You’ve heard of “road rage” (hey, you might actively participate in it – no judging here – although you probably can’t count is as exercise. Yes, I know your heart rate goes up.) But have you, or anyone you love, been a victim of Treadmill Rage? Have you ever felt a murderous impulse rise as you watch the two giggling teens monopolize your favorite machines for an hour without even having the decency to break a sweat? Take this test below to find out:
1. Have you ever fantasized about chucking a dumbbell at someone on the weight floor?
* Was it a slow-moving grandpa or a confused lifting newbie? -5 points.
* Was it a meathead carefully monopolizing every piece of equipment on the weight floor (signalled by him placing exactly one item of his squarely in the middle of each bench and then walking territorially around the room surveying his domain)? +1 point, +3 if you actually hit him
2. Have you ever had the urge to stick your arm out and clothesline someone running on the track?
* Were you bitter just because they are faster than you? 0 points just for considering it (we’re human after all) -3 points if you actually did it. You jerk.
* Was said runner passing you on the inside? While screaming “Outta my way, I’m doing Fartleks!!”? Did she catch you with an elbow? +1 point for fantasizing, +5 if you actually throw your arm out – congratulations, you just made the world a safer place. You’re like Superman. Someone give you a medal. And a cape.
3. Your favorite cardio equipment is taken. Do you:
* Find something else to get your heartrate up? +3 for being flexible – yogis have nothing on you.
* Sigh loudly & tap your feet while looking impatiently from your watch to the display on their machine? 0 points if the display reads 0:03:42. You want your own machine? Buy one. +1 points if the display reads 0:47:21. They’re obv. going the full hour. Nobody stops on a “weird” number. +5 points if the display reads 3:25:54 and you give them a pamphlet on exercise bulimia – you good citizen, you.
4. The girl at the front of your aerobics class is obviously new and lost.
* Is she just using the mirror to do her hair? +1 for staring, hoping she gets the hint to actually move her body. It’s cardio Barbie. +2 if you run up to “help” her and then style her as a Muppet. The whole class will thank you.
* Do you ignore her? 0 points. You’re no hero but at least you refrained from rolling your eyes at your friend. In the mirror.
* Do you give her a little encouragement during the water break and maybe help her nail that tricky part because, hey, at least she’s making the effort to exercise? +4 points. Can I be in your classes??
* Do you Carefully move up on her until you’re breathing down her neck so she knows she’s in your space? -3 points. It’s not your spot. You don’t have a spot. Nobody does except the teacher. And dogs. And then laugh loudly every time she makes a mistake? -10 points. You sociopath.
The Cure
Treadmill Rage is common. We’ve all felt it. Hopefully we didn’t act on it (unless you have a really good reason, see list above). But giving in to your violent impulses really won’t increase your calorie burn. Much.
Do you know what is much harder? Being nice. For some reason it doesn’t come naturally to most of us, especially if we (ahem, me) are competitive. But being kind and forgiving is actually much better for your health. Besides adding up to 5 years to your life (see? You’ll outlive all those jerks! That’ll teach ’em!! Oh, wait…), being chill helps ease depression & anxiety while helping you heal faster from surgery, increasing your life satisfaction and giving you a happier outlook on life.
For a great example check out what this biker does when confronted with inconsiderate drivers (thanks for tip TJ!!). Truly this is a great story and if nothing else will help you pay more attention to who’s in the crosswalk. He’s one creative and gutsy dude:)
Tell me if you’ve ever been a victim or perpetrator of Treadmill Rage! Don’t worry we won’t judge or laugh. Much. 😉
PS> I was out of town for the weekend, sorry for the dearth of posts!
My son and I were once victims of passive-aggressive playground equipment rage. My son was on a swing, and all the other swings were also occupied. A woman came up to our swing with her son and proceeded to stand there, saying over and over “Wait, Johnnie, you have to wait your turn. Wait your turn, Johnnie. No, you can’t go yet, you have to wait your turn.” Standing right by the swing and staring at me. Eventually it worked. I got creeped out and took my son off the swing, just to get him away from the crazy lady.
What a great post. When I hear the overly loud grunters, I want to put a sock in their mouth, and when the unwanted Romeos make a move I want to put on my t-shirt that says, “What part of NO do you not understand?”
I get this a lot, especially in the winter. I run distance in track at my college and sometimes the ice forces us inside to run. There is a “time limit” of 30min, but that only applies to people who aren’t varsity athletes. Needless to say when I am hitting 1hr45m on the treadmill I’ve gotten the stares and huffing and puffing. People often fail to realize the main reason they have access to such great equipment is because of the athletes (no athletics = less good equipment).
But I also get super annoyed at the sorority types bouncing on the machine in their Juicy not even sweating.
At the last gym I went to there was a ‘hisser’ in the weight room. He would hiss as he lifted. Drove me nuts! I finally had to start going at a different time because I could hear him even with my ipod cranked up!
Love the bike story! That is amazing. Pretty gutsy.
hilarious post! I definitely can relate to several of those issues. I get very annoyed by the chatters on machines, no matter how loud my Ipod is, I can still hear them chirping!
and as for the “spot” in class, it is so true! I’ve had participants in my spin class COMPLAIN to me that someone is on their bike. As if I am supposed to ask them to move?!
you know Charlotte, we are those annoying people at our gym!? We are the ones getting the looks on the weight floor and we are the chatterboxes on the treadmill going for the 30-60 minutes on a cruise (though it is always after our MBW that has pretty much killed us).
I am guessing we are the reason that they have decided to expand the gym and to do it quickly!
Candice