cause of how gross I felt. Like you I will always have some eating disorder habits but I have overcome the unhealthy past I us to live.
Oooh I’m excited to go read your post at YumYucky! And I’m glad that you found this docu as transformative as I did. It was a very powerful experience for me. I’m so so so proud of you for overcoming such a difficult past and choosing to live without your ED!
thanks charlotte.
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(I know this is really old, but I wanted to say something anyways, I hope that’s okay) Thank you for this. I’ve had a bunch problems, rapid cycling bi-polar, self-injury, substance abuse, social phobia and bulimia, so I really love reading about people like you who beat their problems and learned to be happy and healthy, it gives me hope.
What I hate most about the perception of eating disorders (and other behaviors) is that they’re ‘for attention’. (In my case I feel like pointing out to them how I had such a fear of any attention from people I had panic attacks and couldn’t leave my house for 2 years.) Because obviously someone self-destructing is so selfish that they’re doing it for attention. Never mind that they’re suffering horribly and the attention costs the giver little to nothing, and might actually make them a better person, too.
And I can completely relate, what you said about it being able to come back at any time is frightening. I usually worry about everything, and even though I’m doing much better now and am actually pretty happy for the first time since I was very young, that is the one thing that I do still worry about, that the happiness just won’t last and that I don’t deserve it. But seeing that there are people that can do it, and that life can be dealt with in ways that aren’t self-destructive, is enormously helpful and wonderful. Thank you, so, so much.
Also, you’re very beautiful and I adore your sense of humor. : )
Currently it sounds like Movable Type is the best blogging platform available
right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?